SER Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 So, with the whole camping trip debacle, apparently I made my guy genuinely worried to mess up again. He expressed this the other day, asking me to please let him know when I'm upset - and although I did, I had ignored him for the better part of the day and was not completely "myself" when I first went over to talk to him. He said my silence/change of behavior was scary (in the way that I guess he thought I would break up with him). I don't think I was that scary, it was the most calm and collected I've ever been, which was on purpose because I really want this to work and I want communication to be open with him right off the bat (since it wasn't really with my past relationships). I told him that I didn't talk to him right away because I knew that I wouldn't be nice/rational and that I needed time to cool off so that I wasn't rude and could think clearly... basically, it's in his best interest that I don't say much right when I'm upset or a few hours after. Although that is true, I think when I told him that, I also said it somewhat defensively. I kind of left it at that and I realized today when I was thinking about it that maybe I should be a little more understanding of what he sees from his side and I feel like he thinks he has to walk on eggshells not to get me upset for fear of losing me. I'm not the kind of person to get upset over something for no reason, I actually rarely get upset at anything, and I surely wouldn't break up with someone just for a miscommunication. I think maybe he has doubts that I'll stay with him (I believe he was dumped in his previous relationship) and may think that I'd just leave him for something small. In all of my past relationships, I have been the one to work through them and try to fix the problems. I gave many chances that maybe I shouldn't have, but I never broke up with someone for some small thing - it was always an accumulation of things or a recurring offense that would lead to a breakup. My last relationship did last 6 and half years... I don't want him to feel like he has to walk on eggshells, but at the same time, I don't want to be taken for granted. I guess really that (besides probably the amount of hormones that are released when I'm mad) is the real reason that I get emotional and upset when I do get upset. I don't want that to happen again, as it's common between my last boyfriend and the one before that. I don't think that him thinking he has to be so careful all the time is good for the relationship, especially it being new and him feeling that way. What's the best way to put him at ease?
charlietheginger Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 if i were him id get away from you as fast as possible
xpaperxcutx Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 I had to read your past thread to find out about the camping trip debacle. From what I'm gathering, I too agree with the other posters that it's weird he upped and went on a camping trip with his friends without notifications. He seemed to have crossed a line and i can understand that your trust in him has faltered because of this event. However, giving him the silent treatment isn't a good solution and neither is it a good way to get back at him. You must open the channel for communication and explain to him that this event has created setbacks of your trust in him. If he understands he will decide for himself how he can approach this issue in a way that he can work to earn your trust again. I reiterate, do not play this endless tug of war of staying silent and thinking he will get a clue. He's not a mindreader.
Treasa Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 I think you sounded calm, but I'm willing to bet he either did something he knows he shouldn't have done, or he knows that just up and leaving was wrong. Don't put him at ease. A little worry never hurt anyone. If he's neurotic, that's his own problem. Next time he knows not to **** up. If you try and put him at ease or whatever, he's going to know he has control over you. Don't do that. Do you remember how you were worried for DAYS? Yeah. He can get over it. Like I said, a nice little wake-up to consider your feelings next time, assuming he's telling the truth. I still get a bad feeling, but meh. ETA: Unless you're still being cold to him, he needs to man up and get over it.
Author SER Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 Charlie - heh, ok! Papercut - I won't give the silent treatmen again. I think if I talk to him when I'm upset that I might come off worse than if I say nothing at all. I know he's not a mindreader, but he did know exactly why I was upset... he knew what he did. Treasa - this is what my friend said too. I completely agree with you and I generally agree with most of your posts. You are a strong woman, as am I, but i still wonder if im coming off too harsh/strong. Although I don't want him to think he has control over me, I also don't want him to think I want "control" over him. I just don't take crap. I've been completely normal with him since we talked that night, so I'm not sure why he brought it up again. Although my instinct is to tell him to get over it, I still feel bad for making him scared to upset me. I don't want to seem high maintenance, I really don't get upset at much at all. 1
xpaperxcutx Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Charlie - heh, ok! Papercut - I won't give the silent treatmen again. I think if I talk to him when I'm upset that I might come off worse than if I say nothing at all. I know he's not a mindreader, but he did know exactly why I was upset... he knew what he did. Treasa - this is what my friend said too. I completely agree with you and I generally agree with most of your posts. You are a strong woman, as am I, but i still wonder if im coming off too harsh/strong. Although I don't want him to think he has control over me, I also don't want him to think I want "control" over him. I just don't take crap. I've been completely normal with him since we talked that night, so I'm not sure why he brought it up again. Although my instinct is to tell him to get over it, I still feel bad for making him scared to upset me. I don't want to seem high maintenance, I really don't get upset at much at all. It's definitely good to set precedent on what you're willing to tolerate. And I certainly understand where you are coming from. My ex is the same way, he likes to blow off steam rather than talk and worsen the situation. From my understanding, he's having a hard time letting this go as he knows he's more than guilty for his actions and he's bringing things up again to seek affirmation that you've forgiven him. Well it's easier to forgive then forget. I agree with Treasa, let this be a lesson to him. And hopefully he'll take this as a lesson not to play the disappearing act again. 1
Treasa Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Charlie - heh, ok! Papercut - I won't give the silent treatmen again. I think if I talk to him when I'm upset that I might come off worse than if I say nothing at all. I know he's not a mindreader, but he did know exactly why I was upset... he knew what he did. Treasa - this is what my friend said too. I completely agree with you and I generally agree with most of your posts. You are a strong woman, as am I, but i still wonder if im coming off too harsh/strong. Although I don't want him to think he has control over me, I also don't want him to think I want "control" over him. I just don't take crap. I've been completely normal with him since we talked that night, so I'm not sure why he brought it up again. Although my instinct is to tell him to get over it, I still feel bad for making him scared to upset me. I don't want to seem high maintenance, I really don't get upset at much at all. This says you're willing to put him before yourself. Listen to your gut, woman. He needs to man up. No guy respects a doormat.
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