Possible multiple affairs

[Riogirl4]

My husband of 7 years had an affair 5 weeks ago. I discovered it the same day it happened. My initial reaction was to kick him out of the house but after discussing it that night, I decided to give him a chance to work on regaining my trust. I knew he had been crossing the line with a co-worker and I called him on his actions but he kept telling me they were just friends. I really believed him but I was curious what they discussed on the phone, text, etc so I bought a voice activated recorder. I ended up catching her coming over to our house and them having sex on the living room floor. He swears up and down it was just the one time and he has no idea why he did it. We've tried to discuss why it happened but the only thing he has come up with was he was so focused on sex with her that he was blinded by what he was really doing. I've also talked to the other woman and she said they did it 3 times. He says she is lying because she is in love with him and is trying to break up our marriage so they can be together. She supposedly told him she loved her after 2 weeks of talking.

 

I went to a therapist and he suggested a couple of books and I got even more pissed at the situation while reading those. We didn't have a bad marriage. We had none of the “signs” of a failing marriage. I have really struggled with why did this happen. Since he cannot come up with a valid reason, I've been trying to figure it out.

 

The thing is, I've always had trust issues with him but he has always said it was nothing and in my head. Without writing a novel, I know he has has tried to cheat in the past. He swears up and down he never actually did and always came to his senses before anything happened. I gave him the benefit of the doubt at the time thinking maybe it was in my head and I’m overreacting but now after having real proof, he cannot say it is me. I believe him when he says he loves me and wants to be with me. I saw the hurt he felt when he thought I was going to leave. However, I cannot let go that he has lied to me our entire marriage. I truly feel like he has cheated on me before even though he swears he has not. I have no idea how to overcome our past. To be honest, I think he is addicted to sex and he doesn't even realize he is cheating. I think he has had multiple women (one-night-stands) and up until the point of me catching him with her 5 weeks ago, he had no idea he was hurting me. Right now, I feel like no matter what he tells me, I will always believe he had multiple affairs. Is trusting what he has told me the kind of thing that comes with time? How do I address something that could be on my end only? What if he really is telling the truth and he didn't have multiple affairs? It is like I am waiting for him to validate all my suspicions over the years when my suspicions could still be wrong.

[ladydesigner]

My husband of 7 years had an affair 5 weeks ago. I discovered it the same day it happened. My initial reaction was to kick him out of the house but after discussing it that night, I decided to give him a chance to work on regaining my trust. I knew he had been crossing the line with a co-worker and I called him on his actions but he kept telling me they were just friends. I really believed him but I was curious what they discussed on the phone, text, etc so I bought a voice activated recorder. I ended up catching her coming over to our house and them having sex on the living room floor. He swears up and down it was just the one time and he has no idea why he did it. We've tried to discuss why it happened but the only thing he has come up with was he was so focused on sex with her that he was blinded by what he was really doing. I've also talked to the other woman and she said they did it 3 times. He says she is lying because she is in love with him and is trying to break up our marriage so they can be together. She supposedly told him she loved her after 2 weeks of talking.

 

I went to a therapist and he suggested a couple of books and I got even more pissed at the situation while reading those. We didn't have a bad marriage. We had none of the “signs” of a failing marriage. I have really struggled with why did this happen. Since he cannot come up with a valid reason, I've been trying to figure it out.

 

The thing is, I've always had trust issues with him but he has always said it was nothing and in my head. Without writing a novel, I know he has has tried to cheat in the past. He swears up and down he never actually did and always came to his senses before anything happened. I gave him the benefit of the doubt at the time thinking maybe it was in my head and I’m overreacting but now after having real proof, he cannot say it is me. I believe him when he says he loves me and wants to be with me. I saw the hurt he felt when he thought I was going to leave. However, I cannot let go that he has lied to me our entire marriage. I truly feel like he has cheated on me before even though he swears he has not. I have no idea how to overcome our past. To be honest, I think he is addicted to sex and he doesn't even realize he is cheating. I think he has had multiple women (one-night-stands) and up until the point of me catching him with her 5 weeks ago, he had no idea he was hurting me. Right now, I feel like no matter what he tells me, I will always believe he had multiple affairs. Is trusting what he has told me the kind of thing that comes with time? How do I address something that could be on my end only? What if he really is telling the truth and he didn't have multiple affairs? It is like I am waiting for him to validate all my suspicions over the years when my suspicions could still be wrong.

 

Well if you have a gut feeling your suspicions might be right. Before I had any details of my WH's last A my gut feeling kept telling me way more than what my WH was telling me. It turned out my gut was right.

 

My WH had bad boundaries before this last A. I did not have enough proof though for him to admit to any A even though I'm pretty positive he had.

 

The thing is without them telling the truth we will never know. There are ways you can check up on him and verify. I do it occasionally still just to make sure WH is still keeping to his end of the bargain, otherwise next stop ... Divorce!

 

Some ways to possibly find out the truth is to retrieve the deleted texts from his phone. That gave me all the info I needed to see and confirm what my gut had been screaming at me.

 

I do also install a VAR once in a while (I caught him and MOW together this way) in different hiding places as another form of trusting him by verifying.

[Ninja'sHusband]

This is what happens when you are lied to, everything comes into question and rightly so. Almost all cheaters try to minimize. It's those lies in effort to "protect" you that end up doing the most damage. He's going to have to somehow prove to you that he can tell the truth even when it's hard to do so...or it's kinda hopeless. Trust is so important, you can't have a relationship without it. My exwife gave me the "only once" line too...for 3 months in counseling. Then I found proof it had been a 4 month affair, many many times. Believe what you see, not what you hear.

[2sure]

In the name of all that is holy look up the term GASLIGHTING before you let him drive you crazy with self doubt.

[SmokeRat]

GAS ****ING LIGHTING!

 

Textbook.

 

Also douche bag alert. He lied once, which means he'll lie again.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Ask your self this question: what are the odds that you caught him the first (and only) time he ever cheated on you?

 

This was not his first rodeo. If you didn't catch him with the VAR, then he would've kept on cheating.

[Spark1111]

Do you know if he was ever sexually abused as a child? he sounds like a sex addict and they were often abused somehow, someway as children.

 

Unlike the serial cheater who has found a new past time and feel empowered by many sexual conquests, sex addicts USE sex with strangers to relieve anxiety then spiral into guilt...which causes them anxiety....which causes them to seek more sex. It is a way to feel powerful and in control because they feel so powerless and out of control.

 

gather your information covertly, but I only see one choice here when you get it: Leave.

 

Both serial cheaters and sex addicts do not change until they have hit rock bottom.

 

leave and demand at least 6 months of IC and occasional MC to see if he has really gained some introspection and made progress to change.

 

Do you have children together? if not, maybe divorce.

 

This can be a lifetime of heartache for you; a man who cheats and lies either out of compulsion or weak ego.

[whichwayisup]

Always listen to your gut. Your husband has done this before or for sure had inappropriate friendships with women, which means he has boundry problems and crosses the line quite easily without giving it (or you) much thought.

 

There is nothing wrong with you or your marriage, it's HIM. He is an idiot if you don't mind me saying so. Selfish, and puts himself first.

 

Be strong and don't let his crocodile tears or desperation manipulate you into thinking he's changed so suddenly.

 

Take time to think about what you want to do. No rush to divorce, or to get back together and work on things. HE has to prove to you not only in words but in actions that he is changing, working on himself, doing counseling with you and on his own. HE is broken inside and needs to learn how to NOT let other women close to him and have affairs. He has to earn your trust again and that will take a long time.

 

Has he quit his job or asked for a transfer? If not, then they still work together.

 

Is this co worker married or have a boyfriend? If so, consider letting her partner know what has happened.

[dreamingoftigers]

Come on honey,

 

You KNOW KNOW KNOW that the "first and only" time wasn't in your house on VAR.

 

You KNOW that you caught him only because he got sloppy.

 

And he got sloppy because he let the guard down on the routine a little.

 

I am married to a serial cheat/sexual addict.

 

They WILL make YOU think it is all YOUR fault or that YOU are crazy/making things too hard/shaming him BLAH BLAH EFFING BLAH.

 

And of its real. And they generally marry spouses that will be really nice about it and take the hit.

 

Don't take the hit.

 

It won't stop.

 

I guarantee you a zillion trillion dollars that he hasn't learned and doesn't "get it."

 

If he even shows any slight triggering of being angry or defensive. Pack his effing bags. You will have to eventually anyway, or go crazy with anxiety for years, not being able to sleep like I did.

 

If you are really stuck on him, tell him he needs to get help and SHOW YOU with CONCRETE STEPS that he is not going to be an effing douchebag anymore.

 

Don't let him beg/plead/moan/rage/or shift the blame to you.

 

This crap will go on, in your face or underground until you draw the line and shape the consequences.

 

You've got a bad one. This reeks.

[Riogirl4]

Thanks everybody for the responses/advice. I feel in my gut that I've been taken as a fool our entire marriage, but without him coming clean, I will never know. We have 2 young children so I don't want to rush straight to divorce. The OW is actually married with 2 very young children herself. Her husband was suspicious of them as well and made her quit work the Wednesday before I discovered them (the following Monday). They have had no contact since that morning.

 

Ever since I confronted him with the affair and gaslighting, he has apologized for all of it and explained what really happened. He has no comment on the prior incidents though. When I ask him about them all I get is "I'm sorry for all I've done and I will do anything to regain your trust". He denies with every ounce of his being that anything has ever happened before this one time. Once he realized there was no talking his way out of this one, he came clean and has not been defensive or has blamed any of it on me. The only thing he has asked is for more sex. We used to have it about 3 times a week (mainly on weekends because of our work schedule) and maybe a quicky or 2 during the week before work. I've always thought we've had a great sex life but he definitely wants it more often than me. This is why I've thought of him as a sex addict. There has never been any kind of hint of sexual abuse from him or his family so I don't really think that is it.

 

My main dilemma at this point is I know he is lying about the past, but he won't come clean. Does our relationship have any hope for the future if he won't own up to all his mistakes? Of course if it happens again, it is over. He know this and I am watching him like a hawk. I know going forward I need to answer for myself that if I let my guard down in 2-3 years, will it happen all over again? Again, thanks for listening. I just need to get all my thoughts written down so I can think through them and process what is happening.

[SmokeRat]

Really?

 

After everything he's done to you and your children, he's asked for more sex?

 

.............you can see what I am doing right now, but it's my palm slamming against my forehead.

 

It's good that he is starting to release the truth, bad that you have to drag it out of him. But I figure that's a natural reaction to being caught doing something one should not be doing.

 

Just be careful, and don't just let this slide. You're going to have a roller coaster of emotions soon, and a million questions to follow that. He will have to be patient, empathetic, kind and understanding to all these things.

 

Do not let him gas light you, blame shift or anything else.

 

A lack of sex, is no excuse to go out and find some from someone else.

 

Just play safe, and know we are all here for you whenever you feel the need to vent.

[SoleMate]

Nobody wants to recommend a mother of two young children to divorce. That is a very hard conclusion to draw even in overwhelming cases of a marriage without a leg to stand on. But.....Fidelity and trustworthiness are essential in a marriage and the fact is, you do not have them and at this point, you CANNOT have them. Your gut is dead right, this is not his first rodeo, we are ALL sure of that! It is indeed possible that he doesn't really know why he does such a destructive, foolish, pointless things as cheat on his loving wife, but that is not the main question and I wouldn't want you to tie yourself in painful knots of anxiety trying to figure out the inexplicable.

 

BTW, your H had sex at least 3 times with the OW. I'll bet my bottom dollar on that. It is ridiculous and incredible to claim that she fabricated THAT part of the story (3 times vs. 1 time) to split you two up. Only an addle-headed cheater (or the stunned BS) could possibly accept that feeble non-reasoning. So he's STILL lying. And he will in all likelihood lie for every other serious marital conversation you ever have with him.

 

I would take the advice of other BS about what the future will likely be, and cut straight to the endgame, which is I am sorry to say, immediate separation and putting a divorce in motion.

 

Only IF he moves mountains of truth to make you trust again, should you even consider being with him. That's not even a 1% chance. I am very sorry.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks everybody for the responses/advice. I feel in my gut that I've been taken as a fool our entire marriage, but without him coming clean, I will never know. We have 2 young children so I don't want to rush straight to divorce. The OW is actually married with 2 very young children herself. Her husband was suspicious of them as well and made her quit work the Wednesday before I discovered them (the following Monday). They have had no contact since that morning.

 

Ever since I confronted him with the affair and gaslighting, he has apologized for all of it and explained what really happened. He has no comment on the prior incidents though. When I ask him about them all I get is "I'm sorry for all I've done and I will do anything to regain your trust". He denies with every ounce of his being that anything has ever happened before this one time. Once he realized there was no talking his way out of this one, he came clean and has not been defensive or has blamed any of it on me. The only thing he has asked is for more sex. We used to have it about 3 times a week (mainly on weekends because of our work schedule) and maybe a quicky or 2 during the week before work. I've always thought we've had a great sex life but he definitely wants it more often than me. This is why I've thought of him as a sex addict. There has never been any kind of hint of sexual abuse from him or his family so I don't really think that is it.

 

My main dilemma at this point is I know he is lying about the past, but he won't come clean. Does our relationship have any hope for the future if he won't own up to all his mistakes? Of course if it happens again, it is over. He know this and I am watching him like a hawk. I know going forward I need to answer for myself that if I let my guard down in 2-3 years, will it happen all over again? Again, thanks for listening. I just need to get all my thoughts written down so I can think through them and process what is happening.

 

Tell him you want a polygraph.

 

He owes you that at least.

 

And marital counseling.

 

And that he can stay out of the effing house until he has proven he has made arrangements for both.

 

He has no good reason to tell you the truth right now and every reason to minimize/lie/shift blame/ APPEAR to be remorseful/threaten and guilt about the fate of the family that he clearly didn't give half of a crap about when he was effing the OW in your HOME.

 

He sh*t on the floor. He needs to clean it up.

 

Don't meet him halfway on this. As an adult male, if he chooses to go to Taco Bell, hit the drive thru, eat whatever the Hell that is and then refuse to use the proper facilities, the LEAST he can do is clean it up and figure out what the Hell made him eff up so bad in the first place.

[whichwayisup]

Tell him you want a polygraph.

 

He owes you that at least.

 

And marital counseling.

 

And that he can stay out of the effing house until he has proven he has made arrangements for both.

 

He has no good reason to tell you the truth right now and every reason to minimize/lie/shift blame/ APPEAR to be remorseful/threaten and guilt about the fate of the family that he clearly didn't give half of a crap about when he was effing the OW in your HOME.

 

He sh*t on the floor. He needs to clean it up.

 

Don't meet him halfway on this. As an adult male, if he chooses to go to Taco Bell, hit the drive thru, eat whatever the Hell that is and then refuse to use the proper facilities, the LEAST he can do is clean it up and figure out what the Hell made him eff up so bad in the first place.

 

Great post. And, I'll add make him get an STD test, sadly as well you need to get one too. Consider telling this OW's husband what has happened.. This will for sure put a stop the A from continuing. Unfortunately many times after a Dday, affairs end then go underground and more sneaking around is done.

 

Do they still work together? This IS a huge problem if they do.

[dreamingoftigers]

When they have to get the STD test, that's when sh*t gets real for them.

 

Having to go to that office wearing a wedding ring..... yeah.

 

They might lie about it while they are there, but they know the truth.

 

My H had to do it. And he ended up going to this "youth clinic" on top of it all! So there he was, ready to go, and he walks into this room and everyone is 14. But they did it for him anyways and just told him where he should be next time.