The day I've been dreading arrived this morning...

[Corydm]

Hello, thanks for taking the time to read this....

 

I've been reading the forums for the past several months to try help myself cope with the breakup of my girlfriend. The breakup was almost three months ago. I have found it very helpful to read the experiences of people that are going through the same thing. There is one difference though; most of the posts are from people that have been dumped. I was not dumped. I dumped her, I guess you could say (simply stopped talking to her or communicating with her, and for good reason), but nevertheless, that does not mean that the breakup didn't leave me pretty much devastated, even though I knew it was for the best.

 

I'll try to make a long story short.

 

I got involved with a girl that I work with (I know...BIG mistake. She pursued me though, so I thought I would give it a shot). We had a relationship for about one year in total. It wasn't all peaches and cream. Nevertheless, I grew to care about her very much and I became attached to her.

 

We got into an argument at the end of January, after she had disrespected and disregarded my feelings yet AGAIN, regarding a certain situation. I'm not going to get into the whole "she did this, and this, and this, etc, throughout our relationship" thing, primarily to not turn this post into a novel.

 

For some time previous to the last argument we had, I had pretty much come to the realization that she didn't feel the way about me that I did about her, and that she probably never would. She just always seemed kind of "emotionally unavailable", kind of cold, difficulty showing love and affection, and she was just very selfish and self centered. It felt like a one sided relationship. I was giving, she was taking. There were many times that I should have walked away, for my own good, and left it at that.

 

I realized that the longer I let this continue, the more hurt I would be in the end, which I knew was coming, sooner or later, one way or the other. I felt it was a dead end relationship that was going nowhere, and I knew that for my own good and self respect, I had to end it, and end it once and for all, as we had previously broken up a few times, but those times didn't last long.

 

The last argument we had was the last straw for me. She blatantly disregarded and disrespected my feelings, and I couldn't let that go, especially for her to do that after a year together, and it's not the first time that she has done that.

 

We got into this last argument and I went home and deleted her off my facebook. She texted me and said "ok, you don't want to talk, that's fine." I didn't reply.

 

I am not one of the "cold hearted" dumpers that I seem to read about so much in these forums. I didn't dump her for another girl. I cared about her VERY much, but I knew I had to end it for my own good.

 

She didn't try and text me or call me again after that, nor did I attempt the same with her.

 

Work became hell, for me. I was going through a living hell, inside, because I still cared for her very much. I would see her laughing and joking and having a good time at work, and it killed me. It made me wonder if she was actually hurt, and just trying to put on "an act" and act like she was not bothered by anything. It just made me think "was it all just NOTHING to her!?". I just tried to physically distance myself from her at work as much as possible (going to eat my lunch somewhere else if she was in the lunch room, telling my supervisors not to put us on break together, etc) and didn't speak to her unless I absolutely had to.

 

I have been having a very hard time with it since it ended, just with coping with it and trying to move on, and I realize a lot of it has to do with the fact that I still have to see her, which is my own fault for getting involved with someone I work with.

 

I was well aware that one day, sooner or later, since I work with her, that I would hear the news that I dreaded most; that she's with someone else. I was hoping that I wouldn't hear that for quite some time, so that when I did finally hear it, I simply wouldn't care anymore. I was thankful for each day that passed at work that I didn't hear anything.

 

The past few weeks I felt I had started doing better with everything, just with how I was feeling about everything. There was no drama between me and her at work. Like I said, I just distanced myself from her and tried to avoid her. I was happy that I was starting to feel a bit better, as this is almost three months now post breakup, and I really wasn't doing well for the whole time previous to that. I was having a really hard time with it.

 

So...I go into work today and it happened. I won't get into all the details, but I overheard a coworker say something. A bit later I questioned the coworker and pretty much got enough information that I needed to know. She is seeing someone. I then talked privately with a coworker that I trust and confide in, and she admitted that she has known for a few weeks now, as this girl had been telling her a bit about this guy. She said she didn't want to say anything to me previously about what she knew because she knew it would upset me. I told her she did nothing wrong.

 

The more this all started sinking in, the more upset I became. I had to leave work and go home.

 

I had been trying to mentally prepare myself for this day, but none of my preparations worked, because I'm not sure If I can adequately describe the pain that I'm feeling now, knowing that she is with someone else, and knowing that she moved on to someone else that quickly. And this happened just when I was finally starting to feel like I was making some progress with healing and getting over it.

 

The LAST thing on my mind was to hook up with another girl. I cared about her, and I have mourning and grieving the loss of her and our relationship.

 

It answers all the questions like "is she just PRETENDING to be happy at work? Trying to put on a show in front of me?" She isn't pretending. She IS happy, because she's been getting nailed by some other guy for quite some time now.

 

And yeah, to people that would say "well you broke up with her, what did you expect her to do?", of course I knew she would eventually move on. Maybe I had some hope somewhere deep inside that she WAS hurting, and WAS wanting us to get back together (even though I know the breakup was for the best). And I certainly didn't expect her to move on that quickly. It tells me what I already knew, and which is one of the main reasons I broke up with her; that she was not NEARLY as invested in me and our "relationship" as I was, and that she couldn't have cared all that much.

 

I made mistakes, like getting involved with a coworker, but I truly cared about her, and very much.

 

The thought of her with another guy right now just kills me. This whole messed up situation just kills me.

[cdt76]

I'm sorry brother. Pick yourself up. Put yourself back together. Focus on you. Get yourself right. Don't worry about her because she is out of your life now. Just worry about you and get yourself right for the next one to come alone might be the ONE. But you need to heal and fix yourself before you are ready for her.

[Corydm]

Thanks for the reply and the words of encouragement.

 

If I didn't work with her I just would have went "no contact", like I have in previous relationships, and I would have never had to face this day coming, or trying to prepare myself for it, and never having to see her again with no contact would have obviously helped me to get over her faster.

 

But THIS is just like a living f*****g nightmare!

 

It's my own fault for getting involved with a coworker, and now I am paying the price for that, and it's a heavy price to pay.

[Waz]

Hey OP, think of this: You tried. There's nothing wrong with you. You don't feel guilty. Because you tried. She didn't get it, maybe she didn't even try to understand it, you broke up with her, saved your dignity and showed her that you are man enough to handle the situation and believe me, she saw it. Really, every time you think of her, just think of this. It works pretty fine for me. It's relieving.

 

PS: I don't mean to give false hope or something like this, but by the way you described the whole thing, i'm confident that she will reach out someday and this is a rebound. She seems selfish so she can't accept that someone like you dumped her. So you can live your life peacefully, knowing that you weren't wrong and you actually have the "power" to all this.

[turnerik]

Take a day to yourself, and learn to forgive her. In your posts, you are still angry at her, you can't hold onto that anger, or else it will kill you. Even if you can't tell her right now, you have to find a way to forgive her. Do not let her have that power over you. My girlfriend left me a month ago, and a few weeks ago I forgave her for the few things I held against her. Today I realized I need to forgive my dad for his past mistakes which caused me to act the way I did, and the way I acted led to our break up. Learn to forgive buddy! It's the best thing you can do!

[Corydm]

Hey OP, think of this: You tried. There's nothing wrong with you. You don't feel guilty. Because you tried. She didn't get it, maybe she didn't even try to understand it, you broke up with her, saved your dignity and showed her that you are man enough to handle the situation and believe me, she saw it. Really, every time you think of her, just think of this. It works pretty fine for me. It's relieving.

 

PS: I don't mean to give false hope or something like this, but by the way you described the whole thing, i'm confident that she will reach out someday and this is a rebound. She seems selfish so she can't accept that someone like you dumped her. So you can live your life peacefully, knowing that you weren't wrong and you actually have the "power" to all this.

 

Thanks for that. And you're right, I DID try, and I was good to her.

 

There is no "discussing" or "working out" being disrespected and disregarded, especially when it continues to happen. You either continue to put up with it or you don't. She left me with pretty much no choice but to break up with her, which wasn't easy for me to do.

 

Dealing with the breakup was one thing, that has been hard enough, but finding out you were so quickly and easily replaced is a different kind of pain. It's kind of a massive blow to the ego and self esteem.

 

I think we like to think we are so "special" that it will be hard to replace us, that they are mourning just like we are, that they are just trying to get by and function, like we are, that they are missing us, etc.

 

I get that everyone copes differently, and that some people use rebound relationships to fill the void and to not have to deal with the pain, but I'm not built like that.

 

I truly cared about her, so it will take time to get over her. The last thing on my mind after it ended or even right now is to hook up with other girls. I don't get that. If you had feelings for someone and cared about them, how can you just start having sex with someone else and feel good about that??

 

The only explanation I can come up with as to why people can do that, and move on so fast like that, is that they really didn't care in the first place. And I saw that with her, which is one of the reasons I broke up with her. I guess I was right in thinking she didn't really care. She pretty much proved that at this point.

 

She bounced from her ex husband, to me, back to him, back to me, and now this guy, without even taking five minutes to herself between, to deal with things. How do people operate like that?

 

I certainly don't feel like I have the "power", at this point. Yeah, I broke up with her because I had to, for myself, but I'm the one left suffering, while she moved on so fast without missing a beat, and like it was all just "nothing" to her.

[portableversion]

ooh ex husband

 

ok I really feel for ya on the I got replaced bit.

 

I was with my ex wife for 17 yrs and she had a new guy lined up before we were divorced. NOt positive but I was thinking they were having an emotional affair or something for quite sometime.

 

Either way these people never ever seem to be single, my ex has never really been single since she was 15.

 

BUt she left me, ive been absolutely devastated, do you know who filed for divorce?

Did she file or did he file and how long were they together. Getting divorced is a lot different than just a normal break up, serious bonds are being broken which are not meant to be broken.

 

I hate to tell you this but ur story gives me hope, you mentioned she did get back with her ex hubby again for a bit.

 

Man if I get that shot im gonna hang on for dear life. Its been very hard for me to move on but it does get easier everyday but 9-10 months out im still not so good. And heres the kicker once I do really get over it, there will be no women for me, in my current life im completely surrounded by men, its gonna be someone I meet at the grocery store and we hit it off there and I get her phone number. Once in awhile I get a lady at the store who flirts with me but last time it happened I was married and then the time after that I was complete total wreck. I think I would be ready for it now

 

yeah the thought of being replaced so quickly does indeed hurt real bad. Having the relationship end is no good either, it hurts too.

 

For me ive had to go crawling to church and join aa and goto therapy, group therapy. And aa has been so good im sure without it I would have ended up drinking a lot and being alone in this town with so few friends I can really say aa and church has saved my arse.

 

Going to church has helped me a lot it took many masses and did not occur over night but each time was a small boost of positive energy to get me thru that day. If my sleep schedule permits ill go everyday if I can.

 

I really understand the deep desire for nc too now myself, we got kids and I do have to deal with her every week. And now yesterday she said I have to goto the house and get the boys instead of picking them up after school.

 

That was a tactic of mine to avoid seeing her at all cause when I drop them off its real easy to avoid her then, and then too I get to hear from the older son hey mommys friend is real nice. I said im sure hes a nice guy but it hurts daddy a lot they are together they are not supposed to be together mommy and daddy took vows to be together forever.

 

Heck just this weekend big guy was asking me abut sex and reproduction and I then told him I said see this is why daddy is so sad about mommys boyfriend cause that's why shes in Alaska now to visit him shes doing that with him and these activites form strong bonds that's why I get so sad I said youll see more of this in highschool people will get involved with sex and they break up and do that with other people, and it hurts a lot, actually its probably one of the most painful things a person has to deal with. I said now if I never had sex with mommy I never would've cared she with this guy but then too you woudnt be here either.

 

I told him of the church stance that its best to wait until after marriage precisely for some of this stuff and he said he agreed people should be married lol, well he still young but perhaps if he stick to these guns it will help him a lot.

 

its the sex it really does form a bond, just think if u never had sex with this lady I bet u wouldn't care so much.

 

Definitely a concept ive been thinking about a lot lately, im thinking this may be my new path. its just too dangerous on the emotions; to get into it and then have the relationship end and then find out they do that with a new person, just rips a person to shreds.

 

oh well like many on here say it gets better with time.

 

oh **** im going to the noon meeting, gotta go to prevent me from killing myself with booze, and other things. There are a few women there that seem to like to talk to me so im kinda getting out there now myself....sigh

Edited April 24, 2013 by portableversion

[youngnlove89]

Corydm, that was very well written and it flowed very well. I am sorry for how you are feeling, that must be very hard. I'm going through the same thing as well, being with an emotionally unavailable person.

 

I "dumped" my ex too. We were off and on for 2 years and every time we broke up we would get back together, but he couldn't make a commitment to be my boyfriend. I can't imagine how difficult it is to be working with an ex.

 

Even though we are the ones who walked away, they are the ones who emotionally checked out first. Yes, we made the decision to leave, but not because we moved on or fell out of love, but because they did. So in turn, it can often feel like you were dumped.

 

I know how it feels to walk away from someone you love. It's hard, but good for you for making the right decision. Good for you for knowing you deserve only the best. If you want, you are more than welcome to read my former posts, as I think you will find that our situations are similar, and maybe you can learn something from me and not make the mistake of going back.

 

I don't have much advice to give, because we are dealing with a broken heart. I do know that it is helpful to vent and be able to talk to someone. If you can PM me, I would be more than happy to listen and help you through this.

 

Stay strong. Lift that chin up and smile. You deserve to be happy.

[Corydm]

Corydm, that was very well written and it flowed very well. I am sorry for how you are feeling, that must be very hard. I'm going through the same thing as well, being with an emotionally unavailable person.

 

I "dumped" my ex too. We were off and on for 2 years and every time we broke up we would get back together, but he couldn't make a commitment to be my boyfriend. I can't imagine how difficult it is to be working with an ex.

 

Even though we are the ones who walked away, "they are the ones who emotionally checked out first. Yes, we made the decision to leave, but not because we moved on or fell out of love, but because they did. So in turn, it can often feel like you were dumped.

 

I know how it feels to walk away from someone you love. It's hard, but good for you for making the right decision. Good for you for knowing you deserve only the best. If you want, you are more than welcome to read my former posts, as I think you will find that our situations are similar, and maybe you can learn something from me and not make the mistake of going back.

 

I don't have much advice to give, because we are dealing with a broken heart. I do know that it is helpful to vent and be able to talk to someone. If you can PM me, I would be more than happy to listen and help you through this.

 

Stay strong. Lift that chin up and smile. You deserve to be happy.

 

Thank you for the compliment on my writing.

 

"I can't imagine how difficult it is to be working with an ex."

 

It is honestly a living nightmare. I had never previously, before this girl, gotten involved with a coworker. I had always heard and read "don't do it!", and I would think "why??". Well...now I know EXACTLY why!!

 

If I didn't work with her I would have never had to have known or found out she's now with someone, so now I have to deal with that as well as the breakup itself, and knowing that she's with someone is MUCH harder than just dealing with the breakup itself. Just having to know that she's now f*****g someone else, and that I still have to see her, is brutal.

 

"they are the ones who emotionally checked out first."

 

I agree. I don't think she was even emotionally checked IN, in the first place.

 

"in turn, it can often feel like you were dumped."

 

That is EXACTLY how I feel! I'm the one that dumped her, yet I'm the one who feels like they got dumped! I'm the one that's suffering. How does that work??

 

Your reply to my post was EXCELLENT, and apparently you know EXACTLY how I'm feeling, and what I'm going through, because you pretty much nailed it. Thank you...

[lovelifexx]

This story sounds so much like what I have been going through. Except I have been the dumpee. I wanted to ask you what you think. My ex broke up with me 6 months ago due to circumstance. We had a great relationship and never fought and I know he loved me so much. But due to a number of factors, he broke up with me, mostly because his parents would never accept our relationship. It was a very tearful breakup. THe thing is that he totally ignored me a few weeks after we broke up. He avoids me at uni at all costs. He can't even look at me. I couldn't understand at all, it was hurting me so bad that he was acting like I didn't exist. Is this because he is trying to move on? I didn't do anything wrong so I couldn't understand why he had to act like this.

 

THe thing is that I acted exactly like your ex. I pretended like I couldn't be happier. I was joking and smiling with everyone like I was life of the party. But in reality I was falling apart. I couldn't sleep, I had panic attacks every night. THe pain was unberable. But, I promise he would never have guessed. I think it really bothered him in the beginning, but I was just trying to cope. Mostly, I wanted him back, I wanted him to see what he was missing. I was also hoping that if I pretended to be happy, it would help me to actually feel happy. I can tell you I suffered so much the last 6 months. It is getting a bit better, but is still very painful. I think that in the beginning your ex probably was super heartbroken, I can almost guarantee it. But she wanted to move on and feel better. Eventually she did meet someone.

 

Can I ask a question? I know my ex loved me to death and it was hard for him to break up with me. After about 5 months of him avoiding me at all costs, not even being able to make eye contact with me, I sent him an email. I realized that perhaps he felt like I was totally fine with the breakup and didn't care about him by the way I was acting. In the mail I wrote that I actually have been so heartbroken the whole time and that I really miss him. I told him that I wanted so bad to be able to at least be friends because I care about him so much. It has been at least a month and he never even replied to it. I was in shock. I mean after everything, if he just didn't want to be friends couldn't he write something back? Didn't I deserve even that?

 

I am so sorry about what you are going through. I have been in that position before, and it's a hell. I am also so scared it will happen again with this ex, that he will meet someone while i am still so heartbroken over him. It will get better obviously. xx

[Corydm]

Well I can't say for sure why he was ignoring you and avoiding you, only he knows why he did, but I can give you my opinion on why he did...

 

He was doing the same thing that I do with my ex at work. I avoid her and physically distance myself from her as much as possible. I don't look at her, and I don't speak to her unless I absolutely have to. I don't do these things to be an *******, or to try and be mean, I do it to try to help me get over her.

 

I obviously can't do "no contact' (which is what NEEDS to be done, in most breakups, in my opinion) because I work with her, so I try to get as close to it as I can.

 

You also said that you were acting all happy, like it didn't bother you, even though you were deeply hurt. I can understand that, why you would not want to show it. You said he saw how you were acting, and it bothered him. Well of course it bothered him, if he thought you were just "fine" with everything, and happy, so that's probably another reason why he avoided you, because he wouldn't want to have to see that.

 

That was probably the hardest thing for me to deal with (until now, finding out she's with someone); just having to see her act all happy at work, and laughing and joking, like nothing was wrong.

 

"I think that in the beginning your ex probably was super heartbroken, I can almost guarantee it. But she wanted to move on and feel better."

 

She was so heartbroken that the first thing she did was join dating sites or whatever to try find someone new?? That just doesn't sound to me like someone that's heartbroken. Like you said though, maybe she just wanted to move and on and feel better, and her solution was to find another guy as soon as possible. I don't know...I'm just not like that. The last thing on my mind would be to get with another girl right away. How could I if I still have feelings for her? So I guess I have trouble understanding how people can do that, and just bounce from one to the next.

 

You said you've been suffering for the past six months, which I can understand. Was the first thing on your mind after the breakup to join dating sites and start hooking up with guys? Probably not, right? Because you still have feelings for him, so yeah, I don't get that.

 

"It has been at least a month and he never even replied to it. I was in shock. I mean after everything, if he just didn't want to be friends couldn't he write something back? Didn't I deserve even that?

 

It's probably one of two things. He either blocked you from e-mailing him, or he did get it and read it, but didn't care, because he's moved on. And yeah, if he got it you would think he would reply and say something, but the fact that he didn't tells me he simply doesn't care anymore and has moved on.

 

Don't e-mail him or try to contact him again, for your own good. That is the problem with wanting to reach out, like you did. When you DO, they may simply not care anymore, and not reply or respond, and then you are hurt again. I think it was very nice of you to do that, to send him that e-mail, but it probably wasn't in your best interest to do so, as now you see why.

 

Take sending him that e-mail as closure for yourself. You said what you wanted to say, and try to just leave it at that and try to move on as best as you can. I'm sorry for what you're going through as well...

[lovelifexx]

Thank you for your reply. I will admit that it hurts so much to hear your view on why he didn't answer my email (I know he got it.) Stupid, naiive me, was thinking (or hoping) that maybe he didn't answer it because it hurt too much and he is still just trying to cope. Not that it makes a difference really, the outcome is the same whatever the reason. We are not together and won't be in the future. His mind is made up and he is set on following it through.

 

And to answer your question. Yes, I did join a dating site. I did the next day. It's pathetic and selfish, I agree. But I wanted to try to get over him. I was scared of being alone and thought that meeting someone else would take the pain away.

[Corydm]

"Yes, I did join a dating site. I did the next day. It's pathetic and selfish, I agree. But I wanted to try to get over him. I was scared of being alone and thought that meeting someone else would take the pain away."

 

Oh? You did?

 

I don't think it's pathetic and selfish. I personally couldn't just hook up with other girls, when I still have feelings for her, so it's hard for me to understand why people do that.

 

I can understand your reason for doing it, from what you said.

 

My question though, is did it work??

 

You said you've been suffering for six months, so you obviously still have feelings for him.

 

Did meeting new guys help take the pain away? Did you date/have a relationship with any of them?

 

I'm curious as to what your experience with that has been; joining a dating site the next day, because I think she probably did the next day as well, maybe even sooner. She obviously found and met someone she wants to be with, and she did it quite quickly.

Edited April 25, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lovelifexx]

No, it didn't work. The first guy I met was really cute and sweet and it felt good the first night I met him. Then he came over and we slept together, and I literally had to fight back the tears every time. All the guys I have dated have been duds. Even if I wasn't heartbroken with my ex, I never would have been interested in any of the guys I met on the dating site. I have never gone on a second date with any of them. I have had about 7 dates in the last 6 months. I am very very heartbroken still and I still think of him every waking minute. It's proabaly because I still see him almost every day. However, if I happened to meet a really great guy, I think I would be capable of developing feelings for him. But, it wouldn't take anything away from what I think and feel for my ex. He was an amazing boyfriend and we had something very special and no future relationship will cause me to think differently about him and what we had.

 

She unlike me, may have "lucked out" and did meet a great guy. And perhaps the difference is that you did have some issues in your relationship. We never fought once and we were both really happy with eachother, but he couldn't take the pressure anymore. That is why it is so hard for me to let go. Everything felt perfect for me. Even if she did love you so much, she perhaps felt that the relationship wasn't perfect and she could "use" that to move on to someone else so quickly.

[iouaname]

I'm sorry that you're going through this It seems to me like you're doing exactly what you need to be doing though, so good for you! I wish that I had handled it as maturely as you have! Just keep your chin up, you seem like a great guy with a lot to offer and this is truly your ex's loss and a better woman's gain!

[Corydm]

No, it didn't work. The first guy I met was really cute and sweet and it felt good the first night I met him. Then he came over and we slept together, and I literally had to fight back the tears every time. All the guys I have dated have been duds. Even if I wasn't heartbroken with my ex, I never would have been interested in any of the guys I met on the dating site. I have never gone on a second date with any of them. I have had about 7 dates in the last 6 months. I am very very heartbroken still and I still think of him every waking minute. It's proabaly because I still see him almost every day. However, if I happened to meet a really great guy, I think I would be capable of developing feelings for him. But, it wouldn't take anything away from what I think and feel for my ex. He was an amazing boyfriend and we had something very special and no future relationship will cause me to think differently about him and what we had.

 

She unlike me, may have "lucked out" and did meet a great guy. And perhaps the difference is that you did have some issues in your relationship. We never fought once and we were both really happy with eachother, but he couldn't take the pressure anymore. That is why it is so hard for me to let go. Everything felt perfect for me. Even if she did love you so much, she perhaps felt that the relationship wasn't perfect and she could "use" that to move on to someone else so quickly.

 

"And perhaps the difference is that you did have some issues in your relationship."

 

You're probably right about that. You were dumped, as was the girl I was with, but the difference between you two is that you probably did not want it to end, or want "out", and I think that she did, but maybe couldn't bring herself to do it. I almost feel with the last fight that we had that And yeah, we definitely had issues, and there's no doubt in my mind that, like you said, she "used" many of those issues, and twisted many of them in her own head (to devalue and demonize me) to make it easier for herself to not only want out, but to move on so quickly.

 

I find it interesting that you did NOT want it to end (obviously if you were dumped), and loved him and all that, yet joined a dating site immediately and started seeing guys. And don't take that the wrong way, like I am criticizing you for that, because I'm not. I just find it interesting because I can understand a person doing that, that didn't really care about the relationship ending, or the other person involved, but it makes it even harder for me to understand how/why a person would do that (immediately look for someone else) if they still loved or cared about the person.

 

Like I said though, I do understand your reasons as to "why" you did that.

 

It makes a lot of sense to me, considering that you still love/loved the guy, when you said that when you had sex with another guy, you literally had to fight back the tears. I can totally understand that, if you still had feelings for your ex.

 

I guess I'm just trying to get some insight into her mind and thought process, and how she could so easily do that...

[Corydm]

I'm sorry that you're going through this It seems to me like you're doing exactly what you need to be doing though, so good for you! I wish that I had handled it as maturely as you have! Just keep your chin up, you seem like a great guy with a lot to offer and this is truly your ex's loss and a better woman's gain!

 

"you seem like a great guy with a lot to offer and this is truly your ex's loss and a better woman's gain"

 

Thank you very much for saying that, you have no idea how happy it made me to read that. I think I needed to hear that from someone, that I AM a great guy, and that it's HER loss.

 

I'm just f*****g heartbroken right now, and would give anything for this feeling to just go away. I wish I would have never met her, or got involved with her. I should have known better.

[Darren Steez]

Bro what are you sorry about? She's with another guy, it happens. You know what you did? You smacked the ball right out of the park! Most guys see the problems creeping up and they ignore it, play ignorant and hopefully the problem goes away or if you squint hard enough you wont see it at all.

 

She disrespected you, I don't know what happened but if it happened repeatedly then she had no respect for you and hard as it was you stood up for yourself.

You dumped her, she laid down the gauntlet about contact and you didn't break it, I bet it surprised the heck out of her but she respected that.

 

You've shown her there's a line with you and that it wont be crossed..my feeling is that this guy is a rebound/temp fix..whatever, she doesnt seem to be able to be by herself for long periods of time...whatever..she doesn't matter now

 

It's a cliche, focus on yourself, date again and enjoy life. You only have one shot at it, seconds ticking away, why waste them wallowing in grief and regret...especially when you have absolutely nothing to regret!

[Corydm]

Bro what are you sorry about? She's with another guy, it happens. You know what you did? You smacked the ball right out of the park! Most guys see the problems creeping up and they ignore it, play ignorant and hopefully the problem goes away or if you squint hard enough you wont see it at all.

 

She disrespected you, I don't know what happened but if it happened repeatedly then she had no respect for you and hard as it was you stood up for yourself.

You dumped her, she laid down the gauntlet about contact and you didn't break it, I bet it surprised the heck out of her but she respected that.

 

You've shown her there's a line with you and that it wont be crossed..my feeling is that this guy is a rebound/temp fix..whatever, she doesnt seem to be able to be by herself for long periods of time...whatever..she doesn't matter now

 

It's a cliche, focus on yourself, date again and enjoy life. You only have one shot at it, seconds ticking away, why waste them wallowing in grief and regret...especially when you have absolutely nothing to regret!

 

Thanks for that, and you're right about everything you said.

 

Someone else that I spoke to said the same thing, that she's obviously one of those people that just can't be alone. That's pretty apparent with her when she's just bounced from one guy to the next, and the next...

 

And yeah, I DID show her that there's a line with me that won't be crossed. It took me a while to get to that point, actually it took me too long to get to that point, but I did get there eventually, so at least I still have some self respect left after all of this.

 

And I know I am doing myself no favors by wallowing, and that's exactly what I'm doing, but it's just difficult not to.

[lovelifexx]

Well, the reason I could do that was simply because he broke up with me. He didn't want to be with me anymore even though he loved me. It was killing me, like I mentioned I felt like I was losing my mind and the pain was so bad. I slept for 2 hours a night for the first two weeks and had panic attacks constantly. I joined the site to force myself to move on. I just wanted the pain to go away. But it didn't help at all for me. It made me feel worse. Every date I went on made me miss my ex even more.

 

I know how you feel. I have to suffer seeing him everyday and him avoiding me completely. I feel like I am living a nightmare at work. I wish we never got together so we could at least just have been friends and I could be happy at work.

 

Even if it hurts more now, I think you will get over it faster now that she has met someone else. It's usually like that for me. And who knows how she is really feeling. It may feel good for her now, to have a distraction and every thing is always perfect in the very beginning of a relaionship, but it doesnt mean she doesnt think about you. I used to rebound when I was a lot younger. But in the new relationship, I was still thinking of my ex, but the reboun was a good distraction. I guess I tried to do it this time again, but it only made things worse. I hate this.

[Corydm]

Well, the reason I could do that was simply because he broke up with me. He didn't want to be with me anymore even though he loved me. It was killing me, like I mentioned I felt like I was losing my mind and the pain was so bad. I slept for 2 hours a night for the first two weeks and had panic attacks constantly. I joined the site to force myself to move on. I just wanted the pain to go away. But it didn't help at all for me. It made me feel worse. Every date I went on made me miss my ex even more.

 

I know how you feel. I have to suffer seeing him everyday and him avoiding me completely. I feel like I am living a nightmare at work. I wish we never got together so we could at least just have been friends and I could be happy at work.

 

Even if it hurts more now, I think you will get over it faster now that she has met someone else. It's usually like that for me. And who knows how she is really feeling. It may feel good for her now, to have a distraction and every thing is always perfect in the very beginning of a relaionship, but it doesnt mean she doesnt think about you. I used to rebound when I was a lot younger. But in the new relationship, I was still thinking of my ex, but the reboun was a good distraction. I guess I tried to do it this time again, but it only made things worse. I hate this.

 

 

"Even if it hurts more now, I think you will get over it faster now that she has met someone else."

 

I think you're probably right about that. It answered a lot of lingering questions like "does she still want me?", etc. I think it pretty much forces me to accept the reality that it's REALLY over this time, which I know is for the best anyway, and like you said, I think it will help me to get over it faster, having to face that and accept it.

[Waz]

I don't know the whole story of yours.

I could say that i can relate to your feelings, i've been through something like that, but you know, i realized something. I felt pretty much the same things, although she was the one she "left" etc.

Anyway, i want to say these

 

There is no "discussing" or "working out" being disrespected and disregarded, especially when it continues to happen. You either continue to put up with it or you don't. She left me with pretty much no choice but to break up with her, which wasn't easy for me to do.

I agree with you, most of all you have to love yourself and have self-respect.

 

Dealing with the breakup was one thing, that has been hard enough, but finding out you were so quickly and easily replaced is a different kind of pain. It's kind of a massive blow to the ego and self esteem.

 

I think we like to think we are so "special" that it will be hard to replace us, that they are mourning just like we are, that they are just trying to get by and function, like we are, that they are missing us, etc.

It is indeed a massive blow to the ego mate. Everything is about ego. Even the "in love" process itself it's an ego action.

But, my opinion is, that there is not the "special" thing, that many are talking about. It's special if you want to be. You are the one who makes it "special", nothing else. I don't believe to the "it's meant to be" crap. It has to do with the two people who are involved.

 

 

I get that everyone copes differently, and that some people use rebound relationships to fill the void and to not have to deal with the pain, but I'm not built like that.

 

I truly cared about her, so it will take time to get over her. The last thing on my mind after it ended or even right now is to hook up with other girls. I don't get that. If you had feelings for someone and cared about them, how can you just start having sex with someone else and feel good about that??

You know, i think that anyone who copes a break-up with another relationship right after the breakup, is just a coward. He can't face his feelings, he is afraid to deal with them, so he distracts his self to not to think about this. But don't forget the boomerang effect, he will have someday to face them, and then what? I don't want to think about this disaster

I also think that it's good for you to think you shouldn't do this (start a new relationship right after etc.), but not because you truly cared about her, but because you love and respect yourself. Because when you know you love someone, you respect it enough to pass it by just like that, first for your self and secondly for the person you care. You respect the feeling itself if you indeed experienced it.

As you probably already understood, what i want to say is that, everything you are doing, do it first for your sake. It might seem selfish, but it isn't. I can't explain it more, it will be a huge post - it already is

 

The only explanation I can come up with as to why people can do that, and move on so fast like that, is that they really didn't care in the first place. And I saw that with her, which is one of the reasons I broke up with her. I guess I was right in thinking she didn't really care. She pretty much proved that at this point.

You really don't know what exactly happened in the first place. No one does, most persons can't understand it or realize it And most people who know, they would tell you clearly or they wouldn't at all. You know your ex somehow, if you think she is all honest, then you can answer that question. I know that in order to move on, you have to figure out what happened so you can have peace of mind. I tried that too. Until weeks ago mate. I realized how tired i was of thinking and i just faced and accepted the facts. So what, she "left" me probably for her ex, or anything else. It happens, what can you do about that? You maybe would do the same if you were in her place. In your situation, you say she didn't care about you. Lets take this for real. OK, she did it. It hurts. So what? What will change if you are just sitting around and think about that? It's a plain fact that you can do nothing about it. We said that you tried hard. Not your fault. Don't torture your self with these **** bro

 

She bounced from her ex husband, to me, back to him, back to me, and now this guy, without even taking five minutes to herself between, to deal with things. How do people operate like that?

From this, you had to see it coming mate. "The same way you get 'em is the same way you lose 'em" they say. Obviously she is pretty immature or she has a lot of baggage. It's not your fault, again. The only mistake is that you didn't think of her actions, that she was acting like that, see the whole picture. But its a mistake, not your mistake. You cared for her, you didn't do something bad.

 

I certainly don't feel like I have the "power", at this point. Yeah, I broke up with her because I had to, for myself, but I'm the one left suffering, while she moved on so fast without missing a beat, and like it was all just "nothing" to her.

I think you misunderstood this. I meant you have the power of your self. You made something that left you no room for doubting about your actions. You know that from your side, nothing went wrong. You were right in your relationship, right after. You don't question your actions. That's the power i'm talking about. That's the key for your own peace of mind. On the contrary, she is the one who must consider her actions. You don't know if she is suffering. If she doesn't now, im sure she will in the future. And this is worse for her, for anybody. But again, don't be concerned about the others. You only have to deal with your feelings, not the others. This is the job of the others. Everyone is alone at this. And you sir are lucky that you didn't do nothing wrong that led to the end of this relationship. You don't have to think much about it. It's something rare.

 

 

Sorry for my english, it's not my native language, but i try

[Noma]

I also work with my ex. We were together for almost 4 years. Lived together, adopted pets. We still run a restaurant together. It hurts, and it sucks sometimes. He owns it. We both manage it. I'm having a hard time having my heart in it anymore. I am trying, and want to! I don't feel myself when not giving 110%.

But I tell you this, if we can get through this, I believe we will be able to do ANYTHING!!

[pcplod]

It is inevitably of little consolation but try to comfort yourself with the profound realisation that there is now another man/guy going through exactly what you went through. Try to console yourself with the realisation that if she was back in your life again tomorrow you would be going through the sort of misery that in comparison with what you are going through now is mild in comparison.

 

You need time and a new life, whether with another woman who better reflects the respect you give and you need, or whether it ultimately requires a new job in a new location. If you will let it, good can come out of such experiences, even if it is impossible to see how that is possible right now.

Edited April 26, 2013 by pcplod

[Corydm]

It is inevitably of little consolation but try to comfort yourself with the profound realisation that there is now another man/guy going through exactly what you went through. Try to console yourself with the realisation that if she was back in your life again tomorrow you would be going through the sort of misery that in comparison with what you are going through now is mild in comparison.

 

You need time and a new life, whether with another woman who better reflects the respect you give and you need, or whether it ultimately requires a new job in a new location. If you will let it, good can come out of such experiences, even if it is impossible to see how that is possible right now.

 

Thanks for that, and you're right.

 

A friend of mine told me basically the same thing.

 

She said "I know you're going through hell right now, but you won't be in six months. If you are with her again, in six months you will be going through hell again. Maybe it's worth it to just pull the bandage off now."