Granin Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Over the last few months I've been swimming most days, a girl who works there usually chats with me while we make the payment transaction and everything. The vending machine never works so we'd always chat to and from so she can get the drink out by hand. I noticed she was much friendlier and talkative to me than other customers and quite flirty. I bumped into her at the gym not long ago and a friend noticed she kept looking over at me. I went over to her and we spoke for a while, got her name. She said she was going swimming later and I should go. I did. We didn't do much swimming just a lot of talking, I think we were hitting it off and I got to know her a lot better. Anyway, after building up some courage I asked her out for a drink sometime. She said yes. I wasn't sure when I'd be free that week so I asked her if she had Facebook so we could sort something out. She gave me her last name and spelled it out and I went on my way. I added her and checked my shifts and sent her a message saying when I'd be free. A week's gone by, as well as the times I'd be free and she hasn't replied or accepted my friend request (there's no notification to say she's seen the message either). I went swimming again earlier today and spoke to her. Same old stuff, about a 5 minute conversation despite paying only taking a few seconds and her being as friendly as ever, but no mention of when we'd be going for a drink. I don't want to push it if she's not interested and this is her preferred way of letting me know. I like her but I don't want to come off as a pushy creep and I'd rather let it go than lose some dignity. I'm wondering where to go from here really? Other than not being interested and wanting to avoid an awkward encounter I'm not sure why she'd be doing this? I've known girls to have litmus tests to see if guys are a certain type of person in the past but I've really got no idea what the hell this is. Am I overthinking it? Should I leave it? Ask her if she's still up for drinks and nail a date in person? Bit confused here. Don't want to put my neck out (again) pointlessly but would quite like to make some progress here. Thanks for your help.
Jbum5 Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 It's highly likely that she is interested because instead of swimming, you guys ended up chatting most of the time and she seemed to be fine with that. Perhaps you just added the wrong person on FB. Whatever the situation is, sort it out soon and I suggest using your phone as the tool of choice when it comes to communication. 1
Author Granin Posted April 23, 2013 Author Posted April 23, 2013 It's highly likely that she is interested because instead of swimming, you guys ended up chatting most of the time and she seemed to be fine with that. Perhaps you just added the wrong person on FB. Whatever the situation is, sort it out soon and I suggest using your phone as the tool of choice when it comes to communication. I would, I just feel a bit awkward getting her number while she's working, I don't want to get her in trouble. Where as just asking her last name seems a lot more innocent. If I do try and get things moving again, I will go for the number though. Thanks you
Author Granin Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 Right bit of an update Still no response or friend accept on Facebook. It's been two weeks. There's no "seen" thingy on the message either so she hasn't looked at it, but I guess it's possible she's ignored it altogether. Just saw her at the pool not long ago. Chatted a bit, she asked if I was ok the last time she saw me because I seemed a bit off, I told her I was just shattered (I was). Asked if she's still up for drinks. She said yes. I asked her if she was free tomorrow, she said no. She said she'd let me know when she's free on Facebook, and said she hardly uses it. I said I think I've added her, but I wasn't sure because her profile picture has her with a glass up to her face, she laughed and said that was her. She does have 3 jobs, but how long does it take to accept a friend request and reply to a message? Honestly I'm not sure where I've gone wrong here, but I suspect she's not interested at all. I know it's not up to me to dictate how other people let me know this, but I'd really prefer just a straight up "no" rather than leaving me dangling for two weeks. She's still really friendly. I'm pretty sure this is a blow off now but I'd like some input anyway. Is there any other reason she'd be behaving like this? Feel free to crush any of my lingering hopes
Jbum5 Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 You are reading into it too much. The fact that you mentioned "seemed more innocent" already suggests that you are trying to gauge her interest, but not be as direct about it. If you are interested, just go for it. Make your intentions clear. Sometimes all it takes is for one party to go all out in order for the other party to get it and get in. In many cases, subtleties lead to no outcome or an undesirable one. 1
Author Granin Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 You are reading into it too much. The fact that you mentioned "seemed more innocent" already suggests that you are trying to gauge her interest, but not be as direct about it. If you are interested, just go for it. Make your intentions clear. Sometimes all it takes is for one party to go all out in order for the other party to get it and get in. In many cases, subtleties lead to no outcome or an undesirable one. I get that, but it's difficult because the only time I really see her is when she's working. There's usually someone else in the office with her as well as other people in the gym lobby. If I could get this first date sorted I know I'd be flying.
Jbum5 Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Fair enough. Then I suggest that you tell her (during a break maybe, or whenever you two might get a few seconds of alone time at work) to pick a day to grab the drinks. Attempt this at least twice and if she fails to follow-up by setting a specific date/time or gives you bread crumb answers, you might as well start moving on. 1
Author Granin Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 Fair enough. Then I suggest that you tell her (during a break maybe, or whenever you two might get a few seconds of alone time at work) to pick a day to grab the drinks. Attempt this at least twice and if she fails to follow-up by setting a specific date/time or gives you bread crumb answers, you might as well start moving on. I'm only willing to do that once to be honest, and I have. She said she'd let me know via Facebook. Still nothing on there. The ball's in her court, all I can do is wait really and hope for the best. If it is a no, would have much preferred that as a straight up answer. Honestly starting to pre-emptively dislike her a bit. I think if someone has the courage to ask you out, you should reciprocate some courage if the answer is a no. I'd even appreciate just replying on Facebook to say she's changed her mind. It's manners and respect really. Quick. Clean. Done. And I don't have to lose any more dignity finding out what's going on when the answer is already predetermined. Then again could be overthinking it, but I know if I was interested I would have replied and got something sorted not long after the initial invite.
MidwestUSA Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Stop relying on messaging through Facebook. You've got a live person in front of you, but fall back on "I'll let you know via FB". I will never understand this! 4
Archgirl Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 The facebook thing is killing you dude. I hate it when guys try to contact me through it. It seems so lazy and like they don't really care. A bit of a dissappointment even. It's just not sexy. Plus I don't like friending random dudes - it's letting them into my real life before I even know them and all my GF's/family would be wanting to know who he was etc before I even knew. I like my early dating kept off social media. Make a date with her in person next time the conversation is going well. Seriously. 5
StanMusial Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 By my count you've asked her twice to get a drink. Leave the ball in her court, she is mildly interested at best and just being friendly at worst.
BluEyeL Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Just ask her IN PERSON: would you like to get a drink with me on Friday after work? If she says I'd like to, but Friday won't work, ask her: what day would work for you? So simple. 1
wahine Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Then again could be overthinking it, but I know if I was interested I would have replied and got something sorted not long after the initial invite. Exactly. I think that most people who are interested would make it a priority to set a date. And as far as the facebook thing goes, if I were her, I'd rather you contact me that way than ask me to give out my number at work. I think you did the right thing here, and she's just being inconsiderate and wishy-washy. Whatever her problem is, I wouldn't expect her to be up front with you about it. Either you have to be more blunt and flat-out ask her what's going on, or move on I guess.
Author Granin Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 (edited) While I appreciate the responses it seems like some of you haven't really read through the topic properly @BluEyeL, Archgirl, MidwestUSA: Just saw her at the pool not long ago. Chatted a bit. Asked if she's still up for drinks. She said yes. I asked her if she was free tomorrow, she said no. She said she'd let me know when she's free on Facebook I proposed that originally yes because I didn't know when I'd be free and to me, it just seemed a bit more appropriate to arrange something on Facebook than to ask for someone's number while they're working. If this is really some fast track to getting a girl uninterested, then thanks for letting me know, because that makes absolutely no sense to me but I'll avoid doing it from now on. But, like you all suggested, I've already followed that up with trying to arrange a date in person and she followed that up by telling me she'd let me know via Facebook like the original plan. So, should I just leave the ball in her court (which is what I think I should do now really)? Or ask her straight out if there's a problem? I don't want to force someone into an uncomfortable situation if she actually isn't interested and she's trying to give me a hint, but it's common courtesy and respect to answer honestly in my opinion. She's had more than one chance to do that now and could even do it via Facebook, I'd appreciate it a lot more than leaving me hanging. Her body language and attitude is always friendly and personal. She hasn't acted cold towards me or anything. If I were trying to give someone a hint (I wouldn't I'd just tell them straight up) I'd mix in some cold body language in there to help get it across. I think the best thing to do is just carry on as normal and wait, but probably start looking at other options now, which I've got. But if anyone has any suggestions to get things moving here, I'd really love to hear them. @Archgirl: Oh and we do know each other a little, it's not like we're complete strangers. I know quite a bit about her already and the same goes for her about me. Edited May 4, 2013 by Granin
Archgirl Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Seriously I don't friend guys until we're a few months into a committed relationship. My social circle is way too nosy! I think definitely pursue other options. If only so that this will change your attitude to this girl - we pick up on confidence/attractiveness to other women. Try playing it a bit cooler when you see her again. Like she's failed to follow through a coupla times - she shouldn't be rewarded with nice friendly you. It makes you look over eager. So play it a bit cooler and let her see the prize she is not chasing after. Know what I mean? 1
Author Granin Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 Seriously I don't friend guys until we're a few months into a committed relationship. My social circle is way too nosy! I think definitely pursue other options. If only so that this will change your attitude to this girl - we pick up on confidence/attractiveness to other women. Try playing it a bit cooler when you see her again. Like she's failed to follow through a coupla times - she shouldn't be rewarded with nice friendly you. It makes you look over eager. So play it a bit cooler and let her see the prize she is not chasing after. Know what I mean? Yep I know exactly what you mean It's what I intend to do I've got a very attractive female friend who wants to come swimming with me this week. We've never dated but do have a flirtation thing going on, but we've never done anything past kissing. Would it be a bit too cheeky to bring her on the day I know this other girl is working? My friend isn't seriously interested, she's just a friend, so I don't have to worry about making her jealous and she knows I've asked this other girl out. We talk about each others dating options sometimes, but we have a flirty friendship. I don't want to play mind games or upset this other girl if she really is interested and is genuinely busy, but if she is interested, I think it might just give her some incentive to hurry up and sort a date out if she sees that I have other women in my life (even if they're not potential dating options, and she won't know that anyway). Or could it possibly blow up in my face and she'll just see me as a dick who goes for multiple women at once? 1
Archgirl Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Yep I know exactly what you mean It's what I intend to do I've got a very attractive female friend who wants to come swimming with me this week. We've never dated but do have a flirtation thing going on, but we've never done anything past kissing. Would it be a bit too cheeky to bring her on the day I know this other girl is working? My friend isn't seriously interested, she's just a friend, so I don't have to worry about making her jealous and she knows I've asked this other girl out. We talk about each others dating options sometimes, but we have a flirty friendship. I don't want to play mind games or upset this other girl if she really is interested and is genuinely busy, but if she is interested, I think it might just give her some incentive to hurry up and sort a date out if she sees that I have other women in my life (even if they're not potential dating options, and she won't know that anyway). Or could it possibly blow up in my face and she'll just see me as a dick who goes for multiple women at once? My first reaction is dont do it dude! Having a subconscious aura of "I have options" is a whole different ball game to "I have options and here is one of them right up in your grill" We hate that! It would turn me right off or make me think you were a player. We automatically assume any chick you are hanging out with is a love interest. It will totally make her think you are a d*ck and she will back right off not work a lil harder. 2
Author Granin Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 Ahh you women are so complicated Avoid that situation at all costs then? Because there's a good chance that's the only day we can go anyway haha. I'm not saying I'm going to flaunt it in her face btw (this female friend is perfectly ok with me motorboating her DD fake boobs hahaha) just be perfectly chill about it all Basically just chill out and see what happens then? I'm not going to bring up going out again, it's all on her now. Really I'm not too fussed, don't have a mega crush on this girl but this is easily one of the most confusing dating situations I've ever been faced with. Maybe that's come off when talking to her actually, she's a bit of an enigma to me That said if she isn't interested and she's gone this whole hint route instead of having some balls and being honest, I would feel like motorboating my friend in front of her as a "**** you" 1
Archgirl Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Ahh you women are so complicated Avoid that situation at all costs then? Because there's a good chance that's the only day we can go anyway haha. I'm not saying I'm going to flaunt it in her face btw (this female friend is perfectly ok with me motorboating her DD fake boobs hahaha) just be perfectly chill about it all Basically just chill out and see what happens then? I'm not going to bring up going out again, it's all on her now. Really I'm not too fussed, don't have a mega crush on this girl but this is easily one of the most confusing dating situations I've ever been faced with. Maybe that's come off when talking to her actually, she's a bit of an enigma to me That said if she isn't interested and she's gone this whole hint route instead of having some balls and being honest, I would feel like motorboating my friend in front of her as a "**** you" Was it your "friend" who suggested you go swimming? At some point after you told her about the chick you like? She's trying to lay claim. She knows a well as I do that you guys showing up together will put the nix on things with pool girl. Avoid it at all costs. BTW you need to stop calling your friend a friend. She's clearly a wannabe FB. And frankly sounds utterly tacky. Friends don't kiss or motorboat. It's kinda integral to the definition
Author Granin Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 (edited) Was it your "friend" who suggested you go swimming? At some point after you told her about the chick you like? She's trying to lay claim. She knows a well as I do that you guys showing up together will put the nix on things with pool girl. Avoid it at all costs. BTW you need to stop calling your friend a friend. She's clearly a wannabe FB. And frankly sounds utterly tacky. Friends don't kiss or motorboat. It's kinda integral to the definition Yeah she suggested we go swimming, but I told her about the pool girl AFTER she suggested it. Friend is quicker to type than "wannabe FB" But no not really, any physical contact between us has always been alcohol induced, she wouldn't actually be ok with me motorboating her in a gym lobby, that was a joke haha Ok I'll avoid it Thanks for the advice! If you've got anything else I could use it I think (I'm not actually a player I was just toying with the idea of trying to look like one) Edited May 4, 2013 by Granin
Archgirl Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Yeah she suggested we go swimming, but I told her about the pool girl AFTER she suggested it. Friend is quicker to type than "wannabe FB" But no not really, any physical contact between us has always been alcohol induced, she wouldn't actually be ok with me motorboating her in a gym lobby, that was a joke haha Ok I'll avoid it Thanks for the advice! If you've got anything else I could use it I think (I'm not actually a player I was just toying with the idea of trying to look like one) Hahaha! I still bet she picked up on the interest at the pool and that's why she suggested it. I don't think the player thing is a good idea. I'm all out of suggestions now I need more info or to hear what happens when next you see her. You should prolly cut off wannabe though, I think that's gonna bite you in the ass in terms of drama sooner or later. Coz you clearly aren't interested in her much given pool girl. 1
scorpio1978 Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Why don't you just nix the FB thing all together and give the girl your phone number? Say, "here is my number, give me a call when you have some time. I would love to take you out". I hate the idea of adding a person to my FB before I get to know them too. It's very personal and it's too soon when you don't know someone. I also don't like the "Would you like to go out Friday?" and if she says "No. I am busy" you ask "Ok, well when is good for you?". It's too much pressure on someone who has 3 jobs and does not have a calendar in hand. Just relax, give your number and see if she bites. 1
Author Granin Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 @scorpio: I quite like that, I might give that a try and see if it makes a difference. I think it's probably a slim chance and this definitely the furthest I'm going to push it though. There's only so far I'm willing to go for someone who for all I know could be praying I **** off haha @Archgirl: Haha yeah I agree, it's a risk that probably won't pay off in the end, and even if it does it's not really my kind of thing to try and manipulate people's psychology. I'm not interested in a fling from this girl, I like her enough to see if we can start something good, and it's a **** start for that really isn't it? What do you think of scorpio's idea?
Archgirl Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 @scorpio: I quite like that, I might give that a try and see if it makes a difference. I think it's probably a slim chance and this definitely the furthest I'm going to push it though. There's only so far I'm willing to go for someone who for all I know could be praying I **** off haha @Archgirl: Haha yeah I agree, it's a risk that probably won't pay off in the end, and even if it does it's not really my kind of thing to try and manipulate people's psychology. I'm not interested in a fling from this girl, I like her enough to see if we can start something good, and it's a **** start for that really isn't it? What do you think of scorpio's idea? I think it's a great idea that would have worked initially but you've made too many moves now. Ya gotta be cool and regain some mystery I think, be interested just slightly unattainable for a bit and wait til her interest level steps back up. Then try scorpios move like after you've seen her a few times or whenever she's given you a clear green light. What do you think? Make sense?
Author Granin Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 I think it's a great idea that would have worked initially but you've made too many moves now. Ya gotta be cool and regain some mystery I think, be interested just slightly unattainable for a bit and wait til her interest level steps back up. Then try scorpios move like after you've seen her a few times or whenever she's given you a clear green light. What do you think? Make sense? Hmm I'm not sure. I definitely get backing off a bit as I don't want to come on too strong, but at the same time I think the longer I leave it the situation is only going to get worse and more unsalvageable. What about using a little excuse? Like "my internet is down right now so use my number if you need to let me know about that drink". Really though I think this is all quite a slim chance. If I was her and preferred not to go the Facebook route I just would have said "can we exchange numbers first?". I'm not saying I'm a social situation master but I've really picked up on nothing to suggest she isn't interested in terms of body language or voice tone. But LOGICALLY it just seems that's the way things are headed.
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