singme2sleep Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 I'm been feeling better, for the last 2 weeks now. Been telling myself he's an idiot and that I am a good catch etc. But the question remains- If I'm so great, then why did he leave and why am I alone? Anyone else ever think this way???
mtnbiker3000 Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 It's because you get your self-worth, self-esteem, approval and validation from someone else. Get all of that from within, problem solved. Oh. that's all? Why didn't I think of that?? Easier said than done, my friend. I am on that quest now, and it's a little tougher than just saying it and 'poof' it happens. Any methods/techniques/tips to accomplish this... I am looking to Eastern philosophy, but is a complex and time consuming process. Not a quick fix... 5
iouaname Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 But the question remains- If I'm so great, then why did he leave and why am I alone? Because he's an idiot! I think that we all feel like that. I feel like that, for sure. He is over me and moved on, and here I am at Loveshack four months later, still trying to cope! It makes me wonder if that means that he's more of a catch than I am.
mtnbiker3000 Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 I'm been feeling better, for the last 2 weeks now. Been telling myself he's an idiot and that I am a good catch etc. But the question remains- If I'm so great, then why did he leave and why am I alone? Anyone else ever think this way??? Actually, in some cases it just that you two were incompatible and just didn't realize it or address it until many feelings were already established. Then it's pain time!! This is what happened in my RS. 1
Author singme2sleep Posted April 23, 2013 Author Posted April 23, 2013 Because he's an idiot! I think that we all feel like that. I feel like that, for sure. He is over me and moved on, and here I am at Loveshack four months later, still trying to cope! It makes me wonder if that means that he's more of a catch than I am. Well if I made a list, he def has more baggage than me. I just don't get how he found another girlfriend so fast...do women lower their standards more than men do?!? People aren't pennies on the ground, even if I was actively looking for someone new, which I'm not yet, I just don't think it's that simple to stumble upon love. Unless he just went to a bar and picked up the first girl who smiled at him! Anyway I guess it doesn't matter, I'm just venting...
Author singme2sleep Posted April 23, 2013 Author Posted April 23, 2013 (edited) livedandlearned- I've seen some of your comments on other threads. You're entitled to your own opinion but you don't have to be so harsh with everyone ! We are all on here trying to move on from our relationships and for some of us it's harder than others. You can say what you like, that's your right but pushing people down doesn't always make them stronger. Are you trying to be my new sparring partner? It seems like whenever anybody on here writes a thread doubting the self even a little, you spring into attack mode and jump at them! Oh, and I am not "needy" or "codependent" or "delusional" and neither is IOU! You however are brash and surly. Edited April 23, 2013 by singme2sleep 1
iouaname Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Looking at your threads titles alone... You want your dignity back, you say you deserved better, you are needy, co-dependent, delusional and questioning the "love" that you accepted from your Ex. Considering that you are young, this is your first relationship and first break up... It's no surprise that you think, feel and have acted like the way you have. It's also why your break up and coping with it has been nothing short of a trainwreck. I am an idiot? No. What I said is true and it applies to the OP and you too. Whoa Simmer down there, bud. Maybe you just struggle with reading comprehension - but nobody called you an idiot. The original poster asked why he left her and why she is alone, and I made a joke that it was because her ex was an idiot. No WE don't all feel like that. There are plenty of people on here who think they are worthy of their Ex or someone else. Disappointed, sad, frustrated, hurt, anger, etc. are normal and expected feelings... Questioning your worthiness shouldn't be one of them. Who the HELL are you to decide what normal emotions are? I think it's completely normal for your self-esteem to suffer after a breakup and it's completely normal to question your worthiness. You suffer from the same issue as the OP and it's why this break up has been like a nuclear bomb going off in your life. You need to get your self-worth, self-esteem, approval and validation from within and make sure you maintain your "life balance" at all times (when you do / don't have a BF). If you do this, when a relationship ends... You still have friends, family, hobbies, interests, dreams and goals to pursue (independent and outside of a guy or the relationship), passions, desires, etc. that will keep you from hitting total and complete rock bottom or getting to the point of feeling / thinking / questioning the way you do.Yes I'm aware that this breakup has been like a nuclear bomb going off in my life and I'm also aware that I have not handled it well. If you had bothered to know what you're talking about by reading my threads, you'll see that I am under no delusions of what I have to work on. The original poster asked if anyone else felt this way, and I said yes, other people feel this way. I feel this way. 4
GI_Joy Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 I'm been feeling better, for the last 2 weeks now. Been telling myself he's an idiot and that I am a good catch etc. But the question remains- If I'm so great, then why did he leave and why am I alone? Anyone else ever think this way??? I have had these fleeting thoughts as well, so you're not alone. I am definitely well aware of my own worth, but from time to time I wonder if it was my fault that my ex didn't try hard enough/care enough in our relationship. I know I deserved so much more from him than he ever offered and it just makes me wonder what was it about me that made him think, oh, I don't need to put much effort into this. Sometimes I think it's because I've been so used to being independent that "relying" on someone seemed foreign to me, and partly I can see how I did it to myself because I was so accommodating to him, but thankfully I don't let these thoughts consume me. I just think this sometimes because I don't want to run into the same problem for the next relationship, whenever that may be lol. 1
Mack05 Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 (edited) I'm been feeling better, for the last 2 weeks now. Been telling myself he's an idiot and that I am a good catch etc. But the question remains- If I'm so great, then why did he leave and why am I alone? Anyone else ever think this way??? You know singme2sleep I went through the same thing. My last relationship was with a poster on this site. She emotionally and verbally abused the crap out of me (I still have these many vicious emails to prove it) yet pretends to be a good person. A wolf in sheep's clothing. I went through the same thought process and even worse. I started to even think her disgusting vile abuse was in a way right. Thankfully I got my self esteem back and while liveandlearned might have upset you, his point is very valid. Once you believe in yourself nothing anyway says or does can get in the way of your dreams. You have so much to offer. I sense it and my sixth sense is rarely wrong. Forgive him and move on. Release the stranglehold he has over you. I have had a great time on this site. I have had help with my broken heart and hopefully I have helped a few people along the way. You do get to a stage though when you realise you can stay on here for too long and I have reached that stage. Life is for living. It's what we make of it. After all we have only one shot at it and too waste it on people who never deserved us is a shame. Belief in yourself, never stop dreaming and you won't go too far wrong. Au Revoir sing. Sorry for the times I upset you..I wish you and every poster on LS well Edited April 23, 2013 by Mack05
ThatJustHappened Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 You know singme2sleep I went through the same thing. My last relationship was with a poster on this site. She emotionally and verbally abused the crap out of me (I still have these many vicious emails to prove it) yet pretends to be a good person. A wolf in sheep's clothing. I went through the same thought process and even worse. I started to even think her disgusting vile abuse was in a way right. Thankfully I got my self esteem back and while liveandlearned might have upset you, his point is very valid. Once you believe in yourself nothing anyway says or does can get in the way of your dreams. You have so much to offer. I sense it and my sixth sense is rarely wrong. Forgive him and move on. Release the stranglehold he has over you. I have had a great time on this site. I have had help with my broken heart and hopefully I have helped a few people along the way. You do get to a stage though when you realise you can stay on here for too long and I have reached that stage. Life is for living. It's what we make of it. After all we have only one shot at it and too waste it on people who never deserved us is a shame. Belief in yourself, never stop dreaming and you won't go too far wrong. Au Revoir sing. Sorry for the times I upset you..I wish you and every poster on LS well Is this for real?
jkepler85 Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Look at it this way...for whatever reason, they were unhappy enough to consider breaking up the best alternative for them at the time. Being unhappy for weeks or months sucks. Lots of time this happens because people get weak and dependent or too comfortable, which isn't attractive. Sometimes a relationship has just run it's course and someone see's that it will likely not offer what they want from it. Take time to rebuild your identity. You're the only one in this life who's job is 100% to look out for you. I'm sorry for your pain and self doubt, it'll get better as you let go, rebuild yourself, and enjoy life. When you do that you also give yourself the best chance of being attractive to them again (NOTE: That does not mean they will come back, but sometimes they do, many times they do not). Believe me, I've struggled with it several times now. The first time I was down and out for almost a year. I'm at 2 months post breakup now and I'm about 80-90% recovered, much faster than last time. Give yourself time, surround yourself with friends and family, express your emotions to friends or counselors. Become a better you for your own reasons. You'll be stronger and perhaps even realize they weren't that great, especially when someone new comes along and is attracted to your newer, attractive self.
Esoteric Elf Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 It's because you get your self-worth, self-esteem, approval and validation from someone else. Get all of that from within, problem solved. K. Let me try it. Person 1: You suck. Person 2: You suck. Person 3: You suck. Person 4: You suck. Person 5: You suck. Person 6: You suck. Person 7: You suck. Person 8: You suck. Person 9: You suck. Person 10: You suck. Person 11: You suck. Person 12: You suck. Person 13: You suck. Person 14: You suck. Person 15: You suck. Person 16: You suck. Person 17: You suck. Person 18: You suck. Person 19: You suck. Person 20: You suck. Person 21: You suck. Person 22: You suck. Person 23: You suck. Person 24: You suck. Person 25: You suck. Person 26: You suck. Person 27: You suck. Person 28: You suck. Person 29: You suck. Person 30: You suck. . . . Person X: You suck. Hmmmm. Well, I wouldn't consider myself a genius, but I do believe there is a pattern here. You don't think they...might be... Self esteem can be forged only so much by inner self before a reasoning person might start a-thinkin'.
mtnbiker3000 Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 ^^ Sorry, maybe I'm not too bright. What are ya talkng about??
Esoteric Elf Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 ^^ Sorry, maybe I'm not too bright. What are ya talkng about?? I guess you are referring to my post?? Self esteem cannot and is not built upon only what one thinks of oneself; it is highly contingent upon feedback from peers and those surrounding the individual, which, if consistent enough, can sway the a person's self-worth evaluation.
Treasa Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 K. Let me try it. Person 1: You suck. Person 2: You suck. Person 3: You suck. Person 4: You suck. Person 5: You suck. Person 6: You suck. Person 7: You suck. Person 8: You suck. Person 9: You suck. Person 10: You suck. Person 11: You suck. Person 12: You suck. Person 13: You suck. Person 14: You suck. Person 15: You suck. Person 16: You suck. Person 17: You suck. Person 18: You suck. Person 19: You suck. Person 20: You suck. Person 21: You suck. Person 22: You suck. Person 23: You suck. Person 24: You suck. Person 25: You suck. Person 26: You suck. Person 27: You suck. Person 28: You suck. Person 29: You suck. Person 30: You suck. . . . Person X: You suck. Hmmmm. Well, I wouldn't consider myself a genius, but I do believe there is a pattern here. You don't think they...might be... Self esteem can be forged only so much by inner self before a reasoning person might start a-thinkin'. Is this a line? Are these people 10 years old? I would have stopped listening to them after the first person, assumed they were a moron or having a bad day, and would have frozen out 2 through X. But hey, that's just me, loving the hell out of myself and living my life the best way I know how. I live my life well. If people don't like it, but I'm not actually hurting them...that's their own **** they have to deal with. I don't have to worry about it. Isn't it great when you only have to look inside for validation? You are at the mercy of no one else.
Treasa Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 I guess you are referring to my post?? Self esteem cannot and is not built upon only what one thinks of oneself; it is highly contingent upon feedback from peers and those surrounding the individual, which, if consistent enough, can sway the a person's self-worth evaluation. Yeah, I'm going to have to go ahead and disagree with this. People build validation upon the PERCEIVED feelings of others. Someone might be pissed because they burned their pancakes that morning, be short with you, and you might feel like they don't like you. Your feelings about yourself go up and down,, based on what you THINK others might think. I can be perfectly happy even if everyone around me is being snotty or pissy or whatever. It doesn't affect how I feel about myself.
Esoteric Elf Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Is this a line? Are these people 10 years old? I would have stopped listening to them after the first person, assumed they were a moron or having a bad day, and would have frozen out 2 through X. But hey, that's just me, loving the hell out of myself and living my life the best way I know how. I live my life well. If people don't like it, but I'm not actually hurting them...that's their own **** they have to deal with. I don't have to worry about it. Isn't it great when you only have to look inside for validation? You are at the mercy of no one else. I am guessing you do not take feedback, good or bad, then? Or are you merely making reference to what you would have to decide is solely malicious remarks?
Treasa Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 I am guessing you do not take feedback, good or bad, then? Or are you merely making reference to what you would have to decide is solely malicious remarks? "You suck" isn't feedback. My boss telling me that in my next class she'd like me to explain XYZ is feedback. I do listen to that, of course. If getting your validation from others is making you happy, then you keep on doing it. It didn't make me anything but insecure, so I stopped doing it. It's taken work, but now people love to be around me.
Esoteric Elf Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 "You suck" isn't feedback. My boss telling me that in my next class she'd like me to explain XYZ is feedback. I do listen to that, of course. If getting your validation from others is making you happy, then you keep on doing it. It didn't make me anything but insecure, so I stopped doing it. It's taken work, but now people love to be around me. "You suck" was a contraction and generaliztion for what one could deem as negative feedback. Feedback from people (as you well know) can be facetious and/or appropriately constructive, but, regardless, enough of a similar comment or feedback (purpose of my copy/pasting "you suck" many times) may start to reverse a person's self-perception. Your second statement answers the question. I am satisfied.
Author singme2sleep Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 You know singme2sleep I went through the same thing. My last relationship was with a poster on this site. She emotionally and verbally abused the crap out of me (I still have these many vicious emails to prove it) yet pretends to be a good person. A wolf in sheep's clothing. I went through the same thought process and even worse. I started to even think her disgusting vile abuse was in a way right. Thankfully I got my self esteem back and while liveandlearned might have upset you, his point is very valid. Once you believe in yourself nothing anyway says or does can get in the way of your dreams. You have so much to offer. I sense it and my sixth sense is rarely wrong. Forgive him and move on. Release the stranglehold he has over you. I have had a great time on this site. I have had help with my broken heart and hopefully I have helped a few people along the way. You do get to a stage though when you realise you can stay on here for too long and I have reached that stage. Life is for living. It's what we make of it. After all we have only one shot at it and too waste it on people who never deserved us is a shame. Belief in yourself, never stop dreaming and you won't go too far wrong. Au Revoir sing. Sorry for the times I upset you..I wish you and every poster on LS well Good luck Mack, and I appreciate all the past advice!
Author singme2sleep Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 livedandlearned- Perhaps I judged you too harshly, and for that I apologize. I tend to be a very defensive person and the claws come out easily if I feel someone is criticizing me. No hard feelings...
iouaname Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 There's no need to apologize to him, he was really unnecessarily vicious I didn't even call him an idiot and he launched into attack mode. I think some posters need to learn the difference between 'tough love' and being unnecessarily rude. 1
Treasa Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 "You suck" was a contraction and generaliztion for what one could deem as negative feedback. Feedback from people (as you well know) can be facetious and/or appropriately constructive, but, regardless, enough of a similar comment or feedback (purpose of my copy/pasting "you suck" many times) may start to reverse a person's self-perception. Your second statement answers the question. I am satisfied. Soooo...what you're saying is that I should stop being happy now that I really like myself regardless of what others *might* think, and go back to getting my validation from others like I used to, even though it made me unhappy? That doesn't make sense.
Treasa Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Your second statement answers the question. I am satisfied. I'm not happy because they love to be around me. That would be amazing if I could make that happen for everyone. I had to be happy first. It happened as a result.
Chevuron Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 I at first thought this way shortly after my breakup with my first ex and best friend of eight years at the beginning of January of this year. At first I begin to question myself and if their was something wrong with me--Why'd he choose her and not me--that sort of questioning. But, afterwards I begin to think that maybe at the moment we really were too incompatible. There is nothing saying that years later we might not get back together or that there isn't someone much better out there for you! One thing I did learn is to treat myself like my own "Best Friend" <: Even when no one is around you'll always have yourself-so why not be good to yourself and treat yourself like you'd do your friends! I personally can count the amount of people I truly call friends on one hand--but I do not love them any less and I love myself very much. You just gotta Keep Moving Forward!
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