bentnotbroken77 Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Hey All, This is my first post ever. Apologies for the length - it is a bit of a purge, and as with other CP related posts, there are just so many little details. Just joined the forum after reading some fairly helpful comments from others (as opposed to the typical unhelpful "she dumped you dude, deal with it" comments I see elsewhere, although sometimes I know that the answers are tough!), and needed a good place to share some thoughts with others who have gone through what I'm going through and hopefully get some insight. I am in the process of coming out of a committed relationship with my girlfriend of 1.5 years. Before we started our relationship "proper", we were pretty much best friends (even through the breakup of her marriage of about 1.5 years) for another couple of years. Admittedly we picked up a little quickly after her marriage ended, but we had always promised to talk things through and work things out no matter what and for awhile we did. As a background, I am a little older than my ex is, and she was my most committed and longest lasting relationship. She later told me she had many failed relationships that died a couple of months in, when she would be dumped. Things were great for the first eight months or so - we were that typical "so cute you need to kill them" couple. We love all of the same things - same sports, arts, going to the beach, we were both roller coaster fiends.... Both were beyond the clubbing scene etc., and neither in a hurry to get married or have kids. We would send lots of messages back and forth (she originally pursued me for a long time vigorously by texts), and clearly we were in love. We had a great summer, travelling, hitting the beach, going to games and theme parks and enjoying BEING in love. Then I started to see an almost "cloud" descend over her starting at the end of the summer/early fall. She just seemed a bit distant. I would ask her what was wrong, and she would snap at me that it was nothing. We had a couple of "talks" where I was saying that I felt a distance between us and that if we needed to talk things through, we should be doing that. She eventually confessed that her ex had been very controlling, had used sex as a means of control, and that she needed me to be patient so she could work out some of those feelings and fears. She said that it was so refreshing to have someone like me who let her "be her", but that it was taking some adjustment. By this time, both our respective families had pretty much adopted the other as a member of their family, and there was very much a sense that the future would be the two of us together, and there was no hurry. Things settled down for a bit, although I found myself choking down those feelings of being cut off somewhat from her emotionally thinking "this is just until she can work through things, then we can get back to building the relationship we had at the beginning". Of course I backed off on sex a lot as it was clear that she had a difficult time before with her ex-husband. She told me to limit the emails and texts that she used to love, and even just one romantic email was starting to cause stress as she "felt compelled" to respond in a similar fashion and that was "pressuring" her. I trusted in her ongoing promise that WE were good, and she just needed some time to get past these feelings. We had a good holiday season - time at each of our respective families places. We still had some disconnect going on, but things seemed to be moving forward. Then a week after new years, she imploded saying "I'm afraid that I don't love you enough", and that she was afraid that we were going to collapse because at about this time in her relationship with her ex, certain things reared up. Basically she said although we didn't have a timeline for US, she couldn't help comparing the chronology with the relationship with her ex and start worrying that things were going to go all wrong. All of our mutual friends thought we were perfect, and she said she wished she could see us as they did. Wow. Not a great thing to hear. She decided to go back to the counsellor she had seen when she was going through the breakup of her marriage, and even before she saw her counsellor, and only a couple days after the "implosion" she said "I feel much better - I know I love you or I wouldn't feel this upset, but there are just things I need to work through". I said that I would work through with her, and stick by her, and help however I could. I said that if she thought it would help, I would gladly go to joint counselling, but she insisted that it was not "US" it was HER and we'd be OK. We started to move forward again, ever so slowly. She spent a week away on her own with her family (I sensed she was taking a little "mini break" from me at this point) and when she came back, I clearly got the sense that she was not particularly enthusiastic to spend time with just me. She almost dodged me when she came back, and when I called her on it we talked more and it seemed that she had clearly started "rationalizing me away". The best stuff she came up with was downright bizarre - eg. even though neither of us had committed one way or other to kids, my age concerned her as she did not have the constitution to deal with a special needs child, and the fact I was a few years older would increase the chances of that. Aside from being medically wrong, this was just bizarre. She also had drawn conclusions about my past which were completely wrong and essentially "fantasy", and I corrected her on those saying "if this bit of my past was an issue, why didn't you just ask to talk about it?" I also said that for a long time I had been feeling like she was turning me into the "enemy" in her mind - that I distinctly got the impression she did not want me around a lot of the time. She denied everything, and we talked and agreed that we would both try and communicate better. I again suggested we should see someone together for some counselling, but that was not acknowledged let alone agreed to. Within two days, without warning, she was on the floor, in tears, saying "we need to take a break". Just before she took the time away at home, we were talking about summer trips with couples friends etc.) Now she was saying "you've done everything right, you are perfect" etc. but she was just scared and overwhelmed and needed to come to terms with what she wanted. So we started a break period. I left it up to her to deal with contact, and she basically couldn't hack "cold turkey" so we tried to keep things light while still giving her some space. I was already pretty shattered at this point as I was trying to be supportive, but nothing I did seemed to help and I started to think "had I been more direct and forceful about things - our relationship, about initiating sex and intimacy etc. - maybe this wouldn't be happening". The usual second guessing stuff. I tried to do some reading to understand what was going on (now what I believe to be CP) and it helped somewhat. I got some counselling from my family doctor as well which was helpful, and he was clear that I am NOT a medical professional, and the behaviour I was dealing with required the skills of a medical professional - there was NOTHING I could have done. Helpful, but still, I felt helpless. Within two weeks of the "break", she wanted to talk and told me that we needed to break up altogether. She really never gave much of a reason - there was a bit of venom at one point when she said "well, my counsellor said that maybe I just wasn't that into you" but it was half hearted and seemed a way to inflict a bit of hurt), but anyone who saw us - saw HER around me - knew that wasn't the case and something else was going on. I was not angry and was very in control (had just had a session with my doctor that evening), but I called her on all of the ways she was pushing me away for so long, and her unwillingness to talk to me about things (telling me that receiving a good morning email from me EVERYDAY (the emphasis was hers) was "smothering" is not TALKING about the problem!!), how she "rationalized me away", and shut me out, how I couldn't understand why she had NO INTEREST is saving something that we BOTH knew was special. I told her that all the talk of her fears and what was going on inside, her, all the assurances that it was not US but that it was these fears and having difficulty "re-discovering her identity" after her marriage ended, did she not think that throwing US away was premature? I told her she needed to work on understanding what was going on in her head, that things didn't make any sense, and she couldn't even argue with that. She crumpled in a heap when I took my things (overnight stuff), and looked like she had been shot when I took her keys off my ring. She was shocked that I had a potential problem with being her "friend" - hey, I invested 1.5 years in a relationship only to be stuck on a shelf. I didn't SAY that, but that's what I was thinking. Boom. From there, I decided for my own sake I needed to go NC until I could sort myself out. Mutual friends had already booked an event for us both to attend, and I couldn't get out. It would have been about 12 days after our break-up. We were civil, and even had fun. She was still clearly curious about a friendship, and I said "we'll see". I went NC for another couple of weeks. She went to her family's place over the holidays, and the following week emailed me to see how I was doing. It seemed an olive branch, so I took it and suggested we meet for a coffee - she started kind of going squirrelly about what we were going to talk about etc. I knew that I needed to tell her when we met that I loved her too much and was hurting too much to be friends, and to find out where she stood with things. The conversation happened, she quietly dug her heels in that in breaking up with me she made the right decision, and I quietly wished her well, hoped that she found someone who could give her the support she needed (because she needed more than she thought), and that she was able to find happiness in spite of whatever cloud was over her. She left quickly after fighting back tears and rubbing my back. By the time I got to my car, all I could do to make sure she was OK was to do a quick drive by. She clearly was very upset and walking very tense. I immediately unfriended her on Facebook, and again for my own protection, went NC. We're coming up to three weeks of post last convo NC. We physically see each other almost every day as we work in close proximity. There is all kinds of tension - she will stop and avoid me if she sees me on the street from a distance. If she is walking past when I am out, I notice that after she is going by, she primps her hair a little in case I am watching her from behind (sadly, once in awhile I do). I have been told she is not looking for a relationship with anyone else right now, and just seems to be "loning it" at the moment, apparently living a social life through twitter and through her work (I cheat once in awhile, but I see a lot of retweets). Everything just wreaks of unfinished business on all sides, and it makes it that much harder to move on. I have done NO begging, and have been strong. Sometimes I feel TOO strong, as either she would think there is no point in talking to me if she DOES come around, or alternately, because she can be a little stubborn, that she might be thriving on our present situation as some sort of all or nothing control game. Her family is coming from a long distance to see an event I am involved in in a couple of weeks, and we will be forced together again shortly amongst a social group we were both part of, which includes her ex husband. It's one of those situations where I KNOW there are feelings underneath this, but I can't reach her, and I don't think any of our friends (or even HER friends) can reach her. I'm clueless as to whether to stick to my guns until her parents have come and gone, or try and send a simple "hope you're doing OK" and leave it at that in case she wants to get in touch. But I know I can't be her "friend" or "backup plan" especially if she is dating, but I don't know that I can push anything about a relationship either and have no idea how to even get back to a relationship after such a difficult period apart. I can't help but feel like I've been treated like a "puppy" - I would get taken out when it was time to play, or she needed a cuddle or some affection, given a rub behind the ears, and then locked away in a room until the next time. Now, it feels like this friends things is a way to ENTRENCH that same relationship, and why I feel like I need to dig my heels in but as I do, and dig in with NC, I think that it sparks the stubborn and competitive side of her that just won't back down no matter what, and might be making the situation worse. UGH. Thanks for reading this far. I just wanted to share my story in case it helps others, and was just curious if anyone has any advice as to how best cope with being on THIS side of this kind of situation that they think might help.
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