waterwoman Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 "A hard headed woman I'm looking for a hard headed woman One who will take me for myself And if I find my hard headed woman I won't need nobody else, no, no, no I'm looking for a hard headed woman, headed woman One who will make me do my best And if I find my hard headed woman I know the rest of my life will be blessed, yes, yes, yes!" That was me. H and I used to joke that I was his hard-headed woman, no nonsense, get on with it, up and at 'em woman. I encouraged him to get back on his feet after he was made redundant, and got to uni to train as a teacher, I worked to support him for 3 years, I was the one who dealt with his grief and dysfunction after his dad died, I have taken on more and more of the burdens of the household and the children. I earned more, worked more and took more responsibility. Guess what? He fell in love with a little blonde DID who giggled at him and told he was God's gift. Who knew? I should have spent all those years being hopeless and learning to simper 6
Decorative Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 No. Simpering does not make a good partner. Endless praise in the affair paradigm might feel amazing- but grownups want a life partner who can carry her own weight. And better yet/ one who is with them because they choose to be, not because they need them or they cannot stand on their own. I'm a hardheaded woman. So are you. That is nothing but a good thing. 5
Author waterwoman Posted April 23, 2013 Author Posted April 23, 2013 I'm a hardheaded woman. So are you. That is nothing but a good thing. Yep! I can do anything and that's the truth that's been proved again and again. Which makes him a bit of a prat, no? Ha! I am beginning to get my mojo back I think 1
Summer Breeze Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 And look at that! There you are with that same man after all this time. Hard headed woman 1, world 0! He loves YOU WW, hard head and soft soul. He loves YOU! 3
Author waterwoman Posted April 23, 2013 Author Posted April 23, 2013 BTW it's Cat Stevens. In case you are all too youthful to know
Spark1111 Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Yep! I can do anything and that's the truth that's been proved again and again. Which makes him a bit of a prat, no? Ha! I am beginning to get my mojo back I think Yes you are getting that Mojo back! Good for you! Love that song. Lived your role too. Today, I'm still a hard-headed woman who struts in high heels, wears lipstick and can have a really hard time opening that pickl jar, KWIM? Hey, it's working for me. :laugh: 2
ladydesigner Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 waterwoman it sounds like we married the same man. I did the same exact thing, support him through school, job losses (many unfortunately), loss of his father. I was the breadwinner until he began his lucrative business in which he met his MOW (his employee). I like you am a hard headed woman. My WH loved that about me or so I thought I always took control when things were out of control. I too was taking on more and more responsibility. Like your WH, mine fell in love with his cute 14 year younger girlfriend with no morals, a husband who abused her, and a daughter with another father. I never realized I was going to be traded in for a cheaper and simpler model either We are strong women is what we are, overcoming infidelity.
Snowflower Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Honestly, I think this is a common dynamic in marriages where there is infidelity. One partner (and it can be the husband or the wife) is the dependable spouse. They are the good provider, even if it is rough-going. They will work 3 jobs to support the family. As steady as they come. Everyone can depend on them no matter what. They are loyal, faithful and hard-working. They never complain. Then there is the other spouse. They do work and help support the family but there is always some crisis with them. A job loss (or two, or three) or they keep wanting to change careers. Or they want to move around the country in search of the next adventure or job, dragging their family with them. Or they have health issues, or something...maybe another poster can contribute some ideas. Guess which spouse eventually cheats? I used to think this wasn't my experience with infidelity, but I have later realized that it was. 5
Snowflower Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Men love admiration; of this there is no doubt imo. However, most of them want to be admired for something real and eventually choose women that hold them to a standard of being the best that they can be. One can only hope!^^^
tbf Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 So ladies, what's your takeaway from being too much of the strength or providing too many free services in your marriages?
Snowflower Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 So ladies, what's your takeaway from being too much of the strength or providing too many free services in your marriages? Really? You're going to go there? Because to hear many WS say it, the BS aren't doing enough and/or the right things in the marriage. I know my H had that complaint.
tbf Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Really? You're going to go there? Because to hear many WS say it, the BS aren't doing enough and/or the right things in the marriage. I know my H had that complaint.If you consider this from a parent/child perspective, how often do teenagers complain about their parents? Btw, ex-BW here so you know I mean you no harm.
ladydesigner Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 So ladies, what's your takeaway from being too much of the strength or providing too many free services in your marriages? My takeaway on it now, hell to the naw . We are both the strength and providers in our M otherwise my WH would see himself out the door! That was a requirement of mine for R . 2
Author waterwoman Posted April 23, 2013 Author Posted April 23, 2013 So ladies, what's your takeaway from being too much of the strength or providing too many free services in your marriages? Wellll...... I could tell him to sling his hook right now and find a billet elsewhere (and then watch from a distance as he falls apart) but I don't want to, or I could just start demanding he does them - ooh hang on I spent years and years doing that and it didn't help! So no.... I am just going to stop doing so much (providing my kids don't suffer) It's him that has the pick up the takeaway and if he doesn't he's gone. Quick point - I don't regard doing anything as providing free services. Marriage is meant to be a double act - it's not those that do too much that are in the wrong, it's those who do too little. 4
tbf Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 My takeaway on it now, hell to the naw . We are both the strength and providers in our M otherwise my WH would see himself out the door! That was a requirement of mine for R .Good. As it should be. Traditional society teaches women to meet everyone else's needs before even considering our needs, at least within the family unit. Modern society teaches women to be strong and income earners. When you try to mesh these two cultures, what happens? Women become overstressed with trying to be perfect for everyone else, being high caliber income earners, perfect wives/lovers and mothers. So where does it end? Instead of trying to be perfect for everyone, how about we accept ourselves for not only our strengths but also our limitations, not needing to be perfect in every way? In doing so and forgiving ourselves, we may find that we forgive others for their imperfections, allowing them room to grow up by entrusting them with responsibilities and if they continue failing their serious responsibilities (not the trivial stuff like must dust on Thursdays or jump to the pump if the grass is a touch long), then perhaps they're not the partners we need. Yes, we have needs too and it's okay to have them. 2
Spark1111 Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Yes...there is a school of thought that the over-benefitted spouse winds up having the affair. I think my H admired my strength and resolve intitially and I did take over the running of this household so he could chase his dream. Sometimes that worked, and sometimes that did not, and yes, he was often in crisis. Intstead of leaning waaay back, I started doing more, too much really, because I just wanted him to find his center and be happy....just be happy dammit! In time, what he had so admired about me, he obviously began to resent too, and I felt like I had walked into some unresolved childhood dynamic between he and his often disapproving mother. I mean his projections onto me often did not make any sense. So, I was betrayed by him and a very intelligent, but very dramatic damsel in distress who went out of her way to tell him how wonderful he was, and how unappreciative I must be. So instead of solving his own internal issues, he found solace with a stranger who was as equally as damaged as he was at that time and not only did it crush me, it almost destroyed him and us. Today, I work a full-time job, visit my mom often, buy a few groceries here and there and have let go a great portion of all those chores, obligations, responsibilities I used to bear for everyone. I don't nag. I just don't do unless asked politely. Period. And not only am I happier than I have ever been, he does more, much more than he ever has in the past. 4
Spark1111 Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 PS: WW, LOVE Cat STevens! Thanks for sharing that.
tbf Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Wellll...... I could tell him to sling his hook right now and find a billet elsewhere (and then watch from a distance as he falls apart) but I don't want to, or I could just start demanding he does them - ooh hang on I spent years and years doing that and it didn't help! So no.... I am just going to stop doing so much (providing my kids don't suffer) It's him that has the pick up the takeaway and if he doesn't he's gone.Good stuff. Quick point - I don't regard doing anything as providing free services. Marriage is meant to be a double act - it's not those that do too much that are in the wrong, it's those who do too little.While I agree with you to some extent, the question to ask is what are necessities and what aren't? You may find that each person will have their own corral of necessities, so in effect, the size and content of the corral will be highly subjective. This is where honest communication matters greatly, to clearly define what are necessities and to AGREE on what are necessities. You need honest buy-in or partners can accumulate resentment over tasks that they feel are trivial.
todreaminblue Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 I would rather have a hard head than a hard heart........i have a hard head ....and try not to let my soft heart out there to be squished......you are a strong and loving partner.....your beauty is in....all that you are and all that you do...you deserve better than to have someone that dumps you after years of your support, you deserve someone who has a hard head and a soft heart too ...not a guy who points the way to go with his penis and uses it to think...penises are not that intelligent.......you need someone who would stand by you through all the rough spots....just as easily as he stands beside you through the good times..now you have a chance to fidn that ....guy and hoepfully that ...guy....uses his penis in the right way..........hugs to ya....from deb
BetrayedH Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 I don't know about hard-headed women but I sure am attracted to the smart ones. Nothing is sexier than an intelligent woman. Ex-wife was damn smart, perhaps even smarter than me (although I'll take points for wisdom). Current GF is damn smart, too. But I swear to God that if this one doesn't work out, the next one is going to he as dumb as a box of rocks. 5
Snowflower Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 If you consider this from a parent/child perspective, how often do teenagers complain about their parents? Btw, ex-BW here so you know I mean you no harm. Okay, I get where you're coming from. Yes, when my H was in his affair, he would try to act like a rebellious 16 year old. In my better moments, I would actually find it funny at the time since I had already raised one teenager and was still dealing with the other one I had at home-a legitimate 16 year old. I just ignored him, as I do with my teenager. I would rather have a hard head than a hard heart........i have a hard head ....and try not to let my soft heart out there to be squished......you are a strong and loving partner.....your beauty is in....all that you are and all that you do...you deserve better than to have someone that dumps you after years of your support, you deserve someone who has a hard head and a soft heart too ...not a guy who points the way to go with his penis and uses it to think...penises are not that intelligent.......you need someone who would stand by you through all the rough spots....just as easily as he stands beside you through the good times..now you have a chance to fidn that ....guy and hoepfully that ...guy....uses his penis in the right way..........hugs to ya....from deb todreaminblue, I love, love, love your avatar. Just wanted to say that!
Spark1111 Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Men love admiration; of this there is no doubt imo. However, most of them want to be admired for something real and eventually choose women that hold them to a standard of being the best that they can be. Interesting you say this, Blondie. My H not only killed himself to regain me, my trust, our marriage and himself; he also became a driven man on that job. Initially he did so, because he was afraid he'd lose me if he had ONE MORE crisis and in retrospect he may have been right. I also looked at the cell phone bills after DDay and said: " what was this?! An addiction?! I've been in love before YOU, and I NEVER needed to speak this often....Jeez...how did you get any work done? You are going to lose this job!" he has climbed and climbed and climbed and he always credits me for standing by his side through thick and thin and giving him the support always to do so. Trust me, with three babies, it wasn't easy. I also asked him if he thought his OW would have been so smitten if she had lived with the jobless, legally drug addicted, bad back man who sat on the couch for five years, instead of the newly rising star inthe company she had squire her around by limo to sunset dinners? Who knows? I mean my OW asked if he still intended to send she and her child on that expensive vacation AFTER DDay. Doubtful,don't you think? Sorry for the t/j....just needed to vent that off my chest. Thanks.
2sure Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 So, he has been made redundant yet again. Just in a different way. No worries, it's his theme not yours.
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