whichwayisup Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 And I don't want to be unfair to my GF because we have a great relationship except for my hang up with MW, Ive thought about the FB delete but I feel like it would cause more issues with MW being pissed or feeling like the new GF made me do it. I would like the MW to think I'm cool and collected about this and that's how Ive been playing it. I do have her blocked from my news feed and all that though. Who cares what the exMW thinks? She isn't a priority anymore. Or shouldn't be. You're not getting it yet. You have no control over what she thinks! Also, you may have blocked her so you dont' see her newsfeed, she does still sees yours. I think by not deleting her is your way of still hanging on and it IS preventing you from totally moving forward with your gf. IT IS A BIG ISSUE. Does your gf know about exMW? Good input, I do enjoy the new GF and I want the relationship but I also wanted that with MW more then just a hook up. I wish I knew this all was going to be the outcome b/c I would have never started the affair with MW! But I don't regret it in many ways because those 4 months were some of the best of my life! I just wish I had them and her back! Since you feel this way, be honest with yourself deep inside. Your gf has no chance with you. You're so far from over the eMW. Enjoying your new gf is one thing, but if she (gf) is falling for you, what you're doing is unfair to her because you're not in love with her.
whichwayisup Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 - I have felt happier since we have been in contact again. I had found 99% peace prior, but now it feels as if the final puzzle piece has clicked into place and things are better again. I have 100% peace now. As does he, apparently. However, I am very much aware that HE cannot be my happiness, or a main source of my happiness. Stevie, luv ya! But you're in denial. In time you'll see this, but unfortunately you're gonna have to go through a bit more pain (you WILL get emotionally reattached to him as time goes on) before you realize that any contact just feeds feelings and keeps him in your heart, preventing you from letting go and focusing on your gf and him on his wife. 2
stevie_23 Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 (edited) Stevie- this sounds like you have really thought it out. I think you two can do this because you both are in committed relationships outside your friendship so no one wants/needs more and both of you know that you are not leaving your current partners. It also helps that its online. I hope you do well...you are lucky you get to keep him in your life. Can I ask what he said about how he felt that whole time? Did you find you actually recovered faster than he did...you were at 99%? If its too personal to share I understand. I'm just curious. Thank you!! Yes, we have thought it out. And I have thought it out on my own too. I don't want anyone here to think that by me thinking all of the stuff I posted that I am still over-thinking issues relating to him and our relationship, because I'm actually not. I just wanted people here to know I HAD thought about it strongly and deeply, and had come to those conclusions on how to maintain this as an actual FRIENDSHIP. I don't over-think stuff anymore and I don't dwell. I'm settled and stable. And yes, being online does make it much easier I think. And the fact we were friends before we got together. For a year or so. And even before we got together but were in the process of getting closer, in between friends and being together, we spoke the same as we always did. The same tone, same topics...we were the same people. And we're still those people now. So it's really not difficult in the slightest. He has told me he hopes that one day, if I do ever decide to leave my relationship with my partner, that I can find a man with whom I can share what we had, but in person. He wants that for me. I find that very nice. And I actually think that could happen now, even with him in my life. He won't hold me back at all in that regard. Do I think I moved on or healed quicker or more fully compared to him, in the 4 months of silence? I don't think so. We seem to have healed at the same rate. He told me he had achieved a sense of peace and acceptance in his life about us, me and his own self. And I was much the same. He agreed it felt like our being in contact again was like the last piece of the puzzle clicking into place in terms of that 100% peace. He told me during that 4 months he went a bit numb. Just lived his everyday life, going to work, coming home, going to bed, then doing it all over again, on auto pilot. He said he pushed himself to accept his life there, with his partner, and to accept we would never be together. He tried to be happy, and did find some peace, but he's happier now. Oh, and nothing is too personal for me. lol. Never hesitate to ask me any questions, no matter how personal. I'm always wanting to delve into my feelings and thoughts to learn more about myself and gain further insights. Edited April 28, 2013 by stevie_23
WayneJay Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 For me and my girlfriend we did remain friends for the past couple of years. She broke up with me because she didn't want to be in the relationship with me anymore because I still had a wife. But we had a really great connection. I begged her to continue to be friends even though I knew that it would be hard to do with all of the attraction we have always had for each other. She said no then but later after some time had passed did finally begin to talk to me again. We haven't been intimate physically for over 2 years now but are in contact and still very close emotionally. I have been divorced for over a year now and am feeling like I might be ready to put all of that behind me for good and move forward. I am hoping that I can do this with my ex girlfriend because I always loved her even when I was married to someone else. So yeah I think you can be friends but if there was an attraction that doesn't go away at least it didn't for us. It's still there as strong as ever we just don't do anything about it for now. I have asked her on a date and am hoping that she will agree to go and see if we can't finally make a go of this thing together.
movingon45 Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 For me and my girlfriend we did remain friends for the past couple of years. She broke up with me because she didn't want to be in the relationship with me anymore because I still had a wife. But we had a really great connection. I begged her to continue to be friends even though I knew that it would be hard to do with all of the attraction we have always had for each other. She said no then but later after some time had passed did finally begin to talk to me again. We haven't been intimate physically for over 2 years now but are in contact and still very close emotionally. I have been divorced for over a year now and am feeling like I might be ready to put all of that behind me for good and move forward. I am hoping that I can do this with my ex girlfriend because I always loved her even when I was married to someone else. So yeah I think you can be friends but if there was an attraction that doesn't go away at least it didn't for us. It's still there as strong as ever we just don't do anything about it for now. I have asked her on a date and am hoping that she will agree to go and see if we can't finally make a go of this thing together. So, she is single? I hope it works out!
Author zoomzoom Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 Who cares what the exMW thinks? She isn't a priority anymore. Or shouldn't be. You're not getting it yet. You have no control over what she thinks! Also, you may have blocked her so you dont' see her newsfeed, she does still sees yours. I think by not deleting her is your way of still hanging on and it IS preventing you from totally moving forward with your gf. IT IS A BIG ISSUE. Does your gf know about exMW? Since you feel this way, be honest with yourself deep inside. Your gf has no chance with you. You're so far from over the eMW. Enjoying your new gf is one thing, but if she (gf) is falling for you, what you're doing is unfair to her because you're not in love with her. I think it is for me because that's how we still talk via facebook, my GF now knows that her and I are friends but she does not know the background and our history. I've been getting better with my GF and my feelings because she is / has fell for me and I'm trying to catch up to it. Just last night we went out and my EX MW was in the same complex at another bar and kept messaging me and then a phone call late late late at night while my GF and I were sleeping Its like she knows but Ive been doing great with not catering to her every need and call like I used to do.
WayneJay Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Good luck to you WayneJay, hope it works out for you. Thank you and me too! I have waited a long time to be with her free and clear. I should have divorced my ex wife years ago but I was so afraid of how my son would react. He is doing great and we actually get to spend more quality time together now then we did before. My girlfriend actually called me today to say hello and we talked for a while. It was so good to hear her voice and she agreed to go on a date with me. From here on out it should be smooth sailing. I know that all relationships have their difficulties but she and I just have a connection that I think will carry us for the long haul.
WayneJay Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 So, she is single? I hope it works out! She is single now but she is a catch and I know she won't be single forever. She has always had a ton of guys who want to date her so I definitely have some competition. I am just hoping that she loves me as much as I love her even though I put her through some crap by being married while I dated her. that was hard for her and I know she got hurt during it. I will make it up to her if I get the chance. We are going on a date next weekend and I'm pretty excited.
jezebella Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 This forum has been so helpful. My AP just had his DD with his wife two weeks ago, and the NC has been brutal. I am also married, but my husband does not know anything at this time. I constantly think I want to re-establish our friendship, but I am also wise enough to know that even before the A, I was attracted to him. The "friendship" we had before the A was likely artificial. Do we have a ton in common? Yes. More than I do with my H? Yes. We are in the same industry. We shared a number of gigantic life events together (deaths of our parents, struggles at work). But there was always something more. I wonder if wishing for a platonic connection is just the fog. I miss him like hell.
Feb Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 This forum has been so helpful. My AP just had his DD with his wife two weeks ago, and the NC has been brutal. I am also married, but my husband does not know anything at this time. I constantly think I want to re-establish our friendship, but I am also wise enough to know that even before the A, I was attracted to him. The "friendship" we had before the A was likely artificial. Do we have a ton in common? Yes. More than I do with my H? Yes. We are in the same industry. We shared a number of gigantic life events together (deaths of our parents, struggles at work). But there was always something more. I wonder if wishing for a platonic connection is just the fog. I miss him like hell. It's very insightful that you understand your attraction. And really, reading your answer you know what the right answer is already -- you just want a kick in the a$$ from your LS friends :-) Let me give it to you, LOL! You are definitely in the fog. Let's give it another month to let the fog clear and see if you still feel that way. I know that you miss him, and I know it hurts. My xAP needed a break to focus in on home issues (no DDay). He was a co-worker and also wanted to be friends. I was just fine with that. Before our EA and PA we also had a lot in common and actually received compliments on how well we worked together as a team. We had similar management styles, and our differences really complimented one another. So naturally I thought friendship was possible. I was friendly, but refrained from anything physical. Well that lasted all of two weeks. He initiated it, although he was the one who dumped me. It started with the long looks and stares, then the flirtatious comments. Then the comments of our past sexual experiences together, then bam, we were physical again. Looking back on it now, the very things that made us 'just friends' (common interests, opening up to each other, humor, venting, understanding) were the same things that drew us into EA and PA. Now you layer a physical attraction and daydreaming of your past sexual history and you're playing with fire. Let's think about a few other things about a future friendship. Do you think APs wife would appreciate him breaking NC and being friends with you? Does contact with you help his marriage? We know the answer to that. The fact he is lying to her again about talking to you is going to make him feel guilty and he may initiate NC again. This time will hurt more than the first. What about your H? Yes, he doesn't know, but those 'just friends' emails and texts quickly start crossing the line again. Would you be comfortable if your H saw those emails? If you are constantly talking to someone you admit you are attracted to, how much real attention are you giving to your marriage and H? No judgement here, but please understand that in most cases the attempt at friendship just drags out the ending and makes it more painful. Yes, some people have successfully achieved it, but that's the exception. I've come to learn from LS, that I am not the exception and if people say, "This is what happens most of the time..." I've come to trust it. 1
jezebella Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Even though my husband never found out, he gets a certain look on his face when I mention my AP's name. He is already jealous to some degree of our "friendship". My H is very supportive of me. He trusts me implicitly. When I was in the A and texting inappropriate things to my AP, I'd play it off to my H as friendship texts. When my AP's W found us out, I fainted for the only time in my entire life, and it was over fear of my H realizing how deceitful I'd been. It remains motivating to maintain the NC. Thankfully my AP and I are both relocating to different cities. I don't know how people do this who remain in proximity to their AP. But I "like" to think that in a year... or more... we could be friends. I know his wife will never be OK with that so it would remain "cheating" on his end if he did.
NPP10 Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I think you are able to be friends, if the line is drawn as just friends. My xMM and I had NC for maybe 5 or 6 months before he contacted me again. He said he just wanted to "be friends." I told him that is all I will offer to him, but I do not see that is possible as he once told me "males and females cannot be just friends". With that mindset, I just keep my guards up with him. I don't contact him to chit chat, make any first moves and keep it kind of cold. We aren't FB friends or any other association of that nature.
underwater2010 Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Even though my husband never found out, he gets a certain look on his face when I mention my AP's name. He is already jealous to some degree of our "friendship". My H is very supportive of me. He trusts me implicitly. When I was in the A and texting inappropriate things to my AP, I'd play it off to my H as friendship texts. When my AP's W found us out, I fainted for the only time in my entire life, and it was over fear of my H realizing how deceitful I'd been. It remains motivating to maintain the NC. Thankfully my AP and I are both relocating to different cities. I don't know how people do this who remain in proximity to their AP. But I "like" to think that in a year... or more... we could be friends. I know his wife will never be OK with that so it would remain "cheating" on his end if he did. Here is way to keep you from developing that "friendship" again. Realize that if he were to be busted by his BW by contacting you again, there is a great chance she would expose you to your husband. Think of it as being your one and only free pass given by the BW. FYI...I told the MOW's betrayed husband without a second thought the one and only time they were caught. It is rare that the BS does not contact the APs spouse/partner. You are one of the few lucky ones.
jezebella Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Here is way to keep you from developing that "friendship" again. Realize that if he were to be busted by his BW by contacting you again, there is a great chance she would expose you to your husband. Think of it as being your one and only free pass given by the BW. FYI...I told the MOW's betrayed husband without a second thought the one and only time they were caught. It is rare that the BS does not contact the APs spouse/partner. You are one of the few lucky ones. I know what good advice that is, and I am amazed at the risks I took. My AP actually got "caught" four times, but was able to persuade his W that it was nothing until the last time when she saw a couple month's worth of chats (he wasn't very careful). I know that on round 3, she was determined to tell my H; and round 4 was armageddon. I have no idea how I got by without her telling, except for she's a better person than all of us. She is a class act, that one - I mean that sincerely. I am also moving, so there may be some feeling on her end that I'm finally getting totally out of the picture. I do have to keep this in mind - that I don't have any passes left...
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