zoomzoom Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 So this is my second time needing help with a relationship issue on LS, first was a tough LT breakup over a year ago... Now this, So the short of it all back last October I started an affair with a married women and I was single. Things went strong until February when she called it off. Her husband never found out about what happened. It truly was one of the best relationships I've ever had, we got along so great and had a blast together and it was the best sex both of us had ever had. She did give me some false promises that she was going to leave him and we would be together but in the end the kids and house and money made her decision to stay with him. She did not want to stay but she said it was not fair to me and it would be tough to make it work because of the other circumstances. During the month or two I viewed it as a hook up relationship / friends but the feelings grew strong on both ends after a while. After she called it off I started dating someone new and it really made her angry but she said she wanted to be friends still. Doing what was best for both of us we didn't talk for close to two months and then last week we went and had dinner and drinks as friends. I realized how much I still care about her and how I still urn for the physical relationship we had. I told her how I still felt and she said she missed me and did mean everything she said before when we were "together" she knows I'm dating someone new and she even said she wasn't jellous anymore about her and that we could all hang out??? I said their is NO way that will happen. So the short of it all is she wants to hang out and be friends and have a good time like we used to but with no hopes of getting back with each other. I think the chances of sleeping together are still their because we both are so sexually compatible. I just wonder what she is thinking? I do want to be friends and hang out like we used to but I also want the sex no strings attached is fine, I just feel like I need her in my life. What to do??? The girl I'm dating now is a great person and we mesh well but I just don't have that some attraction to her as I do my married friend. Anyone else been in this boat?
TheOW Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 She's using you her ego has had a kickin by you dating someone else, if you end your current relationship MW will drop you again. She doesn't want you and she doesn't want anyone else to have you either. Trust me I've done it before myself 4
Author zoomzoom Posted April 23, 2013 Author Posted April 23, 2013 Wow! That's hard to figure lol but I suppose it makes sense, I want to keep the one I have now but still keep the mw as a friend but its hard to keep it all straight in my head because of the sexual tension.
Poppy fields Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 I am Facebook friends with the guy I had an affair with. lol I think I would even be comfortable being casual friends with him if we were in the same area. We are both in different, committed relationships now, and there is no longer any romantic interest on either of our parts.
movingon45 Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Friends with benefits. I don't think I can handle that. I'm on the same page as you are. I think that we're both selfish. Trying to be friends but yes, the sexual tension. Even just a text sends that desire. 3
whichwayisup Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Wow! That's hard to figure lol but I suppose it makes sense, I want to keep the one I have now but still keep the mw as a friend but its hard to keep it all straight in my head because of the sexual tension. And this is why no friendship can work. It's unfair to your current girlfriend and also keeps you 'into' the exMW. You and exMW cannot be friends. Don't even bother trying. You'll end up back in bed and hurting your girlfriend who doesn't deserve to be cheated upon. 2
underwater2010 Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 Wow! That's hard to figure lol but I suppose it makes sense, I want to keep the one I have now but still keep the mw as a friend but its hard to keep it all straight in my head because of the sexual tension. Then you have your answer. You can never be just friends with this woman if both your heads keep thinking about the sex. You crossed over a river and burned that bridge right behind you. Sorry
stevie_23 Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 After 4 months of total NC, my ex-MM and I are now friends, and I'm happy about it, and so is he. We still feel the same we always did. The only difference now is we're not acting on it. We're not trying to be together all the time anymore. I email him the same, or less, amount of time as I email my other online friends. I'm not justifying this as a "good" thing, however. It's not, just in terms of our respective partners. We are not in an A anymore, but we are still in contact and thus, must continue to keep that contact from our partners. Neither of us intend to escalate back to what we were before though. For some, this would be an impossible temptation. For us, it's not difficult. It's better to have each other in our lives like this, than not at all. And not because of any degree of "need" or residual romantic love. Simply because we were valued and meant a lot to each other as people, regardless of the type of relationship we were in. So we continue to place value on each other as people and thus appreciate being in contact. I bet everyone here is just waiting for me to come out and say, eventually, that we're either back on, or I'm broken hearted again. I say right now - neither of those things will happen. Not that anyone believes me. lol 3
stevie_23 Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 Thank you. I will certainly do that. What I am keeping firmly in mind in order to have a happy friendship with him is... - No escalation into anything we used to do. This means NO chatting, NO texting, NO videos. We have already agreed on this. He can't do those things anyway anymore so it's all good. In terms of my own "rules", I refuse to make an actual effort to be online when I know he will be. I'm not avoiding him in any way, but I just don't NEED to have any sort of "live / real time" interaction with him in that way now. It will do me no favours and would leave me more vulnerable to higher expectations and escalating things in my head. Hoping he'll reply right away, and if he doesn't, disappointment would follow. That sort of thing. I'm not doing that anymore. - I have felt happier since we have been in contact again. I had found 99% peace prior, but now it feels as if the final puzzle piece has clicked into place and things are better again. I have 100% peace now. As does he, apparently. However, I am very much aware that HE cannot be my happiness, or a main source of my happiness. I tried to make him my whole world previously and this is just impossible now and I know it. I did not know before. I am still taking my anti-depressants even though I no longer feel the need for them. HE cannot be my "anti-depressant". He is not reliable enough and should he disappear again for whatever reason, I cannot be crushed like last time. I know I will not be. Also, it is not fair to either of us if I place a great deal of importance on him in terms of my own happiness. That is all up to me. Nothing to do with him. A good thing is I notice I stopped coming on here as much before he and I were back in contact, so it wasn't just HIM that enabled me not to dwell so much in that whole past situation. I had already stopped doing it myself beforehand. - I now KNOW beyond any doubt that he loved me truly when we were together, and still does. And should he vanish from my life again, yes, I will be disappointed and sad. Ideally, I do want him in my life. I enjoy talking to him. And I know that we will never be together, and I still enjoy talking to him simply because I love him as a person and I love his personality. So if we do lose contact again, I will be sad, but I will know how he feels and so I will be ok. Last time, I didn't know. I THOUGHT I knew, but I of course didn't FULLY know. That was the source of most of my unhappiness and upset. It would be different in the future. - I acknowledge I was addicted to him and to our routine. Even if HE wanted to chat again (which he can't), I don't want to and have told him this. We have always been very open with each other and continue to do so. We both want the same thing, so that's good. Should that change on his part, and he wanted to try somehow to work out some sort of arrangement to escalate back to what we once had? I will not do it. For I know it would just end in pain again, and I also know it would be pointless. We cannot be together. End of story. But friendship is good.
thefooloftheyear Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 Thank you. I will certainly do that. What I am keeping firmly in mind in order to have a happy friendship with him is... - No escalation into anything we used to do. This means NO chatting, NO texting, NO videos. We have already agreed on this. He can't do those things anyway anymore so it's all good. In terms of my own "rules", I refuse to make an actual effort to be online when I know he will be. I'm not avoiding him in any way, but I just don't NEED to have any sort of "live / real time" interaction with him in that way now. It will do me no favours and would leave me more vulnerable to higher expectations and escalating things in my head. Hoping he'll reply right away, and if he doesn't, disappointment would follow. That sort of thing. I'm not doing that anymore. - I have felt happier since we have been in contact again. I had found 99% peace prior, but now it feels as if the final puzzle piece has clicked into place and things are better again. I have 100% peace now. As does he, apparently. However, I am very much aware that HE cannot be my happiness, or a main source of my happiness. I tried to make him my whole world previously and this is just impossible now and I know it. I did not know before. I am still taking my anti-depressants even though I no longer feel the need for them. HE cannot be my "anti-depressant". He is not reliable enough and should he disappear again for whatever reason, I cannot be crushed like last time. I know I will not be. Also, it is not fair to either of us if I place a great deal of importance on him in terms of my own happiness. That is all up to me. Nothing to do with him. A good thing is I notice I stopped coming on here as much before he and I were back in contact, so it wasn't just HIM that enabled me not to dwell so much in that whole past situation. I had already stopped doing it myself beforehand. - I now KNOW beyond any doubt that he loved me truly when we were together, and still does. And should he vanish from my life again, yes, I will be disappointed and sad. Ideally, I do want him in my life. I enjoy talking to him. And I know that we will never be together, and I still enjoy talking to him simply because I love him as a person and I love his personality. So if we do lose contact again, I will be sad, but I will know how he feels and so I will be ok. Last time, I didn't know. I THOUGHT I knew, but I of course didn't FULLY know. That was the source of most of my unhappiness and upset. It would be different in the future. - I acknowledge I was addicted to him and to our routine. Even if HE wanted to chat again (which he can't), I don't want to and have told him this. We have always been very open with each other and continue to do so. We both want the same thing, so that's good. Should that change on his part, and he wanted to try somehow to work out some sort of arrangement to escalate back to what we once had? I will not do it. For I know it would just end in pain again, and I also know it would be pointless. We cannot be together. End of story. But friendship is good. Hats off to the both of you if you can maintain this level of contact and keep it in the context that you both want, thats terrific... As much as Id like to say that I can in my situation, knowing myself there is no way that would ever be possible...Wish I could...but.... All the best. TFY 2
Author zoomzoom Posted April 27, 2013 Author Posted April 27, 2013 Thanks for all of the input folks, It is tough I feel like we are "friends" now as we called it when it ended but I feel like its harder for me. I feel like she is OK with everything and still hanging out on occasion is fine with her, my feelings are still not at that level and I feel like the sex could and would start again if we went out drinking and partying like we used to. We don't talk much at all maybe once every two weeks or so on Facebook but the texting and calls all ended when the affair did. I'm still trying to work it all out in my head, my GF now is great in everyway but I just don't have the sexual desire with her because I feel like I'm still hung up on the ex M W.... Oh life 1
Turtles Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 I feel you need to go totally NC with her if you want a chance to be able to romantically connect with someone else.
RickFox Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 Thank you. I will certainly do that. What I am keeping firmly in mind in order to have a happy friendship with him is... - No escalation into anything we used to do. This means NO chatting, NO texting, NO videos. We have already agreed on this. He can't do those things anyway anymore so it's all good. In terms of my own "rules", I refuse to make an actual effort to be online when I know he will be. I'm not avoiding him in any way, but I just don't NEED to have any sort of "live / real time" interaction with him in that way now. It will do me no favours and would leave me more vulnerable to higher expectations and escalating things in my head. Hoping he'll reply right away, and if he doesn't, disappointment would follow. That sort of thing. I'm not doing that anymore. - I have felt happier since we have been in contact again. I had found 99% peace prior, but now it feels as if the final puzzle piece has clicked into place and things are better again. I have 100% peace now. As does he, apparently. However, I am very much aware that HE cannot be my happiness, or a main source of my happiness. I tried to make him my whole world previously and this is just impossible now and I know it. I did not know before. I am still taking my anti-depressants even though I no longer feel the need for them. HE cannot be my "anti-depressant". He is not reliable enough and should he disappear again for whatever reason, I cannot be crushed like last time. I know I will not be. Also, it is not fair to either of us if I place a great deal of importance on him in terms of my own happiness. That is all up to me. Nothing to do with him. A good thing is I notice I stopped coming on here as much before he and I were back in contact, so it wasn't just HIM that enabled me not to dwell so much in that whole past situation. I had already stopped doing it myself beforehand. - I now KNOW beyond any doubt that he loved me truly when we were together, and still does. And should he vanish from my life again, yes, I will be disappointed and sad. Ideally, I do want him in my life. I enjoy talking to him. And I know that we will never be together, and I still enjoy talking to him simply because I love him as a person and I love his personality. So if we do lose contact again, I will be sad, but I will know how he feels and so I will be ok. Last time, I didn't know. I THOUGHT I knew, but I of course didn't FULLY know. That was the source of most of my unhappiness and upset. It would be different in the future. - I acknowledge I was addicted to him and to our routine. Even if HE wanted to chat again (which he can't), I don't want to and have told him this. We have always been very open with each other and continue to do so. We both want the same thing, so that's good. Should that change on his part, and he wanted to try somehow to work out some sort of arrangement to escalate back to what we once had? I will not do it. For I know it would just end in pain again, and I also know it would be pointless. We cannot be together. End of story. But friendship is good. I wish you the best Stevie but as you define it, IMO, this is not a friendship and simply you are still feeding your addiction no matter how you cut and slice it. Addicts are doomed to failure when they hang around the environment in which they feed their addiction, separating one's self completely is the only way to minimize the 'need' and even then relapses are bound to happen. I'm of the opinion that once emotions have been shared, those can never be separated again and a simple friendship cannot be....one or both will want something more eventually. 3
RickFox Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 Thanks for all of the input folks, It is tough I feel like we are "friends" now as we called it when it ended but I feel like its harder for me. I feel like she is OK with everything and still hanging out on occasion is fine with her, my feelings are still not at that level and I feel like the sex could and would start again if we went out drinking and partying like we used to. We don't talk much at all maybe once every two weeks or so on Facebook but the texting and calls all ended when the affair did. I'm still trying to work it all out in my head, my GF now is great in everyway but I just don't have the sexual desire with her because I feel like I'm still hung up on the ex M W.... Oh life And you won't give your GF the rightful chance to make you happy and sexually fulfill you until you realize that this "friendship" is not that at all. You are simply holding onto her, waiting for a crumb to fall in your lap, hoping she will give in and the A will start up again. You cannot work through all this in your head until you cut her out completely and focus on you. I speak about 2 years now Post A and it was well over a year before I started to see that out of sight, out of mind, absolutely NC was the best way for me to focus on my life and my M again. Even seeing my xmw in passing fed the addiction, I'd find that I'd leave the house with my daughter a bit earlier, just to catch a glimpse of her was simply a way for me to hold on.... even that had to stop.... If you give it time, you'll take her off that pedestal you've put her on.... So the short answer to your question is, NO, a true friendship is not viable for two people who were involved in an A. 2
whichwayisup Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 Thanks for all of the input folks, It is tough I feel like we are "friends" now as we called it when it ended but I feel like its harder for me. I feel like she is OK with everything and still hanging out on occasion is fine with her, my feelings are still not at that level and I feel like the sex could and would start again if we went out drinking and partying like we used to. We don't talk much at all maybe once every two weeks or so on Facebook but the texting and calls all ended when the affair did. I'm still trying to work it all out in my head, my GF now is great in everyway but I just don't have the sexual desire with her because I feel like I'm still hung up on the ex M W.... Oh life Again, this is why you can't be friends with your exMW! Your girlfriend is the rebound, big time. Delete your exMW off of facebook, let yourself truly grieve the loss. As long as you still 'talk' to her, your gf doesn't have a chance. It's unfair to your gf, as she is second to you in your heart.
Curlyj Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 I used to think (hope?) you could still be friends with your AP, but I'm starting to realize it's all wishful thinking. I'd like to think that maybe after some time has passed, and you can get over your romantic feelings for your AP, then maybe there is a chance at being friends. But so long as one of you still has any kind of lingering romantic feelings, it's just not going to happen. 1
Praying4Peace Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 Thank you. I will certainly do that. What I am keeping firmly in mind in order to have a happy friendship with him is... - No escalation into anything we used to do. This means NO chatting, NO texting, NO videos. We have already agreed on this. He can't do those things anyway anymore so it's all good. In terms of my own "rules", I refuse to make an actual effort to be online when I know he will be. I'm not avoiding him in any way, but I just don't NEED to have any sort of "live / real time" interaction with him in that way now. It will do me no favours and would leave me more vulnerable to higher expectations and escalating things in my head. Hoping he'll reply right away, and if he doesn't, disappointment would follow. That sort of thing. I'm not doing that anymore. - I have felt happier since we have been in contact again. I had found 99% peace prior, but now it feels as if the final puzzle piece has clicked into place and things are better again. I have 100% peace now. As does he, apparently. However, I am very much aware that HE cannot be my happiness, or a main source of my happiness. I tried to make him my whole world previously and this is just impossible now and I know it. I did not know before. I am still taking my anti-depressants even though I no longer feel the need for them. HE cannot be my "anti-depressant". He is not reliable enough and should he disappear again for whatever reason, I cannot be crushed like last time. I know I will not be. Also, it is not fair to either of us if I place a great deal of importance on him in terms of my own happiness. That is all up to me. Nothing to do with him. A good thing is I notice I stopped coming on here as much before he and I were back in contact, so it wasn't just HIM that enabled me not to dwell so much in that whole past situation. I had already stopped doing it myself beforehand. - I now KNOW beyond any doubt that he loved me truly when we were together, and still does. And should he vanish from my life again, yes, I will be disappointed and sad. Ideally, I do want him in my life. I enjoy talking to him. And I know that we will never be together, and I still enjoy talking to him simply because I love him as a person and I love his personality. So if we do lose contact again, I will be sad, but I will know how he feels and so I will be ok. Last time, I didn't know. I THOUGHT I knew, but I of course didn't FULLY know. That was the source of most of my unhappiness and upset. It would be different in the future. - I acknowledge I was addicted to him and to our routine. Even if HE wanted to chat again (which he can't), I don't want to and have told him this. We have always been very open with each other and continue to do so. We both want the same thing, so that's good. Should that change on his part, and he wanted to try somehow to work out some sort of arrangement to escalate back to what we once had? I will not do it. For I know it would just end in pain again, and I also know it would be pointless. We cannot be together. End of story. But friendship is good. Stevie- this sounds like you have really thought it out. I think you two can do this because you both are in committed relationships outside your friendship so no one wants/needs more and both of you know that you are not leaving your current partners. It also helps that its online. I hope you do well...you are lucky you get to keep him in your life. Can I ask what he said about how he felt that whole time? Did you find you actually recovered faster than he did...you were at 99%? If its too personal to share I understand. I'm just curious.
canuckprincess Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 I've been down this road and it is very difficult. First off is this fair to the new girl your dating? Also do you want to be in a committed long term relationship at this time. I was content being the other woman for close to six years never asking him to leave his wife. Then 18 months ago I decided I wanted more so I started dating a single guy and mm couldn't handle the thought of losing me so he told his wife's in hopes she'd allow a one sided open marriage. Needless to say she didn't take it well and he was told he had to go NC with me. So here I sit right where I was the day before dday, ended things with single guy and waited on promises to come to life...... My advice is to stay text buddies or phone friends but nothing more. As long as she's involved in your life you won't be able to commit to a single woman.
Praying4Peace Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 To answer the original question- No we cannot be friends. Its funny because our friendship is so so strong and natural. Like two peas in a pod. But we cannot be in the same vicinity as each other without things getting physical. It is the most extreme chemistry I've every felt for someone. He agrees. We didn't meet at the end because nothing ever good comes of us being in a room together. And the sex was with a very deep emotional connection, which is the addictive and dangerous kind. It was as if the friendship made the physical part so satisfying. But I miss our long conversations and the sound of his voice. The friend thing doesn't work at all bc your heart can't be in two places at once and now its at home with his W. He craves that emotional connection now and I'm sure he can find it with her. Men are so 'love the one you're with', no? LOL. 1
lynn1954 Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 "Friends after the affair? Is this possible?" No, it's not. 1
ViresSanctity Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 I wish you the best Stevie but as you define it, IMO, this is not a friendship and simply you are still feeding your addiction no matter how you cut and slice it. Addicts are doomed to failure when they hang around the environment in which they feed their addiction, separating one's self completely is the only way to minimize the 'need' and even then relapses are bound to happen. I'm of the opinion that once emotions have been shared, those can never be separated again and a simple friendship cannot be....one or both will want something more eventually. I get what you mean. I've cut down on alcohol and cigarettes a lot in the past, but if I'm around all the time again I'll eventually relapse. Some people though have less addiction problems in their genetics though and can resist temptations pretty well. Even no longer crave for it. 1
Author zoomzoom Posted April 27, 2013 Author Posted April 27, 2013 And you won't give your GF the rightful chance to make you happy and sexually fulfill you until you realize that this "friendship" is not that at all. You are simply holding onto her, waiting for a crumb to fall in your lap, hoping she will give in and the A will start up again. You cannot work through all this in your head until you cut her out completely and focus on you. I speak about 2 years now Post A and it was well over a year before I started to see that out of sight, out of mind, absolutely NC was the best way for me to focus on my life and my M again. Even seeing my xmw in passing fed the addiction, I'd find that I'd leave the house with my daughter a bit earlier, just to catch a glimpse of her was simply a way for me to hold on.... even that had to stop.... If you give it time, you'll take her off that pedestal you've put her on.... So the short answer to your question is, NO, a true friendship is not viable for two people who were involved in an A. Wow. I feel you, I'm in the same boat and your right it is like a crumb its like some kind of odd addiction. I have been trying to do the NC route but its hard! Just an hour ago she msgd me on Facebook telling me where she is going to be tonight, the crappy part is my GF and I are going to the place right next door for a show we have had tickets to for a while. So now I need to avoid her completely tonight. But the odd thing is it seems like she is completely fine with everything and I'm the one lusting over her.. I suppose your right the NC long term is what its going to take. It doesn't help that we live in the same neighborhood so it is VERY hard not to see each other in passing. Again, this is why you can't be friends with your exMW! Your girlfriend is the rebound, big time. Delete your exMW off of facebook, let yourself truly grieve the loss. As long as you still 'talk' to her, your gf doesn't have a chance. It's unfair to your gf, as she is second to you in your heart. And I don't want to be unfair to my GF because we have a great relationship except for my hang up with MW, Ive thought about the FB delete but I feel like it would cause more issues with MW being pissed or feeling like the new GF made me do it. I would like the MW to think I'm cool and collected about this and that's how Ive been playing it. I do have her blocked from my news feed and all that though. I've been down this road and it is very difficult. First off is this fair to the new girl your dating? Also do you want to be in a committed long term relationship at this time. I was content being the other woman for close to six years never asking him to leave his wife. Then 18 months ago I decided I wanted more so I started dating a single guy and mm couldn't handle the thought of losing me so he told his wife's in hopes she'd allow a one sided open marriage. Needless to say she didn't take it well and he was told he had to go NC with me. So here I sit right where I was the day before dday, ended things with single guy and waited on promises to come to life...... My advice is to stay text buddies or phone friends but nothing more. As long as she's involved in your life you won't be able to commit to a single woman. Good input, I do enjoy the new GF and I want the relationship but I also wanted that with MW more then just a hook up. I wish I knew this all was going to be the outcome b/c I would have never started the affair with MW! But I don't regret it in many ways because those 4 months were some of the best of my life! I just wish I had them and her back! 1
thefooloftheyear Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 He craves that emotional connection now and I'm sure he can find it with her. Men are so 'love the one you're with', no? LOL. p4p Dont be so sure about that...As a guy I can tell you that you are not 100% correct about this.. Be well.. TFY 1
ViresSanctity Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 satisfying. But I miss our long conversations and the sound of his voice. The friend thing doesn't work at all bc your heart can't be in two places at once and now its at home with his W. He craves that emotional connection now and I'm sure he can find it with her. Men are so 'love the one you're with', no? LOL. If it's of any comfort you, I can say this is false lol. I don't believe that men and women ARE that different.
movingon45 Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 The girl I'm dating now is a great person and we mesh well but I just don't have that some attraction to her as I do my married friend. Anyone else been in this boat? Yup, same boat. I'm still very attracted with my excollegebf/exmm; more than I am with my husband, that's why we can never be friends. I thought we could after NC and LC, but just a few texts re official matters and he sends sexy photos. What was I thinking?
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