Lostint Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Hi all, It's been four months since I broke up with my ex and during that time I've gone through a roller coaster of emotions. I regretted my decision about a month after the split and told him that I missed him. He knows that I wanted to try again but is saying no. This is a long post, sorry, but I'm confused about my feelings and would appreciate some feedback. We've had a couple of weeks of LC now and it has helped me realise some things. For a start, I've realised that part of me hates him. I have a lot of resentment over what I feel he put me through last year and how he let me down. I had some big issues going on in my life last year and he hust disappeared at times when i needed him. The problem is I never told him how upset I was by his behavior. I just kept it all in and let the resentment build up. I realise now how destructive that was and immature. So basically, the way I feel now is that I don't want to be friends (he does) because I have all this anger towards him. But, I do want to get back with him, and I think it's partly because that's the only way I'll ever resolve these feelings - by getting back together and telling him how I feel and talking it out. And hearing him say sorry. I just can't see how this pans out otherwise. If we just stay friends / work colleagues, I think part of me is always going to hate him. And I don't want that.
Minneloa Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Hi all, It's been four months since I broke up with my ex and during that time I've gone through a roller coaster of emotions. I regretted my decision about a month after the split and told him that I missed him. He knows that I wanted to try again but is saying no. This is a long post, sorry, but I'm confused about my feelings and would appreciate some feedback. We've had a couple of weeks of LC now and it has helped me realise some things. For a start, I've realised that part of me hates him. I have a lot of resentment over what I feel he put me through last year and how he let me down. I had some big issues going on in my life last year and he hust disappeared at times when i needed him. The problem is I never told him how upset I was by his behavior. I just kept it all in and let the resentment build up. I realise now how destructive that was and immature. So basically, the way I feel now is that I don't want to be friends (he does) because I have all this anger towards him. But, I do want to get back with him, and I think it's partly because that's the only way I'll ever resolve these feelings - by getting back together and telling him how I feel and talking it out. And hearing him say sorry. I just can't see how this pans out otherwise. If we just stay friends / work colleagues, I think part of me is always going to hate him. And I don't want that. Hi Lost, I'll admit that I am very confused by the bolded part of your post above. I understand that you don't want to be friends with your ex. However, you say that you want to renew the relationship to resolve your feelings and receive an apology. This does not make sense to me. Also, from what you posted, he doesn't want to rekindle the relationship. Am I missing something? As for your intense anger towards him, hating an ex is often part of the grieving/healing process. It stinks, but it lessens with time and, especially, distance. M. 1
Author Lostint Posted April 23, 2013 Author Posted April 23, 2013 I don't know, I'm very confused. I think it grieves me to think that I wasted a year of my life on someone who treated me badly. It's almost like the only way to make this a positive story is if we get back together. I'm afraid that ultimately, I have to admit that I made a big mistake, committed a major error of judgement, and went out with an ******* for a year. I hate feeling that way. I hate acknowledging that I let an ******* get close to me. I wish I had walked away a year ago when he first treated me badly. The worst thing about this is that I gave him the benefit of the doubt and it seems like he didn't deserve it. To have HIM say to ME after all that that I'm not right for him is just adding insult upon injury.
Minneloa Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 I don't know, I'm very confused. I think it grieves me to think that I wasted a year of my life on someone who treated me badly. It's almost like the only way to make this a positive story is if we get back together. I'm afraid that ultimately, I have to admit that I made a big mistake, committed a major error of judgement, and went out with an ******* for a year. I hate feeling that way. I hate acknowledging that I let an ******* get close to me. I wish I had walked away a year ago when he first treated me badly. The worst thing about this is that I gave him the benefit of the doubt and it seems like he didn't deserve it. To have HIM say to ME after all that that I'm not right for him is just adding insult upon injury. I am sorry you are hurting, Lost. Please know that your feelings of regret and anger are *completely* understandable and natural. The tricky part about the grieving/healing process is that it will typically put you all over the map emotionally. Sad one day, enraged the next. This IS confusing. However, I strongly urge you not to act on any of these feeling in terms of your ex. You just have to feel them. As they say, no way out but through. After all, reconciling isn't currently an option, and it doesn't seem that you are truly interested in reuniting with him. If I am understanding correctly, you are more frustrated with yourself for staying in a relationship that did not meet your emotional needs. Well, the good news is that there is a happy ending to that story, and you have already started writing it. 1
Author Lostint Posted April 25, 2013 Author Posted April 25, 2013 Thanks M. You always have some calm, soothing words of wisdom in my head I picture you as some kind of angel descending from the skies to calm me down when I'm hysterical! As you said, my emotions are still all over the map. Angry one day, full of love the next. One thing is clear - I'm in no state to get back with him even if he wanted me back. Last year was traumatic for me even outside what happened in the relationship. I still can't think about what happened without crying, it's no surprise a new relationship didn't survive that. For the moment I guess I need to work on coming to terms with where my life is now and getting back to feeling good about myself and shaking off this depression.
Author Lostint Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 All these feelings I'm having - is the best way of coping to just get busy and ignore them? or is it necessary to just feel them? I worry that I'm wallowing and making this harder on myself. But I worry that if I just get busy and ignore them, it'll come back and bite me in the ass sometime in the future - e.g. I'll just keep repeating the same mistakes. I got a text from my ex today that has put me back to square one in terms of wanting him back and not wanting this to be over. He said he understands what I'm going through and he's not going anywhere. I know that he only means that as a friend, but it's so easy to misinterpret and read it as saying that he'll wait for me. It really feels like I took one step forward, but now I've taken two back.
Minneloa Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Thanks M. You always have some calm, soothing words of wisdom in my head I picture you as some kind of angel descending from the skies to calm me down when I'm hysterical! As you said, my emotions are still all over the map. Angry one day, full of love the next. One thing is clear - I'm in no state to get back with him even if he wanted me back. Last year was traumatic for me even outside what happened in the relationship. I still can't think about what happened without crying, it's no surprise a new relationship didn't survive that. For the moment I guess I need to work on coming to terms with where my life is now and getting back to feeling good about myself and shaking off this depression. Hi Lost, Well, I'm surely no angel, but I am glad that my input has been helpful to you. I saw your new post, but I am heading to bed right now. I will read & respond in the morning. Sending good thoughts! M. 1
mbee Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 I think you need to take a step back from your ex. There was one point, years ago, when I was constantly feeling a mixture of resentment, anger, hurt and lastly love for someone who had not been there for me when I needed him. Like yourself I made the mistake of continuing to be friends and hoping for a happy ending. This guy hadn't technically done anything to me but I had thought we were best friends, that he cared and would be there for me during tough times. Yet throughout the entire time we knew each other, 4 years, he was only there for me for 1 year. Trying to maintain a friendship, hoping that things would be better actually made it worse. One day we had a discussion about it. A deep heartfelt discussion. He admitted we would never be together. That hurt at the time. He also admitted that after knowing my feelings towards him, he needed space. I realized then that I was doing the same thing over the course of almost 2 years! You have to ask yourself why am I not moving on, why is the anger still there? Over the past 4 months it sounds like you have not moved on. I stopped talking to him immediately and lived my life. I even began to have a crush on someone who seemed to care. Over time the anger and pain this person gave me lessened dramatically. After about 2 years I met my boyfriend (who is now my ex, sadly). He cared for me and supported me in a way that no man ever has before. Even though we are over and I greatly want us back, I am thankful that I found someone who I had a meaningful and deep love with. I would never have found him if I was still caught up in hoping for some happy ending with the other guy. I know it's rough but try cutting off contact for a bit, even as friends. Try finding other friends to carry you through rough times. The anger will lessen as you get time apart. I wouldn't rekindle anything with this guy. An apology will do nothing. I've had guys mess it up before, and if they are truly genuine they will give more than an apology and sweet words via a text message. Let him go and open your heart up to friends and potential lovers who can offer you so much more. Trust me, I understand the pain but until I let that one guy from years ago go, and learned to just accept it, I became a much happier person. 1
Author Lostint Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 Like yourself I made the mistake of continuing to be friends and hoping for a happy ending. . Thanks, mbee, for the thoughtful reply. Well, I am not trying to be friends with my ex at the moment. We've had very limited contact for the last month - maybe three exchanges of texts. I can't cut him off completely because I see him at work every day, however we don't talk. The only thing I know is that I need to continue on through this pain and continue talking to my therapist to try and come to terms with everything that happened last year. In answer to my own question, I think the emotions need to be addressed otherwise they just stay there, simmering away under the surface. I ignored the pain I was feeling last year and tried to get through this on my own - the end result was a huge amount of anger and resentment towards my parents and my ex for not being there for me. My parents really did let me down. My ex, I'm not so sure - he really didn't know the full story of what was going on and I didn't really give him a chance to be there for me. I don't want to continue being a walking ball of anger and resentment so I have to forgive him. I want to get to a stage where I can sit down and have a coffee with him and behave like a normal person. Hopefully when I get there, whatever feelings I have for him then will be mutual - I.e. if he still doesn't want me, I hope it will by then be clear to me that he's not what I want either.
Author Lostint Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 Everyone is saying walk away, move on, no contact etc. I don't really get it. Relationships aren't like disposable goods - throw it in the trash if it's not working and go buy a new one. I know I need space and I need to work through my anger and my resentment and continue going to counselling and get back to being ok with myself. But underneath that anger and resentment there is a lot of love. I can do something about the anger and resentment by talking to my counsellor. But I can't do anything about the love. And why should I? Isn't love a precious thing. If I still love him shouldn't I be working towards reuniting, maybe not now, but when I've dealt with all my issues?
Minneloa Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Everyone is saying walk away, move on, no contact etc. I don't really get it. Relationships aren't like disposable goods - throw it in the trash if it's not working and go buy a new one. I know I need space and I need to work through my anger and my resentment and continue going to counselling and get back to being ok with myself. But underneath that anger and resentment there is a lot of love. I can do something about the anger and resentment by talking to my counsellor. But I can't do anything about the love. And why should I? Isn't love a precious thing. If I still love him shouldn't I be working towards reuniting, maybe not now, but when I've dealt with all my issues? Hi Lost, First of all, I'm sorry that you are feeling upset and unsure right now. Breakups can be so disorienting and emotionally exhausting. At the risk of oversimplifying, I want to paraphrase a few of your recent comments: 1) I need to work on myself and my emotional health for now, to move past the hurt and anger that I am harboring from the break-up and other events in the last year. 2) I got a text from him. 3) Now I feel upset and am doubting myself. This is, at the core, what I am hearing you say. So, I am once again going to recommend that you cut off all non-work contact with him; it only serves as a trigger that is interfering with your ability to process the breakup. As for the love, of course it is there. That is why this is so difficult, because you genuinely cared about him. And it is tempting to focus on the positives, because you are grieving the loss of your ex and his place in your life. However, you have also expressed serious reservations about his ability to be a good partner to you, as well as anger and disappointment about the relationship dynamics. Bottom line: embrace your feelings in all their chaos: love, hate, fear, pain, doubt, rage. But look forward, not back. As I said before, there is a new story to be written here. In order to do that, you have to turn to a fresh, new, blank page, which can be both terrifying and exhilarating. All best, M. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Wait, so one of the main reasons you want to get back with your ex is because it's the only way that you feel like you wouldn't have wasted the previous year with him? You'd rather try again at a relationship that turned toxic out of pure stubbornness? This seems like a hopelessly bad idea. No offense.
Leigh 87 Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I am responding to the part where you mentioned how your ex was not there to support you during the times when you truly needed him (the most). I suspect that he is either a very selfish person, in order to be able to ignore a person he seriously cares about, who is in great stress. Otherwise - he just is not that in love with you. Most men who are really in love will rush to be by your side when your in a bad state. Then there are the men who are just selfish people in general, who would not rush to help a girl regardless of their depth love that is felt (towards the girl in need of support). I would determine why he was not in a position to be able to really help you. If he is just selfish, he has to WANT to change! He has to think " well, I will do anything to be with her, and of course I will change my selfish ways" That is the only way I would accept this man back into my life - if he was just selfish in nature yet really loved me, in spite of the fact that he ignored you when you needed his love/support. Even then - he has to WANT to change his selfish ways. Good luck with it.
lostwithnolove Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 When I read your post, I think the best advice anyone can give you is not to go back with him. Most of the people that are replying are probably out of the ****ty relationship there in and our probably in a good one right now. I honestly am still in a really crappy relationship and I would never want anyone to go through what I'm going through. Trust me just stay away from him cause years from now your going to regret it and your probably wondering why I'm not taking my own advice its probably because I dont have anyone that loves me and I still have this small hope that he does, so I'm sure theres someone out there who loves you, either it being some other guy, your friends or your family, just make sure you hold on to that love. Just try to stay away from him, because you cant be friends with someone who doesnt love you anymore, because friendship is love and not hatred, just move on. That's what life is all about. Hope this helped
OwlSoul Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Thanks M. You always have some calm, soothing words of wisdom The avatar... it makes me wanna hug.
Author Lostint Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 Thank you all for the responses. Well, I think he has started seeing someone anyway, so I guess I should just give up hope. Eventually I'll be indifferent, I hope. At least I have some good days now, even some great days, where I feel back to my old self. I guess I just have to continue on through this. It's so hard though, when I have to see him at work.
Author Lostint Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 Have just seen him in the supermarket with his new girl. I just had a feeling he'd met someone else, but the shock of it. Like being punched in the stomach. God, I really need something good to happen in my life soon. The pain of this has just been incredible.
Author Lostint Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 I think this may be the closure I needed. As the day has worn on I'm feeling ok again. I still don't feel great about the future but the reality is that this isn't going to be the last guy I meet. I've been putting in a lot of work to understand my behavior patterns in the last four months and I'm hopeful that in my next relationship I can avoid some of the mistakes I made this time round. One of the things I was struggling with was why he wasn't willing to give it another chance. Now I know that his mind was probably already on this new girl. He's just jumping back in and is probably going to repeat all of the same mistakes he made with me - it makes me respect him less to be honest.
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