younger gf wants a break to find self and says we'll definitely be back together

[mrfunk]

Hi. I have a few questions. I would appreciate any insights.

 

Situation:

 

I've been going out with my girlfriend for a year now. She went out of her way to do everything for me and always seemed so in love with me no matter what I do. I graduated college a few months ago and left my girlfriend behind to finish. I still see her fairly often and our relationship hadn't changed at all.

 

A few weeks ago her female friend from high school moved back to town after breaking up with her boyfriend. Since then my girlfriend has been hanging out with this girl every single night until very late at night. They go to parties and whatnot everyday. This doesn't really bother me but this girl is a complete slut (literally) and is into drugs. She takes my girlfriend around people who do drugs and now my gf is friends with these people. She doesn't actually partake in any of the drugs. The real problem is that this friend and her other new friends she now hangs out with daily told her that she needs to see other people besides me because she's too young to have decided on the guy she wants to be with. She was perfectly happy before they started telling her this and she took it to heart and got confused.

 

So, on friday, she told me she wants some space to find herself and be able to have the "college experience." She says she's nearly positive she wants to be with me and earlier she had said that i was perfect and she knew she wanted to be with me so she didn't know why her friends insisted to her that she needed to see other guys to make sure i was the one for her. She says she's going to end up back with me but she can't just be with me for a little while. She wants to be able to go to parties without worrying about hurting anybody (me) by anything that she does. (not i ever tried to control her) She seems to be using her friend and the new friends she's made as a replacement for me who she spent most of her time with while i was still in school as if she's filling a void.

 

So i stayed the weekend with her, and she went between being warm and cold with me. She was purposely putting space between us, and I insisted she tell me the truth and that I could accept it whether she wanted to be with me or not, and she insisted she wasn't just telling me what she thought i wanted to hear: she actually wants to be with me again in the future and hopes she's not ruining the best thing that's ever happened to her just because she's confused.

 

I figure I can give her a few months. She thinks she can keep calling me just like she has and i can call and msg her online all i want. I've gotten the advice that I shouldn't allow this and should just tell her when she calls something along the lines of: "i love you with all my heart and want to be there for you and give you the space and everything else you need, but it hurts too much to talk to you, so please don't call me again until you're ready to work things out and be with me and only me and maybe i'll still be around."

 

My questions are: do you think she really does love me and thinks she'll be back to me soon? Should i cut her out of my life completely even though it hurts a lot and hope she realizes she can't just have me at her beck and call whenever she wants and that doesn't want to be without me? I don't like the idea of being put on the back burner indefinitely. She is younger than I am and less experienced in relationships so i don't think she realizes how lucky she is to have found someone she's truly happy with. From what she says, it seems like she wants to go out with a couple immature college guys and get used and hurt so that she realizes what she has already is everything she wants for sure since she doesn't have the experience to draw on to be positive. She gives examples of friends of hers that were on a break and got back together and are really happy now.

 

sorry that was longwinded. thanks for any help.

[bluechocolate]

I don't like the idea of being put on the back burner indefinitely

 

Neither would I.

 

If it were me I would end it & say goodbye, no matter how much it hurt. You've been going out for a year. To my mind that is plenty of time for someone to have reached a decision as to wether or not they are right together. Sounds to me like she wants to have her cake & eat it too. It's immature & if she is so easily led by her friends then perhaps she is not the kind of person you want to be with anyway.

 

Should i cut her out of my life completely even though it hurts a lot...........

 

As I said, that is what I would do. That is not to say that you can't or won't get back together, but you have to consider what this could do to the trust & bond you have built up in your relationship. It won't be the same. You'll be wondering what she was up to. You'll have set a precedent where she may think she can do this sort of thing again. And this business of her being able to contact you & such while she's off sowing her wild oats in her college years! Forget it. It's disrespectful to you & insensitive to your feelings. Clearly she knows that you don't want to have a break? If that is what she really wants then a break it should be. It sounds to me like she'll be out there partying & seeing other people & therefore there will be the distinct possibilty that she could meet someone else & may decide that she would rather be with them. How long are you supposed to wait? How many people does she need to see before coming to the realisation that you are or are not the one? She's in college therefore I assume she is an adult and as adults we have to be aware that there are consequences for our decisons and our actions.

 

She may maintain that other people have had breaks & have got back together. Well bully for them. Other people have open relationships, but that is not something that I would indulge in. It sounds like you are uncomfortable with this, otherwise why post here? This may be one of those instances where listening to your head is wiser than listening to your heart.

 

Good luck.