Has this guy gone off me, or am I paranoid?? !! x

[Sparkly24]

Background summary:

 

Had a massive thing for this guy, S, 4 years ago when I was at uni. Memories are pretty vague, but I found him to be very difficult to communicate, and overall I was really hurt by him. I was still a bit immature then, and didn't know much about guys like I do now.

 

Current situation summary:

I finished with a long-term bf, A, of 2 years last year, in October. He had massive debt problems, lied to me a lot, and completely screwed me over when we broke up. Since then, I had been fooling about with a VERY toxic, older married man, J. (only emotional, not a physical relationship) which I know was wrong, but found very hard to stop. We got very close, and I had a lot of feelings for this man, because he gave me a massive boost of confidence. Eventually I did stop it, about a month and a half back, because I realised he was spinning me lies and that actually to him I was nothing special after all. I do feel hurt and betrayed by J.

 

So me and S randomly got back in touch about a month ago. We started chatting on fb, and he was really keen. He asked me for my number and we met for drinks. Now for the first time ever with a guy I was really suspicious. I held a lot back, and overall kind of reluctant to get involved with anyone else, but I thought he was cute, and I thought it would be nice to have a few dates to cheer me up. I was conscious of what happened the last time with S, and what happened with A and J too.

 

On our date, S told me that he had backed off the last time because he thought I was not interested. It seems like we had both gotten the wrong end of the stick. We both agreed to have a fresh start. I warned him, that I was all over the place from guys, and that he would have to be patient. I told him that I was wary of guys, and he would really need to work at it for me to let him in a bit more. And he was really good. He texted me every morning, saying 'good morning gorgeous/beautiful' - he drove all the way over to see me, and made the effort, and spent ages chatting online in the evenings.

 

Then we had out 3rd date, and we spent all day together. He came over with me to this really crappy house party I was invited to, and he stuck around waiting for me while I socialised, and was really patient. It got really late, and we missed all the trains, so I told him he could stay with me. And it was really nice, I felt really calm and comfortable with him, and we slept together. He was fine all the next day and gave me a really nice kiss and cuddle at the train station when he went back.

 

Since the 3rd date:

So... I since then have quit my job, as it was just so awful there. I have had to move back home with my family (I am 24 - it's awful) And surprise surprise, S has become slightly more distant, and he is sending me very mixed messages. I am no longer getting good morning texts. He is taking hours to text me back. He does not seem amazingly eager to see me or arrange times to see me. But then, at the same time, he is still making the effort at times. So he did see me, and he brought me dinner and wanted to make sure I was OK after. He wanted to see me this weekend too, but spent so long replying after I asked him which day, that I gave up and just made my own plans. Again, he said he would come and see me this week, but now he has made no suggestions about when. I called him, and had a chat with him. I told him that I was feeling strange. I told him how much I had appreciated him coming to see me etc, and told him how nice it was of him to have been so patient. I told him I was getting a bit paranoid about things for some reason, and he told me to relax. He promised me he would tell me if he was no longer interested, which is something I made him promise before.

 

Is this all in my head? Am I paranoid, because I have had to deal with pathetic excuses for men before, and I am expecting it to go wrong again? Is it because everything in my life with my job is so unsettled, that I have just naturally become sensitive and insecure recently? Is it because I no longer have a job now, and I am more conscious of the amount of time it takes for him to reply? Or has he become bored and uninterested, because he got to sleep with me?

 

My instincts are telling me that he is a decent guy, he is not out to screw me over or break my trust, but I think that now he has had me, the chase has gone a bit and he feels he does not need to put in the same amount of effort. I do think he would tell me if he was not interested. They are also telling me that my change of circumstances are making me more insecure. Whereas before, when I first started speaking to him, I felt like I could take it or leave it. Then again, maybe if I made more of an effort, I might get more from him. I think because I am paranoid and seeing him as a danger, I am holding a lot back from him again, instead of just being relaxed and being myself.

 

I would really like some advice from anyone, because all this wondering, and feeling paranoid, is really not helping me right now. I need to be focusing on finding a new job and instead I am looking at my phone every five minutes and feeling like a massive loser. Thanks xxxxxx

[BluEyeL]

I think this is a pretty classical situation. You had sex, and he backed off because he achieved his goal, it seems that this is normal. To this, you react with insecurity, also expected. It doesn't mean you lost him, what you need to do is to stop acting insecure immediately and start acting like you could take it or leave it (even if you don't feel like it inside). This will give you more chances for a long term relationship to develop. I think you slept together too early, but it doesn't seem you're doomed. Good luck!

[Emilia]

I warned him, that I was all over the place from guys, and that he would have to be patient. I told him that I was wary of guys, and he would really need to work at it for me to let him in a bit more. And he was really good. He texted me every morning, saying 'good morning gorgeous/beautiful' - he drove all the way over to see me, and made the effort, and spent ages chatting online in the evenings.

 

Well that's not really true though is it, he made no effort to get to know you. He didn't let you into his life either - which is how you can tell whether a guy is interested.

 

As soon as you told him the above he knew you weren't suitable for a serious relationship (if he wanted one in the first place) so he went after sex.

 

You don't state anything about this guy in your post, you have no mention of what his hopes/dreams/goals are like and I'm guessing that because you have no idea. Another classic where a woman was told what she wanted to hear and got played.

 

You need to learn to pick guys more carefully and if you want a relationship you have to get to know better rather than make some statement about your 'not being easy' and then be easy anyway.

[Sparkly24]

Well that's not really true though is it, he made no effort to get to know you. He didn't let you into his life either - which is how you can tell whether a guy is interested.

 

As soon as you told him the above he knew you weren't suitable for a serious relationship (if he wanted one in the first place) so he went after sex.

 

You don't state anything about this guy in your post, you have no mention of what his hopes/dreams/goals are like and I'm guessing that because you have no idea. Another classic where a woman was told what she wanted to hear and got played.

 

You need to learn to pick guys more carefully and if you want a relationship you have to get to know better rather than make some statement about your 'not being easy' and then be easy anyway.

 

Absolutely not, I know a lot about him and he knows a lot about me, I just didn't want to make the post a really long, rambling one so that people would be bored from it. I have already learnt my lesson about not taking much notice of what guys say, but what they do instead, and up until now his actions said a lot to me that he was serious about spending time with me. Since sleeping together the messages have become mixed. He has not gone off completely and rejected me, if that was the case I could deal with that, and cut him out and move on. He is still showing signs of being interested but just not quite as often as before, and I am not sure how much my own insecurities are playing that up in my mind. That was the reason for asking for advice.

[Emilia]

Absolutely not, I know a lot about him and he knows a lot about me, I just didn't want to make the post a really long, rambling one so that people would be bored from it.

Ok

I have already learnt my lesson about not taking much notice of what guys say, but what they do instead, and up until now his actions said a lot to me that he was serious about spending time with me.

I'm not in the camp that thinks sleeping with someone early on is necessarily a bad thing BUT it depends on what you want. I don't think he 'proved' that much to you. You went out about 3 times.

 

I'd say generally speaking it isn't a good idea to tell someone that you are in a bad place unless you know the person well. They will conclude that you are not suitable for anything serious.

 

At this point I'd let him do the work and the contacting. Your telling him that you need to know whether he loses interest showed too much insecurity and potential neediness. You need to keep your cool much more.

[BluEyeL]

I agree with Emilia, and I reinforce that it is a pretty classical pattern. You need to step back immediately and let him do the contacting. It'll be at a slower pace than before, but if you stop the neediness and negativity, you might salvage this. If not, you'll lose.