leafguy Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Hey everyone, I have a situation that I could use the advise of some non biased people, and in this event, probably the best is a random poster. Anyways, my fiancee and I have been together for 4 years. We met our first semester of college and have had a pretty solid relationship. There have been a few ups and downs, but nothing that can be considered a serious issue....until now. A little background on the issue....we have not lived together before, but have spent numerous weeks on vacation, see each other almost every night and for the most part, live together on weekends at my parents place. She has finally graduated school and is wanting to buy a place of her own (she comes from a well off family, so there is enough for a place from savings and we will be working to pay standard bills and save). Here in lies my situation....she is basically intent on buying the place herself, with or without my help. She has asked for input with regards to what I want in the house, but in very limited fashion and for the most part, constantly refers to it as "her" search and when she finds "her" house. When she finds one, she also wants to move in on her own and have some independence. My biggest issue with this is we had always talked about it as something we will do together, and call it our house. I am no gold digger and want the house to be hers (financially speaking) so I had already stated that I will let her have the house in her name barring any issues that may arise after a wedding. Her money is her money. However, it is in that issue that when I ask for a bigger say on the house since I will be living there too at some point, and as far as the issues with moving in together that I have stated I believe it should be done as equals, not one dictating that she is going to live on her own and basically decide how and when she will be ready to "shed her independence." Now it's at the point where she doesn't want any part of us moving in our stuff together and that my living with her will be a gradual process, which I feel like I am 2nd best in the relationship. I mean, is it not a reasonable expectation to be treated as an equal at this point, despite the financial equation? Am I being unreasonable in expecting to get the keys with her, move it and call it our home? She goes out with friends, as do I and noone ever complains as we have our own space as well. However, she wants to have friends at the house and I get the vibe she feels like Id be intrusive if I was there, regardless if it was in another room on another level. From a female perspective, she states that it's something she wants and that I should respect and endorse. On the flip side, should she not endorse my wants as well? I understand her being independent with some things, but is this one of those things that should be done as partners, regardless of financials? Basically, I simply do not know what to do. Do I give her an ultimatum with regards to this issue? Should I be raising red flags as I don't understand the need to have a friend over (she has a few male friends too) while worrying about me being there. I've never had an issue with her doing thing with these guy friends as she has always been forward about it, but this just seems odd. Anyways, this has become an essay, so I will leave it there. Thanks in advance for taking the time to read and reply.
spock and the hobbit Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Hi leafguy, It shouldn't raise too many suspicions, she probably is used to her space and likes it. However, you should bring your feelings to her attention and have a discussion about your part in the house, and your future with her.
Mr. Nibbles Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 I'll just say this: when you buy a house you become married to it. You might be number two compared to her house.
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