SalientPoint Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 So my isolation in the countryside is starting to get to me I think, and I'm in the phase where everything reminds me of her. We are NC, I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do (except get really fat and develop cirrhosis, but those are the biproducts of the situation) and every stupid unavoidable thing will make me think of her and start crying (I'm a girl so it's slightly more socially acceptable but still embarrassing). The latest thing in the last conversation we had was in addition to her comittment issues, she started up with the " I don't think I'm in love with you". We are from different countries/cultures, so tbh I do think some of it stems from her cultures version of " In love" but the message was still pretty clear that she's over me and doesn't miss me. So yeah, like I said I've accepted she's not coming back, we're not talking, but I still basically feel like I'd rather get run over by a train to make the pain stop. In addition I feel stupid for giving up my apartment for her, and putting my life and career on hold when I thought I was going to move for her. Now, I know I need to think of a new life plan, and fast, but I'm too depressed right now to really do any good brain storming. I also will never understand people that suddenly just decide they don't love you one day. I mean, I get it when we are younger and in GIGS life stages, but this chick was 34 and had her ish together. She was seemingly super stable in life, very loyal etc, and then boom " nope, not in love, see ya." Plus, I would never ever even contemplate marriage talk with someone unless I was serious about it, that was all on her behalf, but clearly it's all just a bunch of bs.
ForeverHopeful1 Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Oh my... I am so very sorry, Hun. This friggin sucks! It really hurts when you think you know someone, and then all of a sudden...................... they change and dont care about you anymore. It is very odd behaviour and makes you wonder if everything they said was BS. 2
iouaname Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 So yeah, like I said I've accepted she's not coming back, we're not talking, but I still basically feel like I'd rather get run over by a train to make the pain stop. I understand this feeling completely. Even when you know it's over and you have to let go because they so clearly have, there's still so much pain to work through and it just feels overwhelming, and like you don't want to have to deal with it. There's also a sickening feeling that comes from knowing that they have moved on while you're still grieving. For me, it made me feel like he was somehow better than me. That me missing him but him not missing me meant I had less worth as a person. Just know that what your feeling is completely normal for the situation. 1
Author SalientPoint Posted April 23, 2013 Author Posted April 23, 2013 There's also a sickening feeling that comes from knowing that they have moved on while you're still grieving. For me, it made me feel like he was somehow better than me. That me missing him but him not missing me meant I had less worth as a person. Totally! You described this really well. I feel the same way. It's worse because in the beginning she was the one that seemed more open and into very honest/direct communication and stuff, and then when I finally really let her in and demonstrated that I was willing to make major sacrifices for her, THAT'S when she started to break up with me and pull all the " I don't love you" crap. So I really feel like the whole relationship was a lie, and like I lost some sort of game, and am a weaker person, for actually trusting her. 1
LoveB86 Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 I understand this feeling completely. Even when you know it's over and you have to let go because they so clearly have, there's still so much pain to work through and it just feels overwhelming, and like you don't want to have to deal with it. There's also a sickening feeling that comes from knowing that they have moved on while you're still grieving. For me, it made me feel like he was somehow better than me. That me missing him but him not missing me meant I had less worth as a person. You couldn't had said that any better!! I don't understand why I feel like he is better than me, that his girlfriend is better than me. Why Why!? I can't explain why I have this feeling and I don't understand why I think the feeling is right, after all, he won the game right? he dumped me as I lost to some other chick
mtnbiker3000 Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 You couldn't had said that any better!! I don't understand why I feel like he is better than me, that his girlfriend is better than me. Why Why!? I can't explain why I have this feeling and I don't understand why I think the feeling is right, after all, he won the game right? he dumped me as I lost to some other chick I agree and I feel this way too. While I am going through this horrible process, she is out having fun and doing whatever. Definitely feels like I lost this game. BUT, just remember, this is NOT a race, and you must do what you need to do no matter how long it takes. Hold on to your dignity and self respect and take as long as you need. That is the ONLY thing you can do!! 1
Author SalientPoint Posted April 23, 2013 Author Posted April 23, 2013 I think feeling like we lost is just a bit of reality tempering the hope that's part of our self preservation process. Like we were all dumped, so we pretty much know our ex's don't love or aren't as committed to things as we were, but that doesn't stop a small part of our brains hoping that they'll come begging back, even though in my case I know for a fact it will never ever happen. Still knowing they're out there doing fine, and actually having to saturate our minds with the fact, just adds on to the pain, so I think it's just our brains fighting themselves. 1
CompleteFailure Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 My last public cry was while watching Oblivion, that was embarrassing. My ex looked at me with an annoyed face and said, "are you okay?" Than proceeded to distance herself away from me. I think feeling like we lost is just a bit of reality tempering the hope that's part of our self preservation process. Like we were all dumped, so we pretty much know our ex's don't love or aren't as committed to things as we were, but that doesn't stop a small part of our brains hoping that they'll come begging back, even though in my case I know for a fact it will never ever happen. Still knowing they're out there doing fine, and actually having to saturate our minds with the fact, just adds on to the pain, so I think it's just our brains fighting themselves. Even with our genuine feelings of lost love, I think a lot of it has to do with the need of feeling validated. That we are as important to them as they were to us. Probably because all of us not fully letting go have either codependent or narcissistic qualities.
Author SalientPoint Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 (edited) Even with our genuine feelings of lost love, I think a lot of it has to do with the need of feeling validated. That we are as important to them as they were to us. Probably because all of us not fully letting go have either codependent or narcissistic qualities. I think in some cases this is very true, but again, the fact that my ex went out of her way for a substantial portion of the relationship to try and demonstrate she was the loyal and committed one, but when I actually gave up my apartment and career progression to be with her and that exact time is when she broke up with me, and I know she doesn't miss me, again just makes me feel like a fool for trusting her and sacrificing things when she cares so little. Not necessarily that I'm co-dependent, just frustrated that I was naive enough to get duped. Edited September 8, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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