Groover Posted September 20, 2004 Posted September 20, 2004 A couple of months ago I met a really lovely guy. We've been out a few times and I've stayed at his place. We get along extremely well, although technically, we're not 'seeing' each other. We seem to have formed a really nice friendship, but at the same time, we've also been intimate. While all this sounds positive, here's what's bothering me: 1. He broke up with his ex over a year ago after she cheated on him with someone he knows. He's not totally over her yet (he thought she was The One). He said he still loves her. Funnily enough, I really appreciate that he told me this. He said that even though he'd love to get back with her, it will never happen and that she's actually done him a favor. 2. Even though he's not ready to get into a relationship again, he has told me numerous times that he really likes me and he is affectionate towards me. He also jokingly told me that he "has a hard spot in his heart" for me (we both know the expression is 'soft spot' - it was more a case of saying it without having to actually say it). He compliments my personality and looks a lot too. 3. I think he might be dating around, which is fair enough, but I feel so very confused. He's a very open, honest, genuine person, but I can't help but wonder if he's like this with other girls? 4. This is all eating at me like you wouldn't believe. It's actually been getting me really down over the last week or so. He has all the traits that appeal to me and he has so much potential. Here's two people with such similar values, who communicate so well and are physically attracted to each other, yet the timing's terrible. He even told me it's all in the timing. 5. I'm starting to fall for him in a big way and for some reason, it's upsetting me. He's on my mind a lot too. The last time I rang him, he told me he'd been thinking about me. I jokingly said, "aww, aint that sweet". He said he wasn't thinking about me in the cheesy way, but he had been thinking about me. We've known each other for a couple of months now but it really feels like we've known each other for a lot longer. We don't arrange to see each other regularly, because we're not actually an item, but we're always really happy to talk to each other or see each other. I can also tell by his gestures that he's very fond of me. 6. This is the first guy in a long time that I've viewed in this way. It's not often that two people click like we do. Strangely, knowing that the timing is terrible and having met this wonderful guy has made me feel quite lonely over the last week. 7. I'm not ready for a relationship yet (I have issues), but I find myself always wanting to talk to him and absolutely hanging to see him. In a perfect world, I would have us hang onto each other until we're both ready. This is torturing me and for the first time this morning, I actually shed tears about our situation. My friends tell me to ride with it and have fun. He's such a wonderful guy and so worth having in my life, but I'm afraid I'm going to end up falling in love with him and for some reason, I'm terrified of that. Has anyone else ever felt like this?
Merin Posted September 20, 2004 Posted September 20, 2004 Groover, Well to begin with I think you're fooling yourself in saying that you're not ready for a relationship, regardless of your issue's (we all have some kind of issue's) it's obvious from your post that you really care about this guy and you're hoping for something more than he's offered. When you get into a situation like this, Friends with "Benefits" than you've established what is okay and acceptable for you. You've essentially told this guy that you're all good with him sleeping with other people and that you are willing to accept that it isn't you that has his heart and mind. Life is complicated enough without adding more stress regarding the boundries of friendship's... as far as i'm concerned IF you're going to become intimate with someone then that should be exclusive for more reasons than one.... the first being STD's... you may know that you have a clean bill of health, I sure hope you know that he has a clean bill of health... but you DON'T know IF the other people he may choose to have sex with also have a clean bill of health... see what I'm saying? He isn't ready he says to be in a relationship... well that of course is his choice however it is also your option to cancel the "benefits package" in this relationship and make it clear that you don't have sex with your friends. From what you've said regarding this guy he is still hung up on the ex and he is on the rebound... not to mention he is still hoping she will take him back... so getting into another relationship at this time (or seriously anytime soon) is not an option for him, because he still hasn't let go of the one he had prior to meeting you.
Groover Posted September 20, 2004 Posted September 20, 2004 Originally posted by Merin2 Groover, Well to begin with I think you're fooling yourself in saying that you're not ready for a relationship, regardless of your issue's (we all have some kind of issue's) it's obvious from your post that you really care about this guy and you're hoping for something more than he's offered. You're right - I do really care for him, but because I haven't properly dealt with some issues I have, I would hate to stuff-up something if we did get together. That's why I don't think I'm ready and that's why I feel so conflicted. Originally posted by Merin2 When you get into a situation like this, Friends with "Benefits" than you've established what is okay and acceptable for you. You've essentially told this guy that you're all good with him sleeping with other people and that you are willing to accept that it isn't you that has his heart and mind. I was totally cool with that until I started to fall for him. Clearly, I'm not in his heart and mind and I can accept that. I'm just not sure I can accept friends with benefits. I've never done that before and I can already feel myself backing off but still wanting to see him. We didn't sleep together the last time we saw each other because I had my reservations (although, MY GOD!!! I so desperately wanted to sleep with him!!) Originally posted by Merin2 Life is complicated enough without adding more stress regarding the boundries of friendship's... as far as i'm concerned IF you're going to become intimate with someone then that should be exclusive for more reasons than one.... the first being STD's... you may know that you have a clean bill of health, I sure hope you know that he has a clean bill of health... but you DON'T know IF the other people he may choose to have sex with also have a clean bill of health... see what I'm saying? We've only had sex once. We did use a condom the first time we had sex (neither of us would have it any other way), but I do understand where you're coming from...whenever you sleep with someone, you sleep with all the other people they've slept with... Originally posted by Merin2 He isn't ready he says to be in a relationship... well that of course is his choice however it is also your option to cancel the "benefits package" in this relationship and make it clear that you don't have sex with your friends. I can have sex with a person without being in a relationship, but not with him. I like him far too much. I know he really, really likes me because he's told me numerous times and he said he feels very comfortable in my company and can communicate with me (we're both excellent communicators and can talk for hours). He's also commented that I'm a very refreshing change from the other girls he's met, who have been high-maintenance or hard to communicate with. I know he's not just trying to get me into bed and that he respects me. I feel exactly the same way towards him. I haven't had such good communication with one guy for God knows how long. Originally posted by Merin2 From what you've said regarding this guy he is still hung up on the ex and he is on the rebound... not to mention he is still hoping she will take him back... so getting into another relationship at this time (or seriously anytime soon) is not an option for him, because he still hasn't let go of the one he had prior to meeting you. I know he is trying to let go of her. He was up-front about not being over her from the very beginning, which I really appreciated. In a perfect world he would take her back, but it's not a perfect world and he said he could never take her back after what she did to him, that she did him a favor by showing him what she was really like and there's just no excuse for doing that to a person. The hardest relationship for me to get over was with a guy who cheated on me. I was so in love with him and it gutted me. We're certainly not exclusive. I decided some time ago that I'd prefer to meet different people and keep my options open. Unfortunately for me, there's no one else on the scene right now, except him and I haven't felt this attracted to someone for quite a while. I don't mean to sound conceited, but even though I'm often told I'm very good-looking, guys rarely approach me and I'm too shy to approach them (although I'm not once I get talking). Anyhow, I don't want to go off on a tangent. That's another episode of Jerry Springer altogether. I think I'll post on that one later... He's so worth having in my life and I'd hate to throw in the towel and not talk to him anymore. I also feel so comfortable in his company and I couldn't tell you the last time a guy and I clicked like this, but I'm a realist and don't live under the illusion that oneday we'll both be ready to pursue a relationship with each other. S**t, I feel so very, very conflicted.
EIN Posted September 20, 2004 Posted September 20, 2004 Groover, I too am going with the same situation as you except I am the one thinking of her. We have not been intimate but I felt the connection there too and she kinda feels it but don't know where to go with it. Not a day goes by, I dont think of her. I totally agree with you about the perfect world part. I too would want to be her companion until she's ready.
Groover Posted September 20, 2004 Posted September 20, 2004 Originally posted by EIN Groover, I too am going with the same situation as you except I am the one thinking of her. We have not been intimate but I felt the connection there too and she kinda feels it but don't know where to go with it. Not a day goes by, I dont think of her. I totally agree with you about the perfect world part. I too would want to be her companion until she's ready. EIN, I've only been intimate with him once and the last time I was reluctant because I knew it would only make me more attached. What amazing self-control I have! ;-) I think what also makes it hard is that he's an open, honest, genuine guy. He's not at all an a***hole. We have such similar values but I'm scared of getting involved and he's not ready. I'd love it if we were both ready because I can see the enormous potential there. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. It's interesting that you used the expression, "don't know where to go with it". That's the exact phrase I used to describe my situation to a friend. How do you think you will handle your situation, if you don't mind me asking? Part of me thinks throwing his friendship away would be one stupid, stupid mistake. So very confused...
Scangie Posted September 20, 2004 Posted September 20, 2004 I'm not sure I completely understand what you are asking here, Groover. Obviously, he has told you through his words and his actions that he is not ready for anything more than the "friends with benefits" setup you have now. So, I mean, you can't move forward with a relationship if that is not what he wants. [And I totally agree with Merin2 -- your posts make it clear that you DO want a relationship with him, despite your claims to the contrary]. So, your only choices are continue with things the way they are, and hope you can keep your emotions in check, or move on, and be prepared for whatever happens -- you might never see him again, or it might wake him up to realize he's losing you, and he doesn't want that. If it were me, I'd choose the latter -- if you aren't important enough to him to keep the relationship going, then you can do better! And the longer you sit around thinking about how perfect he is, the harder it will be for you to recognize other great guys when they come across your path.
chicasha Posted September 20, 2004 Posted September 20, 2004 I too am in a similar situation as you. I have to say...you have articulated your thoughts and fears so well on this message board, and from your postings I can honestly say I feel EXACTLY the same way as you do, right down to the T. So..i guess you can be comforted that you are not alone in these types of situations. i wish i had good advice to you...but since i'm in the same boat as you, and feel like i'm sinking, I don't think I really know what to do. It just pains me to know that there is someone out there who is SO compatible with me, as is also in your case. You probably feel the same pain and frustrations. I too haven't had that with a guy in a really long time...i've met so many guys over the past year...but out of all of them, I only met one who I felt fit me really well. He fit my 'ideal guy' vision. I know that sounds silly....when I first saw him, i was drawn to his looks. Ok...i felt kinda superficial so I told myself I'd only go out with him, if he had the characteristics, pesonality, integrity and values that i really wanted a guy. Ok...he surprised me by having it all. How could i pass up this chance??!?! And..how....and WHY did it all have to be bad timing??!? i really wish i hadn't met him...that way i wouldn't still feel so bad now. ugh...... good luck to you. If u figure out what to do..let me know..in the meantime, i'll keep my fingers crossed for you.
Groover Posted September 21, 2004 Posted September 21, 2004 Originally posted by Scangie [And I totally agree with Merin2 -- your posts make it clear that you DO want a relationship with him, despite your claims to the contrary]. I do and I don't. I do because we're both very attracted to each other, mentally and physically. I don't because, even if he was 100% available, I have to get over some insecurities from past relationships. I don't ever want to screw a relationship up because of insecurities and I need a healthy approach and attitude to be involved with someone. Come to think of it, maybe I'm feeling so conflicted because subconsciously, I'm want to sort my s*** out for someone like him, but unfortunately he's not available to me. Originally posted by Scangie So, your only choices are continue with things the way they are, and hope you can keep your emotions in check, or move on, and be prepared for whatever happens -- you might never see him again, or it might wake him up to realize he's losing you, and he doesn't want that. In my confusion, I didn't actually see how clear my only 2 options are. Obviously, I won't be able to keep my emotions in check, will I? If I'm going to be let down, it will be much easier to deal with sooner than later. Originally posted by Scangie If it were me, I'd choose the latter -- if you aren't important enough to him to keep the relationship going, then you can do better! And the longer you sit around thinking about how perfect he is, the harder it will be for you to recognize other great guys when they come across your path. I just wish we didn't click like we do. It would feel like such a waste, such a missed opportunity to throw it away now, but obviously, the timing for both of us is cr*p. I can honestly say I will miss him so much if we were to break contact. I know there are other great guys out there, but will it be another 4 years before I meet someone so great, instead of constantly meeting dregs? It's such a shame because this kind of connection doesn't come along often, whether they're available or not.
Groover Posted September 21, 2004 Posted September 21, 2004 Originally posted by chicasha i wish i had good advice to you...but since i'm in the same boat as you, and feel like i'm sinking, I don't think I really know what to do. I feel like I'm sinking too. He was the one who approached me to go out for drinks and he really put effort into pursuing me - taking me out to lunch, walking with me to the train station after work...all this before we went out on a date. I know he respects me too, but the simple fact is, he's not available for anything more than friends with benefits, and I don't think I can handle that because I like him far too much. Originally posted by chicasha It just pains me to know that there is someone out there who is SO compatible with me, as is also in your case. You probably feel the same pain and frustrations. I too haven't had that with a guy in a really long time...i've met so many guys over the past year...but out of all of them, I only met one who I felt fit me really well. He fit my 'ideal guy' vision. I know that sounds silly....when I first saw him, i was drawn to his looks. Ok...i felt kinda superficial so I told myself I'd only go out with him, if he had the characteristics, pesonality, integrity and values that i really wanted a guy. Ok...he surprised me by having it all. How could i pass up this chance??!?! And..how....and WHY did it all have to be bad timing??!? You're not wrong about being in the exact same situation - I feel like you've just got inside my head and written out my thoughts. It absolutely pains me as well. Like you, he's the only guy in a long time I completely gel with. If you were a fly on the wall, you'd think we'd known each other for years. Even he was surprised at how well we got along, right from the very start. Again, like you, I was initially drawn to his looks (but that's common) and I thought that there was no way he'd be a package. I thought he might just be a bit of fun. Oh, how bloody wrong I was. Personality, values, integrity - we are so similar that it even surprised me. And the fact that we communicate so unbelievably well is something he's brought up numerous times himself. I don't want him to say these things anymore or compliment my character! Aaargh! Originally posted by chicasha i really wish i hadn't met him...that way i wouldn't still feel so bad now. ugh...... I can't tell you how many times lately that I wish we'd never met, or at least had that first conversation, which led him to ask me out. I didn't realise that having so much in common with a person and getting along so well could feel so s***ty. Actually, I do wish we had met - just a year or so down the track. I also feel that fact that we get along so well is more unexpected than he thought it would be. He's alluded to that a few times. I never clicked so early with any of my exes, so why him?!!! I know he really values having met me and he's so happy whenever we talk. I was on such a high when he asked me out and so pleasantly surprised when we got to know each other (and so was he). Now it's as though I'm coming down - hard. good luck to you. If u figure out what to do..let me know..in the meantime, i'll keep my fingers crossed for you. You too Chicasha. I'd be really interested to know what you're going to do to. Maybe someone else in the same situation is the moral support we need!
kellyp1 Posted September 21, 2004 Posted September 21, 2004 I also have the same situation. It hurts, it sucks and you start to wonder why other people can get the timing right and have relationships with the person they connect with. It's not fair but it is what it is and you can't do anything to help it. I hope you are able to work something out so that you can feel better about everything.
Groover Posted September 21, 2004 Posted September 21, 2004 Originally posted by kellyp1 I also have the same situation. It hurts, it sucks and you start to wonder why other people can get the timing right and have relationships with the person they connect with. It's not fair but it is what it is and you can't do anything to help it. I hope you are able to work something out so that you can feel better about everything. Thanks, kellyp1. I hope you can sort out something too :-) I've had bad timing in the past where they're not ready or I'm not ready but never to this extent. I've don't think I've ever liked someone this much in the early stages. I think other people get the timing right, simply because it is right and there's nothing standing in their way. That's why it's right timing. As much as I like this guy, I'm still keeping my options open. I just happen to be so taken with this guy. Wouldn't it would be so much easier if all the decent guys out there were banging down our doors! :-)
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