How Can Men Turn Their Feeling Off

[9Lives]

We broke up and he did not really seem to be phased by it. On Thursday of this week, he came by my job to see me but I would not go see him. Then I ran into him at the gym. He said he missed me and he was mad that I did not come to see him at work. He wanted to know if I missed him and Said he missed me alot. He said he has alot of internal things going on within himself. He did not want it to end that way. We went to his car for about 10 minutes to talk and he just talked about himself. I said okay well I have to go. He said okay. I said you could have kissed me...he said Im not going to do that. It hurt my feelings alittle. So then on Sat I text him and asked...Is it really over between us?...he replied Yes. I asked why...he said he has to change. He does not feel good about himself. His job, his infidelity, his smoking weed. I said okay.

 

I feel like since it is so easy for him to leave that he really did not care about me. It is all about him. I think he came to the job because he was missing me and he wanted to feel better and that is it. I am not upset about the breakup but I am upset because I feel like he really did not care about me. THAT HURTS ME. I really thought he did. He walked away to easily for someone that has been with someone else for 9 months. We had sex once a week, sometimes 2 times and we talked on the phone everyday just about. I just dont really understand me. I guess I was just sex and nothing else.

[Karlise13]

however, men are geared from childhood on to repress a lot of their emotions, so they are often better at hiding their emotions than we are.

 

Look, he's messed up and wants to end this.

 

IT's probably hurting him too.

 

You are not making it easier by saying, 'you could have kissed me, ' and the like.

He doesn't want a long dramatic drawn out good-bye. He wants to walk away with as little pain as possible.

 

It doesn't mean he's not hurting.

 

I know you're hurt and disappointed. But it's time now to focus on yourself and your life. This is probably for the best. Hard to believe that right now, I'm sure.

[9Lives]

Yup you are right. I am not going back this time. MARK MY WORDS. If you catch me slipping....ABUSE ME WITH WORDS!!!!!

[mj108]

When did he/you break things off?

 

I think the best thing to do is try to avoid him at all cost. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I'm going through the same thing. He called me last Sunday & broke things off with me. I'm trying so hard not to call him. I haven't but he's drove past my house 3 times this week--beeping the horn. I don't know what's going on with that...I'm just trying to stay in my house & trying to avoid him. If I was to run out to see him I know what will happen---All my feelings will come back & then the hurt will come back. So, I think you should try to avoid him. I know it's hard...I'm going through it. I still love him & want to be with him but I know if I take that step---& see him----I'll get hurt once again.

 

Good luck to you! Stay strong!

[9Lives]

Let me tell you...I have had it. This is the second time for me with this guy. It is over. I dont care what he says. I dont want to talk to him anymore. I want to just move on and never date this kind of person again. I am serious. If he can move on ...just like that...I can do it too. I am not going to go crazy no more. These guys are out for one person....himself. Just plain selfish so dont feel bad. He probably cares about you but he is going to tuck you away again. Watch!

[mj108]

I know what you are talking about jvjrose! That's strange you said "Watch out." Cause guess who called me at 4:30 a.m?? Yeah---he did & the number that came up I didn't recognize so of course I picked it up (thinking something bad had happened to someone). There he was on the other line. I should had hung up but I stayed on the line & listened to him. He was upset. Blah...blah..blah. Now here I am at 6:37 a.m. and I can't sleep! We stayed on the phone a good 40 minutes. After I hung up--I asked myself---"What the heck am I doing?" I mean, here I was doing the NC. Haven't heard from him since last Sunday & then when he needs me, he calls? What about when I need him? You are 100% right---they think of theirselves! Wonder what they are going to think when we eventually move on & they see us happy with someone else? We deserve so much better & I pray we'll find it soon.

[MMBastard]

Yeah, jvjrose, most of us will be plain selfish, and yes most will decide not to leave their spouses and tough it out. But rest assured, he's hurtin' - probably more than you'll ever know. Unfortunatelly your man has obviously decided to tough it out (allthough he's stumblin' along the way) and stay in his marriage - especially evident by being the one to break it off. Good luck and take care.

[9Lives]

Thank MMBastard. I just want to move on with out him. I still feel like he is just got over it ...like that. Not because of our relationship. We had a nice relationship for the most part. I asked him how he could just move on so easily and he said he has so many other issue to resolve that he does not think about it as much. He said he prayed to God to remove his desire for sexy, charismatic women (such as myself ) So....human nature tells me that it is simply not that easy but he made it seem very simple. So I dont know. Maybe he was gearing himself up for this day without letting me know. I dont know. . It seem weird.

[snilljente]

My guy seemed to literally flip a switch and not care anymore...and he was the one pursuing me...spending all of his time with me....within two days of being with me..he was with someone new....was he just insincere in his feelings for me or is this type of drastic "switch" in behavior possible if someone really cares about another human being (I am wondering if he really cared, or if it was just all an act)....I CAN'T be with someone else that fast if I still really care about someone else and those feelings haven't been resolved...Is it different for men?

[MMBastard]

Hmmmmm, wish I could give you a straight answer now. I can give you a general assumption based on what you wrote. If and when men get emotionally involved with other women they constantly have this feeling of guilt and confusion looming over them. In one of the other posts someone has described the psyche of men quite well. We are trained and view ourselves as protectors and caregivers (although when we cheat we fail in both). Thus, a constant feeling of inadequacy when we're involved in extremarital affairs. We not only feel as we've failed our families, but ourselves, our ideals and convictions. Some go for damage control (such as I pressume is your guy) and decide to literally tough it out. Men are a bit stronger than that....they'll more often than not, go back to their wives despite maybe/probably feeling miserable. It is the typical struggle of rational vs emotional. Women will (from what i've seen) usually opt for the emotional while men will go for the rational. I'll give you an example of this: I have a very good friend who is in a 8 year relationship with his girlfriend. He recently got involved with a married woman. Only a couple of months after they got involved she's getting a divorce even though she's got a kid and all. And, he is not even guaranteeing her he'll leave his girlfriend for her. Now, this all happened a few days ago and I was dumbfounded by how determined and strong she is. I wish I was that strong earlier on in my relationship.

 

Now, above is a generalization......you should know your guy enough to know what his stance is. My feeling is - he DOES hurt and miss you....the only question is whether he is tough enough to let you go....and unfortunatelly for you - he probably is. I wrote this in another post but there is a song out there these days that more or less should describe how he feels - Usher: Burn. Here's the lyrics:

 

what I dont understand why

See it's burning me to hold onto this

I know this is something I gotta do

But that don't mean I want to

What I'm trying to say is that I-love-you I just

I feel like this is coming to an end

And it's better for me to let it go now than hold on and hurt you

I gotta let it burn

 

[Verse 1]

It's gonna burn for me to say this

But it's comin from my heart

It's been a long time coming

BUT WE DA BEEN BETTER APART

Really wanna work this out

But I don't think you're gonna change it

I do but you don't

Think it's best we go our separate ways

Tell me why I should stay in this relationship

When I'm hurting baby, I ain't happy baby

Plus there's so many other things I gotta deal with

I think that you should let it burn

 

[Chorus]

When the feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to

But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to

Even though this might bruise you

Let it burn

Let it burn

Gotta let it burn

 

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you

Hate the thought of her being with someone else

But you know that it's over

We know that it's through

Let it burn

Let it burn

Gotta let it burn

 

[Verse 2]

Sendin' pages I ain't supposed to

Got somebody here but I want you

Cause the feelin ain't the same

Find myself callin' her your name

Ladies tell me do you understand?

Now all my fellas do you feel my pain?

It's the way I feel

I know I made a mistake

Now it's too late

I know she ain't comin back

What I gotta do now

To get my shorty back

o0o o0o o0o o0oh

Man I don't know what I'm gonna do

Without my bo0o

You've been gone for too long

It's been fifty-leven days, um-teen hours

Ima be burnin' till you return (let it burn)

 

[Chorus]

When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to

But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to

Even though this might bruise you

Let it burn (let it burn, let it burn, you go girl)

Let it burn (gotta let it burn)

Gotta let it burn

 

Deep down you know its best for yourself but you

Hate the thought of ever being with someone else

But you know that it's over

We know that it's through

Let it burn

Let it burn

Gotta let it burn

 

[bridge]

I'm twisted coz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on

On the other side I wanna break down and cry (o0o0o)

I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on

On the other side I wanna break down and cry (yeah)

 

[breakdown]

o0o o0o o0o o0o o0o o0o0o

o0o o0o o0o0o (can ya feel me burnin'?)

o0o o0o o0o o0o o0o o0o0o

So many days, so many hours

I'm still burnin' till you return

 

[Chorus]

When the feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to

But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to

Even though this might bruise you

Let it burn

Let it burn

Gotta let it burn

 

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you

Hate the thought of ever being with someone else

But you know that it's over

We know that it's through

Let it burn

Let it burn

gotta let it burn

[9Lives]

MMBastard

 

I think you are absolutely right. He kept telling me towards the end he was torn and he felt guilty. He said he did not feel good about himself. I never understood why he was torn. We both knew he wasnt going anywhere. Can you help me understand

[MMBastard]

Originally posted by jvjrose

MMBastard

 

I think you are absolutely right. He kept telling me towards the end he was torn and he felt guilty. He said he did not feel good about himself. I never understood why he was torn. We both knew he wasnt going anywhere. Can you help me understand

 

Well he's torn between WANTING to be with you and knowing what the "right" thing to do is. There is a good post out here in the forum about that....something like Heart vs The right thing....... See the trouble is our entire being yearns for being with you...while at the same time we know it is "morally" wrong. Now, I hate to be manipulative in any way but when my gf and I started I said I would never leave my wife.....well later on this all changed.....it takes time and we appraise the person we're with during this time....MM approach this in kindof a risk leveraging manner - no matter how selfish and screwed up it is. My advice would be....let him go at least for a while.....see how his feelings develop. Now, this is only from an emotional standpoint....read posts from other past/current OWs on MM manipulation and gear yourself for what's coming if you decide to continue this.....I honestly don't think you should. Good luck and take care.

[InmannRoshi]

I love New Orleans. I've been numerous times and had an absolute blast each and everytime. I love the food. I love Bourbon St. I love the creole culture. I love the old, gothic architecture. Despite everything I love about the city, my overall opinion of it hasn't changed....

 

Great city to visit, but wouldn't want to live there.

 

There are obvious flaws about the city that I can overlook as a visitor that I couldn't take as a resident. Outside of the French and Garden District, the overall city is kind of a dump. Its really 10 blocks of Montreal placed smack dab in the middle of Mississippi. Doesn't bother me as a visitor, since I don't really have to venture beyond the French Quarter. Plus, the same things that attract me to the city as a tourist would probably get on my nerves as a full time resident. The people watching and energy around Bourbon St. is a great experience as a tourist, but probably a pain in the butt for someone who's trying to get home and get a good night's sleep. As a result, I'm more than happy than to just visit New Orleans and enjoy my time there, and just leave it at that. I'm not somehow "denying my heart" everytime I get on my flight to go back home. I'm not repressing my feelings if I don't go to visit New Orleans every other weekend. New Orleans is what it is ... a wonderfull, beautifull city that is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.

 

I think a lot of OW don't seem to understand they are like New Orleans.

[MMBastard]

Dude, while you might feel that way, this is not the place for this and is not necesserally the case.....even if it were the case this forum is definitelly not the place to write something like this.....that's f*cked up dude.......................

[Quilly]

I agree... not many OW here are wondering what happened after a one night fling or even a short lust-filled affair. Those are easily explained and understood. It's when there are real emotions involved that it gets much more complicated than that. Of course, not all men are capable of having real emotions... hence "New Orleans."

[InmannRoshi]

Actually, I truly do love going to New Orleans.

 

But it is what it is.

[snilljente]

Not all of us are OW...I'd love input regarding my reply to this post as well.....

[Quilly]

Loving the experience of it and loving it are two different things.

[MMBastard]

Originally posted by snilljente

My guy seemed to literally flip a switch and not care anymore...and he was the one pursuing me...spending all of his time with me....within two days of being with me..he was with someone new....was he just insincere in his feelings for me or is this type of drastic "switch" in behavior possible if someone really cares about another human being (I am wondering if he really cared, or if it was just all an act)....I CAN'T be with someone else that fast if I still really care about someone else and those feelings haven't been resolved...Is it different for men?

 

Well, you women should be experts in this type of situation.....since "rebound" is more your type of thing than male...... However, I imagine for him this "rebound" relationship is more of a purely physical nature. Women tend to enter into rebound relationships with a strong emotional aspect (ussualy to forget or keep their mind of a recently ended relationship). They bring in strong feelings into the new relationship (some would say leftover from the previous relationship) without taking the time to know the new person........and then, more often than not, end up kicking themselves in the ass cause the new guy ends up being a dick. I know I strayed off the topic a bit but I imagine this is only sexual for him.....don't worry, it's not like fliping a switch....never is.

[snilljente]

"Well, you women should be experts in this type of situation.....since "rebound" is more your type of thing than male......"

 

This sounds pretty sexist and full of anger...you've clearly had some bad experiences with women....I am definitely not the rebound type...and have been known to take up to a year to "get over"...my feelings from a relationship that has ended before I get involved with someone new...just can do it any faster than my heart is ready...maybe I am the exception....

 

It gives me some peace to know that you don't think that he can "just flip a switch" and be done with his feelings for me....by why try to drown them with someone new instead of trying to work it out with someone new?!

[snilljente]

oops..why try to drown his feelings in someone new instead of trying to work it out with ME.....that's what I mean to type...