3 months on...

[Shocked Suzie]

Hi LS

 

From the very first day when my husband came home and told me about his affair, I can honestly say i have no regrets of how i reacted and how I've managed myself/situation since. I offered him a second chance, his attempt at that was very lame and on his day of leaving he said he didn't want to waste 3 months of trying to rebuild his relationship with me and risk loosing her I have always tried to look at the situation as a "bigger picture", although I personally feel that there should have been certain ways of dealing with his 'so called unhappiness'. I also feel/understand/believe that you only live once and your life should be how you want it to be... unfortunately in his decision he has made three people very unhappy in the process, but we will manage and will be fine in time.

 

I can also honestly say I've dealt with this awful situation as best as i could 'friends say I've been too good' I've only really lost it with him 3 times, once was via text from the shock and hurt...the other times was due to his ongoing slackness and thoughtlessness towards the kids... I refuse to give him any of my precious energy that i have left, it gets me nowhere with him anyway

 

In the early days I was warned that things wont stay amicable and that he could probably even let his kids down, i truly thought that he, the man i knew and married wouldn't do that...but he has

 

I suppose I'm just writing this as a new update, rather than on my first one of "do affairs last" because now i really don't care if it lasts or not and I now am not living in the hope that he'll realize what we had was worth fighting for and come back...although realistically those final words and the look on my kids faces that day I wouldn't have taken him back anyway...I suppose I just wanted him to fail.

 

I was a faithful wife and loved him dearly, we rarely argued and any issue I had with him was minimal and as I looked at it part of being married. I know when people read/hear about separation/affairs people think that things must have been pretty crap for it to have come to this...but they truly wasn't

 

I have had a pretty difficult couple of days, I've taken many knocks since he has left...he has been very thoughtless and self centered. His actions continue to make me question who I am and as to why he feels the need "when I've been pretty respectful in all this" to continue to drag me down. His main focus seems to be how he will end up financially at the end of it all and has no thought or concern of how it all impacts on me & the kids...thankfully contact is very minimal

 

Since he left he has been abroad twice, been slack with the kids 'let them down', his GF is driving my car and the bank informs me he has stopped paying the mortgage...who is this man I feel trapped and want to move on, I need to sell my house asap...i wish i could divorce him now but have to wait a year! I want to move on!! I've done a letter for him, not sure whether to give it to him or not?? its not aggressive or negative..I suppose I just want to express myself and let him see what he is doing...not that it will change anything, but it gets it off my chest

 

 

I know i'm going to be ok, i can feel it! and have already experienced it!! I have been doing great considering its still really early days...just needed to vent really ... and do an update xxx

 

Thanks for your support and stories this site has given me hope and strength

Edited April 23, 2013 by Shocked Suzie

[ForeverHopeful1]

Thanks for sharing your update! I cannot even comprehend what you have been through or what you are going through. This behaviour is absolutely insane and I hope it ends soon for everyones sake! I dont know how I could get over something like this, and I am not sure you sound like you want to get over it... just move past this crappy, questionable, crazy time in your life. This too shall pass.

 

Hang in there! You have a beautiful outlook and you are rockin' it! Proud of you!!!

[Shocked Suzie]

Thanks for sharing your update! I cannot even comprehend what you have been through or what you are going through. This behaviour is absolutely insane and I hope it ends soon for everyones sake! I dont know how I could get over something like this, and I am not sure you sound like you want to get over it... just move past this crappy, questionable, crazy time in your life. This too shall pass.

 

Hang in there! You have a beautiful outlook and you are rockin' it! Proud of you!!!

 

I pinch myself everyday and wonder what the hell is going on and why! its truly like living a nightmare, his behavior/way of thinking seems unbalanced?? .... i know once im free when the house sells i will be ok and i know i can support myself and my kids in many ways

 

thank you for your kind words, normally i'm certain that I'm doing ok but today is one of those annoying unsettling days...I'll be up & running again very soon

[Shocked Suzie]

Thanks for sharing your update! I cannot even comprehend what you have been through or what you are going through. This behaviour is absolutely insane and I hope it ends soon for everyones sake! I dont know how I could get over something like this, and I am not sure you sound like you want to get over it... just move past this crappy, questionable, crazy time in your life. This too shall pass.

 

Hang in there! You have a beautiful outlook and you are rockin' it! Proud of you!!!

 

I pinch myself everyday and wonder what the hell is going on and why! its truly like living a nightmare, his behavior/way of thinking seems unbalanced?? .... i know once im free when the house sells i will be ok and i know i can support myself and my kids in many ways

 

thank you for your kind words, normally i'm certain that I'm doing ok but today is one of those annoying unsettling days...I'll be up & running again very soon

[Eggplant]

His main focus seems to be how he will end up financially at the end of it all and has no thought or concern of how it all impacts on me & the kids...thankfully contact is very minimal

 

Since he left he has been abroad twice, been slack with the kids 'let them down',

Your story upsets me greatly. I empathize with your position. What if I invest in a man who does this to me and my children? The quoted part is what I react to most strongly. I imagine the scenario in which the WH says, "I am so sorry for what I am doing, but I have to do it. Please forgive me." These words wouldn't make it right, but they would show that he saw his wife who bore his children as a human being and at least felt sorry. But perhaps this scenario is a fantasy. Why? Did he not love you? I wish I could understand.

 

And it's one thing to leave one's wife in certain extreme circumstances, but one NEVER abandons one's children.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've done a letter for him, not sure whether to give it to him or not?? its not aggressive or negative..I suppose I just want to express myself and let him see what he is doing...not that it will change anything, but it gets it off my chest

While I understand the therapeutic value in putting your thoughts down on paper, I wouldn't send the letter. You nailed it - why invest any more energy in someone who's already checked out? You've got plenty on your plate and other things to do.

 

Something else you should prepare yourself for. If this follows the normal arc, somewhere between the 6-9 month mark he'll make tentative overtures about coming back. That seems to be the normal course of things and that's where my WS came to her senses. I wasn't interested but you may, depending on circumstances, feel differently.

 

Congrats on keeping things together for your kids. There needs to be at least one adult in each family ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Shocked Suzie]

Your story upsets me greatly. I empathize with your position. What if I invest in a man who does this to me and my children? The quoted part is what I react to most strongly. I imagine the scenario in which the WH says, "I am so sorry for what I am doing, but I have to do it. Please forgive me." These words wouldn't make it right, but they would show that he saw his wife who bore his children as a human being and at least felt sorry. But perhaps this scenario is a fantasy. Why? Did he not love you? I wish I could understand.

 

And it's one thing to leave one's wife in certain extreme circumstances, but one NEVER abandons one's children.

 

Wish i could understand lol...He has only once sincerely said that he was sorry, never shown any remorse since he left. He even has said in an email and again over the phone (after a really civilized conversation) that his only regret is leaving the kids, he doesn't regret leaving me? the day before he left he told me he loved me and always would, we was also always affectionate even up until to the day before he left.

 

I and all my friends/family are in shock he was a much liked/loved person, if we'd been having dramas id understand all this better, but we wasn't. If i could only tell you some of the things he has said and done, little things but totally head screwing and he's regularly contradicting himself... he has so much anger towards me, its so hard to explain. He has from day one acted like the victim in all this..so weird and confusing. I cant win with him everything i do or say he's not happy with or doesn't agree with... so i just stopped trying, any contact is very basic & minimal which is difficult as we have serious financial situation to deal with... maybe that has a lot to do with it maybe he doesn't want to face that and us three...guilt what he has done? i think fantasy maybe right

 

I've always said he can see the kids whenever he wants, for the kids stability and in the early days we arranged that he's see the kids when i'm not about, when im at work...he now classing this as babysitting at my convenience ?? wtf?? my kids are teens they don't need him to be there whilst im at work but thought it would be a good opportunity for him to see them on a regular basis with me not about? ive said to him that he can arrange to see them other days which he rarely does and then accuses me of restricting him seeing them...confused?? seriously he was a good husband and a great dad its all so sad. I think a lot of his frustration is that things haven't totally gone his way as both of my kids are refusing to meet the GF, i've not got involved in their decision in this, only in first few weeks i told him to leave it a while before introducing her to them to ensure he's was 100% happy with the GF...which he ignored, but on his two attempts the kids got upset and said a firm NO

 

anyway i give up, ive wasted so much time trying to work him out, i was convinced in the early days its a midlife thing, slight depression and some deep inward issues from his childhood...its just sad he didn't give me the opportunity to help him with all that.

 

thanks for you kind words and thoughts... i hope one day i can trust again, not sure if i will...i hope i can x

[thefooloftheyear]

Wish i could understand lol...He has only once sincerely said that he was sorry, never shown any remorse since he left. He even has said in an email and again over the phone (after a really civilized conversation) that his only regret is leaving the kids, he doesn't regret leaving me? the day before he left he told me he loved me and always would, we was also always affectionate even up until to the day before he left.

 

I and all my friends/family are in shock he was a much liked/loved person, if we'd been having dramas id understand all this better, but we wasn't. If i could only tell you some of the things he has said and done, little things but totally head screwing and he's regularly contradicting himself... he has so much anger towards me, its so hard to explain. He has from day one acted like the victim in all this..so weird and confusing. I cant win with him everything i do or say he's not happy with or doesn't agree with... so i just stopped trying, any contact is very basic & minimal which is difficult as we have serious financial situation to deal with... maybe that has a lot to do with it maybe he doesn't want to face that and us three...guilt what he has done? i think fantasy maybe right

 

I've always said he can see the kids whenever he wants, for the kids stability and in the early days we arranged that he's see the kids when i'm not about, when im at work...he now classing this as babysitting at my convenience ?? wtf?? my kids are teens they don't need him to be there whilst im at work but thought it would be a good opportunity for him to see them on a regular basis with me not about? ive said to him that he can arrange to see them other days which he rarely does and then accuses me of restricting him seeing them...confused?? seriously he was a good husband and a great dad its all so sad. I think a lot of his frustration is that things haven't totally gone his way as both of my kids are refusing to meet the GF, i've not got involved in their decision in this, only in first few weeks i told him to leave it a while before introducing her to them to ensure he's was 100% happy with the GF...which he ignored, but on his two attempts the kids got upset and said a firm NO

 

anyway i give up, ive wasted so much time trying to work him out, i was convinced in the early days its a midlife thing, slight depression and some deep inward issues from his childhood...its just sad he didn't give me the opportunity to help him with all that.

 

thanks for you kind words and thoughts... i hope one day i can trust again, not sure if i will...i hope i can x

 

 

I followed your story. You are a terrific woman and he is an idiot. I wish you well. I think from the sound of it this affair will not last long.

 

Just hang in there.

 

TFY

[Shocked Suzie]

While I understand the therapeutic value in putting your thoughts down on paper, I wouldn't send the letter. You nailed it - why invest any more energy in someone who's already checked out? You've got plenty on your plate and other things to do.

 

Something else you should prepare yourself for. If this follows the normal arc, somewhere between the 6-9 month mark he'll make tentative overtures about coming back. That seems to be the normal course of things and that's where my WS came to her senses. I wasn't interested but you may, depending on circumstances, feel differently.

 

Congrats on keeping things together for your kids. There needs to be at least one adult in each family ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

thanks, you are right.. thankfully i decided not to send it i think writing it helped me get it off my chest and glad i didn't send it, it would have been a total waste of time and would have just caused more conflict as no matter what i say or do he finds a way to criticize.

 

I've had a few people say the same thing to me about him trying to come back, i cant see it atm...and no i wouldn't take him back, he has caused so much damage and hurt...when i see him i feel nothing, he's not the man i loved & married...he chose another woman over me, no way would i take him back.

 

My kids are my world and once ive moved i will feel so much better within myself...the money situation and loosing my home is dragging me down, but its something that has to happen for us to move forward...its only money, i can start again. .. onward n upwards

[Shocked Suzie]

I followed your story. You are a terrific woman and he is an idiot. I wish you well. I think from the sound of it this affair will not last long.

 

Just hang in there.

 

TFY

 

 

thank you your very kind ...ive been advised to move fast for this very reason! i will be a very different ball game if he ends up homeless!

[Steadfast]

You can't help people who don't want to be helped Suzie. Then again, who would want a man so self-centered that he chooses an outsider over his wife and children? You want proof of his true feelings? You have it.

 

Betrayed spouses are hyper-sensitive when things are fresh and you're no different. In time, his words and actions will have little effect on you. The heart grows cold towards such treatment. When he recognizes this...when he senses that you've 'left the building', he'll taste just a little of the meal you were forced to digest. You won't 'teach' him. He'll learn on his own. Remember, the OW can't give him what you can. It isn't possible.

 

Focus on what's needed emotionally for your kids and financially for your family. Ignore his concerns. Demand every penny you deserve. Place your foot on the side of his head and push. Believe me, the OW's 'love and devotion' will be severely tested when the bills come due.

 

Take care of YOU so you can take care of them. Many kids these days don't have a good parent, at least your kids have one. Your strength is admirable and your search for truth understandable. The strength will grow, the understanding might not. Don't let it drag you down.

[worldgonewrong]

My kids are my world and once ive moved i will feel so much better within myself...the money situation and loosing my home is dragging me down, but its something that has to happen for us to move forward...its only money, i can start again. .. onward n upwards

 

I have tears in my eyes reading this - of sadness but also happiness for you. Your optimism, your resilience -- God, I pray you keep these wonderful things about you during this hard (temporary) stretch.

 

And Steadfast's words are right --

In time, his words and actions will have little effect on you. The heart grows cold towards such treatment. When he recognizes this...when he senses that you've 'left the building', he'll taste just a little of the meal you were forced to digest. You won't 'teach' him. He'll learn on his own.

 

So true.

[Gunny376]

And Steadfast's words are right --

Quote:

 

In time, his words and actions will have little effect on you. The heart grows cold towards such treatment. When he recognizes this...when he senses that you've 'left the building', he'll taste just a little of the meal you were forced to digest. You won't 'teach' him. He'll learn on his own.

 

 

When one dances with the devil? You don't change Him? He changes YOU!!!

[Cali408]

He doesn't deserve you. As someone whose wife took him back twice, the cruelest thing one can do is give someone hope and then squash it. I would suggest just moving on. You don't leave a marriage for someone else. You leave because it can't be repaired. Take him to the cleaners financially and don't give in. Don't have any contact other than through a lawyer unless it has to do with the logistics of the children.

[Shocked Suzie]

You can't help people who don't want to be helped Suzie. Then again, who would want a man so self-centered that he chooses an outsider over his wife and children? You want proof of his true feelings? You have it.

 

Betrayed spouses are hyper-sensitive when things are fresh and you're no different. In time, his words and actions will have little effect on you. The heart grows cold towards such treatment. When he recognizes this...when he senses that you've 'left the building', he'll taste just a little of the meal you were forced to digest. You won't 'teach' him. He'll learn on his own. Remember, the OW can't give him what you can. It isn't possible.

 

Focus on what's needed emotionally for your kids and financially for your family. Ignore his concerns. Demand every penny you deserve. Place your foot on the side of his head and push. Believe me, the OW's 'love and devotion' will be severely tested when the bills come due.

 

Take care of YOU so you can take care of them. Many kids these days don't have a good parent, at least your kids have one. Your strength is admirable and your search for truth understandable. The strength will grow, the understanding might not. Don't let it drag you down.

 

I suppose its just taken some time for me to get my head around "this stranger" was he like this before...when i was with him...it all just doesn't add up, its taken some time for my head to calm down and me to start to condition my brain to stop wondering the whys and hows...yes it doesn't matter anymore and I need to focus on more important things...and toughen up

 

thanks you for you advise and kind words im feeling so much better today thankfully

[Shocked Suzie]

I have tears in my eyes reading this - of sadness but also happiness for you. Your optimism, your resilience -- God, I pray you keep these wonderful things about you during this hard (temporary) stretch.

 

And Steadfast's words are right --

 

So true.

 

thank you and i will, i have so far...the more he does and the longer time goes on i get stronger each day and am proud to say that i know who i am and what my values are...that has not and will not ever falter

 

xxxx thank you all so much xxxx

 

sadly i dont think there will be anything left financially....i am the winner here i have my kids, thats all im bothered about

[Shocked Suzie]

Feel just a lil bit stressed I'm so worried!! got some legal advice today and really things are pretty grim...what a mess! Due to lack of funds, I've been advised to try to come to financial agreements through our own communication, I really don't want to do this but I have no choice...so frustrated that I'm trying to deal with so many emotions and on top of it all I have to be the one who gets the ball rolling over house sale etc.. to top it all off, I called the bank today and he's still not paid the mortgage...it just gets worse and worse what is his problem!!! I suppose I've just gotta bite the bullet and deal with it, cause I can't rely on him and I need to get this sorted and the house sold before it gets any worse

 

Wish I could go into hibernation

[2sure]

Coming to financial agreement through your own communication is very very rarely possible when there are children, assets, and debt involved.

 

Was it an attorney who told you this? You want to look at your family court website.

[2sure]

I see that it was. I asked because although your accepting the marriage is over without completely freaking out at him is right.....we don't want you rolling over anymore here. Ya know?

[Shocked Suzie]

This was a free solicitor that suggested it, I will make one attempt for mutual agreement and then go back to my private solicitor and swallow the cost. If he keeps up not paying the mortgage I'm pretty much stuffed and we'll both owe the bank money at the end of all this... I can't believe he seems to have decided to stop payments, the bank has been trying to get hold of him all week apparently. With regards to my children they are teenagers so they've decided where they want to be, I'm happy for him to have has much contact as he wants as they are with me full time.

 

 

X

[Shocked Suzie]

I see that it was. I asked because although your accepting the marriage is over without completely freaking out at him is right.....we don't want you rolling over anymore here. Ya know?

 

It's ok I won't I'm just tired and so over his .... I don't know what to call it lol

Edited April 26, 2013 by Shocked Suzie

[Shocked Suzie]

Sent it as suggested and I've been ignored...am I surprised....not really, but I'm scared stiff and feel like I'm getting dragged backwards! What the hell am I gonna do!!! i was emotionally doing so well and now this....does he not understand the long term damage he is doing, what is he thinking! I want to hide...run! On top of everything else this is a nightmare, what a mess

[Shocked Suzie]

Had a pretty mentally dark weekend, I a very different way than the first few weeks....because I can see and feel the difference in this, I'm taking it a part of the healing course. I wonder when the shock of all this passes... I do feel that if it wasn't for the fact I have to sell up I feel I'd be much more settled.

 

I received an email back, all stating pretty much what I'm happy with... Just have to see if he sticks to his word on these final stages. He mentioned about divorce (we have to wait 1yr here) that felt odd, although I did say when he left that I would naturally want one... Still felt very final and that it all does feel that 16yrs together means very little to him.

 

He has asked that he has the kids every wknd, which I understand but my children aren't happy with this .. That's the next hurdle I suppose! I've said to the kids to hear him out and to speak their minds as to what they want, they are old enough to do this... I said I'd support whatever they wished

 

 

Wish I could fast forward a year or two....

 

 

Hanging in there x

[Steen719]

Had a pretty mentally dark weekend, I a very different way than the first few weeks....because I can see and feel the difference in this, I'm taking it a part of the healing course. I wonder when the shock of all this passes... I do feel that if it wasn't for the fact I have to sell up I feel I'd be much more settled.

 

I received an email back, all stating pretty much what I'm happy with... Just have to see if he sticks to his word on these final stages. He mentioned about divorce (we have to wait 1yr here) that felt odd, although I did say when he left that I would naturally want one... Still felt very final and that it all does feel that 16yrs together means very little to him.

 

He has asked that he has the kids every wknd, which I understand but my children aren't happy with this .. That's the next hurdle I suppose! I've said to the kids to hear him out and to speak their minds as to what they want, they are old enough to do this... I said I'd support whatever they wished

 

 

Wish I could fast forward a year or two....

 

 

Hanging in there x

 

Sorry, Suzie. I know the feeling that it seems like everything that can go wrong does. I have lost my home because my XH would not pay his half if I left, would not stay by himself and make payments and would not let me stay by myself and make payments. He has conveniently forgotten all of this now, but here we are 16 months after the last payment...who owns the house now? The bank. Not foreclosed yet, but he filed Bankruptcy and so I will have to also, despite the fact that I have paid rent and all of my bills on time (except house) and am the only one helping my son in college.

 

Here is the thing. I KNOW how hard this is - 22 years here. I have always owned a house, before him....not now, not for a while now. You see, I just had to accept what it was. I went to 2 different attorneys to try to figure something out and I couldn't. I was going to lose my credit and my house and short of coming into a bunch of money to just pay for the house, I could not do anything about it. The house, my son, H's betrayal, his pathetic attempts every so often to see my son,but only rarely seeming to make it happen - even on father's day.

 

Chances are good that he will come back around telling you he was crazy, he still cares, etc., but also the chances are that you will have moved on. You are strong and you are compassionate, as evidenced by your posts, and you will get through it all and maybe even feel a little sorry for him when he does this, but you will know that for everything you are going through now, there are days of dancing around the house just because you are happy still ahead.

 

Keep your chin up, deal with all of this head on, call your private solicitor and sock it to him. He is NOT worried about you; he is only worried about himself. Protect yourself in every way possible and keep being a great mom. Let him worry about being a great dad.

[Shocked Suzie]

Thank you Steen

 

it has taken me some time to get my head around my lifestyle change, ive always been very fortunate even as a child...i try to look at it in that of course ive been very lucky in my lifetime so far. The fact that i know what its like to have nice things, will make me try to achieve them again "just in a more tailored way to my new lifestyle" i already value things more and am getting enjoyment out of simple things...so yes not much to do but except it hey

 

Im sorry to hear what you have been going through too, not sure what your relationship was like before you broke up, but that's another thing i find hard to get my head around...the coldness

 

i hope things settle for you soon and hope you have happiness... i will feel so much happier when ive moved out, the stress of banks calling and not knowing were n whats going on and where we'll end up is doing my head in! thanks goodness for family and friends...and LS

 

thank you for your kind words