Suffering two losses

[ViresSanctity]

I don't think I've fully healed from sister's passing away. It's been a year and two months.

 

When my ex-girlfriend came into my life six months ago, I thought I had recovered and felt only momentary sadness once in awhile.

 

I would always take my ex to visit my sister's grave and we'd talk to her, and ask her to watch over us to keep us happy together.

 

Now I can't even go there alone without feeling double the loss and double the pain. The morphine wore off and it was like losing my sister all over again, because in a lot of ways my ex-reminded so much of what my sister was like.

 

When my sister passed away I talked to so many people, and talked about all the happy memories we shared with her. It really helped that so many people knew her and loved her. We drank, we cried, we all laughed together. I knew I didn't suffer alone.

 

But then one day everyone moved on with their lives, and no one talks about it anymore. I see her still in my dreams coming to check on me. In fact I'm the only who still sees her often. No one gets to see these dreams with me but me. I wish I could share it with my other family members. Her suicide never gave us a chance to say good-bye, and seeing her in my dreams is a cruel tease.

 

 

I dreamed of her again four nights ago, the night before I separated from my ex. She looked frustrated with me and tried telling me something. I couldn't make it out before the dream ended.

 

The next day my ex and I argued out of anger, pain and resentment. It was nothing new. We've broken up three times before. I was in disbelief after I got text this time instead, and never a phone call from her. It was real this time - we really are separating and are never contacting each other again. I had her delete my number and I deleted hers.

 

She might as well be another person in my life who has died from this world. This time I suffer the passing away alone, in a personal struggle. There is no one here to bare the weight from shoulder. No friends, no connections, no family within our circle. Some might say that's a good thing to get over her without reminders. No one knew her but me. She was an affair partner and our secret. But I want someone out there to acknowledge my memory of her the same they acknowledged my sister when she passed away. Someday I'd like to sit down with my parents and confess to them, "Mom. Dad. I was in a relationship with a married woman. I fell in love with her, and she took away all the pain my sister left. I know I was wrong and you guys would never teach me to do that. Please lecture me." and I imagine some disappointment on their faces but later turning into understanding and sympathy. I won't have to suffer silently anymore

 

I imagine I'll move on without anyone holding my hand through it all this time.