Is this a big deal or should I forget about it?

[confused_as_usual]

Just curious, I've been separated from my husband for quite some time. He came home one day and decided to leave me, after seeing a therapist four times. We were supposed to have gone to couples counseling, but he made this decision alone. I don't know what's going to happen down the road, as there are a lot of questions in my mind.

 

One of them has to do with a trip he took to see his brother in California. He went alone and was gone for a week. When he got back home, I found a porn video and some lubricant in his suitcase. His brother works during the day. I confronted him and he got angry and would not really explain it, but I didn't understand why he felt the need to do this (he'd bought the video the day before coming home to me). I have visions of him sitting in his brother's apartment masturbating one day in advance of coming home. Yes, our sex life was never the greatest. Is this a big deal or am I making more of it than I should? I guess it just made me feel like he didn't want me.

 

Confused

[seahorse]

Hi,

 

Just to sort of answer your last question first, when I masturbate, it's not because I don't want my bf, it's because he's in the next county!! Lots of men (and women) masturbate for relief of sexual tension, and because no-one quite knows how to get a person off like they themselves can. So, your husband's masturbating with lube and a porn video could have had nothing to do with you at all. Making love with, and having orgasms with a partner, is completely different to self-love.

 

Having said that, if your sex life "was never the greatest": any idea why that was? No passion? You/he didn't want to? I think when other areas of a marriage are struggling, especially for the woman, she goes off sex. She needs to feel loved, cherished, appreciated and protected, and if either or all of these things are not there, she may not be emotionally happy and will not want to have sex.

 

This just makes things worse from the bloke's point of view, because I think that it's only when he has good sex that he feels "loved, cherished, appreciated and protected"!! Sex is the way that men like to express their love.

 

 

Anyway, I'm rambling a bit now. It just seems to me that this one thing is is just that. One thing that your mind mulls over in the wee small hours, and no amount of worrying at it on your own is going to fix things. Are you seeing your husband at all? Are you getting a divorce?