My Story. What should I make of this?

[FlyerFan54]

Hello All. I'm new around here. I've been checking out this place for a while, and it seemed like a good place to tell my story. However, I'm not one of those people that will come in here, post one thing, and leave. I'm the type that can read any other person's situation with ease...but it's impossible to read my own. I'm analytical and cognitive in almost everything I do, with women being no exception. So, this makes it difficult for me to follow my own advice. Regardless, I'll be contributing to this forum a lot.

 

However, I will warn you this thread will be long. I notice a lot of details are left out in some threads, so it's sometimes hard to give a good response. This post will be as detailed as possible, only so people can see exactly what's going on.

 

Let me preface this by saying that I have little personal dating experience. My last relationship ended in 2006. I didn't date in high school or college, and four years after graduating, I am just starting to pick the whole dating thing up. I used to be the fat kid when I was younger, so my confidence was never there until I lost a ton of weight and got in shape. That's when I decided to start dating. I've dated a little over the past year and a half, but that's it. For me, picking up on signs from women is about as easy as reading the bible upside down...and in Arabic...haha. Overall, I'm just trying to get a feel of where I am at with this situation I'm in now.

 

I met this girl a little over a month ago and we hit it off. Our roommates are seeing each other, and we wound up meeting at a party over a friend's house. The next day after meeting her she sent me a text just to say hi. Since she works two jobs and her schedule is crazy, we've hung out only on the weekends. We hung out together as a group the weekend after, and she let me crash over her house. She asked me to stay over by saying "Just so you know I like the inside of the bed." We hooked up that night but nothing more. She had to leave for work really early, but she let me stay in her bed and sleep even after she left. When I woke up, I made her bed for her, and left her a note thanking her. She later text me thanking me for making her bed and she was "Impressed" by it.

 

A week later I took her on a date. I gave her a single flower before I helped her into my car, and I took her to a really nice Italian restaurant. We had great conversation and she really enjoyed herself. Afterwards, we met up with a few of her work friends because one of them was having a birthday get-together. I wound up staying over her place again, and we wound up doing the bad thing. The next week she invited me up again. What caught my eye was that she still had the flower in a vase on her table. We watched a movie, enjoyed some wine, hopped up on the good foot and did the bad thing again haha.

 

At this point we were texting every day. Initation was about 50/50 and it was pretty normal conversation. She had a habit to suddenly stop conversation, but it would start up once again at some point during the day. One night she even text me saying she wished we were snuggling, and if she were not housesitting her parents, I would have went. One Friday she mentioned the weather was perfect for cuddling, and I told her I've been wanting to cuddle with her all week. She did too.

 

It seems like we're off to a good start! Well this is where it begins to change.

 

So during the week, I ask if we are hanging out this weekend. She said her schedule was crazy and she had a family party on Saturday, but although it would be late she wanted to see me. When I went over she seemed really out of it and she said she was really tired. I understood completely because she worked all day then went to this party. Not to mention she was at the hospital the day before with her grandfather, and she was nervous about hearing back from a new job. So I knew she was stressed. She had a little too much to drink before she went to sleep, and felt sick, so nothing happened that night. Which to be honest, I didn't mind. She didn't even want to snuggle until the early morning.

 

When we woke up, I mentioned how I we should try to see each other sometime during the week. She said it's tough because of her work schedule. I said I know, but when she's free I didn't mind coming over even for a few minutes because I work around the corner from her house. She said that was fine. I helped her fix her screen door and left. I didn't hear from her the rest of her day, but I knew she wasn't feeling well. I text her and thanked her for letting me come over. It took her a few hours, but she replied "Thanks for coming and fixing the door. You didn't have to do that" I told her no problem and said I enjoyed doing that kind of thing. A few hours later, I figured I'd catch her off-guard and call her to say goodnight, and ask her out to dinner after work on Tuesday. I know that she has time on Tuesday nights, and given that she was ok with seeing me during the week, I figured I'd give it a whirl. I called, no answer. So to avoid any weirdness, I shot her a good night text and asked her for Tuesday. She replied by saying she fell asleep for a while, but mentioned she couldn't do it because she had a work thing to do late. I said no problem, if you want I can bring dessert and we can catch an episode of a show we watch.

 

No response.

 

The next day, I had a miserable work day. It started and ended poorly, and I didn't feel like talking to anyone (a rarity for me). I didn't hear from her all day which was unusual, and it wasn't until later that evening that she responded. She mentioned that it was really hard for her to do anything during the week right now but hopefully if she got the new job she could stop her weeknights at her other job. I completely understood, but I was still frustrated by the day I had, so I replied "Ok Cool!" I didn't hear from her the rest of the night.

 

The next morning I felt kind of bad that I blew her off, so I sent her a good morning text and said I was sorry for not being chatty, but it was a rough day. She almost immediately replied and said it was ok hers was crazy as well. We sent a few texts back and forth, and it stopped. I didn't hear from her the rest of the day, and all day the next. While I understood she had a lot going on, it was out of the ordinary. I text her Thursday morning and said good morning, and once again she immediately responded. I asked why she was so quiet this week, and she said it was just a crazy week. She mentioned she was really frustrated about not hearing from the other job as well, and went on a tangent about it. We chatted for a bit, and once again it stopped. Later that night I sent a good night text, and she responded freaking out about a spider in her bathroom. She mentioned it was watching her shower. I made light of it by saying it got a good show, and to find a shoe and smack it. She said it ran away and that was it.

 

The next day I said good morning, and we went back and forth for most of the day. We joked about the spider and I sent her a misunderstood spider meme which she enjoyed. The chit chat stopped later on in the day, but all was fine. I figured if anything, she needed some space. Saturday, my roommate told me he was hanging with her roommate and I should ask her to hang out as well. I was reluctant, because I did not want to be pushy. However, I went ahead and did it anyway. It took her a few hours to respond, but she said "Sorry it took me so long to get back to you but I already have plans tonight ." I said it was fine and threw out the idea of her coming down next weekend. By that time I was a little curious as to what as going on, so i asked "By the way, I noticed you were pretty quiet this week. I know you had a crazy week, but as a friend I just want to make sure everything is ok." She was appreciative and thanked me for asking, but said she just had a lot going on and everything was fine. She then told me that next weekend she was going to be in my neighborhood for a friend's birthday and that my roommate and I were invited. I told her to have fun and that I was going to see some friends from home for the night, and to text me tomorrow when she had time. She said ok sounds good.

 

She held up with her word, and asked me how my night was the following afternoon. It was only two or three quick texts and the conversation stopped. I figured at this point, she needs space. So I feel the best thing is that I would just sit back and let her come to me.

 

Here's why I am confused and why I am posting this story. I can't figure this whole thing out, mainly because I don't know what this is. I completely understand that she has a life of her own. I also know she's been under a lot of stress lately, and I've been trying to back off because of it. What I am confused about though is why I feel like we went from 5th back to 2nd gear. As I read this, I think that everything is normal...but I've got a feeling that something just isn't quite right.

 

Now don't get me wrong...I'm neither scared or freaking out about this hahaha. There's no reason at all I shouldn't be confident. I am mainly just more concerned because I feel like that I may have done something wrong, but I can't figure out what. I'm also confused as to why she would text me constantly just talking about stuff, suddenly to days without even saying hello. It's the type of deal where I want to go put a small bouquet of flowers on her doorstep to make her feel better, but at the same time I think that would come across very creepy.

 

I know I am probably thinking way too much due to analyzing everything, but it seems like with women, I wind up complicating things on my end because I don't simplify them. It's not a matter of what should I do...but more of what can I do from here, because I'm not quite sure exactly what this is. Mainly I am only confused because I haven't dated much.

 

I thank you in advance for any comments, and appreciate you taking the time to read this. I look forward to chatting with you all soon. If I left anything out (haha), let me know.

[Poppy fields]

Give her lots of space and start to make plans that don't include her. For your own well being. Otherwise I think you are going to scare this one off. Doesn't sound like she is in a place to spend a lot of time on a relationship. Maybe things will change if she gets the new job, but I wouldn't count in it.

[clia]

I think she likes you, but may have thought things moved too quickly so is taking a step back. Additionally, she sounds very busy right now. It's normal for texting and communication to slow down a bit, especially when one party to the relationship is stressed and busy.

 

It struck me while reading your post that you are texting her a lot and coming across as very needy. You seem to be expecting a high frequency of communication for this stage in the relationship. Be wary of getting too smothering. You are very early on in the relationship, and pushing too much can backfire -- especially when the other person is already stressed out and busy. Don't add to her stress level. For example:

 

When we woke up, I mentioned how I we should try to see each other sometime during the week. She said it's tough because of her work schedule. I said I know, but when she's free I didn't mind coming over even for a few minutes because I work around the corner from her house. She said that was fine. I helped her fix her screen door and left.

 

Great, so you stayed the night and saw her in the morning.

 

I didn't hear from her the rest of her day, but I knew she wasn't feeling well. I text her and thanked her for letting me come over.

 

This is unnecessary.

 

It took her a few hours, but she replied "Thanks for coming and fixing the door. You didn't have to do that" I told her no problem and said I enjoyed doing that kind of thing.

 

Again, unnecessary texting.

 

A few hours later, I figured I'd catch her off-guard and call her to say goodnight, and ask her out to dinner after work on Tuesday. I know that she has time on Tuesday nights, and given that she was ok with seeing me during the week, I figured I'd give it a whirl. I called, no answer.

 

Another call, same day. Further, you ask her out for a week night when that very morning she told you week nights were difficult for her given her work schedule. That's annoying behavior. It makes it seem like you weren't listening to her.

 

So to avoid any weirdness, I shot her a good night text and asked her for Tuesday.

 

Another text. I feel smothered just reading this. Why didn't you ask her out when you were at her house that morning?

 

She replied by saying she fell asleep for a while, but mentioned she couldn't do it because she had a work thing to do late. I said no problem, if you want I can bring dessert and we can catch an episode of a show we watch.

 

She says no, you push more. Smother, smother, smother.

 

The next day, I had a miserable work day. It started and ended poorly, and I didn't feel like talking to anyone (a rarity for me). I didn't hear from her all day which was unusual, and it wasn't until later that evening that she responded. She mentioned that it was really hard for her to do anything during the week right now but hopefully if she got the new job she could stop her weeknights at her other job.

 

Now she's had to tell you twice that doing things during the week is hard for her. If I'm her, I"m wondering why you aren't getting it.

 

I completely understood, but I was still frustrated by the day I had, so I replied "Ok Cool!" I didn't hear from her the rest of the night.

 

There was nothing wrong with your response, and nothing wrong with her not responding. Seriously, you are a month in -- you don't need to be having conversations over text all day long. Further, how did you expect her to respond to "Ok Cool!" That doesn't require a response.

 

The next morning I felt kind of bad that I blew her off, so I sent her a good morning text and said I was sorry for not being chatty, but it was a rough day.

 

You didn't blow her off, but okay.

 

She almost immediately replied and said it was ok hers was crazy as well. We sent a few texts back and forth, and it stopped. I didn't hear from her the rest of the day, and all day the next. While I understood she had a lot going on, it was out of the ordinary.

 

Out of the ordinary for the month you've known her? You know she's got a crazy schedule going on...

 

I text her Thursday morning and said good morning, and once again she immediately responded. I asked why she was so quiet this week, and she said it was just a crazy week. She mentioned she was really frustrated about not hearing from the other job as well, and went on a tangent about it. We chatted for a bit, and once again it stopped. Later that night I sent a good night text, and she responded freaking out about a spider in her bathroom. She mentioned it was watching her shower. I made light of it by saying it got a good show, and to find a shoe and smack it. She said it ran away and that was it.

 

Okay, so this all sounds fine.

 

The next day I said good morning, and we went back and forth for most of the day. We joked about the spider and I sent her a misunderstood spider meme which she enjoyed. The chit chat stopped later on in the day, but all was fine. I figured if anything, she needed some space.

 

Okay, fine.

 

Saturday, my roommate told me he was hanging with her roommate and I should ask her to hang out as well. I was reluctant, because I did not want to be pushy. However, I went ahead and did it anyway. It took her a few hours to respond, but she said "Sorry it took me so long to get back to you but I already have plans tonight ."

 

So, you know full well that it is difficult for her to see you on weeknights, yet you don't nail down Saturday night with her in advance? You ask her out for Saturday night on Saturday? What? If I was her, I'd be wondering what the heck you were thinking. What about Sunday? Why not ask her out for Sunday?

 

I said it was fine and threw out the idea of her coming down next weekend. By that time I was a little curious as to what as going on, so i asked "By the way, I noticed you were pretty quiet this week. I know you had a crazy week, but as a friend I just want to make sure everything is ok."

 

This is also starting to feel really smothering. She's already told you how busy she is, and it almost seems like you are guilt tripping her here. Again, there is really nothing abnormal about not texting all day long or going a day sometimes without talking to someone you've been dating only a month.

 

She was appreciative and thanked me for asking, but said she just had a lot going on and everything was fine.

 

And she's telling you the same thing she's already told you several times. She's busy.

 

She then told me that next weekend she was going to be in my neighborhood for a friend's birthday and that my roommate and I were invited. I told her to have fun and that I was going to see some friends from home for the night, and to text me tomorrow when she had time. She said ok sounds good.

 

All right, good. So now you have plans to see her next weekend.

 

She held up with her word, and asked me how my night was the following afternoon. It was only two or three quick texts and the conversation stopped. I figured at this point, she needs space. So I feel the best thing is that I would just sit back and let her come to me.

 

Two or three quick texts on a Sunday is perfectly fine.

 

Here's why I am confused and why I am posting this story. I can't figure this whole thing out, mainly because I don't know what this is. I completely understand that she has a life of her own. I also know she's been under a lot of stress lately, and I've been trying to back off because of it.

 

I don't think you understand this at all. It really seems like you are expecting a high frequency of communication for a very new relationship. It's perfectly normal to see someone once or twice a week in a new relationship. It's perfectly normal not to talk every single day.

 

What I am confused about though is why I feel like we went from 5th back to 2nd gear. As I read this, I think that everything is normal...but I've got a feeling that something just isn't quite right.

 

Honestly, it sounds normal to me from what you've written. She's going through a busy, stressful time. I really think you should just chill out and relax.

 

Now don't get me wrong...I'm neither scared or freaking out about this hahaha.

 

Sure you are. If you weren't, you wouldn't be posting a novella on Loveshack.

 

There's no reason at all I shouldn't be confident. I am mainly just more concerned because I feel like that I may have done something wrong, but I can't figure out what. I'm also confused as to why she would text me constantly just talking about stuff, suddenly to days without even saying hello.

 

When did she go days without saying hello? I think you mentioned one day where you didn't hear from her. Seriously, I've been dating my boyfriend a lot longer than a month and sometimes we go a day without talking when one or both of us are busy. It's no big deal. She's busy.

 

It's the type of deal where I want to go put a small bouquet of flowers on her doorstep to make her feel better, but at the same time I think that would come across very creepy.

 

Yes, it would be creepy. Don't do this.

 

Also, why are you calling sex "the bad thing"???

[FlyerFan54]

Give her lots of space and start to make plans that don't include her. For your own well being. Otherwise I think you are going to scare this one off. Doesn't sound like she is in a place to spend a lot of time on a relationship. Maybe things will change if she gets the new job, but I wouldn't count in it.

 

You're absolutely right, on all accounts. I think I came into this a little too excited, and need to tone it back...a lot.

[FlyerFan54]

Clia - Thanks for breaking that down for me. Until I read that, I had no clue how bad this is coming across. I actually feel really uncomfortable reading all of that....so that kind of hit home for me. Thank you.

 

It's no excuse, but I relate that all to experience and my personality. I'm a very loud, talkative, outgoing, somewhat over-the-top personality. When I do things, I kind of go all-or-nothing. Now I know what I need to work on...keep it toned down and go easy.

 

As for you comment about posting a novella (hahaha) on here is because I don't really talk to many people about this stuff, and writing it down for people who have no clue who I am...it's a fresh perspective.

 

Why do I call it the "bad thing?" Just my sense of humor. It comes off better when I deliver it vocally, so I'll refrain from saying it here.

 

You're right though...I have been too over the top. I'm actually shocked that I haven't taken notice.

 

So should I move on from here, or wait to see what happens next weekend?

[FlyerFan54]

I read it all, heres what I think: you're coming on too strong, too fast. A few times you said you asked her out and she said she couldn't for whatever reason - so you immediately suggested a different date or dessert when she finishes work or whatever? Don't do that.

 

You also told her you can come round for a couple of minutes just to see her or the aforementioned dessert thing - don't do that either.

 

Settling for half a date or pushing too arrange something immediately after she's said no just makes you look way too available to her.

Also you might want to ease up on the goodnight / good morning texts and calls, thats relationship territory and you don't know her that well yet.

 

Like somebody said, make other plans, with other people as well. Don't just work around her schedule - you need to work around each other's schedules. I'm a busy guy and a lot of the girls I date tend to be busy too - if they say they can't make a date I just say ok and don't worry about it, they're normally going to suggest something else within a day or two.

 

I wouldn't say you've lost her completely but you need to start playing it a lot cooler immediately if you want to turn this around.

 

Brick, that makes perfect sense. If she wants to see me or hang out, she will suggest it. I am not going to reach out to her at all anytime before this weekend when I'll see her again (especially after reading Clia's post...Jesus!).

 

If you don't mind me asking, is there anything else I have to do to turn this around? Or just wait and be patient.

[Minneloa]

First of all, OP, let me compliment you on your openness to feedback. You have responded graciously to the opinions you have received thus far, which bodes well for your ability to adapt and try new approaches in relationships.

 

I do agree with Clia's assessment that you may have come on too strong with this woman. However, don't feel too bad about this; you were expressing your enthusiasm and perhaps just went a bit overboard. Something to keep in mind for future "beginnings."

 

As for the current situation, I think the best move is just to back off in terms of communication and see how she responds. It is possible that she will pick up the slack if she gets some breathing room.

 

Either way, good luck to you!

[Joaquin]

When a girl likes you she will bust her ass to see u, to hear from u, to basically get to know u.

 

She just doesn't sound that interested. You do come across quite pushy.

[FlyerFan54]

Minneloa, thank you. I appreciate the kind words.

 

I'm not going to reach out to her all this week, and play it by ear this weekend. I think taking a step back for now and having fun out this weekend with everyone (there will be a lot of us) will make things easier.

 

I won't ignore her, but I'm not gonna be hanging near her the whole time either...know what I mean?

 

Apparently from what I'm being told is that her and her roommate will be crashing over this weekend too. So the best thing I can do is just play it cool.