Broken hearted girl; D-day

[Moemone]

i am currently in a two year relationship with my bf who is 20 years older than i am, i am 23, i have had a rough past, growing up i was abused, all relationships have failed, i do not trust and i do not even know how to trust. i would love to try.

 

my past relationships failed because once i was lied to cheated on and phyically abused and the 2nd i was just used at least thats how i felt and the very first one which was more like puppy love he left for someone else

 

i am confused about the relationship i am in right now, i believe he cares and loves me i do believe that, i met him with a gf he has a gf there for that makes me the other woman she is away for a while at school.

 

i do not trust him sigh i dont really know where to start right now, i dont trust him, when i am with him he spends most of his time on his phone not only speaking to his over seas gf but other women as well and that happens often almost every time, i spoke to him about it i ask him to at least respect my time with him, i told him i feel uncomfortable when im here with him and he spends his time on his phone with other females for long hrs, i feel like its a form of disrespect while he sees it as privacy, he says that he needs privacy, especially when im in his bed he needs his privacy he is not a kid. he seats there laughing and smiling while speaking to these other women and that makes me so uncomfortable and i have ask him and told him exactly how that makes me feel, there has been no change.

 

i dont spend time on my phone as much when he is there infact i put my phone away and speak only to family because i believe its a form of respect. I have wrongly accused him all because of that phone, ive searched the phone and seen that he chats other girls and plans to make time, ive seen private parts and photos of other women. now every time he is on his phone i assume he his chatting some other girl and that makes me so miserable.

 

he is the only guy ive opened up to i do care for him and love him and like i said in some way i believe he cares for me all our fights are because of the phone situation, he says i push him away

 

i feel like i need out of the relationship i have tried to leave but i always come back, i try to leave because i dont think he treats me fairly, and the discomfort i feel when he is always on his phone, and if i say something he ask me to leave, he says stay away if i dont like it and leave him in peace he has a right to privacy. i am hurt i am confused.

 

 

 

am i wrong? does he needs space while am there? what do i do? what do i say? does he need privacy? can i please get some relationship advice. he says i dont know how to behave in a relationship and im not ready for one.

 

 

i need relationship tips. i dont know if im wrong or if i have right.

[So happy together]

Well, I'm sorry that you are unhappy. For me, the thing that bothers me isn't so much what he is doing, it is the simple fact that it is making you miserable. That is what matters. If you are unhappy and he makes you sad, why bother? Nobody deserves to feel that they are being disrespected by their lover.

 

Perhaps it's time to find someone who is willing to give you what you need rather than settling for this unhappy state. I understand that it is difficult when you feel you love someone, but it doesn't really sound like he loves you very much. I know that sounds harsh, I'm sorry. I just believe we have the right to search for happiness. If he is not giving it to you, trust me on one thing, it will never get better. It will get worse. Time to be a little selfish and do what makes you happy.

 

I don't get a lot of time with my guy, as we are long distance, so when we are together, NOTHING else is going on. It is all about us. No phones, no friends, just us. We do things like go to bars, have a drink and talk, snuggle. Walk the city and hold hands, share things that have been happening in our lives. We make love, share food. It is all about us. When he is with you, that is what it should be and if it isn't then he isn't that concerned with you, is he?

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. Perhaps talking to someone would help, even if it is just a close friend.

 

Let us know how it goes. As you get more posts to your query, take what helps, leave the rest. Good luck.

[Moemone]

90% of me wants out because i already know i deserve better in more ways than ever when it comes to this relationship it took me a lil while to realize that, ive also realized that i wont be at much of a lost he isnt really giving me much. the 10% percent of me thats currently in the relationship is emotions, maybe attachment i dont know. i know the right thing to do is to get out its the only way but it just seem so hard i tried no contact on the weekend and oh boy it felt like hell i took the call and im still the one who came back to his place sigh!! i know in my heart that ending it is the best thing, i say i love you and he sends a smile or some times he ask what are you doing all these things are playing in my head over and over. i know i deserve better i know i am worth more.

 

you are right its not getting better and blames only my actions without even acknowledging the fact that im putting so much and not getting anything, im barely getting his attention while im there, i know how i feel and i know im not crazy and i know ive done stuff to him.... im hurt, im confused and right now i am crying

 

thanks!

Edited April 22, 2013 by Moemone
correction

[Cogee]

I don't understand what you think this relationship is. Is it a purely sexual relationship? He has a girlfriend, possibly multiple, and you think he loves you? I hate to break it to you, but he doesn't care about you at all and his actions/words are showing it.

 

He is feeding your insecurity by belittling you and pretending as if you don't know how to behave in a real relationship, when in reality you are not getting anything that a real relationship should offer - trust, communication, and love.

 

You have to sever all ties with this man. No matter what he says, he is lying to you and is saying things to keep you around. It's absolutely ludicrous for him to suggest that you are at fault for feeling uncomfortable with him talking to other women while chatting with them on his phone, sexting, and trying to keep it "private". Don't let your bad past cloud your current situation. Even if you think he loves you, I can assure you from what you have written that he doesn't truly love you at all.

Edited April 22, 2013 by Cogee

[ForeverHopeful1]

Whoa whoa whoa. Back up. What?

 

He is 20 years older. He is a serial cheater. You are there while he is speaking to other women (he's dating as well.) You want to know if you're wrong? Just wanna make sure I have my facts straight before I tell you to go get counselling to figure out why you would firstly put up with this, but secondly why you would date someone your fathers age and thirdly, why the hell you don't know this is NOT normal or ok in any sense of the word. How do you not know THIS IS SICK AND WRONG?

 

Wake up, dump this trashbag and find someone else... Or just be by yourself for a while. A long while!

 

If you are the OW, you can't expect monogamy. You yourself are the girl he is cheating with so its a double standard to hope or assume he should be faithful. He is a LOSER. OLD TOO! You're 23!!!! Do you want children one day or are you willing to forfeit that? I mean, at 43, he isn't going to want your children.

 

What kills me is he is out ****ing other women but blames you for pushing him away??????????????? There is something wrong with both of you. He is a scum bag and you..... You put up with it and own his actions and take the blame. Its sick if you ask me. I think you should be by yourself for a little while to figure out why you're willing to put up with this ****. He's not your boyfriend. He is someone else's boyfriend and a ****ty one at that. He is a serial cheater. You could end up with all sorts of diseases and this man could care less about you.

 

Do yourself a solid and leave, and NEVER EVER LOOK BACK. What a LOSER this guy is.

Edited April 22, 2013 by ForeverHopeful1

[Moemone]

90% of me wants out because i already know i deserve better in more ways than ever when it comes to this relationship it took me a lil while to realize that, ive also realized that i wont be at much of a lost he isnt really giving me much. the 10% percent of me thats currently in the relationship is emotions, maybe attachment i dont know. i know the right thing to do is to get out its the only way but it just seem so hard i tried no contact on the weekend and oh boy it felt like hell i took the call and im still the one who came back to his place sigh!! i know in my heart that ending it is the best thing, i say i love you and he sends a smile or some times he ask what are you doing all these things are playing in my head over and over. i know i deserve better i know i am worth more

[So happy together]

Just out of curiosity, what is it that draws you to him?

[skywriter]

90% of me wants out because i already know i deserve better in more ways than ever when it comes to this relationship it took me a lil while to realize that, ive also realized that i wont be at much of a lost he isnt really giving me much. the 10% percent of me thats currently in the relationship is emotions, maybe attachment i dont know. i know the right thing to do is to get out its the only way but it just seem so hard i tried no contact on the weekend and oh boy it felt like hell i took the call and im still the one who came back to his place sigh!! i know in my heart that ending it is the best thing, i say i love you and he sends a smile or some times he ask what are you doing all these things are playing in my head over and over. i know i deserve better i know i am worth more.

 

you are right its not getting better and blames only my actions without even acknowledging the fact that im putting so much and not getting anything, im barely getting his attention while im there, i know how i feel and i know im not crazy and i know ive done stuff to him.... im hurt, im confused and right now i am crying

 

thanks!

 

You need to print this out and read it back to yourself over and over.

 

Read it when you want to make contact in any way with this man.

 

You don't need to call this man anymore, and if he calls you, don't answer. You'll be so proud of how empowering it is to make a better choice for yourself and stick to it.

 

There will be times when you'll wanna cave in and see him or speak to him, because it truly is like detoxing, but if you will just tough it out and not give into the urge, I swear to you, it will pass.

 

No more, "I love you", text, write it out and send it to someone else, mom, sister, grandma, yourself, just not him.

 

When you feel you've had enough, get busy loving you and moving forward with your life.

[Moemone]

my therapist ask me the same question and i couldnt answer

 

I felt like i was emotionally damaged and at the time or should i say in the begginning he seem to have cared and he ask me to let him in and open up which i did. he would cook, i dont know. and i still think that just maybe he cares but seating here today remmebering the words he has used and the way he treats me, i cant and i wont say **x because he doesnt not make **** to me the same way....

 

sigh!!! i am confused:(. I know and he has shown me that he doesnt deserve me im giving him more than he deserves and he isnt like i said giving me anything not even emotional support theres nothing to really keep me there besides the fact that i care for him. I am praying so eventually, i felt like i needed to see someone because of this relationship and other issues but mainly because of the relationship and what ive allowed it to do to me, the insults got to me sighhh

[Moemone]

You need to print this out and read it back to yourself over and over.

 

Read it when you want to make contact in any way with this man.

 

You don't need to call this man anymore, and if he calls you, don't answer. You'll be so proud of how empowering it is to make a better choice for yourself and stick to it.

 

There will be times when you'll wanna cave in and see him or speak to him, because it truly is like detoxing, but if you will just tough it out and not give into the urge, I swear to you, it will pass.

 

No more, "I love you", text, write it out and send it to someone else, mom, sister, grandma, yourself, just not him.

 

When you feel you've had enough, get busy loving you and moving forward with your life.

 

 

 

 

I tried NC last weekend but i still showed up at his door and i felt like ****, like why did i really come back i guess ill try again a lil harder

[Shabelle]

Priviously posted by "Cogee"

 

 

" I don't understand what you think this relationship is. Is it a purely sexual relationship? He has a girlfriend, possibly multiple, and you think he loves you? I hate to break it to you, but he doesn't care about you at all and his actions/words are showing it.

 

He is feeding your insecurity by belittling you and pretending as if you don't know how to behave in a real relationship, when in reality you are not getting anything that a real relationship should offer - trust, communication, and love.

 

You have to sever all ties with this man. No matter what he says, he is lying to you and is saying things to keep you around. It's absolutely ludicrous for him to suggest that you are at fault for feeling uncomfortable with him talking to other women while chatting with them on his phone, sexting, and trying to keep it "private". Don't let your bad past cloud your current situation. Even if you think he loves you, I can assure you from what you have written that he doesn't truly love you at all."

 

 

I think you can do this just RUN!!!!! It will only cause you more damage mentally and emotion we all know that you care and love him but what about you? Run run

[Moemone]

Priviously posted by "Cogee"

 

 

" I don't understand what you think this relationship is. Is it a purely sexual relationship? He has a girlfriend, possibly multiple, and you think he loves you? I hate to break it to you, but he doesn't care about you at all and his actions/words are showing it.

 

He is feeding your insecurity by belittling you and pretending as if you don't know how to behave in a real relationship, when in reality you are not getting anything that a real relationship should offer - trust, communication, and love.

 

You have to sever all ties with this man. No matter what he says, he is lying to you and is saying things to keep you around. It's absolutely ludicrous for him to suggest that you are at fault for feeling uncomfortable with him talking to other women while chatting with them on his phone, sexting, and trying to keep it "private". Don't let your bad past cloud your current situation. Even if you think he loves you, I can assure you from what you have written that he doesn't truly love you at all."

 

 

I think you can do this just RUN!!!!! It will only cause you more damage mentally and emotion we all know that you care and love him but what about you? Run run

 

 

I believe deep within me that he is sleeping around. He has shown signs of it. maybe if he cared and love me like he says he would understand i guess ill just allow time to deal with him.

Edited April 22, 2013 by Moemone
correction

[Cogee]

90% of me wants out because i already know i deserve better in more ways than ever when it comes to this relationship it took me a lil while to realize that, ive also realized that i wont be at much of a lost he isnt really giving me much. the 10% percent of me thats currently in the relationship is emotions, maybe attachment i dont know. i know the right thing to do is to get out its the only way but it just seem so hard i tried no contact on the weekend and oh boy it felt like hell i took the call and im still the one who came back to his place sigh!! i know in my heart that ending it is the best thing, i say i love you and he sends a smile or some times he ask what are you doing all these things are playing in my head over and over. i know i deserve better i know i am worth more

 

You do deserve better than this. There are many people out there who will see you for who you are, who will understand you, trust you, and give you the love that you deserve. I'm so sorry that you have had a hard time with this and with your past relationships, just know that true love is so much better than this.

 

You know what you have to do. Be strong and stay away from this man. No matter what he says, remind yourself that what he is doing is not right and that you deserve better. Be thankful for what you have learned, and look at ways you can improve yourself. You are so young, and have many things to look forward to in life. Be happy doing what you like doing and you will meet others who share the same things as you.

[skywriter]

I believe deep within me that he is sleeping around. He has shown signs of it. maybe if he cared and love me like he says he would understand i guess ill just allow time to deal with him.

 

 

Given what you believe , please don't put yourself at risk with this guy again. You think your depressed and feeliong bad about yourself now?

 

If he gives you an std, you will feel a whole new level of low.

 

He's the one with the problems, not you, he evidently has to bring you down to build himself up. Once you have had enough time away from him, you'll start feeling better and attracting the kind of guy that'll appreciate you and treat you well.

 

Just try, what have you got to lose?

[ForeverHopeful1]

I believe deep within me that he is sleeping around. He has shown signs of it. maybe if he cared and love me like he says he would understand i guess ill just allow time to deal with him.

 

Did you not say that when you tell him you love him, he texts back with a smile? Or does he actually say I love you to your face?

 

You deserve so much more than this, Hun. Please help yourself.

[ThatJustHappened]

No judgment, just a question. Why do you date married men when you know it probably won't work out in your favor in the end?

[Moemone]

No judgment, just a question. Why do you date married men when you know it probably won't work out in your favor in the end?

 

 

 

He is not married and i never once thought it wouldnt work out in my favor maybe thats all part of where i failed

[skywriter]

He is not married and i never once thought it wouldnt work out in my favor maybe thats all part of where i failed

 

 

Moe,

please don't say you failed. How have you failed? if you feel like you've failed, then look at it, as, you're failing yourself, by giving this undeserving person another minute of your time.

 

 

Go ahead and grieve, give yourself at least three days of NC. Start with that , get through that and be proud of your accomplishment and go for three more days of NC.

 

You should be angry by then.

[Moemone]

Moe,

please don't say you failed. How have you failed? if you feel like you've failed, then look at it, as, you're failing yourself, by giving this undeserving person another minute of your time.

 

 

Go ahead and grieve, give yourself at least three days of NC. Start with that , get through that and be proud of your accomplishment and go for three more days of NC.

 

You should be angry by then.

 

 

Ha! You called me Moe that made my heart race my close friends call me Moe lol... and that i am gonna do. Thank you. Ill try harder every day.

[skywriter]

Ha! You called me Moe that made my heart race my close friends call me Moe lol... and that i am gonna do. Thank you. Ill try harder every day.

 

 

I hope you will do NC for three days and come back to let us know , heck, come here everyday and write down how you are feeling.

 

Just keep busy everyday. If you feel weak come here, call a friend girl, or call someone in the family and say, "I love you" to them instead of ugh, him....

 

You can, you can, you can...(((HUgs Moe)))

[ThatJustHappened]

He is not married and i never once thought it wouldnt work out in my favor maybe thats all part of where i failed

 

Ok, why do you go for men who are in relationships when you know it's not going to work out in your favor? Do you have commitment issues?

[Moemone]

Ok, why do you go for men who are in relationships when you know it's not going to work out in your favor? Do you have commitment issues?

 

 

i have issues but commitment isnt one.

[ThatJustHappened]

i have issues but commitment isnt one.

 

Still haven't answered my first question. Why do you go for unavailable men?

[Shabelle]

The mistake has been made learn from the experience. I've been down that path I'm in the healing process.

[georgia girl]

Moe,

 

You deserve so much more than this man offers you. And, once you get free of him you will see his highly manipulative and destructive behavior. Men who manipulate women tell them they're crazy, do things deliberately to make them feel insecure (like talking to other woman and keeping naughty pictures on their phone) and be deliberately noncomittal.

 

This guy is a bad man. I don't know him and I am perhaps being judgmental. However, at this point, there is not a single thing that I could ever think positively about this man given your stated comments about how he treats you.

 

Conversely, I think you are not so messed up. I think you are a little desperate for love, but aren't we all? I also think you are so infatuated with him and the thrill of the chase that you have fixated on this man. Everything that tells you he's not good for you, you logically understand but emotionally suppress it. Everything that says, "he's just right," you have amplified. Now, you're focused on getting that one man and if he would just treat you right, you would be happy.

 

From an older, wiser lady please let me offer you these relationship tips you came on here for:

 

1) Love yourself first. That means clearly put yourself first in this relationship. Not him. Not the relationship. You and your needs.

2) Feel free to walk away. Trust me, everyone lives to love again. But, you have to be strong enough and love yourself enough to never, ever allow someone who treats you badly to stay in your life.

3) Provide for yourself and let someone compliment you. That means that only you can make you happy. Believe it or not, a man in your life doesn't make you happy. Feeling confident, strong, having good supportive friends, laughing a little at work and being able to look at that lady in the mirror and tell her that she's pretty darned fantastic makes you happy.

4) Set boundaries. I tell my husband that I love him unconditionally - with conditions. It's true. We negotiated terms of endearment. We must treat each other well. We don't take advantage of each other. We don't tell lies and I can guarantee you that from the first date, we never dated another person. If we were getting to know each other, that's where our heads were. To this day, we have boundaries. They are not the "check in before you go somewhere" or "you forgot to do this" type of things. They are: be kind, be good and be happy. Break one of those - and we both do it every once in awhile - and there's a southern brawl down here.

 

Now, advice for when you go out and look for that new guy. First, wait until you truly are happy inside. Don't ever look for someone else to fulfill you. But when you're there, think of these things:

 

1) Does he call and ask me appropriately for a date with enough time in advance? This tells you that he values you and he wants to get himself on your calendar. He's also trying to minimize the chance you will say no by having the date far enough out there - asking Tuesday for the weekend - so that he gets to you before anyone else does. It also means he sees you as busy, productive and vital. A woman with a life on her own. He will respect and admire that. (And if you do have plans, don't change them for him. He'll wait. I promise.)

 

2) Does he show you courtesy? My husband still opens the door for me every single time. My mother just loves it when he does it for her! Now, a lot of guys don't do this. But, does he have the expectation that he will pay? (As you date more frequently, you will begin splitting the costs, but in the beginning, he should have the expectation - even if he accepts your offer to contribute - that he's paying.) Does he arrive on time? Call when he says he will? Is he polite around you? Uses manners mom taught him?

 

3) Does he have a good circle of friends that you could like? Good, likeable people have good friends. Even the shy ones. Do you all have things in common. Can you relax around them? Do you feel accepted and can you accept them?

 

4) Does he have a sense of humor and can he make you laugh? There is intrinsic chemistry in laughing with someone.

 

5) Can you trust him? Without a doubt? My husband's two best friends are women. I love those ladies and he will sometimes go out with them for a drink after work. I have never had the slightest doubt that there is a thing going on. I'm invited to go, of course, and sometimes I do. But without a doubt, I trust him to be there with these two gorgeous women. No worries.

 

6) Does he do something that shows you he puts you first? When we first dated, I had a fairly serious cancer scare. I didn't want to tell anyone but I needed someone to drive me home from surgery. I asked my husband (then a new guy I was dating) if he would simply take me and pick me up. I'd buy gas, etc. I know that it meant a day off work for him. He took two days off. Stayed with me pre and post surgery and literally dropped everything for me. It wasn't a good time for him at work, but he knew I needed him more.

 

7) Do you wanna see him naked? I put this at the end because I wanted to focus you on how to look for the right guy. But in the end, you have to want to see the guy naked. Chemistry is fundamental. If you don't have it, you will end up just as unhappy as you are now.

 

I offer all of this because you sound young, lost and genuinely eager for real love and all of its wonderful gifts. I was you. I never got married until I was an old maid and then some. I kept wondering what the elusive key was. Then, I got smart about who I would even consider dating. He was guy #1 of the date smarter plan. It's amazing how well it came together.

 

My best to you. Hugs and hugs.