BlueHeavens Posted September 19, 2004 Posted September 19, 2004 Hi, all... I dated a very nice guy (a pastor, actually) for two months. At the beginning of the relationship, he was totally invested, calling me every day, emailing me sweet, funny things, calling me his girlfriend after 3 or 4 dates, etc. It seemed to fall into place surprisingly fast, and since I feel in relationships that usually I am the one who "loves more" it was kind of nice to feel very strongly pursued. It felt so comfortable, so perfect. I really thought I had been through enough rough waters that perhaps I finally found someone who was right for me, and me for him. Then, he goes to visit his brother, comes back, and says something like "Well, I feel like I should be deeply in love with you by now (after 2 months---doesn't that seem a little quick?), and I'm not. So, I just want to be friends. I'm not sure if this the right thing to do or not. You're an amazing and beautiful woman, very smart and funny, and I'm so comfortable with you. But I just can't worry about what I'm doing on Saturday night, or whatever. I'm just so busy." Of course, I am stunned. I suspect it has a lot more to do with the busy church schedule starting up than with me. He has called me since he broke up with me and told me that he misses me a lot but "Isn't ready to resume the romance". I'm just really sad, and I feel totally gypped. I mean, I had written a list of qualities I really wanted in a man, and he has so very many of them. I just don't know how to handle this, and how to keep myself sane in the process. Another aspect that I think might play a role in this is that he's decided to save himself for marriage--a commitment I really respesct--but I wonder if this leaves him having some unrealistic expectations for romance for someone who is in their 30's? Aarrgh. I sure didn't expect this kind of confusing behavior from a pastor...someone who does relationship counseling, after all! Anyone have any input? It would be appreciated!
bluechocolate Posted September 19, 2004 Posted September 19, 2004 "Well, I feel like I should be deeply in love with you by now (after 2 months---doesn't that seem a little quick?), Yes - it does seem a little quick. Sometimes I think it can take months & months before people can decide if they are in love or if this is the "one". If he is a relationship counsellor surely he would know this. I read somewhere recently that expectation is disappointment we're saving for the future. This soon into a relationship one should keep their expectations in check. I'm sure we've all been through it. Met someone, thought we hid it off straight away, get along great, envisage a future together, then wham!! They think it's not right for them & end it in a puff of smoke, leaving you wondering what the hell just happened. I know you feel terrible about it, you've said as much. However, in the grand scheme of things you've not invested a huge amount of time. You'll get over it quickly. You could consider yourself lucky. What if it had gone on for another 2 months or 6 months & then he drops this on you? Forget about him & move on. It may help him to ease his conscience by contacting you with pleasant words but I think you should tell him to take it or leave it & then leave you alone. After all, what does this mean? "Isn't ready to resume the romance". Like one day he will be ready? And that you'll be waiting?
Author BlueHeavens Posted September 20, 2004 Author Posted September 20, 2004 Bluechocolate, So I wasn't nuts to think that was a little quick...and yes, you would think he'd understand that. He does premarital counseling and marriage counseling as part of his job. I guess the wisdom he imparts to others doesn't apply to him. Who knows. He also said that maybe he was just scared, but "he didn't think so". I am so frustrated. You might remember talking to me a bit in the spring when my previous ex and I broke up. I feel that in a way I am starting to notice a trend here. This is now the second time I've heard someone say "I like you, I think you're fabulous, but I don't love you." Now, I realize that could be just an easy way for them to flatter me a bit and make the dropping of the bomb a bit easier for them...but then again, I am also wondering if they are sort of falling into a pattern of being either emotionally unavailable or committmentphobic. This past relationship began with a nearly dizzying intensity, the likes of which I can't remember in the past, but it also felt a bit stifled in that the physical aspects of it were strictly limited. I'm just quite sad, miss him a lot--we always had really great, deep, or funny discussions, and what I thought was lots of fun together. I wonder if I don't really know how to read the signs well, or if the signs aren't being sent, or both. Yeesh. I'm a normally hopeful/optimistic person and this is really raining on my parade.
bluechocolate Posted September 20, 2004 Posted September 20, 2004 Hi There I do remember your moniker but not the details. This past relationship began with a nearly dizzying intensity It took a while for me to realise this, but I would take that as a warning. A fuel that burns hot also burns fast, if you know what I mean. Hang in there. You have to meet a lot of people before you meet someone special & the thing is you have to go through it! Cheers
Author BlueHeavens Posted September 20, 2004 Author Posted September 20, 2004 I totally hear what you're saying. I certainly didn't expect to be played by a pastor (though I realize he's just a human being too). Really. If I were a psycho, he could be in some hot water. I should mention that about 2 weeks before he dumped me, he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be a pastor any more. He really didn't get into the details of that either. He just said he prayed for resolution and on Sunday morning at church he felt totally fine about it again. When he came out to break up with me, I asked him about that, and he said it wasn't an issue any more. I really think this might be an issue of timing but I'm not trying to justify his actions--in fact, it makes it kind of pathetic to me. I mean, he dumped me on Labor Day, and the following Sunday is the start of the busy part of the church year...guess he didn't think he had time to fit it all in, plus season tickets to 2 local sporting teams, and getting an advanced degree in ministry. Duh! So, why did he ask me out in the first place?! I really just can't believe it--I felt like he totally knew what was going on in my head, gave me the most amazingly perfect little surprises all along, like I've never experienced before, then wham! He's gone.
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