notcraycray Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 (edited) I was in a relationship for a bit over a year. We broke up several times during the relationship but it never stuck--we'd have a cycle. He'd break up with me, I'd react by reaching out to him and pouring my heart out, we'd sort of play it cool for a day or two, see each other somewhere... get back together. We usually would break up because he had commitment issues. 2 months ago, while living with me, he broke up with me. We didn't get back together. Possibly because we were geographically distanced after the breakup. We didn't go NC at first but we were talking very infrequently. 3 weeks later, one of my friends from out of town, L, came to visit me for a week. I had invited L to come stay before my ex and I even broke up, but my ex has always been very weird about L, even though our friendship is strictly platonic. My ex sent me a long e-mail one night. I was out with a few friends when I got it and told them about it. L took my phone from me and deleted the e-mail. I was angry with him over it but I didn't really know what to do beyond that. I felt weird telling my ex, "Yeah L deleted your e-mail, resend it?" I ended up just not doing anything about it. A week later, he started talking to me online and was really pissed off at me because I hadn't been talking to him all week. I finally explained the whole thing with the e-mail to him, but he didn't believe me, and beyond that, when I showed a bunch of my friends the conversation, they all agreed that he was angry because he was jealous of L, not really because of the e-mail. I apologized for the e-mail thing and asked him to resend it, but he said no. And then he blocked me and sent me an e-mail telling me he had no desire to maintain any type of relationship with someone he couldn't trust. I was really confused by the e-mail, but my friends continued to agree, "He's jealous, realized he screwed up, and feels dumb." I just responded, "It sucks that you feel that way... because you're important to me and I hope you eventually understand that." And let it go. Over a month passed. Last night, he finally unblocked me online, sending me a message saying, "I'm sorry." I didn't ask why. I just asked him how he was doing and we briefly caught up on what was going on with each other (we've both been traveling). He wanted to know what I'm going to be doing after I finish traveling, but the conversation seemed very "cool." I'm not sure what to make of it. I feel like I've made a lot of great progress with my life in the 2 months we've been apart. I miss him and love him insanely and I've never questioned that he loves me despite his commitment issues, but... I don't know why he would suddenly be contacting me again after an entire month. I don't know if that's weird or if I should be approaching it with caution or what. I don't want to repeat the past and as much as I know I've changed in the past 2 months, I don't know that he has. I feel like the apology and the interest in what I'll be doing when I get back from traveling and the fact that it was a 30 minute conversation somehow makes it more than just a "breadcrumb" attempt, but at the same time... after a month is odd to me. Edited April 22, 2013 by notcraycray
omit Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I have short experience but men being men and I'm one of them two things we do rather well. we are the greatest danger to our selves and we balls things up. jealous yes sounds like it, good job on the progress take it easy... commitment issues are hard
Treasa Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I don't think you and your ex should get back together again if you have a history of breaking up. Is L a male? If so, I can understand why your boyfriend would be bothered. I have male platonic friends, too, but if I had a boyfriend, I don't think I'd have one come stay with me if it bothered my boyfriend. ESPECIALLY if this friend would do something like delete an email. That is incredibly childish and immature. The next time you are in a relationship with a guy, maybe you should keep it between you and the guy, rather than you, the guy, and all your friends.
Author notcraycray Posted April 22, 2013 Author Posted April 22, 2013 (edited) Yeah, L is a guy. I didn't think it was a big deal to invite him because my ex and I were living together and L was (not anymore) a mutual friend. We do have a history of breaking up but it's always been "I need to get out and be a bachelor for a while and I'm worried things are moving too fast between us" (he hadn't been out of a marriage for too long when we got together) as the cause, not something really between him and me. Bad timing, I guess you might say. Same breakup, I just kept fighting it. I didn't fight it this time because I think I finally agreed... I love him, but I'm not going to deny that everyone needs to be independent and single on their own in adulthood at some point. But I have no idea what is the right amount of time before opening up that door again. Probably not 2 months though. And yeah, what my friend was stupid. I yelled at him for it and told him never again. Edited April 22, 2013 by notcraycray
LumberJack Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I second what Treasa said about keeping your communication private. I've shared mine with friends in the past and all it did was help destabilize what was already a shaky relationship. It's not like paraphrasing it to a bunch of anonymous schmoes on the net and asking for advice. These are your friends. If you two get back together - he's going to have to see them. I'd be very embarassed if I knew they've been reading my letters - especially if they're personal letters like these. 2
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