Ihaveaheadache Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 (edited) So I've been having an affair with a MM for several months. We havnt ever had the opportunity to really hang out minus thirty minutes here and there which of course is mainly a few minutes of talking then the inability to keep "off eachother" to then us needing to part ways quickly to get home to our spouses. However we talk/text an incredible amount everyday. The spark, interests, desires, love of everything is nothing like I've had. (And ive had several affairs). He however has only had a one, one night stand. He is also 14 years older than me. Neither one of us want to end our marriage mainly because its a stable comfortable situation with kids involved on both sides. In the begining of this affair he was HELL BENT on reminding me five times a day how he wants NO eMOTIONS involved. Annoyingly. He was so paranoid id fall crazy psycho in love. I kept reassuring him all the time that I wouldn't ever go" psycho" but also can't deny feelings I coukd develop. My problem is, is that I'm falling in love with him now. He kind of knows this so I told him this should Probably turn to just sex to spare me loving some guy who would never love me. He said he didn't want just a sex thing but also said he refuses, will not, and won't ever fall in love with me. While I told him that that kind of hurts and I asked why. He won't give me an answer other than he refuses to. Maybe it sounds crazy but ive had a deep loving relationship with a previous long term MM. It just feels good to be loved ya know? He knows.about my previous love affair and tells me its just not realistic so what's the point. I guess it makes sense, but then again.its just part of the whole fantasy. He just keeps saying he like me ALOT. So all this being said, he is very jealous. Paranoid I'm talking to other guys,meeting other guys. Doesn't ever want to hear about my husband or when my husband and I "do anything". Very jealous when I joke about a guy hitting on me. I'm very very open and honest. I asked him why he cares and is so jealous if he can't ever develop a "deeper" relationship. He then says doesn't my jealously give you a hint about how I feel.about you?? He seems soooooo closed up with any emotion. I'm just not sure anymore if he is just a psycho jealous guy who is possessive and won't ever love me, or if he is trying really hard to deny the fact that he is falling in love with me. I'm just so confused. I know it sounds silly but I guess I'm mad he says he refuses.to ever love me..i like that connection you get when strong.emotions are involved, even if it leads.to no where. Edited April 22, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
SmokeRat Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 It's funny how the fog clouds things like the following: -honour -love -compassion -and most importantly, the children. They are innocents in all this, yet from what I hear and what I've experienced, suffer the most fallout. 5
So happy together Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 It's funny how the fog clouds things like the following: -honour -love -compassion -and most importantly, the children. They are innocents in all this, yet from what I hear and what I've experienced, suffer the most fallout. This is not related to the OP's question. I will have to agree though, as other posters have said, it isn't love, in my opinion. And that is okay. It doesn't have to be if you are okay with the status quo. Sounds like you're not though. So, you have to decide for yourself what you're willing to do, and what you're not. He's said he's not going to fall in love with you. Men tend to be honest about these sorts of things and later, when and if you ever told him you were in love, he would tell you that he'd warned you. So be careful there. You don't want to invest your feelings with someone who isn't willing to reciprocate. As for the jealousy thing? My boyfriend doesn't have a jealous bone in his body and he is the most loving, sweet, caring, giving man I've ever known. In fact, if someone hit on me right in front of him, he'd probably laugh and then say "You're so beautiful they can't stay away". It would not be a jealous thing. This is probably just me, but jealousy shows a great lack of trust in my book. If someone acted really jealous, I'd probably wonder why they didn't trust me, or more, if they were judging from their past behaviors. Be careful here. It's a scary road. Take care of your heart, and be good to yourself. Let us know how it goes!! 1
scatterd Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 Your MM wants to have someone on the side he does not want another relationship. If you both get deeper it would complicate things. I think he has feelings for you but he is trying not to. 1
Author Ihaveaheadache Posted April 22, 2013 Author Posted April 22, 2013 Honestly I don't really love him. I know i couldn't for real because, He's very controlling and kind of an a$$ but its twisted because those things I guess turn me on sexually. He's fairly wealthy, with an important career where we live.. and while I dont in any way benefit from it, the power trip gets me there too. Maybe it makes me sound very sick, but I guess I'm a little angry and my ego is hurt by him ever saying he couldn't or wouldn't. That's my messed up pride there. I think I only want him to, ... more as of a "haha I got you". I'm messed up, .......I know this. Sadly, crazily, ive sugar coated but admitted that to him.
Jonah Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 Problem is that there may be a limit to how much you will be able to love each other. Sure its exciting and all but the closeness as mates would be elusive in the situation you describe. We would need more info to help you decide if he is psychopathic. But from what you are saying it's more like he is describing a dead end, that his emotions want to move forward but are dammed by the situation. It could be as simple as there isn't anything else to talk about. I mean, what else is there to say? Or maybe he likes the way things are... that you are enriching his life so fears the affair will end. The affair will either fall apart or go on long enough to where all of the drama becomes moot and your conversations would sound more like spouses talking about every day life. The sex and excitement would still be great, and you may get to be more adventurous about where and when you have sex but at least you would feel more comfortable together. Does everyone know that you are friends or is it completely clandestine?
ThatJustHappened Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Honestly I don't really love him. I know i couldn't for real because, He's very controlling and kind of an a$$ but its twisted because those things I guess turn me on sexually. He's fairly wealthy, with an important career where we live.. and while I dont in any way benefit from it, the power trip gets me there too. Maybe it makes me sound very sick, but I guess I'm a little angry and my ego is hurt by him ever saying he couldn't or wouldn't. That's my messed up pride there. I think I only want him to, ... more as of a "haha I got you". I'm messed up, .......I know this. Sadly, crazily, ive sugar coated but admitted that to him. Have you considered getting help?
lynn1954 Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Honestly I don't really love him. I know i couldn't for real because, He's very controlling and kind of an a$$ but its twisted because those things I guess turn me on sexually. He's fairly wealthy, with an important career where we live.. and while I dont in any way benefit from it, the power trip gets me there too. Maybe it makes me sound very sick, but I guess I'm a little angry and my ego is hurt by him ever saying he couldn't or wouldn't. That's my messed up pride there. I think I only want him to, ... more as of a "haha I got you". I'm messed up, .......I know this. Sadly, yes, you are, and he's messed up, too. You can't change him nor save him, but you can change yourself and save yourself. Make up your mind today to save yourself, then baby-step your way to stability and peace of mind. 1
Author Ihaveaheadache Posted April 23, 2013 Author Posted April 23, 2013 I know. I find myself disturbing sometimes. I get sexual and mental enjoyment messing with his head in a not to great way. I make him feel like he is everything to me, make his ego big, all knowing i dont mean a damn thing I say.
ThatJustHappened Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 That is super duper messed up. Are you in therapy?
2sunny Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 I know. I find myself disturbing sometimes. I get sexual and mental enjoyment messing with his head in a not to great way. I make him feel like he is everything to me, make his ego big, all knowing i dont mean a damn thing I say. That is just the most devious and mean thing I've read on here! You need serious help - that's just a terrible way to live. You're describing being completely unauthentic. I feel sad and sorry for your lack of a moral compass! Get help to grow a conscience. 2
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