claire74 Posted April 22, 2013 Share Posted April 22, 2013 I've been with my boyfriend for 20 months, its a 2 and half hour train journey and we're both single parents. We settled into a routine of seeing each other every six weeks during school holidays but it was mostly me doing the travelling. I stayed with him in february and he said he would come to me in the holidays in april, the first date he gave me he couldnt get time off work as left it too late, he managed to get a few days of for another week but kept making excuses as to why he couldnt book the train tickets, I started to back off as was scared of getting hurt, the week before he was meant to come down, I asked him if he was still coming, he said he didnt feel happy about coming to see me, we both said we'd been feeling insecure the last couple of weeks, even though he had no reason to as kept asking him when he was coming to see me so was definitely making him feel wanted, we both said we love each other but it was too hard so split up, it lasted a couple of days and we got back together. Its been two weeks and still have no date as to when he's coming to see me, he promised it would be in may, he has one weekend free but instead of booking tickets to see me that weekend, he's told me that if his son doesnt do a competition on one of the other weekends then he'll come down so I'm still left wondering if I'll see him in may even though he promised. I understand he has to put his son first but what I cant understand is why choose a weekend to see me when theres a chance he wont be able to come, he has a weekend where he's got nothing on, this is the longest we've not seen each other. We're both insecure people and at the moment he's making me feel insecure and unwanted. I'm not sure if I want to be with him anymore as he's not showing much interest in coming to see me and cant understand why he got back together with me. Another big issue I have is that he wont talk about the future, he tells me he doesnt like to think about it and ends the conversation. I really need some advice as havent a clue what to do, thanks Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted April 22, 2013 Share Posted April 22, 2013 Hi Claire, welcome to LS. Sorry to hear you're feeling so hurt and frustrated with your relationship. Have you tried talking to your boyfriend about how you're feeling? Does he know that he has no reason to feel insecure - that you still want him to come and see you? Does he understand why you're feeling insecure - that you're concerned about his apparent lack of enthusiasm to visit you? I always think the best way to deal with these miscommunication issues is to communicate. Be completely open and honest with him and encourage him to do the same. It certainly can't hurt. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author claire74 Posted April 23, 2013 Author Share Posted April 23, 2013 thank you for your reply. I know I probably came across as negative in my post, I'd built myself up to see him this month and then when he kept giving excuses to book the tickets it got too confusing, I didnt want to break up with him but needed a break from all the upset and over thinking. He told me last night he'll come down the weekend he has free but only told me as I asked, I'm always having to ask the right questions to know whats going on, he doesnt volunteer any information which gets frustrating. I think you're right, we are terrible for communicating. I try to start a conversation if I feel we need to discuss our relationship but I see the wall go up and he looks awkward. There are alot of issues he has to sort out in his life for example his wife having a affair then going on to get pregnant by another man, he hasnt started on the divorce yet which to be quite honest I dont see that happening anytime soon as he suffers with depression and probably cant face it but him still being married to her makes me feel insecure. I knew it wasnt going to be easy getting involved with a separated man thats why I voiced my concerns when we first got together and he told me he would start divorce proceedings when they'd been separated two years, that time has come and gone. I struggle to see our relationship working if he doesnt start talking to me which has nothing to do with being in a long distance relationship. Feel alot better for getting this all off my chest Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 He may be in trouble. He didn't ask for divorce and his wife is pregnant. He may be deemed the father. In some states, it works like that. In my country too. It can also depend on the time span between the date of separation and the date she got pregnant. Be careful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author claire74 Posted April 23, 2013 Author Share Posted April 23, 2013 she got pregnant with her new partner in may 2011, they separated in january and it was a full term pregnancy so it definitely isnt his baby. It does seem he's holding onto alot of hurt and anger from what she did and thats understandable, my own daughter's dad left me when I was pregnant and it took me years to get over the hurt and anger, still have days now when I cant believe what he did to my daughter. There is a part of me that sometimes think should I let him go, give him space to sort himself out and I'll support him as a friend and see if we're both in a position to start again sometime in the future but he wont see that as a good thing for us, he will look at it as another person rejecting him. I dont want to hurt him, I love him, he's the first person I've trusted since my daughter's dad left but I feel theres going to be a constant wall between us, he wont begin to let go of the past, he wont see someone professional, I dont know what to do as it's draining me at times, this and not being able to see him often, its all got too confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 she got pregnant with her new partner in may 2011, they separated in january and it was a full term pregnancy so it definitely isnt his baby. It does seem he's holding onto alot of hurt and anger from what she did and thats understandable They separated in January 2011, right? The separation lasts at least one year, usually. During that one-year separation (4 months into the separation), she gets pregnant with her new partner. They are still married and in many states there's a presumption of paternity. So what state is he in? Research about laws in his state. And you'll find out if the new born is deemed as his child. That means more money to support the child, anger and bad feelings because it's not his child. More money required to file for a divorce now... Maybe he's having second thoughts, and you don't know if she tried to get him back... Link to post Share on other sites
Author claire74 Posted April 23, 2013 Author Share Posted April 23, 2013 sorry for the confusion but we dont live in the states, she stopped paying child support last year to their son who lives with my boyfriend. In this country you dont pay towards another persons child even if they got pregnent a short time after the separation so my boyfriend pays nothing towards the new baby. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 Ok. I live in Europe, and it's the same here, that is the husband is supposed to be the father during first stage of separation. But since you're sure it's not like that in your country, then it's fine. Maybe he's just struggling with everything and financially too. I'm just assuming... It's better you talk to him in person when he comes to visit you. So that you won't have such problems in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 Tell him you have a kid, too, and it's not fair for you to do all the heavy lifting. Either he starts trying a little harder, or he gets the **** out. You don't need this additional stress and worry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author claire74 Posted April 25, 2013 Author Share Posted April 25, 2013 I think thats why I left it to him this time to travel to me, I went to his home alot more than he came to me last year which of course meant spending out more on train tickets which as a single parent it cant keep being left to me, he came for new year, I went to his february so naturally thought it would be his turn, he actually suggested it first. Well last night he tells me he got his letter from the hospital for a op which he told me about a week ago, it will be done in outpatient so he'll be there a few hours, it falls on the monday of the weekend he agreed to see me so now it looks like he wont be coming as he'll have to fast. I'm starting to think that maybe its not meant to be anymore, I know its not his fault the date falls when he was suppose to come but its just getting frustrating not being able to see him or touch him, cuddle up to him like we do on the sofa. I suggested this morning that I go to his next weekend, I need to know whats going on with us but can only really get that by talking face to face with him. I might not get any answers or he might be completely honest with me about his divorce and why he wont talk about the future, whichever way at least I'll know. Will see what he says when he gets back from work Link to post Share on other sites
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