turnerik Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 She dumped me a month ago and today we went to the zoo together. We had a great time. I thought it would be awkward, but it was like we were back together. Just no lovey dovey stuff. no physical contact at all. Then I dropped her off at her house, and I asked if I could come inside to hang out more (nothing physical intended) she said no, which I was ok with, but I had to ask her what I'm suppose to do. I told her she is giving me mixed signals and I don't want to screw up any progress we have made. (she knows she is in control, and could have me back in an instant) I asked her if its OK if I text her and stuff like that and she said not that much. She left me because I was too controlling and I smothered her. I promised her up and down that I wouldn't keep her from her friends.I mean it too. She told me that she does not believe me. She told me she needed space and time. She then said something very interesting to me. She told me that she doesn't want me to go out with anyone else. I then asked her if she was going to see anyone else and she promised me she wouldn't. And I know she won't. My plan is to wait a few days and then ask her out for the following week for lunch and to see my new apartment, then take her back. I guess I'm asking is this a good idea, and any other advice you have for me? Background: I'm 20, she's 18. We have dated for 3 1/2 years. I've noticed a big change in myself, and I know without a doubt I have changed. It's her senior year, and she isn't going away for college, going to the same one I am. Sorry for the long question, and thanks for any advice!
Sososad Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I can kinda relate to your story . In my opinion it sounds like its going great and 100% in the right direction. My advise for you and it's so much easier said than done is give her space . Listen to what you said she thinks your controlling etc u have to show her your not .. Give her space lay off the texts let the good day at the zoo sink in too. I'd say not ask about your new place drop some very subtle hints when u have the keys and see if she asks .. It's easy to mess all this up by just rushing , what's the hurry .. Keep yourself busy ,super busy .. Sounds to me like she's breaking I'd be patient .wish you good luck. Keep us posted !!
Vinny85 Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 (edited) Well, to be very honest AND based on my own experience: The girl is 18, meaning she has been in a relationship since she was 15 and you are probably eachothers first loves. There IS going to be a moment she wants to explore the rest of the world, boys, fun, etc. This doensn't have to mean that at this point she doesn't love you or maybe even isn't in love with you. However, she is 18, you are 20, I am 23... Be honest, how much do we REALLY know about love? The following are ofcourse just 'assumptions'. I can not look in your head, nor can I look in the head of your ex. However, please allow me to offer my two cents, it might help: My bet is that she is gonna wonder what more is out there, and you probably will too at some moment. Even more I think this process allready started for her and she now has mixed feelings of guilt. She wants to explore (and needs to, at this age), but at the same time it means she has to leave someone she really likes and wants to be with. I furthermore think that your great time at the zoo was great to her aswell, BUT that confused her. Every great moment she has with you can potentially confuse her, because it makes it harder for her to leave you while in her mind she needs to leave you. This is a very hard moral dilemma to deal with. If you were good to her and she really likes you and spending time with you, for her there is no real reason to leave you. On the other side, as her boyfriend (so not as a person) you are in the way of the grand scheme of things: exploring the world and life. See the conflict? I think if there was no conflict and she truly wanted to be with you, she would not be confused and she would not have cut you off after the zoo part. For you this might look like a 'tool' to win her back: Just have enough great moments to make her change her mind. But that is not how it works. Yes, you might be able to change her mind, but NOT her feelings or desires. Changing her mind means: internal conflict. Her feelings and desires do not match her 'mind'. I have seen this happen to my ex in the months before our BU. At that moment I did not really understand and kept pushing. However, now, almost 9 months later, I think I do understand. Those two months have been VERY hard on her. I now understand all her crying etc and feeling down. She wants to be with you, but at the same time it (the internal conflict) makes her very unhappy. So while you guys can have good times together it also makes her feel bad, conflicted, unhappy, sad etc. Somewhere down the line, things are gonna break. Things allready broke to some extend, since she dumped you. Be VERY carefull with this, for yourself, but also for her. I also think that she wants a safety net for when the exploring doesn't work out. I've done this aswell in my 'exploring time' (hell I might still be in the middle of it). At the start of every relationship I had in that time there was ALWAYS also another girl involved. (no cheating however). When with one girl a relation seemed to begin, I basically ditched the other. It was a safe feeling, if it wouldnt progress with the girl I liked the most at that moment, I always had the other girl to go to. Looking back at it, I was a real jerk when it came to that, however, I was just scared of being lonely. I still am. So, who is a better 'safety net' than an ex that loves you and wants you back? It probably makes her feel way better knowing you will be there for her so she will not have to risk being lonely. THAT is why I think she doesn't want you to see other girls while she 'figures it out'. Also she understands that she can not ask you to do that when she will just tell you she WILL see other boys. Therefore she told you she wouldn't either. However, I bet, if you did not ask about it, she would not have said such a thing either. So, what I think is that one out of 4 things can happen for you two now: 1) You will get back together, but the same thing will happen in some time from now, causing more heartbreak. 2) You will get back together, but now you will get in the phase she probably is now, and break her heart for it. 3) You will not get back together and she will string you along and cause more heartbreak 4) You will get back together and be happy. I have no masters degree in fortune telling, nor am I a mathematician, so I really can not tell you the odds of the 4 outcomes. However, concidering she allready dumped you, I would really think about what odds you truly give the outcomes yourself and with which odds you feel like gambling. Anyway: In either case, give her space. Lots of it. Do NOT ask her back before she makes a move. If you do when she is not ready, chances are you push her away big time. just my two cents though. Edited April 22, 2013 by Vinny85 1
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