Econ Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 Hi all, I'd just like to say thanks for reading over my problem and any input is appreciated. My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little more than 2 months, but knew each other for a year beforehand and were best friends. Whilst I love her dearly and care a lot about her, some things in the relationship have been bothering me. One of the things that I think is proving troublesome is that she is so much more into me than I her. She had liked me for around a month before confessing her feelings, which caught me completely off guard. Whilst I had occasionally had thoughts of her as more than a friend, I had pushed them away as I believed there was no such chance of anything happening. Since then, while my affections for her have grown, hers have always far outweighed mine. It's just not been a head-over-heels kind of thing for me, I love her but the romantic feelings for me have built up slowly, whereas she is in the honeymoon phase. I do like her, but I've always been an independent person, while she gets a bit more attached, and given how much she likes me, she wants to be around me constantly. I sometimes just feel the pressure of her being so into me while I'm still stuck in a 'just started dating you, still feeling things out' kind of phase. It's much more serious for her than it is for me, it's simply been to quick for me to feel the same way. It's gotten very complicated for me, emotionally I could not ask for more, we're best friends and care deeply for each other, but physically, my attraction for her is just not so strong. It's caused me to question whether or not I really want the relationship, and I've not yet been able to silence these doubts. We're just 20 years of age, and I can't help but wonder if having so many doubts about a relationship is a bad sign. In truth, part of the issue I think is just my lack of knowledge about relationships and myself. I've dated a few people in my life so far, but nothings gotten serious and when I'm faced with these issues, I'm just unsure of how to interpret them. Is it a big deal if I'm not in a honeymoon phase, can I eventually get to it later? Furthermore, I'm sometimes just not sure exactly what I want. I still have things to learn about myself, very normal at this age I presume but it makes it hard to know what to do when ultimately I'm not sure what exactly I want. I care about her and wouldn't mind giving the relationship time, but I worry that I'm playing with her emotions or leading her on if she's so into me whereas I'm still testing out how I feel about the relationship and even having doubts about it. Ah well, I'm up very late trying to post this and I fear I may have ranted a bit, hopefully I've made my general problem clear. If not I'll be able to clarify things later, and advice from others would be much appreciated.
GoodOnPaper Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 It's just not been a head-over-heels kind of thing for me, I love her but the romantic feelings for me have built up slowly, whereas she is in the honeymoon phase. I experienced the same thing with my wife. It was also a shock to deal with -- my entire singlehood had consisted of getting rejected up front or getting dumped. You can have an LTR without a honeymoon phase. The thing about that early infatuation is that it motivates you to be completely open, emotionally and physically, with your partner. That has advantages down the road. It's gotten very complicated for me, emotionally I could not ask for more, we're best friends and care deeply for each other, but physically, my attraction for her is just not so strong. It's caused me to question whether or not I really want the relationship, and I've not yet been able to silence these doubts. We're just 20 years of age, and I can't help but wonder if having so many doubts about a relationship is a bad sign. Not necessarily "bad" at all. You are building a relationship on compatibility first, and that bodes well for the long-term. But building passion from compatibility is not easy and for most of us at age 20, passion is/was foremost on our minds. You likely have at least one major life transition ahead of you and that's very disruptive to relationships even when you think you have the whole package. In your situation, I would pay attention to your misgivings.
Author Econ Posted April 22, 2013 Author Posted April 22, 2013 Thanks for the comment, I feel a tad more relaxed about things but nonetheless am far from being rid of my doubts. Having taken some time to think about it, I have to say the biggest issue is that while there is much intimacy which I certainly value, there is a lack of passion on my side that bothers me. I just feel wishy-washy about the relationship, which I can't imagine is a good thing. I want to experience some true passion, it's not the only thing that's important but having never really felt that yet, I can't help but want a taste of it for myself.
veggirl Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Yes so many doubts after only 2 mos is a huge red flag and terrible sign. You don't lust after her and its only been 2 mos...where is that going to leave you in years if you are still with her? Don't stay with someone because they are comfortable or safe, stay with them because they make you feel on fire and they excite you and you ALSO have comfort/safety with them. your relationship won't last without both parts.
FlyerFan54 Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 It's gotten very complicated for me, emotionally I could not ask for more, we're best friends and care deeply for each other, but physically, my attraction for her is just not so strong. It's caused me to question whether or not I really want the relationship, and I've not yet been able to silence these doubts. We're just 20 years of age, and I can't help but wonder if having so many doubts about a relationship is a bad sign. . The age alone was the red-flag indicator for me. You're so young. There's nothing wrong with being in a relationship, but if you're not feeling it at this age...best thing is to move on. Don't force yourself to stay in something so young. You'll regret it down the road. I almost made the same mistake myself. If I had stayed in it to this day, 7 years later, I'd be married but completely miserable. Live your life. There will be PLENTY of more women you will get the chance with, and you'll know when that one gives you the spark you don't have now.
Author Econ Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 Thanks for the comments guys, I'm giving the relationship some time as I know that I like to take things slow, but I'm definitely going to be paying close attention to my feelings these next couple months. Thing that makes it hard is like I mentioned, this girl has also been a best friend of mine for a year now, there are things about the relationship that I really do like and I don't want to toss it away too quickly, but at the same time I'm well aware that if it's just not working out on my end, forcing myself to stay for the long haul is only going to end in misery. 1
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