CarmenSa Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I an almost new divorcee. It has taken quite a while to get my divorce finalized but our hearing date is set for the end of May. My soon-to-be ex husband was controlling and cruel, we were together for 20 years before I finally realized that I deserved better. I met a man at my new job last summer and we became very good friends. Due to the company rules we are not allowed to date but we have maintained a platonic relationship. That wasn't difficult to do since he travels a lot for his job and I only saw him a couple of weeks out of each month. But we still kept in contact. I should also mention that one of the things that bonded us initially was that we were both grieving the loss people that were close to us. (He had lost his fiance two years ago.) About 3 months ago things were stepped up a little. He was about to go on the road and we wouldn't be seeing each other for a little more than a month. The time difference would make it difficult to have the long conversations we were used to. He had a little too much to drink one evening and told me that he adored me. That he would miss me. And he didn't know what he would do with out me for an entire month. This kind of blind-sided me. I realized we had a really great friendship going but I didn't know that he had that depth of feeling for me. I was floored and flattered! Since that declaration we have spent even more time together. Because I am still technically married I have not met his friends or his parents. He says this will happen when I am finally divorced. But even after my divorce no one at the job is supposed to know. It would put our jobs at risk. Especially his. Also, I have a new position at work that also requires me to travel, sometimes for a month or more at a time. He is very encouraging regarding my job. He wants me to succeed. But my problem is many fold. You see about 3 weeks ago I was on call to possibly go on one of the job related trips to New Jersey. It was going to be about a month to a month and a half long. He tells me that it is okay for me to date while I am in NJ. (WTF!) I ended up just telling him that I didn't think I would do that since I am so bad at dating. That was the only thing I could come up with at the time to semi-reassure him. Then several days last week a male co-worker was trying to coax me into giving him a neck rub and on this one particular day my friend was there to witness it. The break room had several people in it so I figured that it would be okay. As I started to get up my friend said "oh, no....blah blah blah" and said some lame excuse which sounded half teasing of the co-worker. I realized then that the was jealous! BTW the male co-worker is at least 10 years younger than I am.... My friend has shown he cares in many subtle ways...like respecting me....listening to what I have to say...showing concern for my well-being...asks and values my opinions...has told me his secrets...calls and talks to me for hours. He also surprised me by telling some of his friends about me. (He did that in the spur of the moment but has since not mentioned me to them) He has talked of the future in the sense of me meeting his friends and a fishing trip. He asked me if we would always be friends. But he doesn't show any affection to me...not in the few private times when have had together or in public. No cuddling, no hand holding. The only time he has cuddled me has been after he has been drinking. We are very comfortable with each other. Can we be too comfortable? Is there such a thing?? Or is it just that he is holding back because of the pending divorce? Should I expect him to change after the divorce is final? How much of this has to do with the job conflict? Also, I am not 100% comfortable hiding things at work. One, what happens if we are caught? (He would be in much, much more trouble than me since he is management.) Two, I don't like the sneaking around like he is married or something. I am writing this here and now on this forum because I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I don't dare tell anyone for fear that the word will get back to work. I have not dated anyone in over 20 years. I have never been an overly assertive person in my relationships. (Obviously, since I was in a loveless marriage for over two decades...LOL) I am soooo new to this relationship stuff that I am often surprised. For the record I enjoy being with this person. We share a lot of the same values and our tastes are similar. We laugh and talk and share a lot. Yet I am intimidated by so many aspects of this relationship. (Or is it relationships in general?) I don't know.
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