How can you tell if a guy is using you?

[Maleficent]

Yep, I'm a total n00b to the dating world. Never had a boyfriend so I don't know. How can you tell if a guy likes you and is interested in a relationship, or if he just wants to get into you pants? Some douches are experts at looking like they're the relationship, committed kind of guy, but are not. How would you know?

 

Don't have sex with them. If they are just interested in getting in your pants, they will suddenly disappear.

[Tinie]

tbf- no sex is not shameful. That doesn't mean I'm comfortable with it yet. That also doesn't mean it is something to outright talk about. Especially with someone you just met. I'm not ok with that. I do have feelings for the guy, but that doesn't mean I'm ok with him treating me like a prostitute, or easy, or whatever. He was being disrespectful, and by brushing it off, it would look like I'm ok with that behaviour but I'm not.

 

clia- stop aggrivating me. I ALREADY KNOW I made a mistake! You don't have to remind me multiple times. If a guy was that interested, he would forgive me. So I screwed up and I know it. What, he's never screwed up? Why is one mistake all of a sudden the end of the world. And stop asking me to leave him alone. I have not talked to him for the last 5 weeks. I think that falls under the category of leave me alone.

 

Yes I'm obsessed with this guy, ok? I probably have ocd or something because I do compulsive things repeatedly like actions multiple times and there are things I do that I don't want to but I have to do them anyway and I don't need to do them. Stop talking to me like I am insane. It isn't helping. It's insulting. I already know I have a problem and you are making it worse.

 

I don't know how to let him go. I just imagined all this time I'd have with him, and it is crushing that the opportunity is gone. I don't know why I'm having such a problem forgetting about it.

[tbf]

tbf- no sex is not shameful. That doesn't mean I'm comfortable with it yet. That also doesn't mean it is something to outright talk about. Especially with someone you just met. I'm not ok with that. I do have feelings for the guy, but that doesn't mean I'm ok with him treating me like a prostitute, or easy, or whatever. He was being disrespectful, and by brushing it off, it would look like I'm ok with that behaviour but I'm not.

Expect that men are looking for sex, if they can get it. That's a given in dating. But if a guy exceeds your sexual boundaries by becoming too familiar, too soon, then there are ways to push back without flipping out on them.

 

If a guy texts, "I'm going to take off your pants", all you need to do is not to respond. This tells him that he's exceeded your boundaries where most guys will come back with an apology.

 

Or if you wish to be a bit more assertive, just say "That's a bit too familiar", where once again, most guys will apologize.

 

Telling him he's made you nauseous is like shooting a mouse with a shotgun and is a major permanent attraction killer. Then to blow up his phone with apologies, is once again an over-reaction to compensate. That's why he told you to leave him alone. Emotional zig-zagging can freak people out.

[Tinie]

Awesome. I'm an idiot. Idiot. Ugh stupid, stupid. I really regret being so impulsive. I still like the guy, but I'm keeping my trap shut and have been for the past while. I guess he'll be freaked out forever then. Oh well.

[tbf]

Look. Just stop looking at it as his fault or your fault. What happened is that two people unaccustomed to flirting, ended up having some very awkward interactions. One party rushed sexual intimacy, where the other overreacted to his pushing forward. We all learn the dating and mating game through interactions.

 

Another tip for your side, is when he asked you if you liked him. If you wish to continue the flirtatious discussion, say something like "How can anyone resist?". If he keeps pushing, then you can either challenge him back with "If I didn't find you interesting, would we still be chatting?" with a wink or something light and flattering like "Love your dimples" or "That jawline..mmm".

[pteromom]

Yep, I'm a total n00b to the dating world. Never had a boyfriend so I don't know. How can you tell if a guy likes you and is interested in a relationship, or if he just wants to get into you pants? Some douches are experts at looking like they're the relationship, committed kind of guy, but are not. How would you know?

 

If he likes you, he will want to spend time with you. He will answer texts and calls and emails and PMs. He will look forward to being with you. He will share himself with you - will answer questions, talk to you about himself (although some guys do have a hard time talking about feelings).

 

If he is using you, you'll notice he only contacts you when it benefits HIM. He'll put you off until it is time for a date (aka time to get some!)

 

It's pretty cut and dry. If a guy likes you, he will want to be with you and will want to talk to you.

[Tinie]

It's just hard. I messed up. It's difficult to remove the thought "its all my fault" from my head. We were both really inexperienced, and I felt really rushed by the whole thing. I want to clarify what I said earlier, I don't have anything against having sex with someone I'm in a relationship with. Just not with someone I don't know very well because I haven't had the chance to get to know them yet.

 

I wasn't afraid of being in an R, I was afraid of being used. Or that he had plans to use me. I'm 20, I've never dated, so how would I know? I don't have any experience whatsoever, and yes believe it or not, common sense does fail me sometimes.

 

By asking me that, tbf, don't you think he put me on the spot?

 

I also don't see how someone who eavesdropped on my conversations with a friend for 3 months, then went out of his way to say hi to me and talk to me, then had a good time in my company for coffee could all of a sudden decide he doesn't have interest in me anymore. I told him I've never had any R before and he said none of his past R have been serious. So he'd know that my act was just that- a stupid act.

 

This is upsetting. I'm upsetting.

[Tinie]

@pteromom- that's what I thought. He wouldn't be interested in the girl, in her plans, future, etc. Though wouldn't that be a red flag? Wouldn't the girl realize this and get out before she gets used?

[ScreamingTrees]

you know what bugs me? So many women thinking " does he like me? Like really like me? Like really really like me? Does he do this? Does he do that?"

 

That's BS. How about you? Do you like him? Does he make you laugh? Is he attentive with you, considerate... respectful? If you're having a good time together, date the guy. Meet him. Talk to him. Relate to him. And do all the judging / analysing later, if he's worth the effort.

 

I simply don't understand why a girl would just write a post like that, without giving us any background as for the situation. For all I know, you can be in highschool, this guy can be the first guy who asked for your telephone number and you're already thinking he wants to have sex and use you. Not nice to jump to conclusions.

 

Not saying there are no douchebags out there, but learn to look at a person before labeling him.

 

That's funny, because I'm the kind of guy to be thinking like this. As if all guys don't think this sort of **** as well, human beings in general are prone to insecurity.

 

It's only lame if a girl is repeatedly receiving validation and still requires more over time.. There's an issue there.

[Tinie]

I'm not asking for validation.

 

I think I was just overwhelmed.

 

I have never ever said anything mean to anyone like I did to this guy, and I've been punishing myself for a while now. Just thinking about what I did makes me physically ill. I avoided him after our fight. We take the same bus, so I started catching earlier buses, and avoiding the hall where his lecture is. Yet I see him anyways everywhere, and more often than before.

 

I think I thought he was playing mind games with me. I never have shortage of guys that like me, they're so obvious about their feelings. And I'm always so careful. I extend my hand, but only in friendship and I make that very clear but treat the whole thing sensitively. The thought of hurting anyone makes me tear up. I feel like I'm suffocating. I felt like I was suffocating after reading some of your guys' posts about my actions.

 

I for some reason am only good at school. Its an easy thing to be the top of my chemistry faculty, to churn out A+ grades, to solve any calculus problem the prof throws at me. But in social interactions I fail. People like me because I'm happy and its easy to make me laugh. I realized I hurt him with my stupidity and inexperience more deeply than I thought, I honestly didn't mean anything I said, and that made me feel so evil that I couldn't sleep and I cried. I know, irrational. I don't know why I can't snap out of it, why I can't knock it off.

 

People out there are living in poverty and I'm complaining about some boy. What the hell is wrong with me?!

[Tinie]

Oh and I forgot to mention yet another mistake I made. When I get upset, you can tell it by my face. So my friend, lets call him A, eventually forced the problem out of me. I felt better telling him about it.

 

But then he created more problems. Two weeks ago, me and A were headed to class, which is on the opposite side of a really really big building. We ran into K, the guy I stupidly labelled a user, and he stared at me so I turned away and kept walking with A. We got to the opposite side of the building and sat down and realized that K had been following us the whole time, right behind. Me and K stared at each other, and A saw and said really loudly, "Is that the guy?"

 

Ugh that obviously embarrassed K really badly. I was embarrassed myself. I shushed A but the damage was done. Now K thinks I'm not only the devil, but a gossip too. Awesome.

[mn311601]

According to some threads I've read, if he's breathing, he's using you.

 

Guys = scum

[outsidethebox]

Pretty much every thread except those started by guys complaining can't get a date.

[RedRobin]

Oh and I forgot to mention yet another mistake I made. When I get upset, you can tell it by my face. So my friend, lets call him A, eventually forced the problem out of me. I felt better telling him about it.

 

But then he created more problems. Two weeks ago, me and A were headed to class, which is on the opposite side of a really really big building. We ran into K, the guy I stupidly labelled a user, and he stared at me so I turned away and kept walking with A. We got to the opposite side of the building and sat down and realized that K had been following us the whole time, right behind. Me and K stared at each other, and A saw and said really loudly, "Is that the guy?"

 

Ugh that obviously embarrassed K really badly. I was embarrassed myself. I shushed A but the damage was done. Now K thinks I'm not only the devil, but a gossip too. Awesome.

 

I'm sorry this is so awkward. Honestly, I don't think you overreacted at all.

 

You don't need to be nice to people who aren't nice to you. You are young, so you haven't figured this out.

 

It doesn't matter whether he intended to use you or not. He gave out the vibe of a user and you made the best decision you could at the time. Whether he 'intends' to use people or not is also not the issue. He jumps into sex too soon or tries to and likely hurts people. Be thankful you are not one of them.

 

If it helps, the guy you mention sounds very similar to a guy I fondly call "Mr. Sexy Talk". He started out being very forward just like your 'K'. I was nice to him because we had mutual friends. Apparently he's really great at first impressions and shallow relations with other men... which make them think he is a 'nice guy'. Which he isn't.

 

Flash forward almost a year... the guy ended up stalking me when I refused to date him.

 

Trust me. Whatever 'K's issues are with dating aren't yours. Focus on people who can respect your boundaries. Doesn't sound like 'K' did. He'll figure it out with someone else. Not your problem to worry about anymore.

[Maleficent]

I will be very honest here...

 

I have personally never met a douche bag who met a girl and planned on using her.

 

I, however, know plenty of guys who start dating a girl, then after a few days/weeks realize they are not really that interested after all and are just.too.f*ckin.chicken.sh*it.to.just.tell.her.

They start acting distant and acting like douches hoping she'll get the hint thinking «well this will never hurt her as much as just telling the truth!»

 

Idiots.

 

Also, women will stay stuck on this guy thinking «but he was so nice at first - he's probably going through a rough patch. My love will make him feel better»

 

lol

[Tinie]

Thanks guys for the replies!

 

@RedRobin- that's why I'm in such a quandary. Some people say he's into me and I think he still is, judging by his weird staring and following me about whenever I run into him now. But there was a reason I felt I could not trust him. He'd say things like "my sister is stupid" or he ridiculed the prof in lecture last semester. I casually asked my friend G about him, since this semester they were in the same class. G said K's a douche, and that there's something off about him. And that he's not nice to people.

 

I had the same thought too, when K started talking to me. I felt like he was lying because I had seen him be a douche so I felt like he was hiding it to make himself attractive to me.

 

I'm not seeking reasons to hate K. I don't hate him. I just have reasons why I couldn't trust him. And the whole thing between us was going way too fast and was overwhelming.

 

Oh god, I hope he doesn't stalk me. I think that guy stalked you because you rejected him, and maybe the chase was appealing or something. Whatever the reason, that's just creepy.

 

@Tara- so, what happens if a guy asks you lots of questions about yourself but shares very little about himself, when you ask? And is it weird for a guy to ask a girl's address "just because" the first time they're out anywhere?

[RedRobin]

I had the same thought too, when K started talking to me. I felt like he was lying because I had seen him be a douche so I felt like he was hiding it to make himself attractive to me.

 

I'm not seeking reasons to hate K. I don't hate him. I just have reasons why I couldn't trust him. And the whole thing between us was going way too fast and was overwhelming.

 

Ok, if you don't trust him, then no need to dig further.

 

... and don't feel bad about giving a guy who pushes you the send off... in a nice or not nice way, if it comes to that.

 

I don't hate Mr. Sexy Talk either. I was sad at first... because my other friend kind of recommended him. But I realize now that just because someone is a good guy friend, or popular, or good at his job... or anything else... doesn't mean diddly squat in terms of how they might be in a possible relationship.

 

Not long ago, I broke up with someone I dated for four months after he did something that tarnished my trust. When they do this early on, it's time to send them packing.

 

I'm seeing someone now who is deadly close to me cutting things off with too... because his actions are not lining up with his words. Only takes once, maybe twice... and I'm done with them. He is someone who I met through my social circle as well, and people say is a 'nice guy' too... but that is all superficial stuff. People don't see what goes on behind the scenes.

 

learn to detect that faint, small glimmer of reason within you and trust it. If things seem off, then they usually are.

 

You seem to be on the right track. Don't let people convince you otherwise.

[crude]

Reminds me of Jerry Seinfeld recommending someone for Elaine, then she told Jerry that when the guy was about to say goodbye "he took it out".

[Tinie]

Ok, if you don't trust him, then no need to dig further.

 

I don't hate Mr. Sexy Talk either.

 

He is someone who I met through my social circle as well, and people say is a 'nice guy' too... but that is all superficial stuff. People don't see what goes on behind the scenes.

 

learn to detect that faint, small glimmer of reason within you and trust it. If things seem off, then they usually are.

 

You seem to be on the right track. Don't let people convince you otherwise.

 

Whew. I kept thinking what an awful person I was. But this is not the first time guys have been interested in me. This is the first time I felt like I couldn't trust a guy though because I felt like he was showing me the side he figured I'd want to see, not any other ugly sides. I have to admit I saw it coming.

 

And its true, people don't see what else is going on. I think in order to make a fully accurate judgement, people would need to be there and observe all sides of the situation.

 

Thanks muchly