How can you tell if a guy is using you?

[Tinie]

Yep, I'm a total n00b to the dating world. Never had a boyfriend so I don't know. How can you tell if a guy likes you and is interested in a relationship, or if he just wants to get into you pants? Some douches are experts at looking like they're the relationship, committed kind of guy, but are not. How would you know?

[amaysngrace]

Tell him no and see how he reacts.

[Eggplant]

I'm no dating veteren, but the classic way is to not have sex for a while and see whether he is willing to wait.

[Eggplant]

I'd like to say "time will tell." However, I keep reading posts on LS in which somebody has been married 30 years and all the sudden reveals he or she has never been happy, so ...

[Tinie]

Tell him no and see how he reacts.

 

So he'd have to outright ask then? What if you're not in a relationship yet? Isn't that disrespectful? I got asked that before by a guy. It was really insulting. I figured sex is something that happens naturally, when the moment is right or something. Not someone saying "hey I met you a couple days ago, lets go have some sex".

[Eddie Edirol]

So he'd have to outright ask then? What if you're not in a relationship yet? Isn't that disrespectful? I got asked that before by a guy. It was really insulting. I figured sex is something that happens naturally, when the moment is right or something. Not someone saying "hey I met you a couple days ago, lets go have some sex".

 

if you tell a guy that you dont have sex unless youre in a relationship, then you will filter out those guys. After that, you watch the guys actions, if he treats you like a gf, and says youre his gf, then you should be good to go. Actions have to match the words.

[tbf]

A few:

• When he has no interest in who you are and anything about your past.
  
• When his compliments surround your physical appearance, where if asked suddenly, he can't come up with anything else that he appreciates about you or if glib, will suddenly produce traits that you don't have or produce something that skates the surface.
  
• When his words don't match his actions.
  
• Pressures you for sex, even if you're not ready and will split or act like an ass if you don't bend over.
  

[Archgirl]

Is this a hypothetical what if question? Or is there a specific guy whose intentions you're trying to work out?

 

Hypothetically is so general there's no clear way. Added to which people's motivations are often quite mixed and change over time. You do have some power over how it is appropriate to treat you - if you are making active choices about what feels right for you, you can't be used because you aren't a passive victim.

 

But if there is something specific in your life, why not share and get specific advice?

 

Hope this helps xox

[Noproblem]

When you think deep down inside something is not right......

[candie13]

that is the eternal question, my friend. the truth is you won't know unless you start dating him. The more you date him, the more you get to know him. And... sex is a way of getting to know your partner. Spend more time, look clearly at how he behaves, and you'll understand.

 

obviously, there are smarter ways of getting to know this thing... but making mistakes is how one learns best. it's called experience .

 

Go with your instinct, be true to yourself, be honest with him and see what's going on. In the end, these fears are irrational, because deep down you are scared. So stop the analysis and see if you're having a good time with this bloke, instead. To see if he's worth the effort, to begin with.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Nobody can use you if you don't let them...if your gut tells you you're being used, then chances are you are.

 

Trust your instincts and intuition, also don't fall for flattery or charm alone, and never assume a guy is doing X for X reason, always talk and communicate. Communication is the key to seeing through BS and learning what questions to ask, like the things you already know you should be asking.

 

Make sure your emotions are being reciprocated and that you're on the same page, not just by words but through actions and behavior. It should be consistent, if someone is here and there sporadically then that guy isn't going to be relationship material.

 

Be aware, that many guys aren't looking for relationship....but they'll pretend they are, they might even "technically" mean that, however just not with you. Be smarter than that and use your head, learn to read between the lines and also look at what men don't say. Look at their life situation/style, their behavior and when their last relationship is (unless you want to be a rebound) and put that all together and ask yourself if this guy really seems genuine and in a position where he's looking for a girlfriend, or is he out and running around partying all the time or has a history of being unavailable.

 

It's ridiculous to me how much women can know about a man and still take the chance because they think they'll be "special" even when the guys got bad news written all over him. I mean, you can't be that stupid and then expect not to get hurt, that's just your own damn fault...especially if the guy is married or what not, simple things like that often go overlooked by women because they want to believe in the "romance", so don't be your worst enemy...that's definitely a good start.

 

Observe men and their behavior (they're extremely predictable) learn their moves, tactics (they all use the same variation of BS to accomplish their "goal") and be wise to it, be wise to the game and be honest with yourself when you're making a stupid decision...because 99 percent of the time you already know the answer, you're just in daydream land and don't want to accept the reality because you like the douchebag.

[candie13]

you know what bugs me? So many women thinking " does he like me? Like really like me? Like really really like me? Does he do this? Does he do that?"

 

That's BS. How about you? Do you like him? Does he make you laugh? Is he attentive with you, considerate... respectful? If you're having a good time together, date the guy. Meet him. Talk to him. Relate to him. And do all the judging / analysing later, if he's worth the effort.

 

I simply don't understand why a girl would just write a post like that, without giving us any background as for the situation. For all I know, you can be in highschool, this guy can be the first guy who asked for your telephone number and you're already thinking he wants to have sex and use you. Not nice to jump to conclusions.

 

Not saying there are no douchebags out there, but learn to look at a person before labeling him.

[RedRobin]

How can you tell if a guy is using you? The same way you can tell if anyone is using you.

 

They routinely take more than they give and are unwilling or unable to reasonably communicate in ways that express care and fairness to the interests of both people.

 

This is true for business or personal interactions.

[Tinie]

Alright alright. I agree I was being a bit...mysterious. I got into a situation about a month and a half ago, and I've been puzzling over it. Not obsessing, just mystified. Long story short, it was a guy from a previous course. He acted like he liked me from the previous semester, and then after, into this semester. Always said hi whenever he ran into me, asked questions about me, my future plans, everything. He'd ask how my day went, etc. We got closer when I gave him my number and he asked to go with me for coffee. So I did, and had a great time. I even noticed he showed up much earlier than he said! I'm figuring 20 mins earlier than we agreed. Then a few days later, he texts me, saying he wanted to take my pants off. I sent him some really really mean things, but honestly his text was really ugly. I did post about this before but most people probably missed it because I wrote way too much (sorry, my fault). I see him even more often now, and catch him staring, or pointedly looking away, or following me around but he doesn't talk to me.

[Tinie]

Thanks tbf for the post in the other thread. I'm not finished though.

 

I have a friend who is seeing a guy, who fights with her A LOT. He picks fights with her over the smallest things, and it gets to the point where she starts crying and blubbering and begging him to stop. Once he's done yelling at her, he stops talking to her for a week. She goes through hell meanwhile, and he acts like he doesn't care. A week after they're back on tentative speaking terms, and she does her best to please him. Is he using her? They are intimate with each other. She's got a weak personality, which I think makes easy prey for her being used...

Edited April 23, 2013 by Tinie

[Archgirl]

He doesn't sound like a player. Just a guy that has horrible text game.

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^

This.

 

He's interested/attracted to you.

 

He just has no idea how to "get" you.

 

Players don't go to the bother of acting in love or that interested for that long.

[Sparkly24]

I hate to be patronising in any way honey, but really I think guys your age don't really know what the hell they are doing when it comes to speaking to girls. I think he likes you, and is interested, but liking a girl and wanting sex with her for guys that age all come under the same umbrella. He likes you because he wants to have sex with you. He wants to have sex with you because he likes you. I think girls on the other hand see it in a very different way - that if they let boys have sex with them then they are a bit cheap, and a bit easy, and their friends will talk about them etc. So its a bit of a worry mine-field really.

 

If you want to know this guy likes you, and wants to be your boyfriend, and not be interested in other girls, then you need to test him until you are completely sure of his feelings. This absolutely is a test of his actions, rather than his words. Does he flirt with other girls? Does he try and get your attention by showing off? Does he do nice things for you, and make the effort?? I think his sexy text was a massive gamble on his part, and he threw it out there way too early before you were comfortable, and he is probably feeling very awkward about it because of your reaction. If you feel comfortable, then talk to him, and explain to him how you feel, and see what he says. If not, then just move on, there will be other guys down the line!!

[TheGuard13]

you know what bugs me? So many women thinking " does he like me? Like really like me? Like really really like me? Does he do this? Does he do that?"

 

That's BS. How about you? Do you like him? Does he make you laugh? Is he attentive with you, considerate... respectful? If you're having a good time together, date the guy. Meet him. Talk to him. Relate to him. And do all the judging / analysing later, if he's worth the effort.

 

I simply don't understand why a girl would just write a post like that, without giving us any background as for the situation. For all I know, you can be in highschool, this guy can be the first guy who asked for your telephone number and you're already thinking he wants to have sex and use you. Not nice to jump to conclusions.

 

Not saying there are no douchebags out there, but learn to look at a person before labeling him.

 

This. A lot of these posts should be "Am I letting him use me?" or, sometimes, "Am I not getting what I want from him?"

[somedude81]

Alright alright. I agree I was being a bit...mysterious. I got into a situation about a month and a half ago, and I've been puzzling over it. Not obsessing, just mystified. Long story short, it was a guy from a previous course. He acted like he liked me from the previous semester, and then after, into this semester. Always said hi whenever he ran into me, asked questions about me, my future plans, everything. He'd ask how my day went, etc. We got closer when I gave him my number and he asked to go with me for coffee. So I did, and had a great time. I even noticed he showed up much earlier than he said! I'm figuring 20 mins earlier than we agreed. Then a few days later, he texts me, saying he wanted to take my pants off. I sent him some really really mean things, but honestly his text was really ugly. I did post about this before but most people probably missed it because I wrote way too much (sorry, my fault). I see him even more often now, and catch him staring, or pointedly looking away, or following me around but he doesn't talk to me.

So he likes you, and he wants to sleep with you (which is normal) but he isn't smooth about it at all.

 

How did you get the idea that he was using you? Using you for what?

[pbjbear]

There are very few guys who wont use you after you give it out quickly. Wish the world wasnt this way but it is what it is

 

However Im not convinced this guy is doing that. He seems clueless

[Tinie]

Thanks guys for the responses!

 

Sorry I should have rephrased. It looked to me like a pump & dump. I absolutely agree, talking about sex a week after knowing me seemed like way too big of a gamble. I figured, if he indeed was interested, he wouldn't have consciously and knowingly said something like that. It most definitely wasn't an accident.

 

We hadn't talked for 5 weeks. I had apologized and asked to talk to him (through text- we don't have classes together and running into each other is random) but he either ignored me, or said for me to leave him alone and that I'll find a nice guy but that's not him.

 

So I stopped talking to him for the past 5 weeks. I only am asking about it now because his behaviour is really weird. If he indeed wants me to leave him alone, it would be nice if he acted like he wasn't interested. I keep questioning his actions now and that's really annoying. I've started to avoid him but it's obviously not working.

 

And I agree. Guys in their early 20s can act immature (most definitely not saying there aren't any mature guys in their early 20s). Especially in the chemistry department at my school. The guy in question is 23.

[tbf]

Tinie, is sex shameful?

[clia]

It looked to me like a pump & dump.

 

I don't understand at all why you think this. You had coffee with him once. He never even tried to have sex with you! He clearly liked you and was flirting with you. I admit that it was not particularly suave on his part. I still maintain -- as I said in your other thread -- that he was flirting with you and you overreacted. And he decided he was no longer interested in you.

 

I absolutely agree, talking about sex a week after knowing me seemed like way too big of a gamble.

 

Then why on Earth are you still here, five weeks later, asking us about it? If he is such a douchebag pump and dumper, why are you obsessing about it? Why are you even paying attention to him?

 

I figured, if he indeed was interested, he wouldn't have consciously and knowingly said something like that. It most definitely wasn't an accident.

 

He was flirting. Badly, but flirting. He's young. He's immature. Nothing in any of his other actions toward you indicates that he is a player or that he was trying to use you for sex.

 

So I stopped talking to him for the past 5 weeks. I only am asking about it now because his behaviour is really weird. If he indeed wants me to leave him alone, it would be nice if he acted like he wasn't interested.

 

Has he asked you out? Has he texted you? Has he Facebooked you? Has he called you? No? Then he's not interested. Nor is he acting interested. He very clearly told you he wasn't interested and that he wanted you to leave him alone. I think you are still interested in him, though. If you weren't you wouldn't be paying so much attention to what he's doing.

[todreaminblue]

its pretty easy to tell when you are being used......they don't have interest in you other than sex......they dont like taking you out anywhere...they dot6n really introduce you to friends and family.......they cancel dates often, they typically turn up late at night and dont care if you are tired, they dont listen to you when you speak unless of course it is sexual and you commonly feel like a piece of meat around them...you are then.....being used for sex......deb

[Els]

If you feel you would be 'used' if you have sex with a guy who may or may not be interested in a relationship.. then wait til you are in a relationship before you have sex with him. Don't do it with someone who 'talks' about wanting one.. look at his actions.