online breakup?

[grace777]

Okay, so I'm actually not here this time to talk about my 3+ year relationship that ended in Oct. I'm now here to reach out to you guys for any insight about online dating and how it relates to my situation. I am new to the online dating world, and just joined a month or so after my ex and I broke up.

 

When I joined, I was inundated with winks and emails, most of them were from riff-raff. However one girl, really stood out. We started talking online in Nov. and we've been emailing (basically a couple times a week) since then. She lives on the other side of the country, but moves here for work in June. We became relatively close, and both discussed how we'd for sure be friends and couldn't wait to hang out. We also hoped that more would develop. For me, although (on paper) she has everything I want, I have been totally fine even if we are just friends. We're lesbians. I'm new to the lesbian lifestyle. My ex was my first and I really want to create a network of lesbian, feminine friends. That's what me and this girl both are, so at a minimum we'd be friends...best case scenario, we'd run off into the sunset together.

 

We emailed each other this past week a couple of times and it was all good. The last time she emailed me, a few days ago, she mentioned that she committed to an apt. near me, told me where it was, and asked questions about what I've been doing with my week off. I responded, but didn't hear back. That was 4-5 days ago.

 

Today, I checked my email on that site and saw that she's deleted or hidden her account. I'm so confused and I don't know what happened. She just disappeared after nearly 5 months of weekly contact, without warning or explanation. The vibe was good. Everything was fine.

 

I guess I am looking for insight here. I have a hunch that she may have started seeing someone out there in the last few weeks. I got that vibe a couple weeks ago too. I think that's great for her and if she is, she shouldn't be online dating anymore. I get that. Still to disappear, without any warning?? She seems too mature, stable and grounded to just vanish.

 

I have her personal email address, but I don't want to freak out and email her too soon. This just happened today. But then again, she has my contact info. too. If she wanted to, she could find me. Should I just let this go?

 

I'm really disappointed because we had the beginnings of a great friendship, and maybe a great potential relationship, in the works. Then, suddenly, poof - she's gone.

 

Help me out!

[ThatJustHappened]

Is it possible that she just didn't renew her membership to the site?

[grace777]

That's what I'm hoping. I'm not sure if it's wishful thinking. It stinks cuz my confidence was shot after my initial breakup, so now I'm more paranoid than ever about this online thing.

[cavalier99]

Sorry gal. I hope this thing wasnt propping you up too much. While it sounded good it is sorta tough to place too much expectations on somebody youve never met in person.

 

im sorta surprised you never flew out to see her and vice versa to get a real sense if all this communication was worth your time?.

 

Anyway sorry. Id just proceed as if she disappeared. Dont let this push you to contact your old ex. That will definitly go poorly and could start a downward spiral. Cant you go out and meet some bad ass chicks like your self where you live? Hang strong. Cav

[grace777]

Thanks, Cav. To be honest, at first she totally propped me up. But I'm over my issues (mostly) now, so this is just your basic disappointment.

 

She did come out for work for 48 hours one weekend a month ago, but I was out of state visiting my mother at the time. Otherwise, it was just money that kept me from offering. That, and the fact that I wasn't ready until recently to really think of dating someone else. The fact that she was there, but at a distance was good for me and my healing process.

 

Now, however, I'm just confused. She's way too mature and stable to just flat out disappear. I mean who does that? I'm gonna wait a few days and hope it's just a mixup as the other poster said (maybe she didn't renew her contract or whatever). Then I'll send a light email abou the Houdini act.

 

Sometimes when things seem to good to be true, they are?? Lame. I've never thought that, but this past 6 months is teaching me some bitter ways of thinking.

 

Yes, there are places I could go out here - but like an hour away. I live in a richy-rich, uber-republican, super conservative part of a large city. Ahhh well, the silver lining is that she did help me a bit through my breakup by giving me a glimmer of hope.

 

It's still just so weird - to be talking for 5 months weekly and then, just disappear?? Really, who does that? And unlike my immature ex, she's 30, mature, educated and stable. And on that, she's a f-ing psychiatrist so she should know how this kind of stuff messes with people!

 

Whatever - I'll stop my rant.

[cavalier99]

 

Yes, there are places I could go out here - but like an hour away. I live in a richy-rich, uber-republican, super conservative part of a large city. Ahhh well, the silver lining is that she did help me a bit through my breakup by giving me a glimmer of hope.t.

 

Bummer. So i guess like no hot lesbians making out in the street and hanging out, walking aroung holding hands...and no local hangouts except the lesbian country club ? WTF. Lol

 

Have you though about changing your sexualtiy again?...see easy then we could hang! Im well educated too! .i can roll up form my big city to your big city. Probably not too far for me. Im in pretty conservative area also..but oviously doesnt effect me much except that i need to deal with a lot of douche bags..

 

 

...kidding about the sexuality thing...lmao Cav

Edited April 22, 2013 by cavalier99

[grace777]

Hahhaa - you crack me up! But wouldn't it be funny if we were actually neighbors?? That's entirely possible and I'd die! And then be stoked an insist on a night of drinks!

 

As for my sexuality, well idk what I am. I am attracted to men and women, but I've only had that amazing spark and deep love with a woman, who just happened to be the first woman I dated. I have however dated many men, even thought I was in love with one, but the rest (and even him honestly) were all douchebags!

 

Haha - so maybe I am in your city!

 

Anyways, I'm gonna keep my focus on me. Work out like a mofo, ride my bike along the beach, hang with friends and live my life. Love will find me again. It has to. And summer's almost here - something good has to come my way soon. I can feel it.

[candie13]

sorry to be so crude, but I've seen it happen a few times: new guy comes to town, dates this chick who knows the deal in the new city. Gets all the info, makes some friends, and then dumps the girl

 

maybe the new comer used you to understand which area is best to live in, stuff like that. Still wouldn't account for the emailing back and forth, but still

 

one thing is for sure: someone who is dead interested doesn't just disappear. Learn to look better before investing yourself emotionally in any sort of relationships.

 

I don't do OLD, but to me, the purpose of OLD is to meet people IRL. So next time, give is a few days / weeks and then set up a date, to meet the person behind the screen. Saves time and reduces the expectations. Oh... and why the hell would you ever agree to talk to someone from the other part of the country? Relationships are really hard as they are, without the distance adding up to the "beauty" of it.

[grace777]

Hi Candie - thanks for the reply and your insight.

 

I sincerely don't believe she used me at all. We talked about all kinds of things for months - from "The Walking Dead," to quantum theory, to love and relationships, things we both enjoy, etc. Only in the last month, since she's been searching for a place, have we discussed details about the area in which I live.

 

If anything, I think she met someone in her current city and feels she needs to focus on that. But this is all just speculation.

 

And why did I even entertain the idea of talking to someone across the country? Well, for starters, she's awesome. She also made it perfectly clear that she's moving to my area in June from the get-go. Back when we met, I was just wanting a distraction from my ex. This girl was/is amazing and super fun to talk to. After a couple of months, the new online girl wasn't just a distraction, but became an actual friend. Now she'll be here soon, so the excitement began to build.

 

This is why it's a shocker that she'd fall off the radar like this. I agree, I'd only chat online for a couple of weeks before meeting someone...but these circumstances were different. And at the time, they worked for my emotional state.

 

Anyways, I appreciate your feedback and perspective.

[laceyjane]

Maybe something came up on her side and had to do delete her account and all that. Try waiting it out for a few days or weeks. If she's really interested, she'll make the effort of contacting you again and explain. If not.. well, it can be another "charge to experience" life offers. Lol

[Emilia]

I'm really disappointed because we had the beginnings of a great friendship, and maybe a great potential relationship, in the works. Then, suddenly, poof - she's gone.

 

Help me out!

 

Sorry but online relationships are built on false intimacy and aren't real. They are a fantasy. Until you meet someone you can't claim you know them the slightest

[Am4Real]

Grace, you probably want to post this in the dating forum; lots of people there with online experience who could tell you all of their horror stories with online dating.

 

However, your story sounds (to me) that your electronic relationship reached its maximum elevation. It's time to meet up and in your case relocate. Now think about it, would you honestly relocate to be with someone you never met before. Not even an Apple FACETIME session first?

 

Something seems way off or maybe I'm missing details in my quick read of your post, but it sounds to me like she disappeared for a specific reason. Is it possible someone locally is "playing" you, your EX perhaps? Or, can you recount other specifics that don't seem normal?

 

Hate to burst your hopes, but something really "stinks".

[candie13]

This girl was/is amazing and super fun to talk to. After a couple of months, the new online girl wasn't just a distraction, but became an actual friend. Now she'll be here soon, so the excitement began to build.

 

This is why it's a shocker that she'd fall off the radar like this. I agree, I'd only chat online for a couple of weeks before meeting someone...but these circumstances were different. And at the time, they worked for my emotional state.

 

Anyways, I appreciate your feedback and perspective.

 

ever heard of the quote:

I'm not like all the others girls.

Signed all the other girls

 

If you did become actual friends, she wouldn't have disappeared. Unfortunately, because she was so "amazing" and "superfun to talk to", you've lead yourself to believe you had something. This is your fault of logic. Admit it and learn from it.

 

I respect your passion, your emotional involvement and your beliefs, but the circumstances are never different. Things are what they are. You can deny them. You may believe really really hard that they are different. No beliefs or wishful thinking ever changed the hard reality.

 

I say "look at facts". She took off. It may not mean all you had was false or her trying to use you. But it does show that you don't really get to know a person - the depth of their feelings, if they're telling the truth or not - unless you meet them IRL. Sorry, anything else may just as well be a fantasy.

[cavalier99]

Wow "Walking Dead" and "Quantum theory" are like 2 of my favorite subjects! Are we related?. I bet you were a total stoner back in the day!) Cav

[Gottabestrong]

Hi Grace,

if you would really be cool with just being friends and nothing more, I would recommend you wait a week or so to see if she contacts you (she has your emailaddress, right?).

 

If you don't hear from her then I would send her a short email saying that you saw she deleted her account. You think that she might have deleted her account because she met somebody and in that case you are happy for her, but you would still like to be friends when she moves to your city and to give you a shout when she actually gets there.

 

And then I would leave it at that and try not to think about her much anymore.

 

Good luck!

[Imajerk17]

You may send her an email to her personal address. It's appropriate after all that writing back and forth, and what do you have to lose.

 

In fact, I am surprised that the two of you haven't taken things off the dating site yet. I am a guy dating girls and I move things off the dating site by the time I send the 3rd email. I get that the two of you are currently long-distance but there is still phone or Skype.

[grace777]

Grace, you probably want to post this in the dating forum; lots of people there with online experience who could tell you all of their horror stories with online dating.

 

However, your story sounds (to me) that your electronic relationship reached its maximum elevation. It's time to meet up and in your case relocate. Now think about it, would you honestly relocate to be with someone you never met before. Not even an Apple FACETIME session first?

 

Something seems way off or maybe I'm missing details in my quick read of your post, but it sounds to me like she disappeared for a specific reason. Is it possible someone locally is "playing" you, your EX perhaps? Or, can you recount other specifics that don't seem normal?

 

Hate to burst your hopes, but something really "stinks".

 

Hi AM - I think I will post it there, to see if there's any additional feedback. I'm new to OLD and only did it to fill a void at at the time. This just sort of took off. I agree that we reached a point where we needed to meet. And since she's moving out here in two months, we didn't talk at all about one of us relocating -- because she is.

 

I have honestly thought a lot about if she was playing me or whatever. I sincerely don't think she was, but I'll admit that something does "stink." It's very strange. And I've also wondered if it was my ex. But honestly, I don't think my ex is capable of shelling out the details we discussed. I really believe that she is who she said she is. I did my own investigation online and think she's legit.

 

I really think she met someone in her current city and is therefore taking down her profile for now. Either that or she's just suddenly over the "friendship" for some reason unknown to me.

 

Ahh well, time will tell.

Thanks for the feedback!

[grace777]

Hi Grace,

if you would really be cool with just being friends and nothing more, I would recommend you wait a week or so to see if she contacts you (she has your emailaddress, right?).

 

If you don't hear from her then I would send her a short email saying that you saw she deleted her account. You think that she might have deleted her account because she met somebody and in that case you are happy for her, but you would still like to be friends when she moves to your city and to give you a shout when she actually gets there.

 

And then I would leave it at that and try not to think about her much anymore.

 

Good luck!

 

Thanks! I think this is the best advice on this topic I've gotten yet...and most likely what I'll do. Trying to be patient for now.

[grace777]

so now that i've been moved to this page, do any of you have advice or insight for me?