Broken heart LDR dumpee...

[130R]

Hi, I've been coming to the forum for a while to learn from everyone's mistakes and successes.

 

I am 27 years old. My Ex Fiance is 25

 

We met about 6 years ago at community college. We became a couple on new years of 2008 after talking about dating for 6 months. Since then it's been quite an adventure with her as we have been together for 5 years, 4 months. We have had our share of great times and fights. I taught her how to drive a car when her parents didn't want her to. When she had a falling out with her dad, she moved out of her family's house to live with me. We have been living together for 4 years.

 

School has not been a smooth road for us since we've always had to struggle financially. We took community college slow and both received AA degrees

 

In 2012 there became a crossroads for us. She got accepted to the university nearby, and I got accepted to another 200 miles away. I really wanted to stay and try again to get into that same college. However we both came to the conclusion that it would be better to take the opportunity. This way she could have space to do her schoolwork, miss me, and be free. I took the move really hard. We even broke up for a short time in the summer because of my indecision to stay or go. I knew that it was a great opportunity and that I shouldn't waste it, but I feel like I moved away to make things better for her, and not make things better for me, if you guys know what I mean.

 

Before I left, one day I needed to use her computer (I forget what for) and found out she had been talking to another guy for the past 5 months. Their conversations would last hours like how we used to talk before we started dating. I didn't think much of it then, and never brought it up since their conversation dates were so sporadic.

 

Things started off rough, but things eventually subsided with the LDR. I proposed to her on our 5th year anniversary. She said yes. Ever since then she has told me she has been having doubts about our engagement. She says that I may have been too late in proposing. She says that now she is in a university that she doesn't want to miss out on the experience. However, she says all these things when she's mad at me. When she gets mad at me, it's because I have taken up too much time from her schoolwork or haven't given her enough time to breath. With a quarter system like both of our universities, it's always hard to gauge how much is enough time to spend with one another on face time or on the phone because our schedules are always changing.on the 20th of January I broke to her that I knew about that guy she was talking to on facebook. She acknowledged that he was just a classmate friend and nothing more. She has been jealous of other girls around me before and I always let the other girls who my girl is... more on this later. I believed her and thought nothing of it.

 

Fast forward to now. This past year she received a grant that she wont be getting next year. This means she will have to work a lot of hours to pay for school. Her parents make no money. They don't ask her for money, but can't help her out either. She looks to me for what little financial support I can offer (because I'm a student too) and emotional support.

 

However, my emotional support is not always there. There are times where I disagree with her decisions. I feel like i know what's going on when I don't and it's a terrible trait I have. I have started counseling to figure out why I keep doing things like that.

 

On monday she was telling me about her living situation. She was telling me that she will be moving into a house with 6 other people. This alarmed me because 1.) that's a lot of people 2.) how is she ever going to have privacy 3.) She's going to share our mutual belongings with 6 others.

 

I didn't take her decision the right way and was looking for other options. This stressed both of us out and we decided to just talk later. I call her at 9 (we always facetime at 9) to watch a show together. We start to watch it, and then we start arguing about her moving situation again and then she brings up that guy she used to talk to on facebook. Basically, they started chatting when I called her. She immediately regretted talking to him and said it was stupid on her part. But me being me, I blew it out of proportion and made the whole situation worse. What happened next is that she started telling me that she won't stop talking to him and that she doesn't want to miss out on experiencing college. The word break up was mentioned in the end of our conversation, I dont remember too much of it because it was hurting me She mentioned planning on giving me back the ring and she hung up on me. She has done this before when she first had doubts about the engagement. But I gave her time to breathe and she came back to me.

 

All I want for her is to finish school smoothly. I'm on track to finish school in 2 years. Her program is going to take 4 years and she is going to be at least 30k in debt when she's done. I want her to know that I have her best intentions in mind, and it makes me nervous when she's out partying or hanging out with friends. It's like the order of importance is School, Partying, Us for her and for me it's School, Us, Partying. She says she loves me all the time except when we're arguing like now.

 

I'm really at my wits end. I love her so much. I'm 100% committed to marrying her after my 5 years of indecision. I've always been there for her in the good times and bad. I've encouraged her and supported her. Right now we are broken up. I deleted her on facebook on Monday but have requested to add her back this morning and sent her an apology message. I called her yesterday but she didn't answer. I don't know what to do now. I don't want to lose her. I asked her what I would have to do to win her back and she said -graduate. Im in a new place with no real support but hers. I freeze up whenever my phone gives me a notification, hoping it's something from her.

 

Please help with whatever input you may have. There are a lot of details I'm missing and wont hesitate to talk about them for better clarity on my particular situation.

 

Thanks

[laceyjane]

Hello. I'm in no position to tell you what to do because I'm currently in a situation where I don't know what to do either lol but I know I'm trying my best to mend my broken heart and move on. Just a little background: I came from an almost 4 years LDR. On our second year, I've decided to move to a different country to be closer to him. We weren't able to live together because he was with his parents - he was still finishing college and his situation at home wasn't helping him finish school either or maybe that was he was trying to perceive, I don't know now. I was in CA living with my cousin while he was in PA. He became addicted to heroin and it all became so toxic that moving in together was becoming impossible. We had a lot of plans together - most of that was done by myself. There were many times we have broken up but didn't happen successfully because we were too in loved until I'd like to think that it was just me all alone being in loved. There were a lot of second chances but also a lot of crying and confusion. I'm not going to tell you to move on now because I know even if I say that, it would be impossible with all the emotions you're going through but you have to give yourself some respect - it doesn't matter whose fault it was or who has a bigger upper hand in the break up. I suggest take this time for yourself. Focus with school. They suggest the No Contact rule - practice that. It will be hard, you will have relapses lol but keep trying. If you fall down doing it, don't stay face flat on the ground. Stand up and try again. Just keep trying to give yourself some space too. I know you love her with all your heart, I know what it feels like but it will get tiring if you're the only one who wants the relationship to still work until you're left with just self pity and it will only make you feel more miserable. Love and forgive yourself. I know it's hard, but it's not the end of your journey. Maybe it's just a phase. Nobody really knows what is ahead of us, right? Take this time slowly for yourself. Maybe you'll know what to do next while you're on it. :-)