the_entertainer1 Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I met this guy through a dating site just over 2 months ago. We talked for about a fortnight before meeting up. We'd exchanged numbers but I was the one who had to text him first (which then inspired him to call me). We went on 5 dates in just over 4 weeks. Then he left for an overseas trip (which he'd been planning for ages). He's still away for another 10 days or so, but we've been in contact through Sykpe, Viber and Facebook every couple of days. He's a nice guy. We have lots of similar interests. We're both similar in the fact that we don't have very much dating experience. I've never been on this many dates with the same guy before, and I've only every kissed one guy. He told me that he hasn't had much (any) experience before and I'm not sure if he's even kissed a girl before. He's from the country and a little awkward (but still good-looking) so perhaps it's just been through lack of opportunity. The only physical intimacy we've had has been a few hugs on our dates. He hasn't even tried to hold my hand or kiss me, though there have probably been opportune moments. I get that he's shy, but I am as well. I'm reluctant to make the first move, and I find it more 'romantic' (for lack of a better word) when the guy does. I still worry about my kissing 'technique'! Lol. At the moment we don't seem to be able to connect on a deeper, or less superficial level. Even though I'm trying to be flirty and give obvious 'signs', he's not responding very much - too 'polite' and courteous, and not particularly spontaneous (though this might change when he gets back from his trip!) He doesn't seem to respond to some of the things that I say in the ways that 'everyone' says that guys 'usually' respond. Yes, it could be that he's "just not that into me". But if he wasn't, would he be contacting me so often while he's overseas? He even got me a little gift on my birthday, even though we'd known each other less than a month. I don't know. I'm almost thinking that we need to have a talk about where the relationship is going. I think that if it keeps going the way it has been, we might evolve into 'just friends'. Or maybe we should go on another date when he gets back, to see if anything has changed? I said I'm shy, but I can be quite confident. I just need some more indication from him that he actually does like me. I like him, but I'm not totally head over heels. I think these things need time. But at the same time, I'm a little frustrated. I kind of thought we'd've had our first kiss by now. How else can we continue to build up our rapport/chemistry on a deeper level? Should we actually talk about it? (or do guys hate that?)
Author the_entertainer1 Posted April 22, 2013 Author Posted April 22, 2013 So no-one's got any advice then?
AMusing Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 If he's making an effort to communicate with you while he's away, I'd take that as a pretty darn good sign that he likes you. Ditto with the birthday present. From reading posts here & talking to my friends, the very shy guys are just as concerned about their relationships devolving into platonic ones as you are. They don't want that to happen at all--they are just too shy and full of self-doubt to initiate physical contact. You're still very new in the relationship, in my eyes you don't need to worry about building a deep connection quite yet. Just enjoy getting to know each other, and the deeper bonds will happen naturally. It sounds like the lack of physical intimacy is more worrying for you though, not emotional intimacy? Why do you think he's never kissed a girl before? How are you being "obviously" flirtatious? Some guys are oblivious to "obvious" hints; they are just too stuck in their own fears and self-doubts to see the writing on the wall. And how old are you two by the way? I totally understand the desire for the man to initiate the first kiss, but perhaps you can take the lead (more than you have been doing) the next time you go out? That is, touch his shoulder when you talk, compliment him (in this case, something physical is best), maybe even take his hand.
clia Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I'm confused. Is he still out of the country? (The reason why I'm confused is that you mention you thought you'd have kissed by now, but if he's been gone, I don't see how that could have happened.) If he is out of the country, I don't see what more he could do to show his interest than keep in touch with you, which is what he is doing. What more are you expecting at thi spoint? He can't kiss you through the screen. He may find it difficult to build rapport and be spontaneous electronically -- some people do. I think for now you should sit tight and wait for him to get back into town. Then go on another date and see how things progress once you can physically be together.
TKizz Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 It sounds like you have a lot of expectations. You expect him to react in the way OTHER guys would respond, you expect him to make the first move, you expect a certain response when you flirt with him. And yet, you are both inexperienced! You know that he's shy and awkward, how can you expect him to conform to social norms that he may not even be aware of, let alone be comfortable with? I understand that you're shy as well, but making the first move doesn't have to mean jumping his bones; you could just reach for his hand, or put your hand on his shoulder when you're talking, put your hand on his knee if you're sitting next to each other, etc. Let him be himself with all this, and if you can't stand it any more, just ask him how he feels about you! =3 1
Author the_entertainer1 Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 Exactly what are you doing to be flirty with him? "The Usual", I guess. The stereotypical things of playing with my hair (lol), smiling, giving eye contact, laughing at his jokes, lightly touching his arm/shoulder, complimenting him. Are these obvious? Or do we girls just think they're obvious?
Author the_entertainer1 Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 It sounds like the lack of physical intimacy is more worrying for you though, not emotional intimacy? It's both. I'd rather it be emotional intimacy before physical intimacy, to be honest. I just thought that there had been opportunities for us to kiss, that he didn't take. Why do you think he's never kissed a girl before? How are you being "obviously" flirtatious? Some guys are oblivious to "obvious" hints; they are just too stuck in their own fears and self-doubts to see the writing on the wall. And how old are you two by the way? I think that he's never kissed a girl before because he told me that he was 'inexperienced' (whatever that means). But also, there have been moments when the time seemed right for a kiss, but he didn't initiate (though neither did I). In terms of me being "obviously flirtatious" - as I posted above, I've been doing (what I consider to be) "the usual": playing with my hair (lol), smiling, giving eye contact, laughing at his jokes, lightly touching his arm/shoulder, complimenting him. Are these actually obvious though? To answer your last question: I just turned 24 and he's 25.
Author the_entertainer1 Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 I'm confused. Is he still out of the country? (The reason why I'm confused is that you mention you thought you'd have kissed by now, but if he's been gone, I don't see how that could have happened.) If he is out of the country, I don't see what more he could do to show his interest than keep in touch with you, which is what he is doing. What more are you expecting at thi spoint? He can't kiss you through the screen. He may find it difficult to build rapport and be spontaneous electronically -- some people do. I think for now you should sit tight and wait for him to get back into town. Then go on another date and see how things progress once you can physically be together. Thanks - he's still out of the country. Sorry if that was confusing. I meant that we'd been on five dates before he left, and I thought that we'd've kissed before he left. Anyway, he gets back later this week. We haven't communicated for a couple of days but he's in Vegas and I thought I'd take a step back and let him party! lol. Perhaps a bad idea? I'm looking forward to him coming back, but I'm a little worried too. It was his first trip overseas and he went by himself, and then on a Topdeck tour with a group of other people for around 14 days. I think it will be great for his confidence in some ways. But in other ways, I'm sure it'll make everything back home seem boring by comparison (I know that's how I've felt when returning from overseas). Is it natural for me to feel that way?
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