movingon45 Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 Someone shared this article http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sticky-bonds/201004/lets-talk-again-month-now and it's very helpful, however, I don't get the difference between NC and cold turkey. Aren't they the same thing?? I've also read it mentioned here in one of the posts that cold turkey, not NC is the way to go.
AnotherRound Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 Interesting article. I agree with the sentiment that NC doesn't work - that it offers some kind of hope for contact at a later date, or something like that. I also agree that forcing NC doesn't work - that people have to choose where they are or it's just an act that they don't sincerely feel and will end up revealing itself as so. I tried to do the NC thing initially, bc after reading here I was convinced it was the way to go. But, it never felt "right" to me. It definitely felt forced, to myself and to exMM - we WANTED to be in contact, acting as if we didn't wasn't going to do anyone any good. I don't consider it an addiction when you are emotionally bonded with someone and want to connect with them - I consider it a relationship, lol. Now, if exMM had WANTED NC - that would have been an entirely different story. If he had wanted to work on his marriage and told me that he wanted that MORE than he wanted contact with me - I would have gone NC simply bc I don't throw myself at someone that tells me that they don't want me. But, that never happened - we both wanted the contact, and as two grown adults, it seemed silly to deny ourselves that - for what purpose? It served no purpose in our situation except to make both of us miserable, and it didn't make anyone happy except maybe his wife while they were divorcing - but by then, it really was none of her business what he and I were doing. What do you think about the article? Did you agree with it? I could see that for those forcing NC that it could make the affair seem more desirable - another reason I would never force someone else to go NC with anyone. If I found out my partner was having an affair, I would simply make my decisions. If they wanted to work it out yet continued to see the AP - I would take that to mean that they didn't really want to work it out - and instead of taking their communication tools away from them and hiding them, or snooping all the time to somehow try to force NC with the threat of a negative reaction or a stern talking to, I would simply take them at their action (continuing contact with their AP) and remove myself from the situation. No, it wouldn't be easy - but I control only myself, and if my partner is making decisions that I disagree with, I don't try to get them to "see the light", I just choose to make my own decisions, in response to theirs of not truly wanting NC. 2
lifelesson101 Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I have been going NC for over two months. When my MM sent me the NC note, I viewed it as the "grand-finale." We were done, we were over. I did not even respond to the NC note. There has been nothing from him or me to him. I don't think I misunderstood anything. 3
DelusionalOne Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I think that in the context of the article, NC is not the way to go. But the way "we" do NC out here on LS... it's not a temporary thing... it's permanent. Funny, I just realized something... I never got an NC letter/text/message from xMOM. He had a d-day but he never told me not to contact him again. I guess I just assumed it. It was initiated and obviously, maintained by me. Whatever. Still the best decision. 1
Author movingon45 Posted April 22, 2013 Author Posted April 22, 2013 Interesting article. What do you think about the article? Did you agree with it? . I read the article again, and I agree. Forcing NC is not healthy. It just becomes an addiction and more desirable. NC on the article was like taking a break. Delaying the inevitable, I think. Cold Turkey is the real NC. Personally, I would just let the A run its course unless there's a d-day, or as you mentioned, if the partner says he/she is done. I think APs will eventually get tired of the deceit and the double life. The excitement, because it's a secret and forbidden, will eventually die down if you do it often enough just like in most marriages. Just my own personal opinion. 1
AnotherRound Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I read the article again, and I agree. Forcing NC is not healthy. It just becomes an addiction and more desirable. NC on the article was like taking a break. Delaying the inevitable, I think. Cold Turkey is the real NC. Personally, I would just let the A run its course unless there's a d-day, or as you mentioned, if the partner says he/she is done. I think APs will eventually get tired of the deceit and the double life. The excitement, because it's a secret and forbidden, will eventually die down if you do it often enough just like in most marriages. Just my own personal opinion. I get that. In my case, there was no deceit, so that probably helps me not feel "addicted" I guess. I have never felt "addicted" to any person - or any relationship. If they work, I like them and want them to continue - if they don't, I can walk away - no big deal. I can see how the secrecy and such could maybe cause some to feel addicted. And yeah - everything dies down that isn't nurtured, everything. 1
skylarblue Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I only skimmed the article, but as I understand it (if I understand correctly), it is not discussing NC in the context of ending the A (which is how I view it). It is discussing going on an agreed and/or temporary break, Intermittence, and/or trial NC. Two completely different things with two completely different goals. I don't look at "breaking NC early" as the same as breaking "NC period, ever". There is no ultimate goal, nothing you're striving for, if you're still in the A and just agreeing to not talk for a day, a week, a month. Why even all the misery if you know you're going to be right back together after that time. A trial NC is also just that, a trial. To try something for a period, see how it goes, and make a decision afterwards as to whether you do or don't want it (50/50). I believe points are valid in that context, but I consider NC to be what the author considers "cold turkey". A few other opinions about the article: a cocaine addict will not choose drugs over whatever EVERY single time, otherwise recovered addicts would not exist. Second, maybe the notice of NC topic had more to do with more of the general population having access to computers and other internet capable technology in 2010 than in 1993 and less the probability that less people were having As back then. Third, unlike the gambler, the intermittent reinforcement that the OW experience IS predictable and known and at her control since she is agreeing to the length of the break, and can collect that pay-off at any time by just breaking NC early. If her pay-off is to have MM leave his M, and she keeps playing in hopes of (unless he has left before but returned), she has no tangible incentive that continuing to play will equate to eventually "winning". NC only needs one person to make it stick. Like any habit/thing someone is trying to break, it only works if you work it and if you want it.
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