Weezy1973 Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 Ask him out. Seriously - there isn't ANYTHING to lose. What's the worse that can happen (serious question)?
Star Gazer Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 Ask him out. Seriously - there isn't ANYTHING to lose. What's the worse that can happen (serious question)? She sets herself up as the pursuer, decides she likes him, wonders if he said yes only because she asked and if he'd ever have asked her out independently, waits around for the second date, he doesn't ask, so she asks him out for a second date, he says yes, she likes him even more, wonders if he's just going along with date invites because he doesn't have anything better to do, etc., etc. 1
Disinterested Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 Oh, c'mon. You're just trying to justify having to chase a man. If he's interested in you, sees you fairly often, says "hi," and has you on his FB... What reason would he possibly have to not ask you out? He's either painfully shy, which does not suit ES's needs, or he's not interested enough to approach and ask her out. Either way, it's a problem. It depends on the work culture of a society but British/American work culture is pretty stuffy and many times especially in the white collar world can act as a barrier.
Els Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I think a good balance between you straight-out asking him out, and just waiting to be asked out, is to simply initiate some conversation with him. What I've noticed, with regards to the quieter variety of guys, is that sometimes all they need is a bit of encouragement. If you give that to them AND they are interested in you, they can and do make the first move. That being said, if 'shy' doesn't do it for you, then there is no purpose in going further with this guy. It'd be a major incompatibility from the start. 5
Disinterested Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 She sets herself up as the pursuer, decides she likes him, wonders if he said yes only because she asked and if he'd ever have asked her out independently, waits around for the second date, he doesn't ask, so she asks him out for a second date, he says yes, she likes him even more, wonders if he's just going along with date invites because he doesn't have anything better to do, etc., etc. I don't see ES as the kind to stick around that long for that.
BluEyeL Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 Ask him out. Seriously - there isn't ANYTHING to lose. What's the worse that can happen (serious question)? I think the worse would be: 1. He is somewhat attracted to her, but not ready to ask her out and her chasing will kill his attraction. 2. He will say yes, but not be really into it and she'll be in a "thing" that will fail and give her headaches. But both of these are not nuclear events, so I guess she could ask him out and please report back so we can verify our theories 1
Star Gazer Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 It depends on the work culture of a society but British/American work culture is pretty stuffy and many times especially in the white collar world can act as a barrier. She's neither British or American. And I disagree about the latter. It depends entirely on the particular workplace. That said, FB isn't the workplace.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 22, 2013 Author Posted April 22, 2013 I will think on this a bit more. I haven't initiated conversation with him or flirted with him at all. I bet he doesn't know I am interested. I may just try to talk to him more and see if he steps up... 7
Star Gazer Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I will think on this a bit more. I haven't initiated conversation with him or flirted with him at all. I bet he doesn't know I am interested. I may just try to talk to him more and see if he steps up... Yes, good. Do some winky, winky... twirl the hair. Proverbially, of course. 4
Disinterested Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 She's neither British or American. And I disagree about the latter. It depends entirely on the particular workplace. That said, FB isn't the workplace. She's Australian iirc which might have a similar work culture. It isn't all Crocodile Dundee. This isn't the facebook of someone he met through his social life but his work life. It could have the same liabilities as if he did it at work and people get weird about pm'ing on facebook. Too many contradicting theories on what is acceptable facebook etiquette.
Star Gazer Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 She's Australian iirc which might have a similar work culture. It isn't all Crocodile Dundee. This isn't the facebook of someone he met through his social life but his work life. It could have the same liabilities as if he did it at work and people get weird about pm'ing on facebook. Too many contradicting theories on what is acceptable facebook etiquette. You're just working up some crazy conspiracy theories for why he hasn't approached, aren't ya?
Disinterested Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I will think on this a bit more. I haven't initiated conversation with him or flirted with him at all. I bet he doesn't know I am interested. I may just try to talk to him more and see if he steps up... If you do be consistent. I've had a girl recently who flirts with me at work but how she acts towards me changes like the weather. I don't know where her interest lies so I ignore her. She has given the impression she doesn't like that at times.
Disinterested Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 You're just working up some crazy conspiracy theories for why he hasn't approached, aren't ya? Yeah I got my hammy, my tinfoil hat, and my lead lined concrete bunker.
tuxedo cat Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 Some guys really just are that shy. I think that he likes you but he's extremely shy based on what you've said. I fear that a guy like this would ultimately be weak and maybe even cold with a woman who fully reciprocated interest--typical doormat type. That's been my (limited) experience with very shy, "nice" guys. Generally I've noticed very shy men are more often underhanded, evasive and indirect. Let me clarify I'm talking about guys who aren't just a little shy, but so shy that they are unable to ask out a woman who has given them ample opportunity to make a move. They may seem like safe bets but actually some of the choicest jerks I've dated were "very shy" so I personally avoid men like that. Here's what I think: if you ask him out he will date you but if you give him your heart you will ultimately get hurt. The only relationships I've seen work out with very shy men are ones where there is a real power imbalance and the woman is much more aggressive, consuming the man's personality. I doubt that's the kind of relationship you're looking for. 1
Disinterested Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 asking her out could get him fired and charged with sexual harassment. That is the issue. Women can ask without getting written up for SH but males have to be careful.
Els Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I fear that a guy like this would ultimately be weak and maybe even cold with a woman who fully reciprocated interest--typical doormat type. That's been my (limited) experience with very shy, "nice" guys. Generally I've noticed very shy men are more often underhanded, evasive and indirect. Let me clarify I'm talking about guys who aren't just a little shy, but so shy that they are unable to ask out a woman who has given them ample opportunity to make a move. They may seem like safe bets but actually some of the choicest jerks I've dated were "very shy" so I personally avoid men like that. ES has barely spoken a few words to him. I would not classify a guy who does not ask her out after a few "Hi"s in the hallway as 'very very shy'. Some guys actually have to get to know a woman before feeling interested enough to ask her out.
Star Gazer Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 ES has barely spoken a few words to him. I would not classify a guy who does not ask her out after a few "Hi"s in the hallway as 'very very shy'. Some guys actually have to get to know a woman before feeling interested enough to ask her out. ES is the one who described him as "very shy" given her interactions and observations of him in person and on FB.
tuxedo cat Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 ES has barely spoken a few words to him. I would not classify a guy who does not ask her out after a few "Hi"s in the hallway as 'very very shy'. Some guys actually have to get to know a woman before feeling interested enough to ask her out. She wrote that he is "nerdy and really shy."
Els Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 ES is the one who described him as "very shy" given her interactions and observations of him in person and on FB. She wrote that he is "nerdy and really shy." Yes, but ES's definition of 'very shy' may not actually be the same as tuxedo cat's definition of 'very shy'. Tuxedo seems to be talking more about the doormat, passive-aggressive "nice" guy sort of shy, whereas ES's shy seems to just be based on the fact that this guy is nerdy and seems like a less socially outgoing introvert (IMO). I have found no correlation between the two in my experience.
tuxedo cat Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 Yes, but ES's definition of 'very shy' may not actually be the same as tuxedo cat's definition of 'very shy'. Tuxedo seems to be talking more about the doormat, passive-aggressive "nice" guy sort of shy, whereas ES's shy seems to just be based on the fact that this guy is nerdy and seems like a less socially outgoing introvert (IMO). I have found no correlation between the two in my experience. Weird, I think there actually is a strong overlap. I've known outgoing doormats too but I think very shy men are way more likely to be submissive in their relationships. It makes sense. 2
Disinterested Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 Weird, I think there actually is a strong overlap. I've known outgoing doormats too but I think very shy men are way more likely to be submissive in their relationships. It makes sense. Won't know until the pants are off.
Els Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 To quote your definition of shy again: so shy that they are unable to ask out a woman who has given them ample opportunity to make a move This is not the same as a mere introvert, which is all that ES really knows about this guy. There has not been 'ample opportunity for him to make a move' due to their interaction being extremely limited, hence it seems a bit premature to lump him in that category. Weird, I think there actually is a strong overlap. I've known outgoing doormats too but I think very shy men are way more likely to be submissive in their relationships. It makes sense. Well, seems that our experience differs. Though, again, I have not dated guys who are shy in the sense that you mentioned (unable to ask out a woman they are interested in after ample time and opportunity) - I have dated introverts like myself, and they have all asked me out. Neither is there an imbalanced power dynamic in my R. People often mistake nerds or introverts as 'really shy' or 'doormats', when they do not really know the person. Sometimes their inner strength can surprise you when you get to know them. Regardless, if someone innately prefers outgoing or aggressive men then there is no purpose to being with a man who is not, as I have said. I just think it's quite stereotypical to categorize all introverts as the same. 1
tuxedo cat Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 (edited) To quote your definition of shy again: This is not the same as a mere introvert, which is all that ES really knows about this guy. There has not been 'ample opportunity for him to make a move' due to their interaction being extremely limited, hence it seems a bit premature to lump him in that category. Well, seems that our experience differs. Though, again, I have not dated guys who are shy in the sense that you mentioned (unable to ask out a woman they are interested in after ample time and opportunity) - I have dated introverts like myself, and they have all asked me out. Neither is there an imbalanced power dynamic in my R. People often mistake nerds or introverts as 'really shy' or 'doormats', when they do not really know the person. Sometimes their inner strength can surprise you when you get to know them. Regardless, if someone innately prefers outgoing or aggressive men then there is no purpose to being with a man who is not, as I have said. I just think it's quite stereotypical to categorize all introverts as the same. I don't think of introverted and shy as being one and the same. There are plenty of people who are socially at ease but introverted in that they prefer more alone time. That's very different from shy. Someone who is very shy will typically avoid confrontation and that is pretty much a problem in any relationship, although it may work better for people who are less sensitive and willing to make most decisions for the couple. Edited April 22, 2013 by tuxedo cat 2
tuxedo cat Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 Does ES know which one this guy is? Maybe she could answer that question. But I'm guessing she means shy in the socially passive sense because introversion is usually less readily apparent. 1
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