bitterruin Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I don't know why I thought this would be easier the second time around. I broke up with him two days ago after we got back together for two months. While I was with him I was very unhappy and I tried to convince myself that I wasn't any happier being with him than I was when single. I guess I forgot the pain, the loneliness, the emptiness, the bad dreams, the stabs to the heart, missing him, and crying every time the memories come back. If I had remembered how intensely this pain felt I wouldn't have walked away. I know in my head it was a dead end, that's why when he begged me not to give up just yet I didn't let him convince me. Now all I remember is that no matter how bad things got at least I wasn't in my room crying for two hours straight. I wish I could hear his voice again. And it sucks that I can't call him and take it all back. He begged me not to walk away that night and at least keep our counseling appointment for Friday but I said that there was no point, the next day when I told him I would go if it will make him feel better and still wants to fight for the relationship he told me to f*ck off. I didn't really want things to end, I was out of energy and felt like I'd done everything for him and he was unwilling to put in the effort, now that I'm completely done I told him it was his turn to fight and he just gave up the next day. I'm still going to that appointment, I need to. It's a way to say goodbye to this relationship, whether he's there or not. I know he won't be.
Author bitterruin Posted April 22, 2013 Author Posted April 22, 2013 I decided to break up with him last weekend. We went to a Coachella-style concert that lasts three days hosted by our school. We made plans to stick together and spend a little time with his friends and time with my friends, essentially navigating through the different circles. On the first night we went to hang out with his friends first and it was fun until he started getting too drunk. I told him to slow down and he didn't listen. By 9PM he was already obliterated so we went back to his friend's suite and I asked him to stop drinking. I said "I'm really glad that you're having fun but I'm not. You need to stop drinking because I want to go to the after-party and I don't wanna have to babysit." He threw himself on the floor crying and saying that I was embarrassed of him, I tried to calm him down because he was ruining everyone's night. I decided to take him back to my apartment for a short nap before the after-party. I bought him coffee, and made him sip water because I thought it would sober him up. When we got to my room he was still crying and repeating that I had ruined his night and he wanted to die. He locked himself in my bathroom and I reacted, terrified that he was going to cut himself with my razor (he had done it before) and I called his friend to come get him because I couldn't deal with it anymore. I told him she was on her way and he ran out of my apartment, all the way up to the fourth floor and back down to the basement, by the time she got there he was crying in the garbage room in the dark. He then told her that I was the one who was cutting and that sometimes I make up lies to get attention. I begged her not to leave him with me but she did anyway. I can't blame her, she was supposed to be having a good time too. Before we went to bed he was very hostile, accusing me of overreacting and saying that I'm crazy and I like to fabricate my own reality to fit my delusions. I don't know why at that moment I even allowed him to make me question my sanity. He told me I needed to call his friend and tell her that I lied and made everything up because I had violated his trust telling her something he wasn't comfortable with her knowing. I told him that he threw me under the bus by making up a vicious lie when I was only trying to take care of him. I told him that his actions were disgusting and that after that night I was starting to think that this relationship was too unhealthy for me. He accused me of calling him disgusting and told me I was a terrible boyfriend. This was after two months of me feeling unappreciated and like everything else mattered to him more than I did. It was always about his needs. Whenever we made plans he would cancel if he had more important things to do, like hang out with his friends instead. I think the last straw was Thursday night when even after we had scheduled that he'd stay over he canceled to hang with friends instead. The nights that I expressed how angry it made me that I was being taken for granted he would actually step up and stay with me, but he'd make sure that I knew he didn't want to be there by making passive aggressive comments every chance he got. I know all of these things rationally, I know that breaking up with him was the right decision, but that doesn't make getting over him any easier.
Am4Real Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 How old are you both? I decided to break up with him last weekend. We went to a Coachella-style concert that lasts three days hosted by our school. We made plans to stick together and spend a little time with his friends and time with my friends, essentially navigating through the different circles. I know all of these things rationally, I know that breaking up with him was the right decision, but that doesn't make getting over him any easier.
Am4Real Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 Thanks, thought you two might be young. Please don't read it as bad, just that the situation sounds like you both are dealing with tense times for the first go around. When couples book counseling appointments, they normally have already agreed to work their issues through a professional. If I'm to understand you, you agreed then reneged and it infuriated him. First you caused more tensions by dropping out -- and then changed your mind. That reads like an inexperienced or immature decision. Then he won't accept your rekindled interest in attending the counseling session. That reads like an inexperienced or immature decision. Given that, do you two really think your meant for each other when at the age of 22 and 21 you both are in counseling already? I'm 22, he's 21.
Author bitterruin Posted April 22, 2013 Author Posted April 22, 2013 Given that, do you two really think your meant for each other when at the age of 22 and 21 you both are in counseling already? We were in a relationship for five years before we broke up back in October and got back together two months ago. This was his first relationship other than short 1 month flings, and it was my third relationship. I guess you could say we're pretty inexperienced. We started going to counseling after we got back together because we wanted to build a solid foundation if we were to have a future together. I was unhappy while we were together, for the reasons I mentioned, but I was doing everything possible to keep us together. However he was constantly taking me for granted, canceling on plans, and only being with me when he needed me.
Am4Real Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 Relationships take effort, but when become WORK it's probably time to move on. A relationship should make you happy, not content, if you know what I mean. We were in a relationship for five years before we broke up back in October and got back together two months ago. This was his first relationship other than short 1 month flings, and it was my third relationship. I guess you could say we're pretty inexperienced. We started going to counseling after we got back together because we wanted to build a solid foundation if we were to have a future together. I was unhappy while we were together, for the reasons I mentioned, but I was doing everything possible to keep us together. However he was constantly taking me for granted, canceling on plans, and only being with me when he needed me.
Author bitterruin Posted April 22, 2013 Author Posted April 22, 2013 Relationships take effort, but when become WORK it's probably time to move on. A relationship should make you happy, not content, if you know what I mean. Good point. It was an unhealthy relationship and we just didn't fit together. I know that now. I just wish it would make moving on easier. At least I know what I have to do now: maintain NC, continue going to to the gym, and focus on finishing up my last semester in college. Graduation is coming up soon and I'll be starting a new chapter in my life. I just wish I could teleport there without having to feel the pain and loneliness from this breakup.
Am4Real Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 Don't we all... I just wish I could teleport there without having to feel the pain and loneliness from this breakup. 1
Author bitterruin Posted April 27, 2013 Author Posted April 27, 2013 He showed up to the counseling appointment. We hadn't spoken since Saturday when I told him that I'd be there but I'm starting to think that going was a mistake. I was fine until I saw him. I'm doing better than he is when it comes to handling things, but he told one of my friends that he was going to start dating to try and get over me, and he kinda said it again today after I told the counselor that I haven't been single my entire adult life, and I know it shouldn't matter to me but just the thought of him being with someone else hurts a bunch. I shouldn't have gone to the counseling session once he told me that he would be there, I hesitated but ultimately decided to go. Apparently a relationship is like an addiction and a breakup is like ending the addiction and the best and only way to do it is by going cold turkey, so every time I see, or interact with him it's the equivalent of taking a hit and withdrawal symptoms come back when I do interact with him. Maybe I'll feel better in a week, and even better a week after that. And hopefully soon enough I'll completely forget about him.
Author bitterruin Posted April 27, 2013 Author Posted April 27, 2013 I find that I'm an emotional wreck a day after drinking. I was going to avoid drinking last night but all my friends were going to a Hip Hop show and I figured that would be much more fun than staying alone playing video games. I knew I wouldn't have fun unless I was at least tipsy, I was offered vodka and I took it. So I realize that was a mistake. After the night ended I had my girl friend and her boyfriend come over for a movie and I was sad drunk. I don't know why alcohol has this effect on me though. It's like, while I'm drunk I'm fine and happy but once I start sobering up, and the whole day after that, I'm a mess. Right now I miss him so much. I wish I could call. I don't know what it is holding me back from doing it. I guess I know better. Perhaps it's not just the alcohol though. I did see him yesterday and even went to our last counseling session together. I don't want to get back together with him so this is confusing. I don't know why I miss him so much.
Author bitterruin Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 We got matched on OKCupid today. I had a mini panic attack after seeing him. I don't know why, it's so strange to see someone who was allegedly so upset about the breakup on a dating site a week after getting dumped, I don't know why it bothers me since I'm doing the same. I blocked him but I can still see his page. My friend says I should delete my account since all it does is remind me that I'm single. It does feel kinda nice to get attention from people, though I feel like I have to put so much effort into selling myself and having to keep conversations going so that the guys talking to me don't lose interest. It also shows me who's out there, who wants me, and how much I don't want them, so I feel lonelier than ever. I haven't spoken to him since Friday, though I saw him around campus today, but hopefully I won't speak to him again for a while.
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