Mr. Lucky Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I realize this isn't very well written and I'm just babbling...but that's how my mind works. Just random rants. Trying to justify my behaviors all the while feeling like a failure and a giant piece of crap for letting it get this bad. Couldn't have been better written or more clearly stated. Obviously straight from the heart. Both you and your husband deserve a relationship with someone that loves and cares about each other in every sense of the word. And your kids should grow up in the same environment. It would be nice if that happened within the framework of your marriage but, as this forum proves, not always the case. You might want to start your own thread... Mr. Lucky
aMguilts Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I am your wife. Not literally of course... I have been wanting to tell my husband I am done with our marriage for so long, but the words just don't come out. If/when I finally do, this is exactly how he is going to feel. I have been browsing threads all day, but this one really has gotten to me. I have fallen out of love. Bits of resentment have built up for years and I never said anything to him. I opened up to him last summer, and he made changes. The problem is, I was already checked out. I opened up too late. Now everyday I cry on my way to work, and my way home, and often several times throughout the day. I feel guilty all the time. I feel like he is doing everything he can to save this marriage and I have done nothing. I just don't have romantic feelings for him anymore. We still talk, we kiss goodbye and hello, but it's a habit. When he touches me outside of the day to day habits, I cringe. When he sends me a sweet text telling me I'm beautiful, I roll my eyes as I am reading. I hate myself and I never, ever wanted to be divorced. I go back and forth daily wondering if not feeling "in love" is a good enough reason to leave. I went back to church in hopes of gaining a new perspective. It hasn't helped my marriage. I love going but I am not using it to help my marriage. I encourage him to do things with his friends so that I don't have to hang out with him. He isn't a bad person. The issues that have driven me to want out, are just that, issues. Things he is trying to fix...but my heart isn't there anymore. It hurt to read what one commenter said about being selfish because a mother is willing to give up half her time with the children...that killed me. Initially it made me angry, and while I don't agree that I should stay for the children, I absolutely hate that I entertain the idea of missing out on half their lives. I often want to blame my age and where I am in life. We met when I was turning 21, and I am now 32. I am not that same girl anymore. Is that why? I don't know... I want him to be happy, but I know that only having our family together is going to make him happy right now. Everyday on my way home from work, I tell myself to go in, give him a big hug, tell him that I love him and be affectionate all night long, but then I walk through the door and I am just in survival mode until I can go to bed. I feel like I am living with my brother. Someone I love and care about, but nobody that I want to be romantically involved with. I wanted to be married forever. I was never happier than on my wedding day. It was his second marriage and I, at the time, considered him my soul mate. What happened to us? The reason I never told him how I felt before, was because I didn't want to be a nag or a b*tch..I wanted to be the perfect wife. I never made him do things with me and the kids (ages 6 and 2) because he never wanted to. I brought the kids to every event, every birthday party, everything. I got tired of always hearing "hey where's ______" and having to reply "home, watching football." Now he is willing to do those things...but I don't want him there. Everything I am feeling seems so out of my control. It's just that, a feeling... I can't change the way I feel.. I want to, I've tried.. I am just too far gone. Everyday I search for apartments, meanwhile emailing him to see what he wants for dinner.. He won't be blindsided because lately I am so distant and I know he is beyond worried. I realize this isn't very well written and I'm just babbling...but that's how my mind works. Just random rants. Trying to justify my behaviors all the while feeling like a failure and a giant piece of crap for letting it get this bad. Listening to the soon to be ex-husbands on here has been a real eye-opener. Random post...my first one on this board.. I just had to get it out I guess. random is not the word threadjack is thou justification is another blaming others while all along you know the truth and you know you are wrong but inside yourhead your not? so WHAT do YOU do????? `justify` YOURSELF? was it you? was it him? either way, what are YOU doing about it??? aM
aMguilts Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 sorry for the TJ lifegoeson as far as i can see you are doing ok hugs aM
aMguilts Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I wish I could lock this tread until I have time to reply to you cozycottagelg. Right now I'm at work, but I want to write you a response. All I can now is, thank you for sharing this. dont worry i`ve done it for you:) aM
Author LIFE.GOES.wrONg Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 (edited) cozycottagelg, I don't know what you meant to accomplish. I felt like I needed to respond earlier but now I really don't know what to say. Your post read like a letter from my wife but without so much emotional attachment because you were talking about somebody else. Your husband, not me. I could digest the information more easily. Appreciate your honesty, anxiety and genuine pain. In the end, I'm just left shaking my head at the great tragedy of this all. Not so much because of the devastation but because it may have been avoidable. I was particularly struck by this: The reason I never told him how I felt before, was because I didn't want to be a nag or a b*tch..I wanted to be the perfect wife. You didn't want to be perceived as a "nag" or a "b*tch" - but that was your own prejudice. You don't know how he would have reacted. Sadly, he probably would have perceived it as nagging, instead of seeing it as an opportunity to learn how to met your needs. Because of his own prejudice. I posted before that my wife didn't want to work with me to help me learn how to help her get her needs met, but I'm beginning to wonder if she actually did. That we both were telling each other how we wanted to be loved - particularly early on in the marriage - but neither one of us were able to understand the other. I think about the first few years of my marriage. My wife would get me a traditional gift for our anniversary - something paper for year one, cotton for year two, etc. I saw this as an unnecessary burden - " don't go through the trouble," I told her, "I'd be happy with anything you got me," - and I would have. I was trying to *help her* by not requiring her to worry about some relic of a tradition. Don't we have enough to worry about? I would get her flowers and take her out to nice dinners. But perhaps all she really wanted was something made of paper. One less grain in the resentment bowl. I'm not saying I'm responsible for my divorce. There are numerous instances where she failed to recognized what I needed. The tragedy is, you thought you were being the perfect wife when in reality, you were sowing the seeds that brought you here to this thread. If only we knew how to communicate. I appreciate you sharing your story but I can't offer you any reprieve, particularly when I know the pain your husband will endure. You say he will not be blindsided - he will. And keep in mind, the actions you take now - like searching for apartments - is stockpiling salt for when the wound is finally opened. aM, I didn't know you had the power to lock down threads Please unlock. Edited May 7, 2013 by LIFE.GOES.wrONg
Gunny376 Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 This thread's not locked? If it were it would have a padlock icon on the thread title.
cozycottagelg Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 LIFE.GOES.wrONg - I definitely should have communicated better. It isn't really that I didn't communicate... I'd always invite him everywhere I was going, but I gave him the option. Isn't that what I should have done? I didn't, and still don't want to be the wife who drags her unwilling husband around to places he has no interest in. I wanted him to WANT to be with me. And until recently, he never wanted to be. So it just doesn't seem genuine now. I keep typing and typing and deleting and deleting and I am justfying myself to you, when really I should be doing it on my own thread. I guess I will start one up in a bit.
aMguilts Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 aM, I didn't know you had the power to lock down threads Please unlock. errr i haven`t and i haven`t aM
aMguilts Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 LIFE.GOES.wrONg - I definitely should have communicated better. It isn't really that I didn't communicate... I'd always invite him everywhere I was going, but I gave him the option. Isn't that what I should have done? I didn't, and still don't want to be the wife who drags her unwilling husband around to places he has no interest in. I wanted him to WANT to be with me. And until recently, he never wanted to be. So it just doesn't seem genuine now. I keep typing and typing and deleting and deleting and I am justfying myself to you, when really I should be doing it on my own thread. I guess I will start one up in a bit. in bold... good idea aM 1
aMguilts Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 This thread's not locked? If it were it would have a padlock icon on the thread title. no its not locked should it be?? aM
aMguilts Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 LIFE.GOES.wrONg keep posting you are doing ok... in my eyes anyway aM
Author LIFE.GOES.wrONg Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 (edited) Into my fourth week. I have a new appreciation for shock and its wonder ability to numb the body - I miss shock. Now that the Novocain is wearing off I can feel the third-degree burns under the body cast. I swing between a semi normal state, bitterness and depression. My inability to control the swinging is worse than the emotions themselves. Two events come to mind - first, my wife sent me a calendar notice that she was traveling to Fresno the 23rd through the 27th... five days?!?!? It didn't take long for me to realized she was going to a dance event - one of the many we used to attend together. Now she was going alone - single. That entire day - Monday - I sat at my desk in numb silence. It was like I had been impaled through the chest by a wooden spike, producing both a hole and the plug that sealed it. If I moved even an inch I'd bleed out so I was forced to just hang there, motionless, taking shallow breaths that fought against the pressure of the pine in my chest. When I got home I tracked down the event's web site. Here have a look: Frezno Dance Classic - Homez I did, into the wee hours of the morning obsessing over every detail. Seeing her there by herself, with her own room, laughing and dancing with tens of men every night for 4 nights in a row (not to mention the classes, happy hours, costume parties). The worst part is the website posts pictures and videos of the event. I don't know if I'm strong enough to not go through them afterwards - searching for that shot of her smiling that will put me back on the spike. I might have to gouge out my eyes. Second. While walking my oldest (10) to school today he asked me for the first time, "are you and mommy getting a divorce". After a heavy sign I said, "I think so." "Why..." Heavier sigh. I fumbled through an explanation I barely remember - something about how people sometimes grow apart. It was the road above "because your mommy doesn't love me anymore" lane. I could see the realization pressing down on his skinny frame, hunching his shoulders, pushing his chin into his chest. He cried. I cried. It was a lovely f@$#'n mess of a moment I get to carry around forever - thanks honey! Just swung to bitter. Edited May 9, 2013 by LIFE.GOES.wrONg
Mr. Lucky Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Two events come to mind - first, my wife sent me a calendar notice that she was traveling to Fresno the 23rd through the 27th... five days?!?!? It didn't take long for me to realized she was going to a dance event - one of the many we used to attend together. Now she was going alone - single. That entire day - Monday - I sat at my desk in numb silence. It was like I had been impaled through the chest by a wooden spike, producing both a hole and the plug that sealed it. If I moved even an inch I'd bleed out so I was forced to just hang there, motionless, taking shallow breaths that fought against the pressure of the pine in my chest. When I got home I tracked down the event's web site. Here have a look: Frezno Dance Classic - Homez I did, into the wee hours of the morning obsessing over every detail. Seeing her there by herself, with her own room, laughing and dancing with tens of men every night for 4 nights in a row (not to mention the classes, happy hours, costume parties). The worst part is the website posts pictures and videos of the event. I don't know if I'm strong enough to not go through them afterwards - searching for that shot of her smiling that will put me back on the spike. I might have to gouge out my eyes. Second. While walking my oldest (10) to school today he asked me for the first time, "are you and mommy getting a divorce". After a heavy sign I said, "I think so." "Why..." Heavier sigh. I fumbled through an explanation I barely remember - something about how people sometimes grow apart. It was the road above "because your mommy doesn't love me anymore" lane. I could see the realization pressing down on his skinny frame, hunching his shoulders, pushing his chin into his chest. He cried. I cried. It was a lovely f@$#'n mess of a moment I get to carry around forever - thanks honey! Just swung to bitter. You've got to look at these types of events as hurdles you have to get over on the way to something new. Will it be something better? Don't know as that answer is mostly up to you. Not your choice to go down this path but, the die having been cast, you have to make the best of it. It's a little like being shipwrecked. Look around, see what you can use, marshal your resources and get through one day at a time. Equal parts moxie, persistence and just plain stubbornness. You have no choice, you have to handle this well. Children are involved and they're counting on you. One way they determine if they'll be all right is to see if you're all right. Proving that to them is a step towards proving it to yourself... Mr. Lucky 2
Steadfast Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 ...into the wee hours of the morning obsessing over every detail. Seeing her there by herself, with her own room, laughing and dancing with tens of men every night for 4 nights in a row (not to mention the classes, happy hours, costume parties). The worst part is the website posts pictures and videos of the event. I don't know if I'm strong enough to not go through them afterwards - searching for... What if I told you that someday, you'll look back on this time...this very event and the memory of it, when you're home taking care of the kids and she's out, and smile? Would you believe me? You should. You will. This is a valley. You're in it. No getting around it so push through. While she's dancing and whatever, cook the meals, wash the clothes, do the shopping and take care of your duties. There is honor in that. There is no honor in what she is doing. It is tragic and wrong. Be glad it's not you! If there was immediate justice for every wrong doing, she'd be branded with a non-removable, blinking neon sigh that reads: "I'm crapping all over my husband and family". How many men would she attract if they knew? The truth and honor is on your side. Let it play out. You can miss her, resent what's happened to your romance and family, but fight every urge that causes you to envy anything she is doing. In her mind she's single, so let her be single. Leave it alone. Let her feel the repercussions of her actions without any input from you. It's the only way she'll ever learn. When time allows and you can relax, let your mind wander to the possibilities that exist because you're single. I can almost promise that she mentally blocks out those thoughts. The ones where you're out dancing, laughing, loving. The ones where you and your pretty girlfriend and having dinner with the kids. Ice cream in the park. Snuggling at the movies. The biggest coop? You'll be doing all these things with honor and dignity...not as the end result of breaking vows, promises and hearts. Her actions automatically place you on an upward path. You don't want to be on hers. Think about that when she's dancing. Maybe you'll do a little dance of your own. 4
Shocked Suzie Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 What if I told you that someday, you'll look back on this time...this very event and the memory of it, when you're home taking care of the kids and she's out, and smile? Would you believe me? You should. You will. This is a valley. You're in it. No getting around it so push through. While she's dancing and whatever, cook the meals, wash the clothes, do the shopping and take care of your duties. There is honor in that. There is no honor in what she is doing. It is tragic and wrong. Be glad it's not you! If there was immediate justice for every wrong doing, she'd be branded with a non-removable, blinking neon sigh that reads: "I'm crapping all over my husband and family". How many men would she attract if they knew? The truth and honor is on your side. Let it play out. You can miss her, resent what's happened to your romance and family, but fight every urge that causes you to envy anything she is doing. In her mind she's single, so let her be single. Leave it alone. Let her feel the repercussions of her actions without any input from you. It's the only way she'll ever learn. When time allows and you can relax, let your mind wander to the possibilities that exist because you're single. I can almost promise that she mentally blocks out those thoughts. The ones where you're out dancing, laughing, loving. The ones where you and your pretty girlfriend and having dinner with the kids. Ice cream in the park. Snuggling at the movies. The biggest coop? You'll be doing all these things with honor and dignity...not as the end result of breaking vows, promises and hearts. Her actions automatically place you on an upward path. You don't want to be on hers. Think about that when she's dancing. Maybe you'll do a little dance of your own. thank you for this most of the time i think this way...some days are harder than others...but i know i will be there in time. Today was one of those special days with just me and my kids 1
Shocked Suzie Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Into my fourth week. I have a new appreciation for shock and its wonder ability to numb the body - I miss shock. Now that the Novocain is wearing off I can feel the third-degree burns under the body cast. I swing between a semi normal state, bitterness and depression. My inability to control the swinging is worse than the emotions themselves. Two events come to mind - first, my wife sent me a calendar notice that she was traveling to Fresno the 23rd through the 27th... five days?!?!? It didn't take long for me to realized she was going to a dance event - one of the many we used to attend together. Now she was going alone - single. That entire day - Monday - I sat at my desk in numb silence. It was like I had been impaled through the chest by a wooden spike, producing both a hole and the plug that sealed it. If I moved even an inch I'd bleed out so I was forced to just hang there, motionless, taking shallow breaths that fought against the pressure of the pine in my chest. When I got home I tracked down the event's web site. Here have a look: Frezno Dance Classic - Homez I did, into the wee hours of the morning obsessing over every detail. Seeing her there by herself, with her own room, laughing and dancing with tens of men every night for 4 nights in a row (not to mention the classes, happy hours, costume parties). The worst part is the website posts pictures and videos of the event. I don't know if I'm strong enough to not go through them afterwards - searching for that shot of her smiling that will put me back on the spike. I might have to gouge out my eyes. Second. While walking my oldest (10) to school today he asked me for the first time, "are you and mommy getting a divorce". After a heavy sign I said, "I think so." "Why..." Heavier sigh. I fumbled through an explanation I barely remember - something about how people sometimes grow apart. It was the road above "because your mommy doesn't love me anymore" lane. I could see the realization pressing down on his skinny frame, hunching his shoulders, pushing his chin into his chest. He cried. I cried. It was a lovely f@$#'n mess of a moment I get to carry around forever - thanks honey! Just swung to bitter. i know its so hard ...i try my hardest not to think what he is doing...how happy he is and so on.....its really not worth it, it ends up eating away inside. i try to focus for now...my kids, my home and me, i hope the rest will come in time x
Author LIFE.GOES.wrONg Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 (edited) Sitting at work again comatose. Wife just said she was taking the boys to a hotel over the weekend for mother's day - asked me to pack a bag for them with "beach stuff". Why does that hit me in the gut in the so hard? I downloaded the documents I need to fill out to file for divorce. I guess that's how I'll spend my weekend. I was thinking of filing for the divorce a day or two before her big Fresno dance trip - I don't know, is that too bitter? She''ll know I did just to try and screw with her head before the trip. I'm reaching my limit with regards to taking the high road. I really want to tell her off - she should be looking for an apartment and not going on a weekend trip with the boys and another 2 weeks later to Fresno. Edited May 10, 2013 by LIFE.GOES.wrONg
tojaz Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 Sitting at work again comatose. Wife just said she was taking the boys to a hotel over the weekend for mother's day - asked me to pack a bag for them with "beach stuff". Why does that hit me in the gut in the so hard? Because it is a "family" event and you are being excluded. If she intended it that way or not, it is a dirty play on her part. I downloaded the documents I need to fill out to file for divorce. I guess that's how I'll spend my weekend. I was thinking of filing for the divorce a day or two before her big Fresno dance trip - I don't know, is that too bitter? She''ll know I did just to try and screw with her head before the trip. I'm reaching my limit with regards to taking the high road. I really want to tell her off - she should be looking for an apartment and not going on a weekend trip with the boys and another 2 weeks later to Fresno. Why are you filing for a divorce you do not want? TOJAZ
Author LIFE.GOES.wrONg Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 Why are you filing for a divorce you do not want? TOJAZ Because my marriage is over? What other option do I have? I've read many posts indicating that I should move forward and demonstrate my seriousness and resolve by filing first. I think that, if she ever told me *she* was doing it, or if I just got served... that would be another major gut punch. Any of those that I can foresee and avoid at this point is worth it.
trippi1432 Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 Because my marriage is over? What other option do I have? I've read many posts indicating that I should move forward and demonstrate my seriousness and resolve by filing first. I think that, if she ever told me *she* was doing it, or if I just got served... that would be another major gut punch. Any of those that I can foresee and avoid at this point is worth it. Just to remind you of something else you posted previously: I'm careful about judging the path others have walked, as I have not been in anyone's marriage but my own. What appears one way on the outside about a marriage may not be the case in reality, What works for other's is not always your own situation.
tojaz Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 Because my marriage is over? What other option do I have? I've read many posts indicating that I should move forward and demonstrate my seriousness and resolve by filing first. I think that, if she ever told me *she* was doing it, or if I just got served... that would be another major gut punch. Any of those that I can foresee and avoid at this point is worth it. Demonstrating your seriousness and resolve to who? Your wife? If she was sitting on the fence, sending missed signals, and had you stuck in limbo on this, then I would say a bold move like that might be a risky play, but that doesn't seem to be the case here. Just my opinion, but I don't really see the logic behind making it easy for her to avoid that gut punch, thats like placing all your valuables on the lawn to avoid being disturbed by your door being kicked in. If this is what she wants, let her be the one to get her hands dirty. TOJAZ 2
ALAACJ Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 Demonstrating your seriousness and resolve to who? Your wife? If she was sitting on the fence, sending missed signals, and had you stuck in limbo on this, then I would say a bold move like that might be a risky play, but that doesn't seem to be the case here. Just my opinion, but I don't really see the logic behind making it easy for her to avoid that gut punch, thats like placing all your valuables on the lawn to avoid being disturbed by your door being kicked in. If this is what she wants, let her be the one to get her hands dirty. TOJAZ I've been on the fence on this one too. I don't want a divorce (although every day it is getting easier to accept) and many posts on here have given me the idea that I should just file and get on with it. I did scheduled an appt with a mediator 3 months out, but I don't think I will file on my own. I don't want this, I have given her the ball, if she wants to get it rolling, she can. Thank you tripi and tojaz!
tinam Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 My heart is breaking even more reading your story mine is a little different my husband came home three nights ago said he was leaving what he hasn't been happy for some time I was totally blindsighted in my mind we were completely happy couple is married for 15 years have 3 beautiful children very affectionate lovable I always say we're one of those couple the other couples hate how could I have been so blind I am devastated and I don't know how to handle it I read what some of the others wrote about do you think there's another man you think that there's not and you could be right but just let me say I would have swore to my grave that my husband would not have had another woman but it came out the night he told me he was leaving that he has also been cheating on me I am still racking my brain about that one I to have access to his phone he never kept it from me I used it all the time so I don't know I just don't want you to go to the same blindsided heartbreak that I'm going to right nowh
tojaz Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 I've been on the fence on this one too. I don't want a divorce (although every day it is getting easier to accept) and many posts on here have given me the idea that I should just file and get on with it. I did scheduled an appt with a mediator 3 months out, but I don't think I will file on my own. I don't want this, I have given her the ball, if she wants to get it rolling, she can. Thank you tripi and tojaz! ALAACJ, I'm sorry but I'm not familiar with your story. Kind of feel like I've been slacking off on LS lately. There are situations where pushing to file may have a desired effect. IF the other party is fence sitting like I described, it may shock them by turning divorce into a reality rather then a threat that they are throwing around or an option to keep pressure from you at bay while they try to have their cake and eat it too. It is very much a victory or death sort of tactic though that only has its place if all safer options have been exhausted and if the situation is right, it has worked though and I think that's why many people try to encourage that. Mistaking moving aggressively for acting from a position of strength or taking control of the situation. In reality, aside from those occasions that it snaps a wayward spouse back into the marriage, despite who is the aggressor, who initiates the move, the outcome is exactly the same. TOJAZ
Woohoo Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 Saying your wife left for good, HOW would you attract a woman for some type of relationship, however casual.
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