whisperoftheheart Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Hey. Long story short I was dumped after a 2 & half year relationship. Reasons being that he felt lost, didn't know how he felt and that he couldnt give me what I needed anymore (his opinion) he cared and loved me. We were saving for a home and tbh hadnt been able to spend as much time together as we would have liked due to work etc. Since that day I contacted him a month after to see how he was. He apologised for being awful to me. I cut the convo short and its been another month since that. I still have his belongings that I know he'll want and visa-versa but he hasn't mentioned sorting it or spoke at all. I dunno if hes hurting, moved on or doesnt care. Im unsure what to do. Im far better emotionally than I was so I'd be happy to talk. But should I contact him or let the situ drag on until hes willing to make the first move. Just talking would be good. I feel theres potential. At present I can see how we could work better now but I am also aware that if emotionally unavailable he wont be interested in talking. Im in a better place now to accept such changes.
tinroof Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 I'm in a similar situation myself. In my opinion though, you are only going to reopen old wounds if you start initiating contact again. The last relationship I was in I continued to do the NC and then back to contact again for two years. And I should have cut it all off as soon as we broke up. As soon as I actually did cut ties and get over him he freaked out and wanted me back. By that time i had met someone else and realized how better off I was without him. I currently just went through a breakup and started NC right off the bat, and i know how much it sucks when they don't even try to get a hold you to see if you are ok. A million scenarios race through your head as to why. However, we can only do what is best for ourselves and not get into contact with that person. They are the ones who need to contact you since they are the ones who ended the relationship. I don't want you to make yourself vulnerable and end up hurting for an even longer duration. 2
Mack05 Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 (edited) You should change the title of your thread to knowing when NOT to contact ex..Below is from the book 'getting past your breakup'..Read it carefully and TRY to absorb the message..I promise you emotionally he is in an entirely different place then you are. 99% of the time, no emotionally healthy man leaves a woman he wants to be with it -> No matter how bad his life is. His excuses are balony..How many girls I see posting about the exact same thing and the woman blindly believing the words of a coward.....It's unreal how naive people can be. 2) I Must have Closure. You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN.. 3) I just need to make sense of it all..I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go"...You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted prespective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours. 4) I want to be available for reconciliation. Sometimes people don't acknowledge that they are staying in touch to keep hope of reconciliation alive. Examining your quest for contact and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact. Even if it is your fervent hope that you will reconcile, taking a break and going NC will help you regardless of what happens down the line. You both have been through a trying time, and you must face that a break will do each of you the world of good. Now is the time to reassess where you've been and where you are going, even if you are going there together. You will need to take stock of yourself and the relationship so that you can figure out what went wrong and what needs to go right in future. Until communicate ends (and it should end for at least 60 days and until your ex reaches out (you should never be the one that reaches out) it is impossible to do that. Even if you do reconcile, the relationship you knew has ended, so you must grieve for the relationship has passed and move on from what once was. Because if you do reconcile (and the odds are long against) it has to be different than it was before or it will just fail. Again. 5) I just need to give this stuff back...People become very creative in finding ways to stay in contact with their exe's. One of the most innocent ploys you hear about is when one person insists on retrieving something - a piece of clothing, a household item that belongs to him or her. Think about how important the item really is. If you need to return it, put it in a box and mail it. No note, no nothing. If you are the one who wants it, think about it. Is it worth more than your sanity?Probably not. Making a clean break is important, so clear up loose ends immediately. Avoid keeping anything or leaving anything that can be asked for later on. If you still have things return them. If there are things you have left behind ask for them once more (if its important to you) otherwise forget it and move on. Edited April 21, 2013 by Mack05 1
Mack05 Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 (edited) "Oh but wait Mack you don't know how amazing we were. You don't know the things we said to each other" "All we need to do is make small changes" or "if he hears this we could get back together" or "I've made changes he needs to know about".. I'm becoming to cynical lately. Time for another extended LS break for me. Need to recharge those batteries.. Edited April 21, 2013 by Mack05
Author whisperoftheheart Posted April 21, 2013 Author Posted April 21, 2013 I'm in a similar situation myself. In my opinion though, you are only going to reopen old wounds if you start initiating contact again. The last relationship I was in I continued to do the NC and then back to contact again for two years. And I should have cut it all off as soon as we broke up. As soon as I actually did cut ties and get over him he freaked out and wanted me back. By that time i had met someone else and realized how better off I was without him. I currently just went through a breakup and started NC right off the bat, and i know how much it sucks when they don't even try to get a hold you to see if you are ok. A million scenarios race through your head as to why. However, we can only do what is best for ourselves and not get into contact with that person. They are the ones who need to contact you since they are the ones who ended the relationship. I don't want you to make yourself vulnerable and end up hurting for an even longer duration. I find it hard because I know at some point i'll see him again and for me i'd rather get it over with tbh. As in to move forward. I appreciate your response. Did you ever talk to them again? or remain NC? It takes strength and I know I really shouldnt care as friends tell me just 'wait until youre at the angry stage' I dont see that coming?
Author whisperoftheheart Posted April 21, 2013 Author Posted April 21, 2013 "Oh but wait Mack you don't know how amazing we were. You don't know the things we said to each other" "All we need to do is make small changes" or "if he hears this we could get back together" or "I've made changes he needs to know about".. I'm becoming to cynical lately. Time for another extended LS break for me. Need to recharge those batteries.. thanks for the response. I have observed many responses from both sides and still sit undecided. I appreciate what you are saying though. Im not going to say how 'amazing' we were. etc. but what I will say is that i am naieve enough to know all I wanted is his happiness. Over my own. Mad I know. Since breaking I remembered who I was I dont need him as an emotional crutch so to speak. If hes happier alone I accept that but shouldn't you check in? As above response states, I want his stuff gone mainly to avoid it dragging on. If its over then he needs to sort his own stuff I dont want to have to do it. He knows me well enough to leave stuff hanging around. Ive been through other break ups and this one is at a more quantified stage. But I figure I will have to sort it all myself. From what angle do you respond to my question btw?
Mack05 Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 From what angle do you respond to my question btw? Unless you are truly happy inside you can't be truly happy in a relationship. There is my angle..
Author whisperoftheheart Posted April 21, 2013 Author Posted April 21, 2013 Unless you are truly happy inside you can't be truly happy in a relationship. There is my angle.. and if that only comes again following a break up then it isn't a valid reason to have hope? It shouldnt take a break up to make it I know. But don't all people compromise self when in a relationship? In a good way.
tinroof Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 I find it hard because I know at some point i'll see him again and for me i'd rather get it over with tbh. As in to move forward. I appreciate your response. Did you ever talk to them again? or remain NC? It takes strength and I know I really shouldnt care as friends tell me just 'wait until you're at the angry stage' I dont see that coming? In my opinion I would wait and see him when you are not so emotionally involved. I'm only saying this because I've been there and it didn't help it just made it harder for me. Guys are not the brightest sometimes and if he is looking for a friendship and you see him and are wanting more he could potentially, and unintentionally lead you on and that is awful to go through. As far as my recent break up i have yet to talk to them, take note that its only been a few days, but I don't plan on initiating any contact. I started off at the angry stage because I had been through a lot already (read my thread if you'd like to know the whole story). You'll get there, but everyone is different and handles things differently. Like I said with my first real heartbreak it took me years to get mad and finally move on.
Am4Real Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 All true -- good guidance to the OP. 99% of the time, no emotionally healthy man leaves a woman he wants to be with it -> No matter how bad his life is. His excuses are baloney. How many girls I see posting about the exact same thing and the woman blindly believing the words of a coward.....It's unreal how naive people can be.
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