difference of religion is a "dealbreaker" for me... when do I tell him this?

[Noproblem]

It's not really enjoying things with him

It's just lingering the time for both of you together which means more suffering and hurt once you two break up

 

I think it's unfair to do this so you two better end it from the start

[pcplod]

It's funny, as in odd, how every discussion about any aspect of religion always ends up being hijacked and never given back to the OP. It speaks to the bizarre and unique nature of religion as a phenomenon. It even goes so far as to label those who do not beleive in God as having their own belief system, ie religion. Atheism or Agnosticism as another religion. Says it all really. I wonder whether the "God" gene(s) will ever be discovered and if so what further trouble it spells for society?

 

As an athiest I could like someone as a believer, whether Christian or another form of theism. However, I could never respect them from an intellectual, moral, or strength-of-character perspective. And it would not matter to me how educationally intelligent they might be, they would lack psychological and emotional intellect and maturity that I simply could not deal with on a 24x7 basis. It would be that profound.

 

So, you know that this relationship will not work long term. I presume that he knows and accepts this also? It isn't going anywhere. It is already in stasis without either of you realising it. So, why continue it, what will either of you gain from it tomorrow, next week, next year? Is there something in it for either of you, hour-by-hour, day-by-day? At what point do either of your say, I have invested enough time and emotional energy in this and there is no point in pouring any more in when it is patently an emotional cul-de-sac? I don't know what the answer to that can possibly be, but I would hazard a guess that it is probably sooner rather than later.

[Janesays]

I think what is rubbing me (and some of the other non believers) in this thread wrong is we all have the sneaking suspicion that the OP dated this guys hoping to convert him someday to her religion. That's not how faith works. Either you believe or you don't. I couldn't just wake up one day honestly BELIEVING in the tooth fairy anymore than God. I can't.

 

Could I fake it? Yeah, I could. But that's not faith. That's me saying whatever to shut some religious person up. Again, that's not faith.

 

If the OP wanted someone with true faith, she should have dated a person like that from the onset. Not someone with very little faith (he's agnostic, right?) hoping that he'll "change" his fundamental belief systems, nay the very way his BRAIN works, just for her.

 

It is THAT kind of arrogance that turns me off to certain religious people. Go brainwash your own children and quit trying to brainwash your freaking friends/spouse.

[sweetjasmine]

I dont believe in stereotypes. You miss out on a lot when you embrace them. I understand the OP not being able to marry someone who shares a different faith because of the practical strenuous impacts that could have on her own faith. However if you're atheist, you have nothing to lose from dating a religious person because you do not hold any religious beliefs.

 

That's not how it works. An atheist dating a religious person has the same kind of practical strenuous impacts on their own worldview and philosophy. Just because they don't sense the threat of a god condemning them to eternal damnation doesn't mean that it's less problematic. What I would have to lose from marrying a religious person is the same that a moderate believer would have to lose from marrying an atheist, and the conflict that would arise from raising children together wouldn't be any different.

 

If this matters to the OP, she should've said something the minute she found out her boyfriend doesn't share her religious views. It's unfair to string him along, especially since he's directly asked whether this is a dealbreaker for her.

[serial muse]

I think what is rubbing me (and some of the other non believers) in this thread wrong is we all have the sneaking suspicion that the OP dated this guys hoping to convert him someday to her religion. That's not how faith works. Either you believe or you don't. I couldn't just wake up one day honestly BELIEVING in the tooth fairy anymore than God. I can't.

 

I wondered this at first, too - but honestly, from reading the OP and her subsequent posts, I get more the sense that she was just kind of sticking her head in the sand about this. She liked this guy, and didn't want to deal with reality until he (bravely) asked her to, point-blank.

 

OP, I agree with Alma Mobley - what exactly did you tell him when he asked you about this? I hope you didn't lie to him. It sounds like this isn't a dealbreaker for him (he's doing his best to be sensitive to your beliefs), but it is one for you - and it's definitely time to make that clear and stop the hemming and hawing. I get that you really like him, but it's not fair to hope he might change, if that's what you're doing. If, on the other hand, what you're doing is hoping you might change your mind - well, that's up to you, obviously, but it sounds like this thread is you processing that possibility and finding it unlikely. So please, let him know where things stand for you ASAP. Be direct. He sounds like a decent human being who deserves that.

[KatZee]

I do understand what the OP is saying through because although I will accept anyone who is good to me in my life, a kind of person I am turned off from (in regards to dating) is one who claims to be agnostic or athiest. I couldn't be around a person who was always saying things like "God doesn't exist" or cursing His name or anything like that.

 

But I get where everyone is coming from OP. If I know a person is agnostic or atheist, there will be no relationship with that person. Will we be friends? Sure. But I'm not going to hide the fact that I don't like it, date them, and then pull the "deal breaker" card. If it was a deal breaker you shouldn't have gotten into a relationship with him in the first place.

 

OP you're entitled to what you need from a partner, and he's entitled to turn away from God. We all have free will. However if this is a deal breaker for you, TELL HIM. As a devout Christian you should really look for like minded people, because that lifestyle is very hard to live by if you never grew up that way or aren't particularly religious.

Edited April 22, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Estate]

I have been dating this guy for about 2 months now. I really, really like him, and he tells me all the time that he is crazy about me, he is so happy he met me, etc etc etc... I feel the same way.

 

However, he is agnostic. I am a devout Christian. I will never marry someone outside my religion, or who doesn't share the same beliefs that I do - it is a strong part of my upbringing and something that I need in my future potential family life. This is my "deal breaker."

 

He knows religion is important to me, and is very respectful about it. He asks me about it a lot. However, last night he mentioned deal breakers and he would rather know sooner than later if this is one.

 

I didn't bring it up because well... we've only been dating for 2 months, and I didn't want to seem like a. an ignorant, closed-minded person or b. a crazy, can't-wait-to-get married type of girl (I do not feel ready for marriage any time soon, or am even 100% sure I want to get married... but it is obviously something I would like later on, with the right person.)

 

Do I wait it out and just enjoy some more time with him? Or do I tell him this now?

 

And please, no comments about how "religion ruins everything" - its important to me.

 

I generally don't get too much into religion early on but to be honest if you absolutely would not consider being with someone because of that Id expect to be told pretty early on and then I can decide if I'm ok with such a casual relationship or not (which would be unusual from someone with such strict religious morals, but that's for another day I guess....).

[Robert]

**Moderators Note **

 

This is not the thread to debate religion, this is a thread to talk to the thread starter about her concerns that she is dating someone of a different belief than hers and what to do about it.

 

Please make your posts about the thread topic

[Imajerk17]

He might already suspect this OP, but still you need to tell him like yesterday or last month.

 

Seriously, I'm surprised you haven't told him already. You are getting more and more attached to someone you don't have a future with beyond friendship. AND by letting this continue without saying anything, you are letting HIM get more and more attached to you. So when it is time to break up, it will hurt that much more for both of you.

 

Whether you are ready to get married seems besides the point to me.

 

EDIT: What if he were to convert for you?

 

I have been dating this guy for about 2 months now. I really, really like him, and he tells me all the time that he is crazy about me, he is so happy he met me, etc etc etc... I feel the same way.

 

However, he is agnostic. I am a devout Christian. I will never marry someone outside my religion, or who doesn't share the same beliefs that I do - it is a strong part of my upbringing and something that I need in my future potential family life. This is my "deal breaker."

 

He knows religion is important to me, and is very respectful about it. He asks me about it a lot. However, last night he mentioned deal breakers and he would rather know sooner than later if this is one.

 

I didn't bring it up because well... we've only been dating for 2 months, and I didn't want to seem like a. an ignorant, closed-minded person or b. a crazy, can't-wait-to-get married type of girl (I do not feel ready for marriage any time soon, or am even 100% sure I want to get married... but it is obviously something I would like later on, with the right person.)

 

Do I wait it out and just enjoy some more time with him? Or do I tell him this now?

 

And please, no comments about how "religion ruins everything" - its important to me.

Edited April 22, 2013 by Imajerk17

[carhill]

I was the progeny of such a divergence in belief systems but of parents who handled things differently. My father was devout Catholic and my mother a non-practicing Lutheran. He respected that she did not share his interest in religion and she respected his devotion to his faith and that I would be raised within it. Their marriage lasted for life.

 

For yourself, if your relationship style is marriage-centric, and you are firm in not marrying outside of your faith, end this association now, transparently. There's no sense in continuing. Accept each other for who you are and move on.

[BetheButterfly]

I have been dating this guy for about 2 months now. I really, really like him, and he tells me all the time that he is crazy about me, he is so happy he met me, etc etc etc... I feel the same way.

 

However, he is agnostic. I am a devout Christian. I will never marry someone outside my religion, or who doesn't share the same beliefs that I do - it is a strong part of my upbringing and something that I need in my future potential family life. This is my "deal breaker."

 

He knows religion is important to me, and is very respectful about it. He asks me about it a lot. However, last night he mentioned deal breakers and he would rather know sooner than later if this is one.

 

I didn't bring it up because well... we've only been dating for 2 months, and I didn't want to seem like a. an ignorant, closed-minded person or b. a crazy, can't-wait-to-get married type of girl (I do not feel ready for marriage any time soon, or am even 100% sure I want to get married... but it is obviously something I would like later on, with the right person.)

 

Do I wait it out and just enjoy some more time with him? Or do I tell him this now?

 

And please, no comments about how "religion ruins everything" - its important to me.

 

Hi Funnyface

 

I'm a Christian and for awhile, I didn't understand the importance of dating Christians. It hit me one day due to sadness of understanding that the Muslim man I was engaged to marry was not on the same path of life that I was. Although he is a wonderful man, we were on two different paths.

 

He had told me that it is ok for Muslim men to marry Christian women, though I know he would have liked for me to "revert" to Islam. I also was hoping he would accept Jesus as his Savior. It didn't hit me till I was listening to a song about Isaiah 6 that our paths are too different... he didn't like the song and that's when the unequally yoked verse began to make sense to me.

 

Sadly, I really hurt him. I was in love with him and I know he was in love with me and it was the hardest thing I've ever done to break up with him.

 

My advice is to tell this guy that you are dating now that it is a dealbreaker for you, because the more time y'all enjoy together and the closer ya'll get, the easier it is to break his heart. It's possible that even now, separating will hurt him. Please don't do that to a guy.

 

God bless you and I hope you find a wonderful Christian man! I am married to a wonderful Christian man and I am so glad I eventually learned not to date people on other paths anymore, even though I respect them and their right to believe differently than me.

[KathyM]

If your Christian faith is important to you, then you need to accept God's instruction not to be paired with unbelievers. We are supposed to support and strengthen our spouse's Christian beliefs. You need to let this guy go and be honest with him that not having the same faith is a dealbreaker for you. Don't lead him on. Don't waste his time. The longer you date him, the more likely it will be that one or both of you will develop feelings for each other, and that is not fair to either of you if you are planning to ultimately end it. As Christians, we are not supposed to be dating people that are not Christian, because it weakens or compromises our faith.

[TKizz]

Definitely let him know ASAP, before either of you get more attached and it becomes more difficult.

 

The only way I would see you not telling him is if you see yourself liking him enough to overlook this important detail in the case that things DO get too serious.

 

Perhaps you guys can still date on a more casual level and still enjoy each other's company, but if he's looking for something more serious and is aspiring to that with you, it's only fair that you let him know how you feel. =3

[Ruby Slippers]

I think you should talk about it now. Get it all out on the table. If it's right, nothing will come between it.

 

My boyfriend was raised religious and conservative, and though he doesn't practice regularly as an adult, he's made it very clear in our serious discussions about long term that he would want our children to be raised in his faith. Though I'm agnostic, I've always been very spiritual, and am not opposed to this - provided our children are free to question, think for themselves, and ultimately make their own choices about faith.

 

He's made it clear he would never expect a grown woman to take on his faith, but I feel that a family is strongest when everyone's on the same page in practices and activities. The idea of attending services and everything that comes with it appeals to me - provided there's ample space for reasoning and questioning.

 

I've started talking to friends about this, and have heard many promising stories of mixed-faith families. The best example I've heard so far was a couple where one was Catholic and the other was Hindu. They had a fun altar in their home that incorporated elements of both faiths, and they celebrated all the holidays.

 

And a good friend of mine who comes from a two-faith household said that if the love is real, nothing will come between it - not religion or anything else.

 

Good luck!

[William]

Since the thread appears to, even with intervention by moderation, slip back into a religious debate, and the thread starter has been absent, I'll close this up without prejudice. Thread starter, you're welcome to alert on this post if/when you're ready to address the responses. Thanks.

 

 

......

 

Per request of thread starter, thread is reopened for them to post a response. Discussion shall continue on-topic, avoid religious debates and focus on the relationship of the thread starter and be conducted in a civil manner.

Edited April 22, 2013 by William
Re-opened thread

[funnyface]

One, thank you to the moderator for eliminating the religious debate posts, and also for opening this up again. Note to self: religion is a touchy subject, even on these forums.

 

Perhaps my concept of dating is all wrong.

 

If someone asks me to get coffee with them, or grab dinner with them, I’m not going to ask – “Well that depends… do you believe in God? Are you a Christian? No? Oh sorry… no can do.” To me, part of dating is about experiencing and learning about other people, and learning about what I want too. I believe that you learn something from every person you date, even if it doesn’t last very long, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Maybe it’s because I’m in my 20’s still and I WANT that experience. Marriage would be nice, but I would really only get married if that person was really, really special (and yes, Christian). If I never get married, I have family, friends, and a job that I love… I could be happy without it. It’s not an end goal for me, nor is it a race. I also don’t really feel ready to potentially get married yet, which is maybe another reason why I put my “deal breaker” on the back burner.

 

I am not asking, “My FIANCEE and I don’t have the same religious beliefs, what do I do?” or “My boyfriend of 2 YEARS doesn’t agree with me about God, help!” I’ve been going out with this guy for 2 months (and if we want to get REALLY technical, I’m rounding up.) He only brought up the topic of religion on our third date, so three weeks into this, so, a little less than a month. Maybe I should have said something right then and there as soon as the word “agnostic” came out of his mouth, but I didn’t (well actually I did… I talked about how I was religious and how that was important to me). So maybe I dragged this out a couple dates too long, but… I don’t know who these people are that consider someone to be a serious contender for a life partner after a few weeks of dating, but I guess I don’t work that way.

 

The problem is that now things are getting borderline relationship status, and my feelings are moving a little quicker than I thought they would. Which is why I know I have to deal with this… NOW.

 

Everyone’s posts have made me realize though that I am not being honest, and I have made mistakes. I did not answer his question about “deal breakers” because again, I didn’t feel the need to bring up the topic of marriage. But, I do realize that this is sort of pointless if I don’t bring it up. I am seeing him in a few days, and plan to be straightforward about it. Yes I like him, yes it’s unfortunate, but I know that’s what I need to do.

 

I will post after our conversation.

[Xinreeki]

Seems to me that you have arrived at a very sensible decision OP.

 

And I wish you the very best of luck going forward.

Really hope things work out.

 

Who knows, maybe as your relationship is not serious yet it won't matter to him either to know the relationship won't last in the long term...

 

That way you can just have some fun times together, create some happy memories and learn from the experiences you share.

Edited April 22, 2013 by Xinreeki

[ana0pera]

I think you should tell him. That said, why is religion a dealbreaker for you if he is agnostic and respectful of your religion? Do you want a partner who you can talk about religion with? Do you want to raise your children in a religious household?

 

I am just curious, I was raised Christian and still identify as Christian even if I am not as devout as I used to be, and it is important to me that my future children are raised in a religion. I feel like as long as he is respectful of your religion there is hope that (1) he might become religious or (2) that he would let you raise your children in your religion and be very supportive of that. I actually had a priest whose father was agnostic (maybe atheist, who knows) and his mother super devout, and the father was okay with raising the kids Catholic and eventually he converted. So there is always hope, not that you should bank on it, but if that's what your main worry is, there's something for you to think about.

 

If you don't tell him now, you risk really falliing for this guy, and you will eventually have to decide if this is a true dealbreaker for you or something you're flexible on. Only time will tell. You are young and the relationship is even younger, so while I think you should have a conversation about religion and its place in your lives, I don't think it needs to dictate if you're going to stay with the guy. Obviously if he says or does something that is super offensive to your religious sensibilities when this conversation happens, I'd end it, but I wouldn't focus on it too much, this isn't the worst deal breaker because he is agnostic (so he believes in something) and respectful to your faith even if he doesn't share it. Also, you being religious doesn't seem to be a dealbreaker for him, which is great (because some agnostics and atheists will not date Christians...I get so much flack for being Catholic and I am not super religious or even slightly conservative). Those are all good things. Focus on those commonalities and grow together, and if you're still together in two years you can reconsider if it's a dealbreaker.

Edited April 23, 2013 by ana0pera

[funnyface]

I think you should tell him. That said, why is religion a dealbreaker for you if he is agnostic and respectful of your religion? Do you want a partner who you can talk about religion with? Do you want to raise your children in a religious household?

 

I am just curious, I was raised Christian and still identify as Christian even if I am not as devout as I used to be, and it is important to me that my future children are raised in a religion. I feel like as long as he is respectful of your religion there is hope that (1) he might become religious or (2) that he would let you raise your children in your religion and be very supportive of that. I actually had a priest whose father was agnostic (maybe atheist, who knows) and his mother super devout, and the father was okay with raising the kids Catholic and eventually he converted. So there is always hope, not that you should bank on it, but if that's what your main worry is, there's something for you to think about.

 

If you don't tell him now, you risk really falliing for this guy, and you will eventually have to decide if this is a true dealbreaker for you or something you're flexible on. Only time will tell. You are young and the relationship is even younger, so while I think you should have a conversation about religion and its place in your lives, I don't think it needs to dictate if you're going to stay with the guy. Obviously if he says or does something that is super offensive to your religious sensibilities when this conversation happens, I'd end it, but I wouldn't focus on it too much, this isn't the worst deal breaker because he is agnostic (so he believes in something) and respectful to your faith even if he doesn't share it. Also, you being religious doesn't seem to be a dealbreaker for him, which is great (because some agnostics and atheists will not date Christians...I get so much flack for being Catholic and I am not super religious or even slightly conservative). Those are all good things. Focus on those commonalities and grow together, and if you're still together in two years you can reconsider if it's a dealbreaker.

 

I gave everything a lot of thought, and also spoke to a few of my friends who were/are in a similar situation. The next time I saw him, we went out for drinks and I told him pretty directly that religion is really important to me, and my two "deal breakers" I gave him were 1. I need to get married in my church and 2. my kids need to be raised Christian. I joked about how I thought it was absurd for me to bring this up, but it was the kind of thing I really needed to put out there now. Basically I was prepared to end it right then and there.

 

He sort of looked at me with a confused face, smiled and said "No offense but... I pretty much knew that." He said it is obvious that its a huge deal for me, had no problem whatsoever with my "dealbreakers" and even said he is interested in my particular denomination and culture and wants to know about it. He clarified that he is not irreligious, or anti-religious, but had some bad experiences regarding church growing up and sort of just lost his faith.

 

I even asked him if he was just saying that to please me but he assured me that he wasn't because that would be extremely unfair to me.

 

Well... I was not prepared for that.

 

ana0pera - I find it funny that yours was the last response, and the most relevant to the situation that actually happened.

 

So, for now, we will keep dating and see what happens.

[soccerrprp]

For a devout Christian, don't you value honesty?

 

Tell him now how you feel.

[mammasita]

Like, yesterday.

[anna121]

I told him pretty directly that religion is really important to me, and my two "deal breakers" I gave him were 1. I need to get married in my church and 2. my kids need to be raised Christian.

 

I will never marry someone outside my religion, or who doesn't share the same beliefs that I do - it is a strong part of my upbringing and something that I need in my future potential family life. This is my "deal breaker."

 

I'm glad you spoke to him OP. Just want to gently point out that the dealbreakers you explained to him are a little different from the dealbreaker you put forth in the first post on this thread. (That's the one in bold, above.)

 

Now, if it's just that you were using shorthand in that first post, ok. But...to be honest I sense a slight shifting of the goalposts here.

 

Just a thought.

[ChessPieceFace]

If it's really a deal-breaker, why are you wasting your time and his time? What exactly are you waiting for?

 

Next time you might as well ask on the first date, or before it.

[KathyM]

This is what I don't get both of them are conflicting yet they still want to date. i would be long gone. I don't like to waste anyone's time or my time. The longer it goes the more painful it will be.

Exactly. The longer it goes, the more likely the couple is to develop feelings for each other, and the harder it will be to end it. Or they will talk themselves into continuing the relationship or even getting married regardless of the difference, thereby rationalizing the dealbreaker, only to have it crop up afterwards, during the marriage, or when children come along, and they then realize it was a mistake to ignore this major difference that is now causing contention in their marriage. I know a couple IRL who got divorced for this very reason--different belief systems, and when the down times in the marriage came, the one who had no faith crumbled and succumbed to temptation to cope with the stress. Partners need to be on the same page when it comes to their faith so that they can support and encourage each other in their faith which will give them strength to overcome these down times or these stressors. As Christians, we are supposed to worship with our spouse. Pray with our spouse. Support our spouse with our shared faith to strengthen him. That doesn't happen in a marriage where one is an unbeliever or a different faith.

[todreaminblue]

That the thing with religious beliefs are if you are devout or passionate about them they come up pretty early......before i met anyone they would know my beliefs...if they share them its good....if they dont they have to realize my beliefs are not going to change...just like i know if cant make that happen for someone else...if he has stated that religion is a deal breaker.....spending any more time not being true to your beliefs and dating him.......isnt good..its not right....deb