funnyface Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 I have been dating this guy for about 2 months now. I really, really like him, and he tells me all the time that he is crazy about me, he is so happy he met me, etc etc etc... I feel the same way. However, he is agnostic. I am a devout Christian. I will never marry someone outside my religion, or who doesn't share the same beliefs that I do - it is a strong part of my upbringing and something that I need in my future potential family life. This is my "deal breaker." He knows religion is important to me, and is very respectful about it. He asks me about it a lot. However, last night he mentioned deal breakers and he would rather know sooner than later if this is one. I didn't bring it up because well... we've only been dating for 2 months, and I didn't want to seem like a. an ignorant, closed-minded person or b. a crazy, can't-wait-to-get married type of girl (I do not feel ready for marriage any time soon, or am even 100% sure I want to get married... but it is obviously something I would like later on, with the right person.) Do I wait it out and just enjoy some more time with him? Or do I tell him this now? And please, no comments about how "religion ruins everything" - its important to me.
WhoreyBull Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 (edited) If religion is a dealbreaker you should be sure to mention that before you start dating someone. I think it's a very bad idea to start relationships hoping someone will change. If he was agnostic before you, why would he change? Switch "agnostic" with vegetarian, drug addict, wife beater, over achiever... People don't just change. I mean you are asking him whether or not he believes he was created by some omnipresent thing, which is huge first off.... And then adding all the doctrines and rules of christianity onto that. Like that's a pretty major thing to want someone to change and you are piling a lifetime of learning on him on top of that. Imagine if he wanted to make you become an agnostic? What if that's his dealbreaker? You are "devout"? You shouldn't even have started a relationship with a non-believer, especially if you weren't clear about spreading the message of Christ. In fact, I'd say keeping this hidden deal breaker is like hiding your religion. Like denying Christ. Very rarely when someone converts for a relationship is there any "belief" of the part of the convertee... in fact, if it means so much to you then why would you consider dating someone that could change their religion so flippantly (i.e base their faith in a human relationship)? If it's so important to you find someone who really believes in your god, because I'm sure there are lots willing to fake it. Edited April 21, 2013 by WhoreyBull 4
anna121 Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Assuming both of you are ok with something casual, there's nothing wrong with continuing to hang out IF both people know the score. It may not be the smartest thing....but lots of us don't always do that and, anyway, just as often we think we're all in only to change our minds 6 months or a year later. That's just life. Now. He asked you a specific question. "Is this a deal breaker?" Turns out, yeah, it is. Common decency requires that you tell him that. 2
WhoreyBull Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Assuming both of you are ok with something casual, there's nothing wrong with continuing to hang out IF both people know the score. It may not be the smartest thing....but lots of us don't always do that and, anyway, just as often we think we're all in only to change our minds 6 months or a year later. That's just life. Now. He asked you a specific question. "Is this a deal breaker?" Turns out, yeah, it is. Common decency requires that you tell him that. Second Corinthians 6:14-16 Christians should not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.
married2school Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 He needs to know that this is your deal breaker... and honestly, it doesn't even sound like you guys should have been dating in the first place if you knew he was agnostic and you were that set on it. I feel like Christians do this a lot and then feel like people should feel bad for them because their ideals should be conformed to, but they won't budge or accept others... It is a two way street. 5
Star Gazer Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 If religion is a dealbreaker you should be sure to mention that before you start dating someone. Assuming you're long-term relationship/marriage minded, I agree with the above. I'm foregone dating several men based on deal breakers that I was aware of up front, like religion or not wanting children. I just won't even entertain a date with them, as I see no point. 2
WhoreyBull Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Also, for those who don't know the bible: 14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 15 What harmony is there between Christ and Belial[a]? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? 16 What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.” So, you like this guy so much. But he is "wicked", "dark" a "Belial(deamon)" in the eyes of your God. No questions asked, if you are devout the relationship is over. It is said very clearly.
WhoreyBull Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Assuming you're long-term relationship/marriage minded, I agree with the above. I'm foregone dating several men based on deal breakers that I was aware of up front, like religion or not wanting children. I just won't even entertain a date with them, as I see no point. She is a devout christian. It says in her faith she cannot be doing this. Whether it's marriage or not. And anything "casual" and christian, well, I have verses for that.
anna121 Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Isn't casual sex against Christian beliefs? Who cares? (And, if you want to get pedantic about it, I never mentioned sex.) I'm not interesting in playing gotcha with the OP. She can decide for herself what her belief system requires. Not my business. Signed, a totally lapsed Catholic
EasyHeart Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 If it's really a dealbreaker, then you should tell him on your first date. You're just leading on this guy. 9
HokeyReligions Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 whatever your deal breaker is break it off now before either of you get hurt its not fair for either one of you
aussietigerwolf Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Hmm... Sounds like an ex boyfriend... He was an anglican and im a druid. He knew I wasn't going to change and I knew he wasn't so it was agreed that we were just going to respect each others beliefs. Everything was going fine for many months and he brings up the topic of marriage... Had one BIG condition though... I was going to convert... It hurt like hell that I found that out then so tell him now.
Sunshine87 Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Hey, I am a Christian too. I come from a family of Christians. So I understand how important this is for you. I think you need to tell him lest you run the risk of falling in love with him and having to break it off eventually ( more painful). Many people became Christians because of their partners. It is not uncommon to hear about people changing their faith or adopting a new faith because of a husband or wife. However im often wary about such actions because religion is such a personal and spiritual thing and people should not convert to another faith in order to please their partners. The only exception being if they are genuinely interested in the faith. Is he open to learning more about your faith? The bible talks about witnessing to other people and drawing them to Christ. If he isn't, then you need to let him know so you are both aware of where this relationship stands. You might decide to continue seeing each other casually but at least you would be on the same page/ you will both be able to plan accordingly. Religion is often a deal breaker and while it is more common for Christians to date agnostics or atheists, it is far more uncommon for Muslims to seriously date or marry someone who does not share their faith. Talk to him about it. Be honest and transparent. He deserves to know. I have been dating this guy for about 2 months now. I really, really like him, and he tells me all the time that he is crazy about me, he is so happy he met me, etc etc etc... I feel the same way. However, he is agnostic. I am a devout Christian. I will never marry someone outside my religion, or who doesn't share the same beliefs that I do - it is a strong part of my upbringing and something that I need in my future potential family life. This is my "deal breaker." He knows religion is important to me, and is very respectful about it. He asks me about it a lot. However, last night he mentioned deal breakers and he would rather know sooner than later if this is one. I didn't bring it up because well... we've only been dating for 2 months, and I didn't want to seem like a. an ignorant, closed-minded person or b. a crazy, can't-wait-to-get married type of girl (I do not feel ready for marriage any time soon, or am even 100% sure I want to get married... but it is obviously something I would like later on, with the right person.) Do I wait it out and just enjoy some more time with him? Or do I tell him this now? And please, no comments about how "religion ruins everything" - its important to me.
sillyanswer Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 However, last night he mentioned deal breakers and he would rather know sooner than later if this is one. I didn't bring it up because well... we've only been dating for 2 months, and I didn't want to seem like It's a deal breaker, but you didn't bring it up because (some lame excuse). Are you sure it's a deal breaker? You need to tell him now if it is, especially since he asked about it. Anything else would just be deceit.
runningfar Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Uhh before you start dating would be the right time to mention that deal breaker In absence if that, the next time you see him To not mention it is basicly lying to keep him around 3
Sunshine87 Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 (edited) Oh no! I'm a christian and I certainly don't exclude people from my life because of my faith. I'm friends with atheists, Muslims, agonistic, sceptics etc etc. I love homo sexualise, trans sexuals etc. I choose my friends based on their values and interests and not their religious beliefs. Religion is a very personal thing: it's a relationship between God and the believer. In addition, You could be a very moral person but not believe in God. So ruling a friendship out because of religious differences is pious and haughty. But choosing a life partner I.e a spouse is a completely different issue. There are so many divorces/failed marriages because some people don't take as much as care as they ought to, when selecting a life partner. Love is hardly enough and factors like "religion", " spending habit" and even "families" play a big role in determining the success of one's marriage. I know there are many bigoted religious people out there but I'm not one of them. I understand the writer's plight because of my background. Edited April 22, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 3
Author funnyface Posted April 21, 2013 Author Posted April 21, 2013 Let me just state a few things: 1. For everyone who believes that I am being close minded... I started dating him because I liked him as a person, regardless of what he believes. I didn't KNOW his religious beliefs until I started dating him. He is a good person, I get along with him, and I admire him. He is an incredible guy.... I could not help myself. Maybe that was my fault, but I really could not stop myself from being interested in him and now, starting to develop feelings for him. 2. We are not having sex. We are taking things slowly and getting to know each other. This is his decision too, not just mine. Religious debates aside, thank you to everyone who gave their advice. I really need to be more open about it, and although he knows it is important to me, I know now that I need to sit down and make him aware of this situation, and we'll take it from there. 2
Norene Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 I think that if this is so important to you as you've said you really shouldn't even date anyone outside your faith. Because while you may not be ready for marriage at this very moment anytime you start dating someone you set yourself and them up for the possibility of the feelings growing so strong that it leads to that desire. Example from my life. I started seeing my boyfriend on a very casual basis. I never thought it would be anything more than physical so I overlooked a lot of my own 'dealbreakers' to date him. A year an a half later I'm deeply in love with him and want to marry him and now I have to face sacrificing many of the things that are important to me or sacrificing my future with him. And he is in the same position because he also set aside his 'dealbreakers' for me. But we grew so close and love stepped in so here we are. Also for me I'm not as stringent about my spiritual beliefs, but one thing I know is that I could never have a future with someone who believed in nothing (atheist) (I'm on the fence with agnostics), so when I was dating although I found myself most often attracted to atheists, I would not even date them because I knew it could only go so far and I just wouldn't set myself up like that emotionally. 2
Disinterested Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 I have been dating this guy for about 2 months now. I really, really like him, and he tells me all the time that he is crazy about me, he is so happy he met me, etc etc etc... I feel the same way. However, he is agnostic. I am a devout Christian. I will never marry someone outside my religion, or who doesn't share the same beliefs that I do - it is a strong part of my upbringing and something that I need in my future potential family life. This is my "deal breaker." He knows religion is important to me, and is very respectful about it. He asks me about it a lot. However, last night he mentioned deal breakers and he would rather know sooner than later if this is one. I didn't bring it up because well... we've only been dating for 2 months, and I didn't want to seem like a. an ignorant, closed-minded person or b. a crazy, can't-wait-to-get married type of girl (I do not feel ready for marriage any time soon, or am even 100% sure I want to get married... but it is obviously something I would like later on, with the right person.) Do I wait it out and just enjoy some more time with him? Or do I tell him this now? And please, no comments about how "religion ruins everything" - its important to me. You tell him something this important when you first meet him and then you don't date him even if you aren't dating to marry. Your date could be potentially the one you want to marry. This can only lead to heart break now. The relationship can never be more unless he converts and that might be a stretch.
StanMusial Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Well you've only been dating 2 months. So I don't know how serious this is or how often you see each other. Maybe try dragging him to church a few times and you won't have to tell him anything, he might run for the hills. 2
Alma Mobley Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 He knows religion is important to me, and is very respectful about it. He asks me about it a lot. However, last night he mentioned deal breakers and he would rather know sooner than later if this is one. I didn't bring it up because well... we've only been dating for 2 months, and I didn't want to seem like a. an ignorant, closed-minded person or b. a crazy, can't-wait-to-get married type of girl (I do not feel ready for marriage any time soon, or am even 100% sure I want to get married... but it is obviously something I would like later on, with the right person.) Do I wait it out and just enjoy some more time with him? Or do I tell him this now? Wait, what did you say when he asked? Did you say no, it wasn't or what? Am I missing how you answered his question somewhere?
spiderowl Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 If he's asking if it's a dealbreaker, it sounds like he's considering whether you and he could be long-term partners. You need to tell him that it could work up until you meet someone you want to marry because you will want to marry eventually and it would have to be someone who shares your religion. It would be up to him then whether he decides to hang around for the ride or looks elsewhere for a long-term partner.
Sith Apprentice Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 Tell now if it's a deal breaker. As a Sith I don't mind a Christian because all belief systems are filled with falsehoods and half truths even our own. When she says "Thou Shalt" she will become my enemy. Peace is a lie, there is only passion. Through passion, I gain strength. Through strength, I gain power. Through power, I gain victory. Through victory, my chains are broken. The Force shall free me. 1
TheZebra Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 (edited) OP I am agnostic as well but you have the right to have your own deal breakers whatever they are. Maybe you should talk about this deal breaker with people you are going to date in an earlier stage so the guys don't get invested on you (2 months is a bit long to string a guy along to dump him later). But you are in your total right to decide what is or not important for you to have a relationship with a person. Of course everyone's allowed to have deal breakers. But it's a little unfair to have been with this guy for this long and not have told him earlier. It's like me meeting a guy at a cigar bar if my deal breaker is smoking. Why bother? Religion is important to me too. Well, a lack of it. I try to find out on the first date (or sooner even) if the guy is the type that goes to church or has any type of involvement in it at all. If he does, he gets crossed off my list of potentials and that's it. Why the OP did not do that is beyond me. Edited April 22, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Eclypse Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I think you should tell him ASAP. Otherwise he is just wasting his time with you? There's no point in continuing to date someone when you know there's no chance you'll work out. Unless you want to just do a casual sex thing, but you have to tell him that too. I understand what you mean OP. Personally I wouldn't want to date someone religious as I don't want my children exposed to the church environment. 1
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