Boyfriend wants me to be more Verbally Affectionate

[Norene]

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I recently told him I loved him, which he was kind of shocked by. He said he didn't think I felt that strongly about him because I wasn't as verbally or physically affectionate as he is used to from previous relationships. I thought I had gone out of my way to show him how much I loved him by doing special things for him, like cooking him special meals, sending him gifts and cards, impromptu massages, taking an interest in his life, going out of my way to visit him at great personal expense and inconvenience, finding out things he likes so I can surprise him with them and things like that.

 

My boyfriend is very much the strong silent type when it comes to feelings, so I really didn't think he wanted me to be this way although I have wanted to. In the beginning of the relationship I tried to be more physically affectionate, but felt like he wasn't responsive so I stopped because I didn't think he was the touchy feely type.

 

Now that I know he wants me to be more physically affectionate that is not a problem, it's something I've actually wanted with him for a long time, but the verbal affection is where I am having a problem and right now we are temporarily long distance so verbal is really all we have.

 

Since I told him I loved him and he expressed his desire for me to be more verbally affectionate I have at least by text started to use pet names with him, which I never really did before and to tell him I miss him more often than I used to. I have also begun to realize that he wants to hear from me more often, while in the past I thought if I contacted him as much as I wanted to he would get sick of me. He has really liked the texts and has said he wants to hear more of that on the phone.

 

At first I wasn't sure if he wanted more sweet or sexy talk on the phone, but I tried the sexy talk and while he did enjoy that he still wanted something more along the lines of sweet/loving talk. He mentioned the text messages I had been sending him.

 

My issue is this, the text messages have really only been me using pet names, sending him hugs and kisses and telling him I miss him. I have told him I missed him and was thinking of him over the phone and I tried blowing him a kiss, but he seems to want more. I don't know what else to say other than calling him 'sweetie' or 'honey', but it just seems like there's something more he is looking for. In particular he always wants me to say something more than 'goodnight' at the end of a call. He says I could be saying that to anyone. I don't really know what more to say than 'goodnight honey' or 'goodnight I miss you'. But it just seems like there is something more he wants me to say and I don't have a clue. I don't think he wants me to keep saying I love him since he hasn't said it to me, but maybe I'm wrong.

 

I really love him and want to give him what I am so glad he has been open enough to tell me that he needs from me, but I'm just not sure what exactly that is. I have asked him what it is he wants me to say, but I do understand why he doesn't want to tell me. I already feel so pressured that although I absolutely feel the emotions behind the words and actions he wants from me, I also in a way feel like a performing monkey in trying to execute them. I'm not used to expressing myself verbally, but more in writing which he doesn't like at all.

 

I would really appreciate any advice anyone can offer who has been in a similar situation or especially any guys who could tell me what sweet things they like to hear from their girlfriends over the phone.

[xpaperxcutx]

A relationship is a 50-50 partnership and from the sounds of things he's expecting 100 from you, while his lazy ass is dozen of miles away.

 

How much of verbal affections has he reciprocated? I feel like he's trying to project an expectation of the kind of person he wants onto you.

[MsSmurf]

Maybe he wants to know what you love about him? I'm not him so I can only speculate here. However perhaps if you said things like "I love that you were thinking of me and did xyz for me, it made me feel special and showed that you cared" or "I love the way you look at me when you think I don't notice" or "I love how you hold my hand when we're doing xyz" or you get the idea.

[carhill]

When was the last time he told you he loved you, verbally?

 

Synergy. My read is things are pretty one-sided. Perhaps you can clarify.

 

Welcome to LS

[soccerrprp]

Maybe he wants to know what you love about him? I'm not him so I can only speculate here. However perhaps if you said things like "I love that you were thinking of me and did xyz for me, it made me feel special and showed that you cared" or "I love the way you look at me when you think I don't notice" or "I love how you hold my hand when we're doing xyz" or you get the idea.

 

Perhaps.

 

Frankly, I'm a little confused as to what he means by that. I just think that if you have to narrate your feelings for him each time that it becomes cumbersome and short of stroking his ego. I mean, the pet names, telling him you love him every so often is being more verbally affectionate.

 

Maybe he needs all that extra attention-pouring excess to assure him that you really feel strongly for him. Although you have been "showing" your feelings already.

 

Did you ask him directly what it is he wants to hear?

[Norene]

A relationship is a 50-50 partnership and from the sounds of things he's expecting 100 from you, while his lazy ass is dozen of miles away.

 

How much of verbal affections has he reciprocated? I feel like he's trying to project an expectation of the kind of person he wants onto you.

 

Thanks for your response.

 

I think I get what you're saying in your last sentence because I do feel like his desires are so specific that he wants me to act in the same way as someone from his past.

 

Throughout the relationship he has been verbally affectionate in the sense of calling me by pet names. I'm not sure that compliments really qualify as verbal affection, but he has always done that as well. But no he isn't in any way as verbally affectionate to me as he wants me to be to him. However, since I started sending him more loving texts he has reciprocated in that way.

 

I don't want to make excuses for him because I think you're right about him expecting more from me than he is willing to give, I do feel like he's the "you show me yours and then I'll show you mine' type and I get that because I'm the same way. That is why it took so long for me to tell him how I felt, because I was waiting for him to tell me. That is our struggle. He's waiting for me to move and I'm waiting for him to move. The only difference is I've finally reached the point where the future of the relationship means enough to me to let that go.

[Norene]

When was the last time he told you he loved you, verbally?

 

Synergy. My read is things are pretty one-sided. Perhaps you can clarify.

 

Welcome to LS

 

Thanks for the welcome.

 

I only recently told him I love him and he hasn't said it to me at all.

[Star Gazer]

It sounds like his Love Language is Words of Affirmation. Do a little research about that, and you'll see what he's asking for.

[Norene]

 

Did you ask him directly what it is he wants to hear?

 

I did and he said 'should I read the texts you sent me' but as I said the goodnight texts I've sent him have said 'goodnight honey' or 'goodnight my love' or 'goodnight. i miss you. hugs and kisses'.

 

I mean I feel like I'm speaking another language and there's some other thing people in relationships say instead of goodnight that I've never heard of. lol

[carhill]

Thanks for the welcome.

 

I only recently told him I love him and he hasn't said it to me at all.

With that in mind, review your OP and pay attention to where the predominant 'bend' is. Bend too much and one breaks.

 

Your LDR complicates things. When is that expected to end?

 

Are you getting your emotional needs met? Have you communicated your needs, much like you're describing his communication here, and experienced his response?

 

I have asked him what it is he wants me to say, but I do understand why he doesn't want to tell me.

 

You understand why? Share with us.

[soccerrprp]

With that in mind, review your OP and pay attention to where the predominant 'bend' is. Bend too much and one breaks.

 

Your LDR complicates things. When is that expected to end?

 

Are you getting your emotional needs met? Have you communicated your needs, much like you're describing his communication here, and experienced his response?

 

You understand why? Share with us.

 

I like all this. Especially the last question: Why?

[Norene]

With that in mind, review your OP and pay attention to where the predominant 'bend' is. Bend too much and one breaks.

 

Your LDR complicates things. When is that expected to end?

 

Are you getting your emotional needs met? Have you communicated your needs, much like you're describing his communication here, and experienced his response?

 

 

 

You understand why? Share with us.

 

The LDR is up in the air right now. We are both in grad school and while I am about to move closer to where he is he may need to move elsewhere shortly after that depending on the demands of his program.

 

He is a very blunt and somewhat callous sort of person while I am very sensitive although I try not to show it. Since I told him how I felt he has been especially considerate and taken more time to think before he says certain things. And he's been more attentive and sweet so I do feel that I'm getting what I want from him.

 

I say I understand because I've felt the same way. In some situations I feel like if I have to tell him exactly what I want him to do or say, it's like I'm forcing it out of him and it isn't coming from the heart.