BeyondConfused33 Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 I dated this girl for 6 weeks... And in those 6 weeks we spent a lot of time together. I'm 33 and I've dated, but it's been a really long time since I felt a connection like this. She is 32, and she had not been in a relationship for 6 years due to a 2 year relationship where she found out her bf cheated and basically lied about everything. She's dated, but nothing serious. After spending time together I told her I was interested and I'd like to see where things go... She agreed. We were physical one night and she started to cry, and I consoled her. She kept apologizing, and I told her that we'll take things super slow until she's comfortable. Went out a few more times... She told me that she got butterflies around me, and that she thought about me when I wasn't around. The last date we went on we had quite a but to drink and ended up back at my place... We were physical, but didn't have sex. She seemed fine, but when I woke up she was getting dressed to leave. I asked her what was up, and she said she had to go. After talking to her, she decided to stay. We work together in a sketch group, and so that day we had to work together. Everything was fine, and I asked her out to dinner which she declined. We spoke on the phone, and we talked about the physical stuff and I told her that to eliminate temptation I'll just pick her up outside and not go in. I did ask... Even though we won't be physical I'd like to know where we are, because I want to respect her and not date anyone else if we've reached that physical point. She said she didnt want to tell me how she felt but she couldn't tell me what to do. I pushed a little to find out her feelings, and she said that she needed time to think. She went to Vegas we didn't talk, she came back and told me this wasn't something she wanted to pursue. She said she didnt know why...I told her fine, I wasn't going to argue with her. She started crying, said she wanted to be friends, I told her I couldn't do that. I told her for my own emotional health we'd have to go NC. She understood, and I stopped contacting her personally. I deleted her FB page which really upset her, but I didn't want to keep going to it. Last part... She was given an amazing opportunity to audition for SNL and so I called her and told her about it. She said she needed help with her characters and that she wanted my help. I agreed... She cancelled the day we were supposed to get together and DIDN'T audition. She said she didn't know why but she hoped I wasn't mad etc. I said it's her choice, no harm no foul. I had to fly to NYC for a week of meetings, she didn't believe I was going because of her past so I showed her my flight itenirary, e-ticket etc. She was crying when asking for it and calmed down after I showed proof. We didn't talk while I was away, even though she asked me to text her if anything cool happened. I got back, sent out an email regarding the sketch group. Everyone responded but her... I sent her a text asking what was up, and she said she would be out all night. Of course I assumed the worst, but I told her we could talk tomorrow. Next day I get an email saying she doesn't want to be in the sketch group, she's sorry, good luck etc. I sent her a text telling her I thought it was rude to email me, and can we talk on the phone to end things amicably. She said yes... Call at 8. Right before 8 I got a text saying... "She's so sorry and can't talk to me. She just can't. Thanks for everything. Good luck." Anyway that's that. I sent her one last email wishing her the best, and I'm sad it had to end this way. I told her the door was open if she felt that she had made a hasty decision. I told her that she doesn't give herself enough love and credit, and I hope she finds peace one day. I attached a reciept to the email... She's read it 3 times. My question is... Did she push me away out of fear? Did she push her career opportunities away out of fear? Or wasn't she just done with me and done with everything else? I know someone will say it doesn't matter, but I would like to hear from men and women regarding this... I'm frustrated with her, but I like her... Will NC mean anything to her? She has a ton of my DVD's and a book I let her borrow, do I let that go? How can someone who says they have butterflies and thinks about me when I'm not around turn off so quick? Thanks for reading everyone.
Author BeyondConfused33 Posted April 21, 2013 Author Posted April 21, 2013 I should clarify... The text she sent didn't says "She" it said "I"... I made it sound like someone else wrote the text to me.
Weathergirl Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 I my be wrong, but seems to me like this lady is really scared of getting hurt. It's like she is not sure, agrees, then has time to think and changes her mind. I think you are a very patient person, to have held out this long and not have walked away. I hope you get the result you want. I would ask a friend to get your items back for you. 1
Author BeyondConfused33 Posted April 21, 2013 Author Posted April 21, 2013 I know... Do you ever feel in your heart that you KNOW this person feels for you beyond a shadow of a doubt? I know the mind can cloud things, but I know what I know... I know that she was into me. Can she really be that fearful and just push me away? Or will her feelings eventually take over and contact me?
Weathergirl Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Yes, people handle things in different ways. Maybe this is her way of protecting herself by pushing those that want to be close away. I'm no expert, I'm just going by my past experiences where I've been hurt. She may contact you in time, she may not. All I can suggest is you make it clear how you feel, which I think you already have done and let her decide what she wants. She knows where to find you. If it was meant to be, it will be. 1
Author BeyondConfused33 Posted April 22, 2013 Author Posted April 22, 2013 Anyone else want to share their insight? Would love to hear from a few more people....
BlackGoaty Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I think you have to take it real slowwwwwwww....but girls with such fear always have commitment issues. It just depends how long your patience can last, even then you might not be able to "get" her. 1
fancy feast Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 She has issues that she's going to have to sort out before getting into a relationship. My advice is to just try and move on, it's not your responsibility to fix her. 1
chimom Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 Do you really, really want to be with someone who is ambivalent about intimacy? That is a hard problem to solve even when somebody is working on it in therapy. I hear that you are willing to be patient -- but you are looking for a payoff (and that's natural). The outcome you want is that with patience and love and communication, her intimacy issues are going to disappear and she is going to want to be emotionally and physically close with you. But the more likely scenario, if you do manage to get her back, is that you will be struggling as a couple with her intimacy issues for the foreseeable future. Maybe for years to come! They're hard to beat, even if somebody is determined to overcome them! I appreciate being able to write this to you, because I am going through something similar. Wise friends have told me exactly what I'm telling you here. Let it go, and find someone who is ready to be in a healthy relationship. The alternative is much worse! 1
Author BeyondConfused33 Posted April 22, 2013 Author Posted April 22, 2013 I agree with what everyone is saying... I mean normally I would've walked away immediately. But man... I fell hard and fast for whatever reason. So when someone pulls away that quickly, you're left kinda wondering... "What the hell did I do? Was it me?"... I'm slowly realizing that as stated in the previous post that this would be something that would be an issue for a long time. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around her not only sabotaging what could have been an incredible relationship, but an incredible opportunity for her career. I feel bad for her... She's has no friends, and she just talks to her parents and her older sister. I know her sister doesn't help matters because she's extremely negative. I don't know why I felt compelled to help her, even after being jerked around.
chimom Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 It could *not* have been an incredible relationship. You had wonderful moments, and hopes and dreams for the future, but the reality is, you cannot have an "incredible relationship" with a person who is afraid of being close. She is possibly dealing with past trauma, and definitely dealing with intimacy issues. The "incredible relationship" part was like a movie trailer for a bad movie: you only saw the good parts. Be glad you didn't have to sit through more of it! She is not open and ready for a relationship, and the worst thing that could happen for you is if you persuade her that she is! Of course you are sad and of course you miss her. I am very sorry. Sending you hugs. (I'm talking to me, too, and you know what, I'm very much on my way to being convinced.)
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