confused4321 Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Have any of you ever reached a point during reconciliation that you just wanted to give up? I am just so tired of having to deal with all of this. I hate that this consumes all of my thoughts. I hate asking the same questions over and over again. I hate that he gets frustrated with my questions, when I wouldn't have them if this had never happened. I hate how bad I want to get past it, but don't really think that I can. I hate that I have no control over my emotions anymore. I am not even sure from one minute to the next, whether I am sad, mad, just plain angry or really just don't care. I think that it might be better to just walk away. In the beginning I though it might be possible, but at this point I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know anything for sure right now. All I know is that is how I feel today. 2
Sadwife37 Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 I know exactly how you feel. I have felt the same way many times. This is a very long horrible process. I'm 17 months past D day and still have days where I feel like this. But those days are becoming fewer and fewer and the positive days where I can actually believe that we will succeed at R are becoming the norm. I still ask questions. I still cry and feel devastated and hopeless . Friday night was very bad. But we talked about everything again for hours. H answered all my questions again. The same questions he has answered 100 times before. Give yourself time. The hurt is very really and very deep. I think about the details of the A much less now. Every waking and sleeping moment isn't consumed by it. But for a very long time it was. And I mean over a year. I still think about it many times every day. Sometimes all day. Sometimes all night. But it is getting better. Lots more happy times and optimistic moments. Good luck. 3
Athens Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Read my post from today titled...lean in to it....the phrase. Ones from the idea that if you lean in to a turn you gain traction and control. I was where you are a few weeks back and am sure I will hit a low point again, but until then, I am really working on being someone, something other than a wounded, hurting BS. Good luck and stay strong. 2
krazikat Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Have any of you ever reached a point during reconciliation that you just wanted to give up? I am just so tired of having to deal with all of this. I hate that this consumes all of my thoughts. I hate asking the same questions over and over again. I hate that he gets frustrated with my questions, when I wouldn't have them if this had never happened. I hate how bad I want to get past it, but don't really think that I can. I hate that I have no control over my emotions anymore. I am not even sure from one minute to the next, whether I am sad, mad, just plain angry or really just don't care. I think that it might be better to just walk away. In the beginning I though it might be possible, but at this point I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know anything for sure right now. All I know is that is how I feel today. I am just over 2 months since dday. I still think about it, the betrayal still hurts. Affairs are devastating. I had to stop asking questions. I realized that dwelling and asking over and over just made me trigger more and trigger harder. The A happened, it was a long affair of over 4 years. Of course I know alot happened during that time between my h and his xow. So I focused on a few facts: 1. Does my husband truly love me: Yes 2. Do I still truly love my H: Yes 3. Has the A stopped and NC in effect: Yes 4. Can I let go of anger and move forward with R: Yes 5. Is my husband fully invested in R: Yes Some bs want as many details as possible, others want none, then many fall somewhere in between. I fell in between, but as I received answers, I realized they did not help me, nor did they help with R for me. Therefore, I have stopped asking them. And I feel much better. You meed to do what is right for you. I have found that keeping a journal helped me initially. I also thought right after dday that I was so crazy mad I would have to let him go because I didnt want to be so angry. But I love my husband, and I know he loves me. His choice to have emr sucks, but he hates that he did this. So my decision was to move forward. Stop asking questions, stop dwelling. This has worked for me. What do you need? Do you find the answers helpful or hurtful? Do you truly want to stay with your ws or only staying out of fear? Really figure out what you want and need to heal, and then take steps leading you to what you determine you need, whether R or D. Sending positive thoughts your way... 4
seren Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Confused, I think it would be a very rare BS who hadn't felt the way you do right now and most of us feel that way numerous times. It is all part of the process and while that might not be any help at all, please know that what you are feeling is perfectly usual. it is exhausting, draining and very, very hard. The constant need to ask questions eventually faded, for me at least, I too asked the same things over and over and over until I got tired of hearing myself asking. It got to a point where I accepted that I would just hear the same things over and over and the reason for that was because H was being truthful and there was no other way for him to respond, what eventually changed was how I dealt with it. I drew lines through what my head and heart said, right done that, crossed that need for that information out and onto the next, until the need to revisit over and over until there was no need. Reconciliation is possibly the hardest thing we have ever done and I have had to do some pretty hard stuff over the years. There came a time when I dwelt more on the now and the future than on the past and knew that we were finally moving forward. I kept asking down to around 40 minutes or so, I asked and then he and me dealt with the feelings and fallout and gradually we dealt with the A together. There was, for me, a lightbulb moment around the 18 months to 2 year point where I found I didn't think about it, it stopped consuming my thoughts and laughed more than I cried and then I knew we were going to make for sure. I wonder if MC would help you both, it can sometimes help to see the wood for the trees. I wish you the very best. x 4
Spark1111 Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 So take a break from it. do something fun and just for you. Focus on you and do whatever it takes to get more joy in your life. 1
2sure Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Indifference. Not a good thing. Especially if it is your main emotion all day. You must do something else that you are to indifferent about. You have to bring another better emotion into your world. It's hard I know. I'm sure your exhausted. You have to find something that interests you. Something good for you.
jnel921 Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 How does your H make you feel. this is what makes my R work. I need to know and I need to feel that my H is there for me 100%. You can drive yourself nuts thinking about it but in the end what is the point. We already know what happened. that's not going to change. But what can change is your M, and hopefully for the better. Spend time together and create great memories, don't dwell on the hurtful ones. 1
wifehurtheart Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 (edited) Have any of you ever reached a point during reconciliation that you just wanted to give up? I am just so tired of having to deal with all of this. I hate that this consumes all of my thoughts. I hate asking the same questions over and over again. I hate that he gets frustrated with my questions, when I wouldn't have them if this had never happened. I hate how bad I want to get past it, but don't really think that I can. I hate that I have no control over my emotions anymore. I am not even sure from one minute to the next, whether I am sad, mad, just plain angry or really just don't care. I think that it might be better to just walk away. In the beginning I though it might be possible, but at this point I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know anything for sure right now. All I know is that is how I feel today. I am about 14 months out from D-day and probably still think at least briefly about my WW's A most days, although not nearly as often or for so long as I did during the first 5 or 6 months. It's usually brought on by one of the incredible number of triggers that I never would have believed could exist, but they do. I was one of those who had to have every last detail and who has probably asked every question 100 times. My wife has answered repeatedly in great detail. Like you, I came to the point some time ago where I began to feel frustrated with myself when I realized that I was once again bringing it up all over again, but at some point I began to realize that in my case asking the same questions over and over was not really me expecting different answers, but me trying to make sense of what she had done (which, of course, there is no way for a BS' to make sense of what has been perpetrated on them and caused their formerly safe and loving world to come crashing down around them). We have been brutally betrayed by the last person on earth that we expected to do that to us, and trying to wrap our heads and hearts around that reality is probably the hardest thing we will ever attempt to do. It is extremely painful, and I think that every BS who decides to try to give the gift of reconciliation should give him/herself a standing ovation every day for the effort they put into it. I long ago stopped doubting the honesty of her answers, and I know that we have gotten to the point where my bringing it up again it causes her at least as much pain as it causes me, but frankly there are still times when we are talking about it and I think to myself 'I know this is painful for you too, but you introduced this into our world, not me, and I'm still trying to come to terms with it, so deal with it.' That's probably not a good attitude but in talking about it with my IC he advised that it is a very normal emotion for a BS to feel. Edited April 23, 2013 by wifehurtheart
Recommended Posts