Time to Let Go?

[umirano]

Hello LS, I'd like to have some insight on my relationship from others. I'm usually giving advice on here, but I feel like I could use some community wisdom.

 

Preliminaries

My GF is 20, I'm 27, we're in an LDR. We met online 2 years ago while I was still in a RS. We hit it off really well and fell for each other fast. For about 2 months contact was intense. Then id faded off a bit, I was still in my old RS, she had hooked up twice according to her until about 1 year ago. After some stressful exam sessions we reconnected and it was exactly like in the beginning. Incredible chemistry, butterflies. My then SO finds out and I come clean about my feelings towards my now GF. This situation continues until August last year, my now GF and I meet in person, still hitting it off. I leave my ex and GF and I become official and exclusive.

 

Current Situation

I have started to doubt my RS with my GF for several reasons. I question her commitment, our chances to work out (esp. with respect to the distance and closing it), I am worried about the age difference and the differences in maturity. I'm also concerned about the cultural differences to a lesser extent.

 

Let me explain the most important of above concerns, the commitment. We have met 5 times for a total of about 7 weeks since we became official, including the first meeting. 6 out of those seven times I went to see her, one time she came to see me. I paid all the trips. She has a history of disappearing on me, which started before we became official. Usually she'd stop answering my texts/mails though it was obvious that she could connect. I put my foot down and threatened to end the RS if this goes on. It didn't happen anymore since last fall after the second meeting. She also has a history of flaking on appointments: We'd agree to skype/call each other on a certain time. Usually she'd either not show at all with no text/email to explain, or she'd text a few minutes before the appointment, that she has to leave for some reason, or that she still isn't home. I was very hurt when that happened, and I'd get very mad. Of course I made sure she knew. Everytime something like this happened we would get into more or less intense fights but she'd always see her mistake at some point and apologize, swear to never do it again and never hurt me in the future. I never asked her to report every single move of hers. I merely wanted appointments to take place, when she agreed to them. I'd understand emergencies and excuses, but most of the time when she flaked it was to meet some random people I never heard of or only too often without an explanation at all. In the aftermath there would be all kinds of weird explanations, sometimes in disagreement with what her friends said. I stopped asking them though, as I refuse to police her.

 

The next issue is her use of marijuana. She told me before we became official about it stating she'd "smoke up maybe once a month or once in two months". At the time I didn't give it much thought because she seemed very well adapted to her life, studying hard, involved with family and friends. I also figured many 20yo smoke up from time to time and most of them don't develop a habit, so nothing to worry.

But after we met the first time she must have made some new friends and smoking up suddenly was a weekly, and for about a month or two last fall, a daily habit. This was also when our communication was in the toilet bc of her flaking on appointments and disappearing on me.

When I visited over christmas I ended up leaving early because I found out she bad mouthed about me with one of her stoner friends (who is crushing on her) and because I found some very questionable comments to her ex about me. She was devastated and an emotional train wreck when I left her, though we did sort of make up before I departed. We ended up reconciling over the following days over the distance.

Another few weeks go by, some minor road bumps, nothing too serious. She became very attached, a lot less mariujana consumption, she also broke contact with the stoner friend from earlier from what I could tell. But she flaked on me once more, claiming she had to take said stoner friends brother and her best friend with her to her house bc "they are hooking up", helping her friend cheat on her bf in the process. We got into a fight about that bc it seemed inappropriate to me. We made up. Next visit is in my location. Things go mostly smooth, on the last morning I find a text to her best friend about said stoner friend, I get insecure again, we fight and I make it clear I won't ever accept cheating in any way, shape or form. We make up before she leaves.

Another few weeks pass by, we plan the next meeting. She lies to me once more about marijuana consumption (I could tell from her behavior) and comes clean about it a few days later out of guilty conscience, I forgive her.

Another week or two pass by, she flakes on me again and lies to me about marijuana consumption when asked. I get mad and cold, she swears at me, huge fight, tears and crying. Eventually she apologizes for lying to me and swearing at me, I forgive her both, we move on.

The next visit takes place, I pay, I buy gifts for her and her family (like on previous occasions), I pay for other things she needs (nothing crazy, but still).

Some minor fights, but overall a nice and loving RS, people would say who see us. We say our good byes and we're separated again.

This is past easter. GF is sad and annoyed, lots of fights in her family. Then she fails to reply to sweet texts I send her, leaves from a skype call to "go for a car ride" with a friend who she claims not to have seen in weeks when in fact she saw him 3 days before. Comes back much later than announced, stoned. I get mad, we fight, she apologizes, swears to never do it again, we make up. Two days later she tells me how much she misses me and that "we have skype tonight". I say ok, finish what I have to do quickly, make it home as soon as possible, while keeping her updated. Not 20 min after I'm home and have eaten, I text her I'm getting on, she replies with that she's about to go out. More bickering, growing resentment on my side. The next day is calm and peaceful and then a night where both of us go out, as usual I let her know everything, she tells me she goes out and "it won't be long" and "it would be great if we could talk afterwards". She isn't home until 3 am her local time, no real excuse and no text to inform me so. I'm fuming and when asked tell her that I feel like breaking up. One day of huge fights, expletives on both sides and several "we're done" on both sides follows.

 

I am trying to forgive her again, she swore she wants to get her **** together and keep me informed and not confused. The day after she consumes marijuana again, falls asleep early.

 

Where does that leave me? I was crazy about that girl, I'd get nervous when she logged on. Now I'm just annoyed. I don't have a problem with the single issues. I can understand someone misses an appointment, I can understand someone smokes up, I can understand sometimes we say things we don't mean. But the combination, and the duration of this, has become hard to handle for me. I wonder whether it is worth to continue that RS. We aren't local, so I have no physical benefits from being with her. And emotionally I don't really seem to get what I need.

The spark is completely gone. I don't really trust her, though I don't think she is a bad person. But she is very mixed up, it seems. She is delusional, imo, as per how soon we can be together, she has an unpleasant habit of concealing her drug use from me, and I worry this bleeds into other areas, such as (potentially) cheating, the progress of her education and more.

 

I tried to give a complete picture of what I feel / observe, but I'm sure it's very one sided and some things will be missing. Ask anything you need to know. I need your best knowledge on this. I don't want to give up easily because she was very different (or so I thought at least) a year ago. But I also have no use for a toxic long distance relationships that drains me of my peace of mind and my energy.

 

Thanks for reading and commenting.

[umirano]

Anyone please?

[laceyjane]

Hi. I was in a LDR with a guy that got addicted to heroin while we were together. Not the same situation with yours but almost similar. If you want to know about my experience and how it went with him, pls do PM me. This is what I can tell you, addicts can be very manipulative. She may be addicted to just weed now but all sorts of addiction can lead to another one making them emotionally unstable. My ex made excuses to cover up things he did related to the using. All I can say is, being in a relationship with someone who abuses drugs can be very unhealthy.

[umirano]

Thanks laceyjane, from what I can tell my gf's marijuana use is still rather casual though I'd Say she is psychologically dependent. Also though she said she wants to stop she never managed to. I guess this is also bc of the people she is friends with.she used to be very ambitious academically. This semester she isn't taking any courses as she missed an important deadline...

Edited April 23, 2013 by umirano

[laceyjane]

She will only be able to stop if she stopped hanging out with these people and do something. My ex got into it because of the people he was friends with until things went down to a spiral for him that almost got him in prison. That's when he went in a rehab center and stayed there for months. Do you still want to continue your RS with her despite of you having trust issues now? You can't make her stop unless she really wants to because no one can influence us unless we want to do it ourselves.

[umirano]

She will only be able to stop if she stopped hanging out with these people and do something.

 

Yeah, that makes sense. Unfortunately that is unlikely to happen. Just today she went ballistic on me (for something unrelated) and when I asked her something about a past fight in connection with her drug use she yelled at me that she isn't going to change that because she does what she wants "and I'm not her dad [...]". Note: I never was fighting with her about her drug use. When she told me two months ago that she wants to quit, I said I'm happy to hear that and I'll help her wherever I can. Other than that I only negatively commented on it when the drug came between us, as in she was too high to talk to me. Also, she feels very uncomfortable talking to me when high and avoids me, which is probably why it is an issue in the first place.

 

Do you still want to continue your RS with her despite of you having trust issues now?

That's a very good question. I don't think she is cheating on me and I don't have any proof she ever did. And she reassures me she never did or would. Also, she's pretty jealous herself and I could imagine she wouldn't do it because I made it clear if it ever turned out she did, I'd leave her on the spot. But I know that she lies to people, and pretty convincingly so. So I really doubt I'd ever be able to tell if anything happened.

 

You can't make her stop unless she really wants to because no one can influence us unless we want to do it ourselves.

Yes. All in all I just don't feel like dealing with it anymore. She was an angel to me, I was infatuated. I met her family and they're very nice, and I think they appreciate me a lot, and I like them a lot. But over the months, it turned out that she is still very immature (drug use, flaking), doesn't really have a grip on her education, hangs out with questionable people (though she stopped hanging out with the worst bunch so far) and that she lied to me. Also how we fight has become very destructive. She acknowledges that and promised today to change that and she apologized.

 

From her point of view I have a way of making "her feel horrible" which causes her to have her guards up and counter with agression.

 

Despite all the above, I like her personality (warm, direct, uncomplicated, confident). I like her family and I like that she is a practical person. I like her humor and her sense of family. I liked a lot her academic ambitions which I'm sure are still there. She is dealing with a lot of troubles at home (terminally ill family members and others).

 

The question is, how do I communicate to her when I feel she is wrong in doing something without down talking to her, without "making her feel horrible"? I just want our fights, which take place inevitably, to be controlled and aimed at solving a real problem. And once that's achieved, I want of course to have as few fights as possible.

 

And another question probably is: She's turning 21, how soon can I hope her to become more mature and less agressive? Because I have a feeling that people tend to become a bit less agressive in fights when they grow older.

 

I think on her side the feelings are fading as well, she clearly is resenting me for making her feel horrible. Is there any hope this erosion of affection can be stopped? How, whithout me becoming unable to tell her when I am upset about something she does or does not do?

 

She tells me she loves me and I am telling her I love her. But honestly, if she called right now and ended it, I am not sure I'd be totally destroyed. Am I fooling myself?

 

Any help / advice greatly appreciated!