cocorico Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 As a fOW, I've been told both that "all As are the same", and that "your A was different", the former usually in response to claims of difference, and the latter usually in response to claims of similarity. Another post on another thread linked to an article which included the following: Nearly all affairs--yes, even yours--follow very specific patterns. They generally fall into four stages, according to several family researchers. Stage One: You develop a close emotional bond. This is the talking stage. For Shafer, it occurred on the Internet. For others, it happens at work or in the neighborhood. You get to know each other, about each other. There's a spark. Stage Two: You keep it a secret. You don't tell your spouse or your friends that you are attracted emotionally to this person. "You know you're in deep when you decide to keep the relationship secret," says Florida psychologist Debbie Layton-Tholl. "Fantasy and secrets are very powerful. They fuel the fire." Stage Three: You have lunch, play tennis. This is the dating phase, though you might not know it. You start seeing each other, doing things together. You might tell yourself this is just a colleague, just a friend. Stage Four: Well. You know. My A did not follow this pattern at all. It started out being about sex (the article's "stage four") and then moved on to "stage three", where we started doing other things together too - as we discovered shared interests. Which in turn led to "stage one", where we developed a close emotional bond. It is almost the exact reverse of the "typical pattern" laid out in the article, except that we skipped "stage two". We had no need to keep it a secret, our friends and families knew, and fantasy (in the sense used in the article) played no part in our R. I'm interested to hear from other APs (since only an AP can know first hand how the A happened for them; others would merely speculate or repeat what an apologetic WS may have told them for whatever end) whether your A followed the "typical pattern" outlined in the article, or some other variant. 1
ViresSanctity Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 That's just a guideline but yes it described my affair very closely. I was more of an open secret. 90% of the people in her life knew about me... including her husband. He'll never know about the affair though. Has anyone seen the Good Girl? Basically the MM in that movie is the MM in my story. My MW returned to him without him every knowing there was anything going on between me and her. And they'll live happily ever after I hope.
DelusionalOne Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Wow, based on this, I'm not even sure I had an A now. We barely made it out of Stage 2....AND I did not keep the relationship a secret from my H. I told him all the time that xMOM was hitting on me. My H just rolled his eyes and didn't believe it. At some point I stopped saying anything.
Author cocorico Posted April 21, 2013 Author Posted April 21, 2013 What is stage 5? They didn't list one - the article went on to say some As become regular Rs, other fizzle out after months or years, and some continue for a lifetime. So I guess it's "whatever happens next".... 1
TheOW Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 So basically the same as any other relationship except from the secrecy part obviously. I detest when people babble on about how A's are all the same they all start the same etc ... news flash so does relationships Boy meets girl Boy likes girl, girl likes boy start talking start texting start sexting start kissing start having sex fall in love Same thing Ok ok I know the lying and deceit is not in a normal relationship but the dynamics are the same 6
Author cocorico Posted April 21, 2013 Author Posted April 21, 2013 So basically the same as any other relationship except from the secrecy part obviously. I detest when people babble on about how A's are all the same they all start the same etc ... news flash so does relationships Boy meets girl Boy likes girl, girl likes boy start talking start texting start sexting start kissing start having sex fall in love Same thing Ok ok I know the lying and deceit is not in a normal relationship but the dynamics are the same TOW, it's odd you should mention that....
White Flower Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 My A happened as the model suggested, but the "well, you know" part may raise a few eyebrows. LMAO. 2
Henni Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Stage One: develop a close emotional bond, recogize it, talk to friends about it. Stage Two: talk to each other about it. Realize you're not imagining it. Then, well, you know. Then talk more. Then try ending it. Then, well, you know. Then talk more. Talk to friends more. Panic. Calm down. Panic. Calm down. Talk more. Repeat. Stage Three: Take a step back. Regroup. Then, talk more. Then, well, you know. Stage Four: Back off while divorce happens and hope you all get through it in one piece. Hope it works out, trust you'll be ok either way, and so will he. Stage Five: Divorce and separation. Proceed with caution, and well, you know....:-P 3
MissBee Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 (edited) The stages of an A are not much different from how attraction and involvement develop in any type of romantic interaction/relationships, minus the secret elements. Mine followed that pattern, except I was single so I didn't have to hide it from a spouse/other people. Likewise some people start off normal relationships by having sex first or other things. I think it's common sense that when there is a guideline, it means generally this is what happens. It puzzles me when I see people get wound up to say well this wasn't what happened for me and act like it is offensive to even have the guideline because of that. I don't get that reaction as no guideline on earth is all encompassing, yet they still serve a purpose. I don't get the sensitivity towards that to be honest. This is to be expected. Even with pregnancy, medical conditions etc. I mean doctors provide a guideline of what seems to be common with most pregnant women etc. but clearly some may experience more or less of some things or in a different order sometimes, but it's still a good guideline and isn't rigid. The one who is running to the doctor though to say well let's discard all your advice because I didn't experience morning sickness, may in fact be the one who is rigid and inflexible and can't use guidelines in a way that is realistic. Edited April 21, 2013 by MissBee 7
AnotherRound Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Human mating rituals are pretty standard, outside circumstances be damned, lol. I mean, we all kind of do the same things in a way, and it usually follows a sort of natural progression. I don't understand, honestly, why some people have this great need to insist that affairs are so different from "real relationships" or that they are all the same. It would be as nonsensical, imo, to claim that marriages are all the same. although we all get into relationships pretty much the same way - after that, there are just far too many variables to come up with a "pattern". Here's how my affair played out... Stage One: You develop a close emotional bond. This is the talking stage. Well, we talked, of course... lol. I wouldn't say this developed a "close emotional bond" - this stage is really just the getting to know you part, discovering there was mutual attraction - so we kept talking. We did both realize that it was very easy for us to talk to one another, that we had that click that isn't always there. We were attracted physically, intellectually, and such - Stage Two: You keep it a secret. You don't tell your spouse or your friends that you are attracted emotionally to this person. Nope. We didn't have this stage at all. ExMM had already told his now exW that he was going to start dating bc she refused to participate in the marriage at all, and also refused to even discuss the marriage. She just wanted things to go along as they were, and no matter how much he tried to talk to her, she refused - so, he decided to take things into his own hands on his side of it. He told her if he met someone that he liked, he was going to date them, that he wouldn't "rub it in her face" and would be discreet for the sake of their children, but he refused to divorce and lose his children full time, but he also refused to continue being deprived of any intimacy bc she was unwilling to do anything (talk, divorce, etc.). So, after he and I had talked a couple of times, he told her about me (generally, as it wasn't really her business who I was at that time), and he and I started dating. Stage Three: You have lunch, play tennis. This is the dating phase, though you might not know it. You start seeing each other, doing things together. You might tell yourself this is just a colleague, just a friend. We never played tennis... lol. We dated. We talked on the phone, we hung out, we went out to dinner, to parties, to see bands, to the movies. He picked me up, he dropped me off and we had a goodnight kiss at the door. We just dated - We talked to our friends about it, we had mutual friends who were aware (a neighbor of mine, in fact, how I met exMM, was often around when we were leaving for a date or coming back from a date). Of course we dated - it's weird to me that anyone thinks people in affairs didn't "date"... ???? Stage Four: Well. You know. Huh - lol. Yeah, after talking, and getting to know each other, and dating - we progressed into a full fledged relationship. By this time, we knew each other somewhat well, we were STILL attracted, physically and intellectually and emotionally -so we proceeded to the next step. I think that this is the time we became emotionally bonded - not at the first stage (that seems awful hasty to me?). This is where we built on that initial attraction, and developed it and nurtured it into a relationship. And, got to know each other even better. We bonded on many levels, yes, including sexually. 2
movingon45 Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 So basically the same as any other relationship except from the secrecy part obviously. I detest when people babble on about how A's are all the same they all start the same etc ... news flash so does relationships Boy meets girl Boy likes girl, girl likes boy start talking start texting start sexting start kissing start having sex fall in love Same thing Ok ok I know the lying and deceit is not in a normal relationship but the dynamics are the same Ahh the sexting, yes, that's how it started for me. I didn't even know what it was until it happened! First and last affair. Not doing it again.
skylarblue Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I think "nearly all" is the key word here. That's much different then "all". I imagine people usually get offended to some degree by sweeping generalizations declaring that ALL people/situations are a certain way when they don't fit the mold of that situation, particularly when it's unfavorable or negative or they have someone erroneously debating/opining that they do. That being said: There are so many factors that determine the course of an A. Statistics aside, I think the mentioned course is the likely scenario when an EA occurs first. The opposite is more likely to occur when a PA develops first. And then sometimes none of it is applicable like when an A is strictly PA and stays that way during its entirety or is a (no previous contact) ONS (which I consider an A). My A didn't fit the "nearly all As" mold. We started off as PA between strangers and remained that way for 5yrs. We didn't date. We didn't fawn. We didn't even talk outside of planning to hook up for like 3yrs. I didn't want a R with or had no emotional connection to xMM. It is only because of the pregnancy that I felt I should be pursuing something deeper with him. It was a conscious decision, not a natural one. I decided we either had to end it or it had to become something more for me to stay. So, we had a conversation and continued the A on a different course. Even then we didn't "date" or go out on outings (I think we went out in public as a couple 4x and I would only classify one as a date). Our time was spent either at his jobs (he had various places that could be working) or his, my, or his friend's house. I don't completely get (although I totally understand) the part about the secrecy. My thought is if a person keeps their attraction to someone else from their spouse or friends it's usually because they either feel there is something wrong about it and/or there will be some type of negative reaction to it. Personally, I've never been involved in an A that followed that mold. I've never had an EA before a PA, and I've never taken it beyond a PA with the exception of xMM. Other than in one instance (in regards to others' A), I haven't been privy to an A developing in the article's description. They were all PA only or PA first. 2
HonestNeurotic Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 Yeppers. PA was the goal from the outset. Not dating or anything at all on an emotional level was ever sought. In fact, there was never an emotional connection at all with my first affair. Though I recognize that is more of an exception than the rule. I've never been good with the emotional side of a relationship. Usually it's an acceptance thing. I don't think I desire secrecy so much as it is just I really don't want paths crossing anywhere. I could never go out with anyone from work, even when I was single. It just always seemed like a bad idea. As always - take what you can and leave the rest.
SweetiePie12 Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I'm interested to hear from other APs (since only an AP can know first hand how the A happened for them Stage One: You develop a close emotional bond. This is the talking stage. Yes. Long phone conversations. [quuote] Stage Two: You keep it a secret. You don't tell your spouse or your friends that you are attracted emotionally to this person. "You know you're in deep when you decide to keep the relationship secret," Our friendship is very public, but the exact nature of how we spend our time, sometimes, is private. So, yes, there is certainly a secretive aspect. Stage Three: You have lunch, play tennis. This is the dating phase, though you might not know it. You start seeing each other, doing things together. You might tell yourself this is just a colleague, just a friend. We took a few meetings together, but no "dating". No lunches. Stage Four: Well. You know. That came 3 months in to what is our 11 month relationship. I'd say that was our stage 2.
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