For those missing the friendship...

[movingon45]

...forget it, it really doesn't happen! I thought of reconnecting again and a common concern (work related) paved the way. I broke the A 7 months ago no Dday and I have since healed after NC and LC and NC again, but now missing the friendship and the special attention. Well, texting went okay at first, but very quickly turned to sexual from him. It's really true, AP can't be friends because sex always gets in the way. What was I thinking? That my situation was unique and special? He just wanted the sex So I went to NC again.

[AnotherRound]

I'm sorry that you had that experience.

 

My exMM and I have been friends since I ended it with him over 2 years ago. It has gone stronger and weaker at times, depending - but we still catch up and check in with one another, see how things are going. And we still talk about everything and anything - and he has never taken it back to the sex. I can imagine that if ever time we talked, he did that, I would be upset too!!!

 

We have discussed possibly dating one another, and the only comment he has made was asking me if I "still have that hot body"... boys, right? But other than that, not a word about getting together to have sex, or talking about our sex life - other than in comparison to how different it was from his with his now exW as he is working through his own feelings about the divorce.

 

I guess I would be curious about how these guys like your exMM bring this up? I mean, did he just come out with it, like, "Hey, let's have sex!"... ???? I know that many men bond with the act of sex, so maybe he thinks that is what you want/need to bond with him or something? I dunno - how did you respond? And good for you if NC is what you want and you are able to maintain that.

 

Again, sorry you experienced it - I wouldn't be too impressed either with that !!!!

[Goodbye]

Ugh, I'm sorry movingon. Was he trying to be loving? Like rekindling the romance? Or just sexual. If he is just being a nasty horn-dog, I'd be tempted to tell his wife. I'm still not sure that gets anything accomplished other than creating drama. Hang in there and onward in your NC.

[movingon45]

Ugh, I'm sorry movingon. Was he trying to be loving? Like rekindling the romance? Or just sexual. If he is just being a nasty horn-dog, I'd be tempted to tell his wife. I'm still not sure that gets anything accomplished other than creating drama. Hang in there and onward in your NC.

 

Thanks. Both. It wasn't so bad. I just thought that we could be friends. Disappointed that's all.

[Goodbye]

Yes, I think it is a very rare case when a true friendship can come of all of this.

[So happy together]

You know, I've often wondered how people say they have stayed friends with an ex lover, married or not.

 

I could never have an intense love affair with someone and then months later just act like we were friends. For me it just doesn't work that way.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through this. It could be that (because he is a man) he doesn't know how else to express himself. Regardless, you've decided that it's over and have moved on. So should he. But the friend thing? For me, it would never work.

 

Hang in there.

[whichwayisup]

...forget it, it really doesn't happen! I thought of reconnecting again and a common concern (work related) paved the way. I broke the A 7 months ago no Dday and I have since healed after NC and LC and NC again, but now missing the friendship and the special attention. Well, texting went okay at first, but very quickly turned to sexual from him. It's really true, AP can't be friends because sex always gets in the way. What was I thinking? That my situation was unique and special? He just wanted the sex So I went to NC again.

 

You wanted friendship and 'special attention' he wanted sex. Each of you on some level were using each other.

 

Anyway, glad you're back in NC mode. Grieve the loss and be strong!

[AnotherRound]

You know, I've often wondered how people say they have stayed friends with an ex lover, married or not.

 

I could never have an intense love affair with someone and then months later just act like we were friends. For me it just doesn't work that way.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through this. It could be that (because he is a man) he doesn't know how else to express himself. Regardless, you've decided that it's over and have moved on. So should he. But the friend thing? For me, it would never work.

 

Hang in there.

 

For me, it's not a "regular" friendship at all. It's like, a level above my other friendships - there is still that attraction there, we just don't act on it. We actually talk about our other relationships, and I know that I have never been able to do that with anyone else that I've dated. With him, it's just - different. We are just very realistic about life - we are both similar in that. We both realize that we are not the only ones "out there" for the other - that we could find other people that we would be compatible with. But we also recognize that we have a very good connection - and so far, neither of us has been willing to let go of that.

 

I told him initially that we could NOT be friends. After a while, I just felt like it was silly (to me in this situation) to not maintain our friendship. But, we broke up bc of circumstances, not bc either of us wanted to - or had fallen out of love with the other.

 

I get what you are saying, and honestly, am surprised that he and I have been able to maintain our friendship throughout all of this, and for more than two years after our break up. We know each other well, and each value the other's input about our actions and behaviors and thoughts and feelings. It IS a weird set up... lol.

[ViresSanctity]

...forget it, it really doesn't happen! I thought of reconnecting again and a common concern (work related) paved the way. I broke the A 7 months ago no Dday and I have since healed after NC and LC and NC again, but now missing the friendship and the special attention. Well, texting went okay at first, but very quickly turned to sexual from him. It's really true, AP can't be friends because sex always gets in the way. What was I thinking? That my situation was unique and special? He just wanted the sex So I went to NC again.

 

Well I know your topic is about him wanting sex.

 

But if I could go back in time, I would stick to being friends with my exMW. I loved her friendship even before the romance kicked in. It was definitely more valuable than sex.

 

Knowing now where it would lead us, and what had transpired, I know that's never possible - our friendship that is.

 

Life feels like such mockery when you're granted the most blissful moment of your life, and have completely taken away in the form of NC.

[DelusionalOne]

 

Life feels like such mockery when you're granted the most blissful moment of your life, and have completely taken away in the form of NC.

 

That is the most beautifully poetic statement I've read on LS. And I mean that in all sincerity.

[movingon45]

I'm sorry that you had that experience.

 

 

I guess I would be curious about how these guys like your exMM bring this up? I mean, did he just come out with it, like, "Hey, let's have sex!"... ???? I know that many men bond with the act of sex, so maybe he thinks that is what you want/need to bond with him or something? I dunno - how did you respond? And good for you if NC is what you want and you are able to maintain that.

 

Again, sorry you experienced it - I wouldn't be too impressed either with that !!!!

 

 

Thanks. He sent a sexy photo on Viber. At first I was shocked and then I sent something like we can never really be friends huh bec sex always comes in the way? tsk tsk and then he responded by saying that he just had to send it. I asked why and he said that he was thinking about it. I didn't respond anymore.

[movingon45]

Well I know your topic is about him wanting sex.

 

But if I could go back in time, I would stick to being friends with my exMW. I loved her friendship even before the romance kicked in. It was definitely more valuable than sex.

 

Knowing now where it would lead us, and what had transpired, I know that's never possible - our friendship that is.

 

Life feels like such mockery when you're granted the most blissful moment of your life, and have completely taken away in the form of NC.

 

Very profound. Thanks.

[movingon45]

For me, it's not a "regular" friendship at all. It's like, a level above my other friendships - there is still that attraction there, we just don't act on it. We actually talk about our other relationships, and I know that I have never been able to do that with anyone else that I've dated. With him, it's just - different. We are just very realistic about life - we are both similar in that. We both realize that we are not the only ones "out there" for the other - that we could find other people that we would be compatible with. But we also recognize that we have a very good connection - and so far, neither of us has been willing to let go of that.

 

I told him initially that we could NOT be friends. After a while, I just felt like it was silly (to me in this situation) to not maintain our friendship. But, we broke up bc of circumstances, not bc either of us wanted to - or had fallen out of love with the other.

 

I get what you are saying, and honestly, am surprised that he and I have been able to maintain our friendship throughout all of this, and for more than two years after our break up. We know each other well, and each value the other's input about our actions and behaviors and thoughts and feelings. It IS a weird set up... lol.

 

This is exactly the kind of mature relationship that I wanted to have!!! True about the attraction being always there but we don't have to act on it. We can always talk about everything and I honestly feel that he is my soulmate. Maybe in time we can have this; just not now. Perhaps it's too soon 7 months after I broke up with him.

[lifelesson101]

 

Life feels like such mockery when you're granted the most blissful moment of your life, and have completely taken away in the form of NC.

 

 

How wonderful to hear you say this. My God, how I miss my best friend.

[AnotherRound]

This is exactly the kind of mature relationship that I wanted to have!!! True about the attraction being always there but we don't have to act on it. We can always talk about everything and I honestly feel that he is my soulmate. Maybe in time we can have this; just not now. Perhaps it's too soon 7 months after I broke up with him.

 

Well, my exMM and struggled a bit at first with it - we both still had very hurt feelings (I had ended it with him and he was heartbroken, so there was that to get past). After some time and distance, he was able to see through his emotional upset to the reasons why I ended it, and was able to accept that.

 

I think that we do have a very mature relationship - but like I said, I've never been able to have anything like this with former bfs, so - I think it's just the combo of he and I together. We are both very realistic about life and relationships - I have never believed that he was my soulmate, nor he I as far as I know, but we do recognize that we click, tremendously, and in so many ways. That is somewhat rare in life, so we try to treat it with the respect it deserves - but also, realize that we want to do things the way that is best for both of us. Right now, that means being friends - having each other in our lives without the physical stuff.

 

I mean, we don't lie about things, like the fact that we are obviously physically attracted to each other (which is increased by our mutual intellectual and emotional attraction) - but we also don't pretend that it would never happen with anyone else, it absolutely could. It might not be common - but it's not impossible, and we both accept that.

 

We are also over 2 years past our breakup. He has dated other people and I have dated other people - we talk about these things candidly with one another. It's not a threat, we don't feel jealous - we KNOW what we have, and that it would be possible to have it with someone else if either of us was inclined and met someone that fit that bill for us. It is a bit weird, but he and I view relationships the same way - so we almost always agree on how they "should" be, lol. So, when my exbf was acting like a douche, exMM said so - and when his exgf was acting like a psycho, I said so, lol. But, we also know each other very well, so we tell each other honestly those things that we do that are cumbersome too. Just recently, he made the comment, "I KNOW you too well - you would have done x, y, z" - and he was absolutely right, lol... I would have! But he also agreed that my exbf was not the same type of relationship person as I am - and I knew that, he just backed it up.

 

He KNOWS me on so many levels, his input is valuable to me, and vice versa. I am fair and honest regarding his divorce and his relationships - again, there is NO jealousy or threats. No matter what happens from here on out, whether we end up together or apart - I want him to be happy, and I will always be here for him to bounce things off of if he wants that. We keep each other in check, in reality - and that's priceless. We know that we are a good fit, but not the ONLY fit - and neither of us is scared of that. We are both very strong people, very comfortable in our own skin, and very realistic - we have very strong senses of self, we know ourselves well, and we know each other well. Other than my best gf and my sister, there is nobody on this planet that even comes close to knowing me and appreciating me the way he does - apart or together.

[movingon45]

Well, my exMM and struggled a bit at first with it - we both still had very hurt feelings (I had ended it with him and he was heartbroken, so there was that to get past). After some time and distance, he was able to see through his emotional upset to the reasons why I ended it, and was able to accept that.

 

I think that we do have a very mature relationship - but like I said, I've never been able to have anything like this with former bfs, so - I think it's just the combo of he and I together. We are both very realistic about life and relationships - I have never believed that he was my soulmate, nor he I as far as I know, but we do recognize that we click, tremendously, and in so many ways. That is somewhat rare in life, so we try to treat it with the respect it deserves - but also, realize that we want to do things the way that is best for both of us. Right now, that means being friends - having each other in our lives without the physical stuff.

 

I mean, we don't lie about things, like the fact that we are obviously physically attracted to each other (which is increased by our mutual intellectual and emotional attraction) - but we also don't pretend that it would never happen with anyone else, it absolutely could. It might not be common - but it's not impossible, and we both accept that.

 

We are also over 2 years past our breakup. He has dated other people and I have dated other people - we talk about these things candidly with one another. It's not a threat, we don't feel jealous - we KNOW what we have, and that it would be possible to have it with someone else if either of us was inclined and met someone that fit that bill for us. It is a bit weird, but he and I view relationships the same way - so we almost always agree on how they "should" be, lol. So, when my exbf was acting like a douche, exMM said so - and when his exgf was acting like a psycho, I said so, lol. But, we also know each other very well, so we tell each other honestly those things that we do that are cumbersome too. Just recently, he made the comment, "I KNOW you too well - you would have done x, y, z" - and he was absolutely right, lol... I would have! But he also agreed that my exbf was not the same type of relationship person as I am - and I knew that, he just backed it up.

 

He KNOWS me on so many levels, his input is valuable to me, and vice versa. I am fair and honest regarding his divorce and his relationships - again, there is NO jealousy or threats. No matter what happens from here on out, whether we end up together or apart - I want him to be happy, and I will always be here for him to bounce things off of if he wants that. We keep each other in check, in reality - and that's priceless. We know that we are a good fit, but not the ONLY fit - and neither of us is scared of that. We are both very strong people, very comfortable in our own skin, and very realistic - we have very strong senses of self, we know ourselves well, and we know each other well. Other than my best gf and my sister, there is nobody on this planet that even comes close to knowing me and appreciating me the way he does - apart or together.

 

 

Ahhh I could have written this except for the acceptance and the mature part. In time, I think. We were grade school classmates, then college sweethearts, and then 25 years later met again for the reunion. Three years before the A started. Lots of history between us. Hard to let go just like that. Yes, we were both very honest as well, no promises, no H and W bashing.

 

Thanks for sharing. This is wonderful to hear. I envy your relationship.

[AnotherRound]

Ahhh I could have written this except for the acceptance and the mature part. In time, I think. We were grade school classmates, then college sweethearts, and then 25 years later met again for the reunion. Three years before the A started. Lots of history between us. Hard to let go just like that. Yes, we were both very honest as well, no promises, no H and W bashing.

 

Thanks for sharing. This is wonderful to hear. I envy your relationship.

 

If I knew why it worked for us exactly, I would share the secret with you!!! I honestly have very little idea - a few, but none that I'm so certain of that I would pin it on that. I honestly think it's just the combination of he and I - neither of us has this type of relationship with anyone else that we have been with. Of course, few people in the world are as realistic as he and I are about love and relationships - it's like they see it as sacrilege to acknowledge that intimate relationships aren't this once in a lifetime, that person only, things - or something?

 

It took us a while to get here - so, don't give up hope. You two have a LOT of history, and that is hard to let go and to ignore. If you have that connection, it will pull you back together in some form - I don't see how it couldn't considering it is quite rare in this life to have that level of connection with another, especially someone of the opposite sex!

[DelusionalOne]

Urgh... This thread makes me want xMM to contact me! Gah, stupid emotions!

 

If he texted you right this second... what would your reaction be? Would your stomach jump and your heart pound? If so... you probably aren't aren't for contact. At least that is my LITMUS test, so to speak.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

This one hits home. After three years the thing I miss the most is the friendship. I am sick that I messed that up. Of course we were suited and connected in so many other ways, but its the friendship I miss the most.

 

If there was any way for the four of us (my xmom, his bs, my bh, and me ) to is down and try to fix it and work it out I would love nothing better.

 

There isn't a day that I don't miss that part the most. It grieves me so much that I messed that up because of my lack of control.

[movingon45]

This one hits home. After three years the thing I miss the most is the friendship. I am sick that I messed that up. Of course we were suited and connected in so many other ways, but its the friendship I miss the most.

 

If there was any way for the four of us (my xmom, his bs, my bh, and me ) to is down and try to fix it and work it out I would love nothing better.

 

There isn't a day that I don't miss that part the most. It grieves me so much that I messed that up because of my lack of control.

 

 

Would yu mind sharing the lack of control part? Only if you're ready. We might learn from your experience.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Would yu mind sharing the lack of control part? Only if you're ready. We might learn from your experience.

 

I guess I mean wanting it ALL. The friendship, the love, the soul to soul moments, etc. Once we crossed the line to a physical relationship, there was no going back. We knew what it was like to be together in an intimate and close relationship - not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually (I use that word with trepidation).

 

I had a hard time cutting off the physical aspect because when I was with him, it felt like home if that makes sense.

 

Now looking back, knowing that neither of us really belonged to each other - we belonged to someone else - I wish I had had the strength to just keep the friendship because that was the most important aspect of our relationship, really.