We accept the love we think we deserve ❤

[iouaname]

Having a rough morning I find mornings are the hardest. I'm not sure why, but for some reason I wake up every morning with a huge knot in my stomach and a lot of anxiety.

 

I wish that I could just stop thinking about him, as he has claimed he has done about me.

 

I have a presentation this week that I really should get done today, but I just don't have the energy or the motivation to work on it.

[iouaname]

I've decided to medicate a little bit to get through the morning. The psychiatrist I've been seeing has me on three different medications - one that acts as a kind of tranquilizer to calm me when I'm feeling anxious. I have my appointments with both my psychiatrist and my therapist today, so I'm looking forward to that. I hate being like this, I hate that I have to medicate just to feel numb. Right now numb is better than miserable though, I guess.

 

Maybe after the appointment, I'll get the motivation to do this presentation...

[iouaname]

So, I have an update that I am sure some are going to disagree with but since this is kind of my journal, I want to be honest. I contacted my ex because I was upset about the things that had been said about me to people, and I really let him have it. Just ripped into him. It caused a huge scene at first, where we were both taking shots at each other. He called me dramatic and said this was all psychodrama and that this was the reason that he didn't want us talking, but as we continued to talk we really worked things out, far better than we had ever before. We really talked through things, in depth, apologized for both of our wrong-doings and were frank but kind to each other. We agreed to leave all mutual friends out of it and to not disrespectfully talk about each other. Honestly, nothing got left unsaid. I know that that is not the typical protocol around here - but for this situation, it worked. He then said that he felt like we could be a part of each other's lives in a positive way, but I said that I need to move forward. He asked me to keep in touch every so often, because he didn't want to be completely removed from my life. I simply said okay, but I know in my heart that that is the last time that I will talk to him.

 

This conversation took place via-AIM, so I blocked AIM entirely, also blocked his Facebook page from being viewable by my browser (although I already had him blocked on Facebook). His numbers are blocked in my phone and his e-mails were deleted as contacts, so there's really nothing left. He is officially cut from my life. I mean, it's been four months and all of this has been so drawn out. I admit that a lot of it was my fault, and he admitted to his faults as well. I know now how to handle a situation like this differently.

 

I know that we are not supposed to seek closure through conversations with the ex, but at this point I feel like it was accomplished for me. I'm not over him and I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself, but I no longer have the feelings of resentment, I no longer am so upset over being labeled "the crazy ex," and I no longer feel so wronged and misunderstood. Truthfully, I am glad that I did this.

 

No contact is definitely the way to go and if I'm ever going through a breakup again it will be implemented 100% from the start, but once it had been broken so many other issues came up that I felt that this talk was necessary. This was a learning experience for sure, and I'm happy to be able to try to move forward now with literally nothing left to say to him and no reason to look back at all.

[iouaname]

Another morning For some reason these hit me the hardest. I think it's because I get temporary relief from everything while I sleep, just to wake up to find that I'm still in the same position.

 

While I don't regret the conversation last night at all and am happy that it took place, a part of me is still disappointed in myself for the fact that I care so much what he thinks of me. Finding out he said all of those hurtful things was hard and I needed to rectify it for some reason.

 

I also need to take a serious inventory of why I am so unable to stay no contact. It's been four months and even though I attempted it, once it got broken it felt like I was starting all over again and just couldn't break contact.

 

if I'm ever going to get anywhere though, I know that I need to just do it. No reaching out, no responding... so today is officially Day 1, and so for now I'll go one step at a time and just continue on without contacting him.

[youngnlove89]

I also need to take a serious inventory of why I am so unable to stay no contact. It's been four months and even though I attempted it, once it got broken it felt like I was starting all over again and just couldn't break contact.

 

if I'm ever going to get anywhere though, I know that I need to just do it. No reaching out, no responding... so today is officially Day 1, and so for now I'll go one step at a time and just continue on without contacting him.

 

Don't set yourself up. That was my lesson learned. I broke no contact one too many times. No contact means not thinking about it, not keep tracking of it, and not dwelling on it. Don't count the days you haven't talked to him, live them instead. Trust me counting the days is too rough and it's like your counting up to something...to talking to him again. No contact means NEVER TALKING TO HIM AGAIN. So why do we need to keep track? It's forever, and it starts now.

 

You will have temptations, you will be weak, you will be on the verge of sending the message, but don't. Just don't. It's that simple.

 

Keeping track of how many days it's been is still letting him in your life, in your heart...

[iouaname]

[highlight]"You're weak. Everybody is. Everybody fails... Strong is fighting! It's hard, and it's painful, and it's every day. It's what we have to do."[/highlight]

-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer

 

I'm on a Buffy kick ❤

 

This quote rings incredibly true for me right now. I think that my whole life, I've desired to be this really strong person. I've wanted to be someone who isn't hurt by other people, who doesn't put up with **** and who always makes the right decisions. I definitely do not feel I was that person in this relationship or after the breakup. In fact, I would say at some points I was "the crazy, dramatic ex." I didn't do anything that was too insane or unforgivable, but there were definitely times that I should have not allowed my emotions to get the best of me.

 

The one thing I can say that I am proud of myself for is that I have fought through it at all. When the breakup first happened, everyone though that I wouldn't make it. My parents and my aunt were extremely nervous to send me off to school where they wouldn't be able to keep an eye on me, and today my therapist and psychiatrist both told me that they were very impressed/proud of me because when they first began seeing me at the beginning of the semester, they weren't sure that I was going to make it through the semester because a lot of people in this situation choose to take the semester off. But, I've powered through it, and without having to take too much damage to my GPA. ツ So for that, I'm really happy.

 

I believe that I'm on the path to being the strong person that I want to be. It won't happen right away, and I have a lot to learn about myself and to fix about myself but again, I'm still here and I'm still going and I am still fighting through the pain.

[iouaname]

Trust me counting the days is too rough and it's like your counting up to something...to talking to him again.

 

Even though I agree with the overall point, I look at it kind of like alcoholics anonymous. They count how long it has been since they last drank, and they reward themselves for their milestones. For me, I found that helpful because I could say "I went one month. Do something really nice for yourself to celebrate :)" and then eventually, the amount of pride that I had for achieving each milestone and the desire to reach the next began to outweigh the desire to contact him. I failed, but I'm getting back on the horse.

 

Thanks for the advice, though!

[Am4Real]

This is very true and an astute observation, counting days "since" is also keeping a focus on the pain.

 

If one must count for a week to a month, I understand, but I would not keep a tally at all.

 

What I might suggest is quote the last day you spoke or the day you made a decision to be free of your EX; if someone wants to do calendar "math" based on the date, they can do it on their own.

 

 

Keeping track of how many days it's been is still letting him in your life, in your heart...

[iouaname]

[highlight]" “When it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, then I'm already better than them.”[/highlight]

-- Marilyn Monroe

 

My main problem has been that I care so much about what my ex and the "mutual friends" think of me and how I am handling it, while handling it in a way that would not make me proud. I made two really big decisions in an effort to put what other people think behind me and focus on me:

 

1) I blocked and deleted everyone. I have had my ex blocked from basically everything for a while, but when I did speak to him he had told me that he had had mutual friends checking up on me () to make sure that I was okay. He even told me that he doesn't want to be excised from my life, but that is exactly what I am doing. I have also deleted all of the mutual friends. A lot of them came back recently asking to be friends and stuff and I considered it but then I realized that he has been talking so much **** to them about me that I can't possibly continue a relationship with them without feeling some attachment to him. So I deleted all of them, blocked all of them. None of them have any way to contact me or check up on me or know what's happening with me, and it feels great.

 

2) I am no longer carrying my breakup into the world. I have talked to everyone about this breakup. I have several friends who I talk to about it, once in a while it comes up with my roommates, some of the mutual friends have heard about it... but no more. I have let this consume my life for far too long and I just can't do it anymore. I have decided that I am no longer going to speak to anyone about it. I'm not going to bottle it up, but I am just going to come here to talk about it and deal with it. I think that by channeling all of it into one place (Loveshack/this thread), it won't feel like such a part of my life anymore.

 

He has said he doesn't think much about me anymore, whether that's true or not -- he's already miles ahead of me in getting over the relationship and it's mostly my own fault, so I feel like speeding up a little bit. I know it's not a race, and now that contact has been completely cut - I don't even know what he's doing/thinking, but I want to move past this.

[Minneloa]

[highlight]" “When it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, then I'm already better than them.”[/highlight]

-- Marilyn Monroe

 

1) I blocked and deleted everyone. I have had my ex blocked from basically everything for a while, but when I did speak to him he had told me that he had had mutual friends checking up on me () to make sure that I was okay. He even told me that he doesn't want to be excised from my life, but that is exactly what I am doing. I have also deleted all of the mutual friends. A lot of them came back recently asking to be friends and stuff and I considered it but then I realized that he has been talking so much **** to them about me that I can't possibly continue a relationship with them without feeling some attachment to him. So I deleted all of them, blocked all of them. None of them have any way to contact me or check up on me or know what's happening with me, and it feels great.

 

This is great, iouaname! What an excellent concrete action to take in support of your healing. Yay, you!

[iouaname]

Thank you! It's hard, but I'm happy to feel like there's no longer comparison. I don't have to feel or see him moving on, and he and the mutual friends don't have to know where I am in moving on, either. I just don't exist to any of them anymore, and that's oddly comforting.

[iouaname]

Feeling a little bit better today. I think that I've hit a point where I'm slowly moving upward in getting over him. Before, it felt like I was pretty stagnant, or like I was cycling between emotions, but now I feel a bit more stabilized and am feeling decent

 

I think the fact that I've managed to completely disappear to everyone involved with my ex is really what did it. Before, even when I was not having contact with him, I had contact with friends of his who I knew would relay information - but the idea that none of them know what I'm doing or how I'm feeling has really made a huge difference in how I feel.

 

I was also able to muster up the motivation to study for a test and complete a presentation ^_^

 

The one thing is, I feel like my brain is so used to thinking about him that I can't force him out. I hope that goes away soon and I'm able to just stop thinking about him...

[Am4Real]

This is great news!

 

 

Feeling a little bit better today. I think that I've hit a point where I'm slowly moving upward in getting over him. Before, it felt like I was pretty stagnant, or like I was cycling between emotions, but now I feel a bit more stabilized and am feeling decent

 

I think the fact that I've managed to completely disappear to everyone involved with my ex is really what did it. Before, even when I was not having contact with him, I had contact with friends of his who I knew would relay information - but the idea that none of them know what I'm doing or how I'm feeling has really made a huge difference in how I feel.

 

I was also able to muster up the motivation to study for a test and complete a presentation ^_^

 

The one thing is, I feel like my brain is so used to thinking about him that I can't force him out. I hope that goes away soon and I'm able to just stop thinking about him...

[iouaname]

This morning is a little tough again, but I'm doing okay. Having him say that he doesn't think about me all that often and that the feelings just aren't there anymore has been motivation to really move on, so I'm trying much harder than ever before. Still, it's a hard pill to swallow, to feel like I was so easy to get over while here I am, four months later, still devastated

 

[highlight]“It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone.”[/highlight]

- Marilyn Monroe

 

I've had to take a real personal inventory on why this has hurt me so badly and why I have struggled so much over this. I was unhappy in the relationship for quite some time, but I didn't end things because I was terrified of losing him (although at the time I didn't know it.) But now that he's gone... I feel the rejection is what hurts the most. To feel like I was so easy to let go of and to get over... it's tough.

 

Still, the relationship with him was never going to make me truly happy. He was an emotional crutch for me but I don't think the relationship was ever truly a healthy or good one. He definitely does not deserve the pedastal I put him on.

 

He lied.

He cheated.

He said mean things about me behind my back.

He's arrogant.

He overcompensates for how unhappy with himself he is by bragging and making things up.

He's selfish.

 

and yet he'll carry himself like he's so insightful and sure of himself

 

I think it's time to really learn how to be happy for myself and not put my happiness in someone who both can't provide it and doesn't deserve me...

[ViciousCycle]

It's the worst when they're so sure of themselves, like they've made some sort of sage-like decision with great contemplation.

 

I think this helps you move on in two ways: 1) They make it clear to you they're done, so you have no choice. BUT..more importantly..2) It shows a lack of perspective on the situation and how it affects others. They may be trying to convince themselves. They may just want to move on quickly and push you aside. It is all about them. You don't want to be about someone who is all about themselves.

[iouaname]

Yes -- it's so irritating. It's worse that he's going around advertising to everyone how over it he is and how rarely he thinks of me. It's probably true, and I'm forcing myself to face that it's true, but it just hurts. I'm embarrassed that all of them even know that I am still a wreck, I wish I had just cut everyone and everything off from the start.

 

My emotions are running high this morning -- I have a presentation to give this afternoon and then a test right after And I can't get him off my mind.

[iouaname]

Just some more venting...

 

I hate that he wouldn't take responsibility for anything and that it was all my issue. He sent me ridiculous mixed messages, called me for two months while I went no contact, and then proceeds to tell everyone how insane I am for not being over it How could he just expect me to be over it?

 

I'm sad and I miss him (the old him), and it makes me feel bad about myself to no longer mean anything to him. I know that that is a sign of my own insecurities and something that I need to work on, but just no longer meaning anything to him after giving him my everything and really opening up... is frustrating. It makes me feel a bit worthless as a person.

 

It's also hard to figure out where to begin in fixing those sorts of things about myself...

[iouaname]

Tonight has been much better: I got an A on the presentation that I had to give, I slept with the first guy that I've slept with since my ex, and I had an amazing night with friends. I'm feeling really positive... hopefully this is a sign of an upward movement in my feelings

[iouaname]

I am feeling better overall, and beginning to notice a pattern in my feelings which is helpful. I feel sad and anxious in the morning, and then it sort of fades by the afternoon and I end up having good nights. I know now to just push past the mornings because the afternoons & nights will be good.

 

Gonna have a fun day today, I think. There's a big annual boat race going on at the pond at school this morning and so I'll be going with a roommate, should be fun!

 

Things are still hard, and I miss the good times with my ex and the man that he used to be (or at least, the man that he pretended to be/the man that I thought he was.) His recent behavior is helping me to realize that he's far from perfect and not that great of a guy, really, if he's able to treat me the way that he has. I hate the selfishness he has shown in all of this, and the 'relief' he seemed to show at having me out of his life.

 

Just taking it a day at a time

[iouaname]

[highlight]"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”[/highlight]

-- Marilyn Monroe

 

I'm feeling better, but I need to have some sort of faith to make it through this. These days are still tough -- he's on my mind 24/7 and the fact that I know for sure that I'm not on his kills me. But, he's changed. He's not the person that he used to be, or that I thought he was... and I need to accept that and let go. It would be easier if I were able to believe there was more out there for me. I don't know that I will ever meet anyone that I feel good with, the way that I did with him.

 

I try to look at this as a growing experience: I've learned a lot, and I know that I'm a better person and becoming a stronger person because of this but a part of me just wishes that I could have this experience and have him back I have no hope for the relationship and I have completely removed us from each other's lives, but I just wish things had been different. Instead I am trying to have hope that something better will come along, and I'll understand the reason for all of the suffering I've gone through.

 

Overall though, feeling more positive. I am happy that I decided to stop talking to people about it and just confine all my thoughts about him here to this thread. The venting, the feelings... it feels so much better than letting it be a part of my daily life now.

[Am4Real]

I'm so sorry. You sound like a wonderful person.

 

[highlight]"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”[/highlight]

-- Marilyn Monroe

 

I'm feeling better, but I need to have some sort of faith to make it through this. These days are still tough -- he's on my mind 24/7 and the fact that I know for sure that I'm not on his kills me. But, he's changed. He's not the person that he used to be, or that I thought he was... and I need to accept that and let go. It would be easier if I were able to believe there was more out there for me. I don't know that I will ever meet anyone that I feel good with, the way that I did with him.

 

I try to look at this as a growing experience: I've learned a lot, and I know that I'm a better person and becoming a stronger person because of this but a part of me just wishes that I could have this experience and have him back I have no hope for the relationship and I have completely removed us from each other's lives, but I just wish things had been different. Instead I am trying to have hope that something better will come along, and I'll understand the reason for all of the suffering I've gone through.

 

Overall though, feeling more positive. I am happy that I decided to stop talking to people about it and just confine all my thoughts about him here to this thread. The venting, the feelings... it feels so much better than letting it be a part of my daily life now.

[Appleness]

I made sure to read your whole thread before I commented.

 

I'm proud of you iouaname. You are doing very well in spite of everything your ex is trying to do to sabotage you by way of his passive-aggressive stalking and breadcrumbs. You"ll have long hard times ahead (not gonna lie) and even if you commit to NC it will get a bit tougher before it eases up a bit. I had a bit of Stockholm syndrome myself around the 6 month mark but it got better after like a week.

 

I remember one of few times I had to see ex after the BU. He was always very fond of saying that I knew him better than he knew himself. Of course, he was a bit like YOUR ex where he wanted to maintain the macho reputation and brag around his friends. I told him "I think you're a douche and I'm supposed to be the person that loves you the best. Imagine everyone else who doesn't love you as much and what THEY must be thinking."

 

Stay strong! Things will get better

[iouaname]

Thanks for the support, both of you!

 

I can feel myself getting better day by day. There are definitely some low moments but overall I am doing better. And honestly - it's because I'm doing the things that everyone told me I should be doing from the start Sometimes, it takes learning it for yourself to know, I guess? I feel like I'm so much better equipped to handle this kind of situation both now and in the future...

[iouaname]

[highlight]"You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other until it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood -- blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it"[/highlight]

 

I constantly struggle with how a relationship can go the way that mine did. How can two people who were at one point so close turn out... like this? It's sad, but I am beginning to see things a little bit differently.

 

People come into your lives for a reason, maybe it's because they are there for a time when you need them. That's the case for my ex, for sure. I was in a place where his coming into my life changed so much about my life and got me on a path towards happiness in the long-run for myself. I am beginning to accept that his time in my life just came to an end. We no longer had anything to add to each others' journey, and so it was time for us to take what we learned and go on.

 

It's just, I would have liked us to think fondly of each other and to realize the huge (positive) impact that we had on each others' lives. Instead, it feels like there is nothing but hurt feelings and bitterness between us. Accepting the fact that something so great turned so sour is so much harder than accepting that the relationship is over...

[iouaname]

This is the first morning in a while where I haven't woken up feeling anxious or depressed. In fact, I'm feeling generally pretty good this morning I feel like I am beginning to turn a corner, and I hope that it lasts for a while!