ali_g Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 My gf has been showing her insecure side lately. She's been cheated on a few times before and she now needs constant reassurance. At first I didn't mind it at all. It was almost flattering, but now I feel like I am giving more than I am getting. I constantly tell her she's all I want and there is noone else in my life and how I'm mindful of every small thing that I do to not hurt her and somehow she's still a bit scared of how attached she's getting... She has told me explicitly that she really has this need to be in contact all the time. (In her love language if you care about someone then you think about them and hence contact) She also wants to see me almost every day, although I refuse half of the time. I, on the other hand am more carefree. I really don't care if I'm in contact or not. I know how much I care about her and I know how much she cares about me. I really care about my girl, but I almost feel de-masculinzied, since I am being all nice and stuff and I am usually more of the "I don't care" kind of guy. Should I keep trying, or is it time to value better if we're compatible or not?
Treasa Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 I don't think it's a matter of masculinity or being a doormat. She sounds very insecure. I feel sorry for her. Unfortunately, if you continue to enable her, she will continue to do it. You two really need to have a talk. You need to make it really clear that it's a turn off to have to constantly reassure her, and it's probably not making her happy, either. She might decide that she'd rather be with a guy who will constantly be there for her, or maybe she'll grow and learn. 2
cdeyoung Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Frankly, as her boyfriend I think you should be doing things to prove to her that constant contact is unnecessary. Find ways to build trust.
todreaminblue Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 like another poster said find ways to build trust...i dont feel you should have to do this however...it should be a want to do this thing....if you truly care you would....be honest with her though......and if you are honest with how you feel that is trusting her in trusting you to be truthful..........deb
outsidethebox Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 I really care about my girl, but I almost feel de-masculinzied, since I am being all nice and stuff and I am usually more of the "I don't care" kind of guy. Being nice and stuff is de-masculinizing? Please. 1
SJC2008 Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 I don't know if you're being on a doormat per se. However you are uncomfortable with the amount of validation that she needs and feel that it's one sided. You need to tell her this and SHE needs to take how you feel about this into consideration. You understand her and are appeasing her for lack of a better word. TBS a "nice guy" wouldn't say anything so don't bottle it up and don't be afraid to rock the boat. This will actually test her nature to see if she will consider your feelings. Holefully yall can reach a middle ground on this. 1
carhill Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Perhaps innocuously and without purpose, you're being trained. How do things go when you 'need reassurance'?
Author ali_g Posted April 21, 2013 Author Posted April 21, 2013 Thanks a lot everyone! More of my botherings come from the fact that I believe that she will lose attraction in time, if I turn from the cool-ass guy that she met to this guy that spends 24/7 texting her and reassuring her. I don't know if you're being on a doormat per se. However you are uncomfortable with the amount of validation that she needs and feel that it's one sided. You need to tell her this and SHE needs to take how you feel about this into consideration. You understand her and are appeasing her for lack of a better word. TBS a "nice guy" wouldn't say anything so don't bottle it up and don't be afraid to rock the boat. This will actually test her nature to see if she will consider your feelings. Holefully yall can reach a middle ground on this. It doesn't bother me that she needs validation per se. And I would rather her speak up her mind, (If she needs me she needs me) rather than just keep her mouth shut to just conform to my needs. Perhaps innocuously and without purpose, you're being trained. How do things go when you 'need reassurance'? Trained for what... Confused? I don't usually need reassurance... Not explicitely at least. If I have any doubts or botherings I frankly tell her, even if it's something stupid. like another poster said find ways to build trust...i dont feel you should have to do this however...it should be a want to do this thing....if you truly care you would....be honest with her though......and if you are honest with how you feel that is trusting her in trusting you to be truthful..........deb I've been honest with this feeling. I've told her that if we want this to continue long term we need to pace it down a little bit. She's misunderstood that as me "not wanting to see her"..... Being nice and stuff is de-masculinizing? Please. YES
outsidethebox Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Quote: Originally Posted by outsidethebox Being nice and stuff is de-masculinizing? Please. YES No. It is not.
carhill Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Trained for what... Confused? I don't usually need reassurance... Not explicitely at least. If I have any doubts or botherings I frankly tell her, even if it's something stupid. Trained to be 'all about her'. Reassurance, fixing, support. You're young. Life will throw you some curve balls. You'll want a partner whom you can lean on too. If she's so preoccupied with herself, what kind of a partner will she be for you? What you described in your first paragraph is how a love bank is emptied. You're in charge of that. You authorize each withdrawal.
outsidethebox Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Are you single? Yes, but was married 6 years a long time ago. In any event, being "all nice and stuff" is not mutually exclusive of being a masculine man as contended.
pbjbear Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Being nice is not de-masculinizing. Acting like you are a pushover with no confidence is. Big difference
outsidethebox Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 But being a "nice guy" isn't really working out is it? It's worked out fine for me.
SJC2008 Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 It doesn't bother me that she needs validation per se. And I would rather her speak up her mind, (If she needs me she needs me) rather than just keep her mouth shut to just conform. I've been honest with this feeling. I've told her that if we want this to continue long term we need to pace it down a little bit. She's misunderstood that as me "not wanting to see her"..... It sounds to me you're more concerned about her losing attraction to you for constantly validating her than finding out the answer to the million dollar question in is she capable eventually letting her guard down and trusting. She has to make an effort to trust and seeking the constant validation is counter intuitive to that. Also, you say you're giving more then you're getting than you say you want her to speak up and not conform but YOU are conforming. It doesn't sound like there is healthy balance/give and take in your R with all due respect. I don't want to judge her but if she's anything like a family member of mine she will turn you into an ass kissing machine and you'll be her crutch. It took me a while to realize what she was doing and it remains a constant battle to get her to respect my boundaries. She's family so I cut her slack but if she was a gf she would of been long gone. I don't know what else to tell you, good luck.
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