BlackGoaty Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Because the deal with this woman is such that we are not in an official relationship from Day 1. I was in a good friends with benefits situation including all the emotions and feelings of an official couple for 2 years now. I know there are major red flags from this commitment phobe woman or just simply I am not the one. I do not actually believe in meeting the right one, it is how you make that person right despite all the flaws. To cut the story short, I am contemplating to stop all this by enforcing low contact. I don't want to go total NC because I do not want her to think I am so petty because she's been spending a lot of time with a new guy friend she met at a birthday party. It was a family birthday party and because they thought she have been "single" for at least 2 years, they were trying to match make her with new guys in her life. I don't feel jealous or angry, in fact I think its a welcomed attention in her life right now. Last year I remembered I attempted to do the same thing by talking to her but it was futile and I was weak. Now the question is, should I talk to her about this and say that I am going to stop all benefits thing but just maintain a pure platonic friendship or should I just do it without telling her?
genuinelyloverly7 Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Talk to her, but unless SHE comes up with and upholds certain ways to work it out, then you stick to your guns and do what supports your needs. Heart peace to you
Author BlackGoaty Posted April 21, 2013 Author Posted April 21, 2013 I guess that should be the sensible adult way by talking to her. If you have been in this situation, would you rather I tell you or just maintain platonic like friends r/s because recent months we have stop the sleepovers, kinda like a gradual "death". I still care about her alot but I want someone who put in effort too and be there for me when I need her. I am going through some family crisis and I feel all alone and now I have to deal with this at the same time.
TearyEyedPride Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Honestly... since it seems like the whole thing has been dying anyways, Just pull away. I feel like it's a natural progression, and she herself seems to be welcoming other distractions into her life. To me, since you're just friends with benefits... there's no real need to include her in decisions you're using to better yourself. If she's a real "friend" with no emotional attachment (rare, but hey... maybe you'll be lucky) , she'll probably reach out when she takes notice, and then if you explain it to her, she'll be supportive of your choice. Hopefully there's no drama involved. That's just my take on it anyways... do what you feel is best for your circumstance. Good luck.
Am4Real Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Just BE SURE you know what you ultimately want before you start anything! Once begun, you cannot turn back without further repercussions. Because the deal with this woman is such that we are not in an official relationship from Day 1. I was in a good friends with benefits situation including all the emotions and feelings of an official couple for 2 years now. I know there are major red flags from this commitment phobe woman or just simply I am not the one. I do not actually believe in meeting the right one, it is how you make that person right despite all the flaws. To cut the story short, I am contemplating to stop all this by enforcing low contact. I don't want to go total NC because I do not want her to think I am so petty because she's been spending a lot of time with a new guy friend she met at a birthday party. It was a family birthday party and because they thought she have been "single" for at least 2 years, they were trying to match make her with new guys in her life. I don't feel jealous or angry, in fact I think its a welcomed attention in her life right now. Last year I remembered I attempted to do the same thing by talking to her but it was futile and I was weak. Now the question is, should I talk to her about this and say that I am going to stop all benefits thing but just maintain a pure platonic friendship or should I just do it without telling her?
Author BlackGoaty Posted April 21, 2013 Author Posted April 21, 2013 Thanks Tearyeyedpride, Am4real and GL7 for the advice. I did an attempt to talk to her by asking her to work things out between us. though I asked a few questions like how we have not been communicating properly and spending quality time together, her answers were curt like "Yes less time spent means less talk", "Yes and I have been busy", you know the usual replies of a woman who have already moved on. I even told her about how upset I was when she went to the guys place a couple of times to hang out instead of making time to catch up with me after her 2 weeks holiday trip with friends. Her reply "Yeah I'm not surprised you are upset." At this stage, I think you all are right about just moving on. So, again, I guess there's no point in talking to her about me wanting to do a platonic friendship as I'm not even sure if I'm strong enough to hear all those stuffs and pretend to not have feelings and not affected.
youngnlove89 Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Because the deal with this woman is such that we are not in an official relationship from Day 1. I was in a good friends with benefits situation including all the emotions and feelings of an official couple for 2 years now. I know there are major red flags from this commitment phobe woman or just simply I am not the one. I do not actually believe in meeting the right one, it is how you make that person right despite all the flaws. To cut the story short, I am contemplating to stop all this by enforcing low contact. I don't want to go total NC because I do not want her to think I am so petty because she's been spending a lot of time with a new guy friend she met at a birthday party. It was a family birthday party and because they thought she have been "single" for at least 2 years, they were trying to match make her with new guys in her life. I don't feel jealous or angry, in fact I think its a welcomed attention in her life right now. Last year I remembered I attempted to do the same thing by talking to her but it was futile and I was weak. Now the question is, should I talk to her about this and say that I am going to stop all benefits thing but just maintain a pure platonic friendship or should I just do it without telling her? I was in the same situation as you, but I'm the women. For 2 years! It was nice to hear that I'm not the only who has been through this. I called him up one day and said, "Will you be my boyfriend" He tried to avoid having to answer and said we have already talk about this a hundred times. And we had, but I just wanted to know that I tried my best. I asked, "Is that a no then?" and he said, "Yes." I hung up on him and never talked to him again. For 2 years I tried to change his mind. I tried to become something he would want to be with. I couldn't. And you won't either. Let her go. Cut your losses. They don't need a reason why, because they already know why. Go No Contact and stay that way. It's for the best. And she won't think you are being "petty," it has nothing to do with that, she will think that you are a man who knows what he wants and she couldn't be what you wanted (girlfriend) and you let her go BECAUSE YOU DESERVE MORE. 4
Author BlackGoaty Posted April 21, 2013 Author Posted April 21, 2013 Omg younglove89, your case sound exactly like mine just that you are the women. Men and women who cannot commit are really sad. I refuse to let go and wanna keep trying because I hold on to the fact of how we met. it's pretty much like the movie Serendipity featuring John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale. We both met in Nyc by chance 3 years back, we happen to be on a same tour group, solo travellers and didn't realised we were from the same country far flung from the other end of USA. I know everyone want to think their relationship is special. when did it happened? Did he attempt to contact you? You did total NC?
youngnlove89 Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 when did it happened? Did he attempt to contact you? You did total NC? Every time we "broke up" he contacted me. That's the thing about commitment phobes, they can't commit to staying and can't commit to leaving. I asked him one day, "Do you ever think I'll get over you?" He paused for a moment, focusing on the drive to my place, where he would drop me off and we'd go our separate ways, he shook his head as if to convince himself and he said, "Yes...I do," I turned away from him and stared out the window contemplating how it was so easy for him to let me go. To just be okay with it. Then he turned to me and pointed to my chest and said, "but you have to want to let go in your heart first." He is right. As much as the words hurt to hear, he was right. We have to want to let go. That's the hardest part. We can ignore them. Stop contacting them. Go on dates. Force a smile, belt a laugh. We can try to move on every day, but we will never move on until we want to. He has said he misses me, is trying to forget the things he loves about me, he has spoken words that made my heart melt. But the thing is, it would be so easy for him to win me back and just say, "I want to be your boyfriend" But he can't say those simple words. It's all up to him. So even if he does miss me knowing that he hasn't done anything to fix it is enough for me to keep going forward and not look back anymore. That's what you need to do now. 2
Author BlackGoaty Posted April 22, 2013 Author Posted April 22, 2013 (edited) Thanks Youngnlove89 for sharing your story, it gives me the strength to MOVE ON using NC despite me texting her yesterday to try to work things out. I totally went through the "break up" several times and every time she will contact me. I really need to not get softhearted and I needed some of the reality checks and support that you LSers here doled out. Even the cold hard awful truth. I read some of your postings and realised that you are going through this at this moment. I thought you have been through it in the past and now dishing out advice to others... I'm sorry that he couldn't see the beauty and kindness in you. I am very sure you will get through this. Were you guys exclusively FWB? I know I shouldn't use FWB but I have no way to describe such relationships. I have already block her online, just can't bring myself to block her on whatsApp but guess what. I did remove the shortcut to her convo which is a big step for me. Did not check on her status like a crazy obsessed maniac. I have a bit of OCD spectrum in me and I think this has caused a part of me to be obsessed over things and ruminating all those thoughts. Meditation helped a lot too. I'm here to chat if you need a support system. Edited April 22, 2013 by BlackGoaty 1
Author BlackGoaty Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 (edited) Last night have been an extremely bad night. What started out as a seemingly nice Sunday afternoon tea and then dinner at her favourite Italian restaurant turned out to be a "drama" where I was literally begging her to show me some love and concern towards the end of the night. Got into her house and was asked to leave and talk tomorrow as I was too emotional and making a commotion. She was too angry to listen to what I had to say. Seriously, laying off the booze/alcohol is the best for now as almost always when I drink, I get very emotionally upset/depressed. She insisted that we should have been just friends to begin with and nothing more. All those late night intimate talks in the past just gone in a poof! Balled my eyes out to sleep last night. It is a wonder how one can turn their tables when they find someone new. I guess I have to start NC. I have been reading and reading all the other people's plight and trying to apply it myself. But I just needed to get it off. Edited April 28, 2013 by BlackGoaty
youngnlove89 Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Thanks Youngnlove89 for sharing your story, it gives me the strength to MOVE ON using NC despite me texting her yesterday to try to work things out. I totally went through the "break up" several times and every time she will contact me. I really need to not get softhearted and I needed some of the reality checks and support that you LSers here doled out. Even the cold hard awful truth. I read some of your postings and realised that you are going through this at this moment. I thought you have been through it in the past and now dishing out advice to others... I'm sorry that he couldn't see the beauty and kindness in you. I am very sure you will get through this. Were you guys exclusively FWB? I know I shouldn't use FWB but I have no way to describe such relationships. I have already block her online, just can't bring myself to block her on whatsApp but guess what. I did remove the shortcut to her convo which is a big step for me. Did not check on her status like a crazy obsessed maniac. I have a bit of OCD spectrum in me and I think this has caused a part of me to be obsessed over things and ruminating all those thoughts. Meditation helped a lot too. I'm here to chat if you need a support system. We weren't FWB, he specifically told me that he would never be my FWB or F.Buddy because he cares for me too much. He would tell strangers and his friends we were bf/gf but couldn't tell me we were. He didn't think titles were necessary. He was one confusing guy.
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