Lillyfree Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Now that just means I need to go and adopt a dog, and then go out a buy a Goldie too. Going to need a bigger place. you can adopt a dog that is small enough for a place you're in at the moment. or a cat even - something to greet you at the door when you come home, something that needs your love and care. then when you have enough room, you can get a retriever, and they can keep each other company when you're away
Artie Lang Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 this is a REAL effed up situation, bro. i was kinda feeling bad for her myself, but after finding this out- **** HER! you gotta snap out of this "nice guy" syndrome, already. how shameful and disrespectful of her(them).
Lillyfree Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 this is a REAL effed up situation, bro. i was kinda feeling bad for her myself, but after finding this out- **** HER! you gotta snap out of this "nice guy" syndrome, already. how shameful and disrespectful of her(them). some people use their illness/disability as a free pass to do whatever they please. OP, you should stop buying into it. a line should be drawn somewhere... 2
Furious Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 SR I say this gently....it seems as though you have a martyr complex. Being a loving and giving person is an admirable quality but taken to extreme it can set you up for heartache. You need to find balance, you need figure out how to be the great guy you are but to not comprise your self worth through how much you give to others. 2
Artie Lang Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 i'd seriously consider telling his BW about this. i know you're not married anymore, but this is unacceptable. 1
Author SmokeRat Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 After the entire thing blew up, I sent his wife alllll the info. It's all back in my Original post when I joined LS. His wife turned into Devil Incarnate of Death on his ass. Which was nice. But now, she's turned timid and buried her head in the sand. So I have no idea if he's intimidated her, threatened her, or she's just given up. No idea, and I no longer have contact. It is ****ed up. And it bothers me. I'm not out to save the world, or everyone I meet. My career has taught me that's impossible. But I figured, this was my wife. I can save her, we said our vows, for better or worse and I'm giving this my everything.
Author SmokeRat Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 Tried and fail to assist the OMW. From all the texts, pictures, videos and emails I sent her. I thought she would end up where I am now, separated. But they have children, albeit all over the age of 15. Any contact that I have tried to have with the OMW, has simply been deleted before even being read, so I've taken that as a very clear sign she doesn't want my help, or my presence. I'll see how well my STBXW is doing in five weeks from now, and if given her recent stint in the ICU, OM sticks around for much longer. Neighbour told me she came home in a wheelchair with a portable IV and air cart, so I can only imagine what happened this time with her insulin levels.
whichwayisup Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 SR I say this gently....it seems as though you have a martyr complex. Being a loving and giving person is an admirable quality but taken to extreme it can set you up for heartache. You need to find balance, you need figure out how to be the great guy you are but to not comprise your self worth through how much you give to others. The guy is a firefighter so this is in his blood. You cannot turn that off.
Author SmokeRat Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 I'm honestly trying to find a balance. Everyone knows the movie Up!, think of that Golden Retriever as me. Remember when they say 'Squirrel!' and all the dogs come to attention and get hyper-attentive. That's me with people in danger, stressful situations and so forth. I suppose now I'm wearing the cone of shame, after all I've been through with the STBXW
Furious Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 I'm honestly trying to find a balance. Everyone knows the movie Up!, think of that Golden Retriever as me. Remember when they say 'Squirrel!' and all the dogs come to attention and get hyper-attentive. That's me with people in danger, stressful situations and so forth. I suppose now I'm wearing the cone of shame, after all I've been through with the STBXW You're an honourable man , no shame in that at all. Never, think you should abandon your ethics or moral code. Just love yourself and be as kind to yourself as you are to others. You're going through an excruciating sorrow and pain, you're grieving the loss of a dream. Just know that with time and self love you will get through this. Hang in there SR 1
Lillyfree Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 I'm honestly trying to find a balance. Everyone knows the movie Up!, think of that Golden Retriever as me. Remember when they say 'Squirrel!' and all the dogs come to attention and get hyper-attentive. That's me with people in danger, stressful situations and so forth. I suppose now I'm wearing the cone of shame, after all I've been through with the STBXW there's nothing shameful about being a caring, honourable person. but you shouldn't be one at your own detriment... isn't it that in emergency situations all personnel need to ensure their own safety and well-being before they help anyone else? that should be one of the first things you learnt. think of this as an emergency situation, and approach it the same way. maybe once you've healed enough you can attempt to show care to your xW (even if i don't think she deserves any of it). 3
2sunny Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Empathy is a good trait - but not if it's out of balance. A healthy relationship involves equal giving AND receiving. A therapist can help you obtain that healthy balance - but you need insight - so that you just don't pick a new gal again that needs to be rescued. Have your therapist address this issue for you. You really need to get a healthy boundary and a strong sense of what good balance looks like. 2
Snowflower Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 His wife turned into Devil Incarnate of Death on his ass. Which was nice. But now, she's turned timid and buried her head in the sand. So I have no idea if he's intimidated her, threatened her, or she's just given up. No idea, and I no longer have contact. It is ****ed up. And it bothers me. How can you even say this about the other BS in your situation? She has buried her head in the sand? We hear that response all the time from AP but another BS saying it? C'mon, do you really think she is doing that? How do you know that your emails to her weren't deleted by her cheating husband before she ever saw them? 1
Author SmokeRat Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 I sent all the emails, pictures, videos and texts to her work place email (her actual Police Officer contact email). Only she would have access to that email, as it can only be logged on when she is in the department office. So unless he somehow broke into the department and managed to get into her office, I highly doubt he deleted those pieces of evidence. She saw everything, and she's made it clear she doesn't want me to contact her again. As much as I believe that's a pretty silly thing to ask of me, I'm not going to force this information on her. Like I said, I have no idea what their family life is like, maybe there is abuse, or threats of divorce and what have you. All I know is the OMW has asked that I stay out of her family life during this entire process. She has my contact info, and new address if she ever wants to talk or find out other things. I have thought about writing a letter, but I doubt it would change much of anything. For Valentines Day this year, while we were still together, I wrote her a long letter saying everything I wanted to say, and despite what she did, that I still loved her and looked forward to future Valentines Days as a loving couple. She was upset that I couldn't just write something nice in a card, with an I love you. Bleh
Snowflower Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 I sent all the emails, pictures, videos and texts to her work place email (her actual Police Officer contact email). Only she would have access to that email, as it can only be logged on when she is in the department office. So unless he somehow broke into the department and managed to get into her office, I highly doubt he deleted those pieces of evidence. She saw everything, and she's made it clear she doesn't want me to contact her again. As much as I believe that's a pretty silly thing to ask of me, I'm not going to force this information on her. Like I said, I have no idea what their family life is like, maybe there is abuse, or threats of divorce and what have you. All I know is the OMW has asked that I stay out of her family life during this entire process. She has my contact info, and new address if she ever wants to talk or find out other things. Okay, thank you for explaining a bit more. I am taking a guess here and that is she has enough on her plate at the moment and those emails with evidence/info from you prove to be salt in the wound. So, she asked you to leave her alone. I doubt that she has been threatened into submission by her H. I think she is simply ruminating and living her life the best way she knows how. Maybe she is waiting for her child/ren to graduate and then she will make her move. Who knows. Perhaps she doesn't know her H is still directly involved with your STBXW? If she does not know this, I would let her know, if you haven't already. Many women will initially try to reconcile if they think their CH has stopped the affair, especially if there are children involved. If the affair is ongoing, then she might make a different decision. Again, I would let her know that her H is still in contact with his OW and then leave her alone.
Author SmokeRat Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 Done and done. She wrote back to me to not contact her with any further emails.
whichwayisup Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Done and done. She wrote back to me to not contact her with any further emails. You did your part and she has info, she's chosen to not involve you or tell you anything. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors. maybe they have an open marriage, maybe her husband has done this before and she doesn't care, or maybe she has someone on the side as well.
Author SmokeRat Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 Could be any of those things, who knows. All I know is she is now as bad as he is. As she is allowing, to an extent, her husband to interfere and destroy another persons life. And to add a quote to the above statement: My hate is general, I detest all men; Some because they are wicked and do evil, Others because they tolerate the wicked, Refusing them the active vigorous scorn Which vice should stimulate in virtuous minds.
Snowflower Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Could be any of those things, who knows. All I know is she is now as bad as he is. As she is allowing, to an extent, her husband to interfere and destroy another persons life. And to add a quote to the above statement: My hate is general, I detest all men; Some because they are wicked and do evil, Others because they tolerate the wicked, Refusing them the active vigorous scorn Which vice should stimulate in virtuous minds. And what exactly should the BW do to stop her husband? She obviously couldn't stop him from having an A with your wife in the first place. What could she do now? Even if she were to divorce him immediately which is what it seems you think she should do, what would that change? If anything, it would make it easier for him to see your wife because he wouldn't have to try to sneak past his wife any longer. I don't get this. I have never seen a BS blame the other BS for the affair between the mutual spouses. Is there something I am missing here?
2sunny Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 No sense in blaming others for your wife's bad behavior. Improve your own perspective - you can do that for yourself.
Author SmokeRat Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 Oh I'm not blaming her! I'm upset that she's burying her head in the sand. I couldn't tolerate my wife's behavior anymore, so I'm divorcing her. She hasn't done anything to make his life difficult. From what I've gathered and from friends and friends, she's just gone complacent in the entire thing. Going complacent with a spouses affair in unacceptable.
Author SmokeRat Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 This compared to when I initially gave her the details and we spoke briefly, she was an unstoppable force of nature. Then, nothing. Silence and defeat.
Praying4Peace Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Hey SmokeRat- Does OM's BW know that you guys are getting a divorce for sure? I know she said not to contact you again but maybe you should let her know that you aren't 'the keeper' anymore in case she thinks you are keeping your W in check. You know...two sets of eyes. Just a suggestion. Hope you're well. I also agree you need to go completely NC with your soon to be ex W. 1
Author SmokeRat Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 I had thought that once the divorce papers are finalized in person, having a copy of them sent to the OM and his wive via registered mail so I know it would get there. Just so that they both know the situation on the otherside of the fence, although I'm not sure what effect that would have.
Spark1111 Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 I had thought that once the divorce papers are finalized in person, having a copy of them sent to the OM and his wive via registered mail so I know it would get there. Just so that they both know the situation on the otherside of the fence, although I'm not sure what effect that would have. Text her something along the lines of... Wife and I are heading for divorce. It did not work out for us. Hopes it does for you. Thanks for all your help. That took courage as I well know. Smoke Rat.
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